Treading Water by Patrick May - Short, Drama - A man reviews the joys and the pains of his life while under water. 15 pages - pdf, format 8)

Patrick,

Most comments are not memorable.  If any of these stick, claim them.

First, I found this one intriguing because of the transitions.  The use of water and light read well.  Quite inventive.  But then the story became ordinary and derivative.  Vegas, prostitue, etc, all done often. They didn't do justice to your transitions.  That's me.

Second point.  Take a look at your dialogue.  Characters and especially ones that know each other don't speak in complete sentences.  They use shorthand phrases and slang.  Informal scenes require informal dialogue  

Best
Richard