Fangs - Print Topic

Posted by: Don, February 1st, 2015, 11:26am

Fangs by Jean-Pierre Chapoteau - Short, Horror - A vampire offers his services to a slave for the exchange of food. - pdf, format 8)

Posted by: Iancou, February 1st, 2015, 12:44pm; Reply: 1

Jean-Pierre,

Nice touch. Even if there are shades of the Underworld movie saga in any vampire/werewolf themed story, you gave this a nice twist. Other than a few portions that can be retouched for precision and conciseness, you have a nicely written short.

Suggest changing:

"Mogey stares at Aldazo for a moment. Then leaves out." to read: "Mogey stares at Aldazo for a moment, then leaves."

"Aldazo watches as Helena's muscles bulge and grow fur." to "Aldazo watches as Helena's muscles bulge as she grows fur." As written, it reads as if her bulging muscles grow fur, which sounds awkward.

"BLACK" to "FADE OUT:" as the closing of the script.

I look forward to seeing your next submissions.

Best of luck,

Ian

Posted by: EdithW, February 1st, 2015, 2:45pm; Reply: 2

I too liked it Jean-Paul! Haven't seen you around Stage32.

Nice twist in the end ...and great dialogue with negro slaves!

Posted by: TonyDionisio, February 2nd, 2015, 12:17pm; Reply: 3

I enjoyed it.
Didn't get the "negro slaves" reference.

Tony

Posted by: Jean-Pierre Chapoteau, February 3rd, 2015, 9:40am; Reply: 4

Thanks for the kind words, guys.

Edith is from Germany, lol. I think...

@ Ian - Great suggestions. Definitely will implement them in the rewrite.

Posted by: RichardR, February 3rd, 2015, 2:42pm; Reply: 5

Jean-Pierre,

Bad comments go up in smoke under a bright sun.  Good ones sparkle.

Good job.  This is an interesting tale.  It might be better if you give us the year.  Slaves would  make it pre-civil war.

Generally, in vernacular dialogue, a little goes a long way.  Rely on the actor to deliver the lines like a antebellum southern slave.

The story works for me.  The old vampire runs into his nemesis, and it doesn't go well for him.  Some clean up of the dialogue, and you have a nice little short.

Best
Richard

Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), February 4th, 2015, 3:15am; Reply: 6

I liked it. I would clean up your first two action blocks... but after that, the flow kicks in. The flow reminds me a little of Chester Himes, I'm not sure why. It's just the memory that was sparked as I read your work. I noticed it with your last story too.

Posted by: alffy, February 4th, 2015, 2:15pm; Reply: 7

Jean-Pierre

I liked this but have a few minor issues.

Firstly, I wonder why Aldazo is so quick and openly honest as to why he takes shelter in the cellar?

Also, I'm guessing Helena was aware of Aldazo when offered to him by Mogey, otherwise it doesn't make sense?

Small little nit picking really but overall I enjoyed this.