Quoted Text Include a possessive apostrophe in the title. It should be: “The Making of Prisoner’s Dilemma” After reading the script though it might be worth considering dropping the “s” altogether to have “The Making of Prisoner Dilemma”. Just to reflect how Macular would say it. |
Quoted Text You don’t need the logline in the title page, No big deal but it’ll save you having to endure this type of comment every time someone reads it. Maybe you could put it on screen as superimposed text after the title just to set up the tone of the piece. |
Quoted Text I see you’re in Chiang Mai. I made the obligatory stop there when doing the obligatory backpacking excursion through South East Asia back in 2011. |
Quoted Text I’m sure others will tell you but try to keep your blocks of prose to four lines or less. |
Quoted Text “We are in the great hall of a medieval castle.” - You don’t need to preface every scene with this line, that’s what the sluglines are for. |
Quoted Text I liked the different methods of portrait capturing from oil painting to selfie to indicate how long the Count and his ancestors have been around. The shadow is a good visual gag too. |
Quoted Text A solidly written opening piece of dialogue, funny too, sets the scene. Its considered a sin to have your first page essentially a block of speech but if it’s well written I don’t mind. It’s like one of those old horror TV shows where a Vincent Price-like presenter introduces the story of the episode. |
Quoted Text “As we learn later, about the only thing Jon and David share in common are a Y-chromosome, the English language, and the same generation.” - You really don’t need to tell us this because if your characters are drawn properly we will get this impression from their interactions together. It’s that old filmmaking adage of “show, don’t tell” |
Quoted Text And to your credit, from their opening scenes its clear they don’t see eye to eye, there is friction there. These are polar opposites with their partnership being more out of convenience than a friendship. |
Quoted Text MOM (O.S.) You gonna do what you gonna do. You gonna do what you gonna do. - I don’t get why she keeps repeating this line. Is it a reference to a vampire film or something? |
Quoted Text The Moldavian insult were amusing, especially “Horse thief” Would she say “humper” though? I reckon “fu?ker” would be a more common word for them to have heard given English isn’t their first language? Or are you aiming for a 12s rating;) |
Quoted Text DAVID Mom would never approve. - This line feels like something Macular might say, not David. Even if he’s that much of a pussy would he say something this chicken sh?t in front of Jon who he knows will roast him over it? |
Quoted Text MACULAR There is precedent. - Like the “humper” usage from Mom, would Macular use the word “precedent”? |
Quoted Text MACULAR (hypnotic again) But neither make movie. Macular make movie. This is Macular movie. Mine mine mine. (MORE) Macular hire these bozo to assist Macular. Bozo turn on Macular; treat Macular like clown. But Macular get last laugh. - I understand that Macular is acting as narrator but I would consider withholding this dialogue as it essentially gives away some of the story about to unfold. Maybe include it in tandem with the events as they happen on screen. |
Quoted Text I appreciate why you have David tell us about his research in regards the mysterious deaths and locating Macular’s castle while the dilettante Jon only half listens but I’m surprised the latter let David go in front of the camera. Would he grant him that moment of exposure? |
Quoted Text I would definitely retain the scene but could it take place off camera? Or to maintain the found footage technique, set it up as if they don’t know the camera is switched on and are just having a normal conversation. |
Quoted Text “Macular is back to his original pose, but forgot to change back to his original shadow.” - Ha, good use of that running visual gag. |
Quoted Text I enjoyed the MacGyver-like practical ingenuity of David compared with the useless Jon simply going to the market to by all the things we’re told repels them. Well observed and humorous to highlight their different approaches and sensibilities. |
Quoted Text “He is dressed in POKEMON PAJAMAS.” - How old is this guy? The watch was one thing, I could see a nerd wearing that but matching pajamas! Can you even get them in adult sizes? ;) |
Quoted Text Having said that I did get a chuckle out of his last will and testament, good writing. Macular’s defense of the other Pokemon worked great too. |
Quoted Text “Taxi Driver #1 peels off and spits.” - A small thing but I would have the cab driver spit first before driving off. |
Quoted Text JON (dropping Geraldo-speak) Suck it up buttercup; we’re on the march. The exercise and fresh air will do you good. - Although he’s your classic, self centered douchbag I’m starting to admire his fearlessness even if it’s driven by ignorance. |
Quoted Text DAVID (O.S.) Oh come on. You got that trust fund money. Buy new tickets. - Ah, I guess that explain the funding note I had. Nicely dropped in there without it feeling expository. |
Quoted Text “David turns scary-intense and gets into David’s face” - It should be “Jon’s face” |
Quoted Text I love the implication that he screwed the Pikachu toy via piecing together the bits of information we’ve already been given at different points in the script. Good job with that. |
Quoted Text DAVID (O.S.) Rolling and streaming. We’re tapped into a strong hot spot. - Well, given the compromised security of data clouds, I would be steering the conversation away from his doll fu?king exploits. Who knows who might be watching. |
Quoted Text JON I was prepared to scale the castle with nothing more than a rope, grappling hook and raw determination, but to my surprise I find the door to be ajar. - Ha, good lines. |
Quoted Text DAVID (O.S.) Okay, I’ll try to act more like an entitled trust fund baby. - “Baby”? Says the guy with the Pokemon jammies! Like I said, although Jon is meant to be the di?ckhead and we’re supposed to be sympathizing with David, I’ve become rather endeared to the foolhardy idiot. |
Quoted Text The farting bit didn’t work for me though. The script’s tone is silly but self aware and clever, this joke feels below that, a lame aside. |
Quoted Text Good changing of positions with Jon becoming frightened and David showing some steel. The former’s desperate offer of money and the latter’s threat that it’s all been uploaded were amusing too when Macular makes his presence felt. |
Quoted Text MACULAR (O.S.) Oh come on, that was good one! - I’m with Macular on this one, I thought that was funny too. Very tough crowd indeed. |
Quoted Text The climax felt a little flat. As you can see from my notes, I dug the script up this point. I loved the dialogue and tongue-in-cheek humor mixed with the faux documentary style but the ending sort of comes and goes before you know it. The two are basically scared witless by Macular’s “boo” and flee leaving behind their camera for Macular to take up the baton, so to speak…according to Macular that is since it’s through his perspective...I’m not so sure. Did Macular feed on them and dispose of the bodies? Although, he continually denies being a vampire, everything points to it actually being true. Macular claims Jon and David were talking about going to Moldavia but we don’t hear that first hand and get no closure on what happened to them. This is all just speculation on my part because Macular’s innocence (as claimed by him throughout the piece) is maintained until the end without any hint to suggest otherwise. He portrays himself as harmless, good natured and very very misunderstood ;) However, with the abrupt way in which we last see Jon and David and the emergence of the angry mob, I wondered was there something more going on, something implied in those final scenes that what we are led to believe happened from the perspective of Macular, didn’t transpire. Just to be clear, this ambiguity isn’t a criticism, just my interpretation on what may or may not have happened. Either way, I still think it concludes in a rather rushed, unsatisfactory manner which is a backhanded compliment because it illustrates how much I was digging the script up to that point. |
Quoted Text The credits and song feel like filler at the end, I mean it takes up 3 pages of a 23 page script but there is real craft in the song and shows your obvious passion for the script. You could probably lose the outtakes part though. |
Quoted Text Anyway, overall I liked this, lots of good stuff in here. Unfortunately, I can see a lot of readers dismissing it within the first few pages because of the overwritten prose and wordy dialogue but the prose, although baggy, is well written (it’s just not suitable for a screenplay) and the verbose dialogue is where the script’s real strength lies. |
Quoted Text I don’t know how long you have been writing scripts for but this certainly shows you have a flair for character and story which are the most important things, the formatting can come later through reading other scripts and absorbing/applying what you learn from them. Take on board what works for you, discard the rest. Col. |
Quoted from JonP It's actually the same guy in all the pictures, but I didn't want to be obvious about it. Maybe I should. |
Quoted from JonP My fear is that the large block will be so off-putting, that they won't even bother to read it, and move on to the next screenplay. |
Quoted from JonP That was intentional. I wanted to play off the similarity of David and Macular with regard to their dorkishness and their strong mothers. I was also playing off the similarity of Jon and Macular on their ambition and willingness to claim other people's work as their own (parasite). Any way I could strengthen that? |
Quoted from JonP Vampires in the old-timey movies are fairly eloquent, so I think I'm good. |
Quoted from JonP I can see ending the dialog on mine mine mine. |
Quoted from JonP Yeah, I was worried about that. Jon's ego probably wouldn't go for it. I wanted to emphasize David as the competent of the two as well as show how he tracked down Macular. |
Quoted from JonP I think I'll have Jon make the presentation, but he screws-up the delivery because he doesn't understand the material he's being fed. David, bitter about not getting the credit, keeps correcting him from behind the camera in snarky ways. That would also tie in nicely to the train station scene. Actually, that would be very cool. Thanks. |
Quoted from JonP But it's the same problem of David being allowed on camera for the statistical analysis. I might fix it the same way. And if I re-work the vampire discovery scene in the editing room, then we don't actually see David until his last will and testament, which might work well. Any thoughts? . |
Quoted from JonP Yeah, if I produce it, I might just blow my budget on custom-made pajamas. ;D I wanted to emphasize David as emotionally stunted, an overgrown child (thanks to the Pikachu incident) who can't stand-up to Jon. |
Quoted from JonP True, but again I need to show why Macular feels the need to explain away everything. |
Quoted from JonP Did the V.O. work? I was trying to show Macular editing the footage to support his version of events. |
Quoted from JonP Everyone who has provided me feedback misses the twist that David's mom has gotten hold of the footage. The fake credits establish that David and Jon are dead and suggest by the fact that she's got the footage, that Macular and his mother are dead. I guess no one reads fake credits anymore. That's why I'm thinking of having David's mom on the bullhorn. . |
Quoted from JonP Is that a nice way of saying I'm screwed? ;D |
Quoted Text name is Count Count Macular and no, Macular no have stutter. Count is both designation and first name, like Judge, Prince and Butthead. Both parent have sense of humor. You can imagine horror of arithmetic class. But this is not why Macular address you. You see, Macular is being frame. Yes, frame Macular tell you, by two American, who accuse Macular of being blood-suck parasite vampire. While Macular is producer and, as such, must make unpopular decision from time to time, Macular no vampire, and will prove this so-call evidence on internet to be vicious lie. You will see. Macular show you. |
Quoted from eldave1 Jon - I concur with all the notes you got from Colkurtz so I won't repeat those. An enjoyable read. However, in Macular's dialogue (sample above), I got more of a caveman, rather than vampire feel. Maybe it's just me. |