Twisted by Gemma Middleton - Thriller, Horror - Mitchell, a charismatic yet domineering salesman finds his life spiraling out of control when he meets Jenny, a woman who is more than happy to encourage his dark and twisted desires. 81 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi,

You've got the making of a great 'in media res' start here. It's good to show a snippet of this - but the first scene is too long. You're descriptions goes too far too.

Underneath, I've cut a quick alternative. I haven't written anything new - just cut stuff. But at the end of this much shorter scene - the audience knows what they need to know. And yes, they're left with a few more questions - but that's not a bad thing.

Hope a different perspective is helpful.

FADE IN:
Title - Present Day

INT. JENNY’S FLAT - NIGHT
MITCHELL, 41 years old, unshaven and dishevelled, is agitated.

O.S
A woman screams. A crash and a bang.

Mitchell looks at the bathroom door. He walks over to it and pulls the handle vigorously. It’s locked. He kicks it.

MITCHELL
Jenny, open the goddamn door!

The door doesn’t open. He bangs it again.

MITCHELL (CONT’D)
Fuck! Oh fuck!

He starts pacing and punches the wall.
The bathroom door suddenly unlocks and opens. In comes JENNY, 35 years old of slim build. She is covered in blood.

MITCHELL (CONT’D)
What you done?

JENNY
You wanted one, I’ve given you one.
BEAT.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Go on then, claim your prize.
It ain’t going nowhere. All the
time in the world baby.

Mitchell gets up and shoves Jenny out of the way. He hesitates at the bathroom door, plucking up courage. Finally he goes into the bathroom. Jenny lights one of his cigarettes, her eyes on the door.

2.
O.S
MITCHELL No! Fuck, Oh my God…

Mitchell comes out of the bathroom shaken and stunned. He starts to pace again.
Jenny laughs loudly, manically.

MITCHELL (CONT’D)
You’re insane!

Jenny runs full force into Mitchell and pushes him back on the sofa.
Mitchell tries to get her off.

JENNY
Hit me, you know I don’t give a
shit.

He obliges. Her head swings back in slow motion as blood leaves her nose.

FADE IN:
TITLE - SIX MONTHS EARLIER