Clowning Around by Jason Mickey - Short, Horror - A young girl experiences a horrific event. 6 pages. - pdf, format 8)

Jason,

Comments can be almost as scary as aclown. Take what you want from these.

The story is pretty derivative.  Young girl hides in closet while clown kills mom and dad. Deputy arrives in time to save the day, but no explanation of how he knew to be there.  Give the girl a cell phone and it becomes believeable.  Deputy shoots clown who takes three to the chest and then escapes.  Tough to kill clowns. I simply don't see enough originality in this one.  Oh, how does the blood get in the pipes?

The writing needs work.  Try to use simple declarative sentences and positive constructions.  Remember that 'here' is not 'hear'.  Avoid using 'is doing something' and replace it with 'does something'.  

Best
Richard

Jason,

A few points I would add.

1. Don't understand why there are sentences in all caps and bold. Sound cue are traditionally all caps for the sound effects folks, but not many other times in contemporary usage.

2. "A Sheriff’s Department dispatcher appears on scene" -- Incorrect. The dispatcher is the officer operating the radio set back at the station who "dispatches" units to crime scenes, accidents, etc.

3. A woman's slit throat makes the deputy scowl? He should be in overdrive by then.

4. This script seems like a rough draft for a full-length. It lack a set-up and an ending that leads to some resolution. Was the clown an escapee (prison, asylum, ?) Why did he choose that house? Example, that was his childhood home and the closet was where he hid from an abusive parent. Where the old people his family who abused him?

Recommend rethinking the plot and focus to have a problem and resolution. It is too predictable and seems to have gore just for gore's sake.

Anyway, just some things to consider.

Best of luck.

Ian

Hey Jason,

Typing as I read.

Logline is a bit generic.

You don't need to capitalise an entire sentence, just the SCREAM lets us know there's a loud scream.

Do people occupy sinks?

You don't need to put in camera shots in. That's in a shooting script.

Young Jane is a strange name.

And now I'm confused with Joey the clown.

Sorry, didn't get this at all. Seems like a standard Michael Myers setup but written in a rush.

-Mark