Turn Me On Dead Man by David Clarke Lambertson (eldave1) (writing as: Russell "Stringer" Bell) - Short, Noir - John Lennon's struggle with his role in disguising the death of a young Paul McCartney. - pdf, format 8)

Beatlemania! Yes, this was a clever use of the "Paul is dead" rumours.  This may inspire similar stories for Freddie Mercury and Queen, John Bonham and Led Zeppelin.  I liked the dialog peppered  with famous lyrics. It ended just about right except Billy Shears may have been more interesting as the perp in the final scene.  Overall, a light romp. I think the writer had as much fun as I did reading it.

I don't think Stevie did this, he knows too much about The Beatles to not include more than general level knowledge about the Fab 4.

Gary

This has Stevie's short, tight denim shorts written all over it...but I agree with Gary, it's not his.  Stevie's whacky comedic vibe just isn't here.

For what it is, this is alright and maybe even enjoyable, but since it really doesn't bring anything new to the table, and it's apparent early on we're going to be reading lyric after lyric within the dialogue, for me, it gets a little dull.

For the most part, the writing is OK, but there are many, many mistakes. Typos and some misspellings, I can live with in an OWC, but technical mistakes and grammatical mistakes that are repeated over and over, make it clear the writer has some lessons to learn...

...and an OWC is the perfect opportunity to learn.

So, I'll throw you a few bones in hopes of helping your writing going forward.

First of all, please turn off the CONTINUEDS you have on the tops and bottoms of every page.  This is completely unecessary, looks very amateur, and at times, really hampers the read.

When you intro characters, you have to set your description off with commas - before and after - every time.  If you want more clarification, PM me.

When you have more than 1 item in your Slugs, use a hyphen to separate them, not a comma.

Don't use descriptions like, "ONE WEEK LATER" in a Slug.  If it's important, you need to use a SUPER.

As I always recommend, edit as many times as you can.  I know this can be difficult in a time crunch, but there are lots of misspellings here, awkward phrasings, and 5 completely unnecessary lonely little orphans.

All in all, a solid effort.  It appears you took some time to make this all work, and that effort is appreciated.

I thoroughly enjoyed this! A nice, contained story within the much bigger story/urban legend. I believe it flowed well with a solid, very clear beginning, middle and end. Something I find many don't do all that well in short films, myself included. Often I see something that either picks up too soon in the story or end too abruptly. Thought the sprinkling of the song lyrics was a nice touch.

Have to be honest, I am struggling to critique as I genuinely wouldn't know what I'd do differently. Also, I'm new to reviewing. A few things I suppose:

On these three occasions you have action/character description that span four lines.

Quoted Text "JOHN (26), thin build, mop top hairdo, dressed in a leather jacket and sporting horn rimmed glasses and GEORGE (23), rail thin, floppy hair parted in the middle sit next to each other at a sound mixer." "A large residence on the outskirts of Liverpool. John, George and Ringo sit on a large sofa - nervous, fidgety. BRIAN (32), jet black, clean cut hair, dressed in a black business suit with a glass of scotch in his hand paces back and forth." "John (now 40), dark stringy hair wears dark horn rimmed sun glasses as he talks to George, (now 37), dark straggly hair with a goat tee and Ringo (now 40), with a grey peppered beard."

A simple thing but I think no more than two lines in the action or character descriptions keep it ticking along nicely. Just a way of getting more white on the page.

Also, and this is just personal preference, I would have liked to have seen a twist involving the shooter. I think The Beatles are great but I'm not too clued up on any of the behind the scenes stuff with them or their personal lives. I don't know who Brian is, or if he existed in real life but he seemed shady enough to be the one that pulled the trigger. Just a thought.

PS. I'm interested to know, maybe just at the bottom of other's reviews, if you believe in this urban legend, is the real Paul McCartney dead? I'm inclined to believe it may be possible. Haven't done any real research.

--Steve

Fun to read. The dialogue-by-lyrics was pretty seamless. Don't know how it would seem to people unfamilar with the songs, though.

Nobody appeared very upset that Paul just died. (Who knows, maybe they thought he was just a fool on a hill.)

Format, etc: All the Continueds are annoying. Certain sentences need work. Example, "...sporting horn-rimmed glasses and George..." Somewhere else, a "business suit with Scotch..."

Nicely put together otherwise.

Henry

Okay, this is the first OWC script I'm reading.  And it's going to be *very* hard to beat.  I'm not even a Beatles fan, and I'm sure I missed the majority of the in-joke lines... but I found myself laughing out loud at the ones I did catch.  And you even pulled this together perfectly at the end - full circle.

LOVE it.  (And writer?  When this is no longer anonymous, I want it for STS!)  :P

Cheers,

--J (W)

I'll be honest, it started outstaying it's welcome very early on for me. By page 2.


A fun exercise for a Beatles fan, but not much of a script, if I'm honest. With the amount of effort put into it, I wish I could be a bit more effusive.

I liked it. Using the Paul McCartney myth as a basis to explain John Lennon's assassination. Couple that with the lyric-laden dialogue and this is a good effort.

A consider from me.

Think this is a decent script.

I liked the legend used and the weaving in of the lyrics... but that element got a little tired for me and a bit distracting about half way through.

But redeemed with the end bringing in Lennons demise.

Good effort

Anthony

I'm not overly familiar with the Beatles, even though I have heard of them.  I did however recall reading about John Lennon's Assassination back in school, so I found the ending fitting just as he was about to reveal something.  

I apologize though, not knowing much about the Beatles or "Paul" makes me NOT capable of giving more constructive criticism and/or notes on the subject matter in general as I don't know anything about them other than they were a band from Liverpool and one of them got murdered.

A few minor format issues with some orphans, but I'll overlook that as I'm not a format king myself.

As it stands on its own, it has merits and serves as a decent tale.  I won't mention much else as I don't want to spoil it, but it has a cool twist to it.

Nice entry.

LOL!  I loved this!  Blondie couldn't believe that's I didn't nab Paul Is Dead but when's I started looking through urban legends I didn't realise this one was classed as one. The. It was too late.

This is done by someone who's pretty clued in about the Fabs. The author hasn't just used the more well known songs. Some only a nut like me would pick up on. But I liked it although the ending jars a bit from the rest of the comedy.

You made one error - the Beatles had stopped playing live in August of 66 so the gig at the Arena is flight of fancy but I can live with it lol.

My thoughts on Paul Is Dead?  Pretty much didn't happen but the overall hoax was so well done that even the Beatles themselves enjoyed it. Some of the clues become a bit ridiculous as they refer to albums before the alleged car crash. I've checked out a few sites that argue that the current Paul is fake by studying the shape of his ears over the decades! Photo proof and all lol

Anyway nice one to start

A nice read and the use of Beatles/ John Lennon lyrics throughout for dialogue was pretty clever.

A pretty good take on an Urban Legend. Probably wrote by an Englishman with the use of "mate" at the start.

The story flowed easily and overall is it was nicely executed

Quoted from irish eyes Probably wrote by an Englishman with the use of "mate" at the start.

But since the Beatles were Englishmen, using "mate" in dialogue only makes sense, no?

Quoted from jeff But since the Beatles were Englishmen, using "mate" in dialogue only makes sense, no?

True, but scousers have their own set dialogue. A "scouser" is a liverpudlian if you didn't know. They usually don't finish their sentences with "mate"

"Mate" at the end is more of southern english thing.

I read the whole thing, but I might need to read it more critically when I get more time to do so. (SNL 40th can be very time consuming.  ;D)

I will tell you this: I Googled virtually every line to see if it was a Beatles reference.

This was really good! Fun and Quirky.
Loved the dialogue and all the references. :D

I was actually going to write my own Beatles story about how Ringo Starr is actually a clone or something or other which I heard on a reality show years back, but I couldn't find it online so decided against it. Anyway, thought we'd see a Beatles script so...

Actually, I may have confused poor Ringo with Paul. A decent effort, predictable, which is its biggest fault. Everything just happens without much conflict. A lot of explaining but not much action, we don't even see him dying -- that'd be a start. Avoid the talky BS, it just brings scripts down, audiences like to be entertained. I'm actually surprised with the twenty year skip, you'd think we'd see the new Paul in action with a few reactions but guess not. I'd probably also start with that. Not my thing unfortunately.

P.S. to my earlier post. Nice to see Stringer Bell writing something. Luther always did seem like the literary type.

This one was fun. Mostly an exercise in trying to put Beatle’s lines into as much dialogue as possible. It does that well, but sorta to the detriment of the story. I think more could’ve been done with the concert. Maybe make Billy’s performance so awful that the Beatle’s decide to stop playing live (which of course they did). For me the assassination angle was kind of a downer. I prefer to think both Lennon and McCartney faked their deaths, moved to Mexico and started a mariachi band.

Not much to say by way of improvement. Nice job.

Nice idea.

But I did find the constant lyrics in the dialogue distracting and used as dialogue I don't think it works. Didn't read well.

Nice finish though.

The whole thing just wasn't for me.

Good luck.

It's a brilliant idea of getting from the "Paul is dead" legend to the death of John Lennon in the same story. However, while you used some of the Beatles' lyrics appropriately, quite of few of them felt wedged in here, with no relation to the story itself.  It was like a mallet over the head saying "hey, look how clever I am."

In all honesty the story was a breeze to read, and if you are even remotely familiar with the Beatles (I can't believe someone's comment earlier -- "I've heard of them" -- whoa) then some of these would bring a smile to your face, others a groan.  All in all it's a good effort in trying to turn the lyrics into a comprehensible story.  That's hard to do, so very good job here.

Gary

I was going to review this, um, yesterday, but I got a little preoccupied.

Here goes nothing!

I didn't find much that I didn't like. But the Beatles stopped touring in 1966 because their newer (post-Rubber Soul) music had complex arrangements (e.g. the strings on Eleanor Rigby).

While bold and italics make for an easier read, they are often frowned upon in (spec) screenplays.

If you want the Billy Shears line to be more accurate, it's:

"So, let me introduce to you, the one and only, Billy Shears."

Other than that, the only other thing wrong is that Don didn't give you a Beatles pen name, such as:

L. Leonard Rigby (Eleanor Rigby)
Barry Paul (Bury Paul)
Barry Fields (Strawberry Fields Forever)
Russ Wall (I Am the Walrus)

---

Rating method:
A(+ -) Jude = A+, A, A-
Let it B(+ -) = B+, B, B-
Loose C(+ -) in the Sky with Diamonds = C+, C, C-
Ob-la-D(+ -) = D+, D, D-
Help! = F

I give your story a solid Let it B. Good job. :)

Can't say I liked this nearly as much as some of the other reviewers.  The urban legend here is really not explored at all.  Some imposter named Billy shows up for a couple scenes and that's the last we ever see or hear of him.  There's absolutely no emotional reaction by the other Beatles to the news that Paul is dead.   The script is much more concerned with jamming as many Beatle lyrics as possible into the dialogue than it is with actually telling a story.   The result is a script with a gimmicky, punny feel.  

I think this legend could have made for a great "what if" story.  If Paul had indeed died, how would Martin, Epstein and the lads pulled off this ruse with the "new Paul."  

Fun read.  The references are a bit forced in places, but that's understandable.  I'll just let it be.   :P

This was quite clever in so far as managing to get the Beatles lyrics into the dialogue, but it went too far for me as I had to re-read a lot of it to see if I could recognise the song it came from. Don't get me wrong, I like the Beatles, but it interrupted things a bit too much for my liking.

The ending seemed nicely wrapped up and timed, and was a good place to end it.

I quite liked it though.

Turn Me On Dead Man

I'm not so into the Beatles-hype generally.

I asked myself how it could work at all if the actors already are styled as Beatle-doubles (which isn't a problem per se but...) but the plot is also about Paul getting replaced by a double. No, esthetically it just can't work with Fake Beatles finding a Fake Fake Paul while we haven't seen Fake Paul No.1...imo
Good luck.

I tell you something, this is a great OWC effort.  Way beyond compare.

Please, please me and say the words I long to hear, that you've been working on this for years, not days.  Who in the world do you think you are, a super star?  Well, right you are.

No one's really watching us.

What a great UL. Awesome idea. This was very clever. Nice job incorporating so many lyrics. Don't know what else to say. This was very entertaining. Great job. :)

And the reward for most descriptions involving hair goes to…

Writing could be leaner but I’m still with this – one thing that bothers me is that the exposition is very full on and there doesn’t seem to be much emotion involved with the characters. Maybe I’m over thinking about this one though.

I don’t think you need the time elements in the slugs – a later would have been enough.

Wow! These hair descriptions just keep on coming. It’s kinda annoying but maybe that’s why you’re doing it.

Not much to say on this one, it was simple enough and didn’t stray too far from the urban legend. Some peeps will get a kick out of dialogue, but I found it overblown. I think you had fun here, so I will take it that way and say that it worked.

I wasn’t keen on the character descriptions but that’s a small detail. Overall, it just wasn’t for me – fun for peeps to reference Beatles songs etc but I’m more of a Backstreet Boys fan so it went straight over my head.

Entire title page is to be plain 12 point courier, title all caps only, please.
Turn off your program's unnecessary “Mores and Continueds” feature.
Very clever circle-blend of UL + actual history.
The lines from Beatles songs were well thought out, placed, and woven into the story. A true Beatles fan would likely appreciate the fun and games of identifying each of them, others may grow tiresome of it.
I think this would make a satisfactory short film, fun to produce and show off. Nice.

Writing style:
Good.

Dialogue:
Nothing to complain about.

Character:
Believable.

Story:
I like using an urban legend to give an explanation for a real event. I wish you put more drama in it. Showing us the real suffering and struggle of John for hiding the truth. The story has to stand on its own legs. If this was about a made up band would the story be worth telling?

Overall:
A good concept that could have been executed a little better.

David

This was inspired stuff.

It could’ve just been a straight account of the McCartney-being-dead-since-the-60s myth but not only did you cleverly tie it in to John Lennon’s assassination but also peppered the dialogue with many of their song lyrics.

Although, said dialogue sometimes sounded clunky because of this, especially from Brian Epstein for some reason, it still worked for the most part and I have to commend the sheer effort and ingenuity above all else. Plus, being a big Beatles fan, I got a nerdy kick out of identifying them and the songs.

It goes without saying (but I’m gonna say it anyway) and its probably been mentioned already above but this is most definitely the script Stevie wish he wrote ;) You had a sure vote from the Victorian within the first page.

Col.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 David This was inspired stuff. It could’ve just been a straight account of the McCartney-being-dead-since-the-60s myth but not only did you cleverly tie it in to John Lennon’s assassination but also peppered the dialogue with many of their song lyrics. Although, said dialogue sometimes sounded clunky because of this, especially from Brian Epstein for some reason, it still worked for the most part and I have to commend the sheer effort and ingenuity above all else. Plus, being a big Beatles fan, I got a nerdy kick out of identifying them and the songs. It goes without saying (but I’m gonna say it anyway) and its probably been mentioned already above but this is most definitely the script Stevie wish he wrote ;) You had a sure vote from the Victorian within the first page. Col.

Thanks Col - much appreciated