Arthur the Legend by Victor Drazen - Short - A senile old man becomes a legend among legends. - pdf, format 8)

Logline doesn't say much... or so it seems. We'll see, I suppose.

I know what you're going for here, I just didn't laugh very much. The one gag where we find out it wasn't his car to begin with was funny, but the rest didn't do it for me.

I think more urban legend characters are needed within the normal narrative with even more irony for this to work.

And the first of the pissers is here.  Nice.

Well...wait a second...is it alright if I label this a big old hairy pisser?  Or is it merely a comedy?  To me, it reeks of urine, as the writing itself appears to be purposely bad in so many different ways.

Is it funny?  Well, I laughed numerous times, but many of those laughs weren't over the jokes themselves, but more the presentation, and again, to me, that's what a pisser is.

At 9 pages, this ran a bit long for me.  Many of the jokes weren't that funny...or weren't funny at all.  Hey, I like me a big old hairy pisser, but this one won't be remembered, sorry to say.

Writing style:
I loved the way you write the scene. It was visually strong. I mean none of it was unclear or confusing. None of it was over the top.  I haven't seen red flags as far as screenwriting is concerned. Well done.

Characters:
I couldn't find any depth to them. I didn't relate to them. Maybe you didn't want them to be so, or made no effort for it on purpose, but I believe even for a comedy, a character needs to have some depth and we need to relate to him somehow. I remember the hungover and how it managed to give each of the friends a problem we could relate to. One had no friends, one had a controlling girlfriend.

Dialogue:
I thought the part when Arthur talked to himself in the beginning felt forced. His dialogue with Junior felt real, but most of it wasn't funny. I had some good chuckles but I wished for more. The slender man was a bit funny, but the humor in his lines left something to be desired.

Story:
It progressed at a good pace. But there was no structure to it. Even for a piece that is "parody-ish," it still needed to have a solid structure. "The cabin in the woods" was a mockery for the genre to some extant, but we still got a well structured story where we were eager to know what happens next to the characters. In your story, I was just tagging along but I wasn't eager to flip the pages because nothing made me want to.

Over all:
I think you're skilled and you could tell any story you want with ease and finesse, but this won't matter if you don't put more effort into making the story itself intriguing and compelling.

Score: 2/5
Thank you and good luck.

Okay, well - I'll give you plenty of credit for throwing in everything except the kitchen sink.  Maybe that as well, I might've missed it in all the details.  And - I truly admit that I laughed out loud at the first appearance of Richard Gere.  The hairy palms bit was a nice mesh of urban legends, too.  But once Arthur pulled out the gun and shot the kids, it was pretty clear this one was a pisser.  Too crazy of one to retain my interest.  (BTW - how did Arthur drive off in the car, if it wasn't his?  You didn't specifically mention that the key was already in the ignition...

Imaginative, I'll give it that.  Gotta get rid of those Continueds, though...  :P

"sits on the dead kid in the
driver seat." ;D

What a shame, since that's the only line I really laughed at. A lot of the jokes fall flat, and the writer tries hard but they just don't work. Could've been special. Towards the start as well, it felt like you didn't know how serious you were going to take the script, mullets and Richard Gere and all. Needs work if it's a comedy, also needs work if it's a pisser. I remember this one writer submitted like 3 at once a few OWCs back, definitely some of my favourites. Always had a good laugh. Maybe an appearance of Cowboy Sam or Frenchman Cozco could've made this funnier.

I'm not the biggest comedy fan....not seen a good comedy in at least a decade.


This one fell flat for me. Most comedies do.

Quoted from nawazm11 Maybe an appearance of Cowboy Sam or Frenchman Cozco could've made this funnier.

Genius!!!  I forgot about those 2 lovable characters!!!!  I need me some Cowboy Sam and Cozco.

arthur

well at first sight hardly an urban legend, but lets no right it off until we read…

The kids were great, but the clown
          tasted funny.

boom boom

well that was bonkers.

I enjoyed some, and other parts dragged. Some good lines though.

I loved most of the lines, very funny stuff!  The murder of the 2 kids jarred a bit for me as it wasn't exactly numerous. But yeah Richard Gere stole the show although you forgot the masking tape to wrap around the gerbil. Or is that used for guinea pigs?

Oh, and technically, as I pointed out to Jeff, because comedy is a genre allowed in this, then there are no pisstakes, even if they are.

Does that make sense?  Does to me lol

Aside from the points that others made, I would say that the overabundance of ULs detracts from the story. Focusing on one or the collision of two with a twist would have, in my opinion, made for a more engaging story. The ending reminded me of the classic Robert D. Raiford "Armageddon" skit.

C'mon, some of you people need to lighten up! There's some funny stuff here, and I really liked the idea of mashing all the urban legends together.  Made for a fun romp, and if people want to look at something like as being a pisser, then I don't know what to say.

Sure there were some groaners, but there was some pretty clever lines and visuals here. And the payoff at the end was golden.

So a winner for me.

Gary

Okaaaaaay...  :o

Some formatting issues:

Didn't look like 12pt Courier to me.

12pt Courier should look like this.

Screenplays (or at least specs) shouldn't use bold or italics.

Orphaned slugs in a couple places. You could have used a page break if your software didn't do it automatically.

The story itself:

I'm as confused as Arthur himself. I thought this was gonna be about a senile King Arthur, but then it becomes a story about some senile guy named Arthur who bumbles through the story. We didn't get an urban legend until Bigfoot (or Junior/Bigfeet, as you call him) showed up.

Not sure what the whole Blair Witch thing was about.

Then the ending reminded me of Cabin in the Woods, which was purposely over-the-top and not meant to be taken seriously.

I'm not sure how to grade this story, but I'll try.

Grading method:
Better than Matlock = A+, A, A-
What'll they think of next? = B+, B, B-
Back in my day... = C+, C, C-
Zzzzzzzz, huh, what? = D+, D, D-
Get off my lawn! = F

I'm gonna have to go with: Back in my day...

The title page says Copyright 2014.

Does this mean it was not written last week?

I'm inclined not to read it.

But I guess I will.

Back later...

Seems to me that Beavis or Butthead wrote several of the entries this time.

The thing is, B and B are often funny.

This script isn't. It thinks it is. Just like boys in middle school think they're funny.

This kind of stuff degrades the OWC.

Gere elements were funny, as was the Alzheimers and wrong car but... the rest was just a little uneven.

Decent effort and well enough written but didn't do it for me.

Anthony

Hey Writer,

Thought this was funny. A little over the top, but it had it's moments. I think you may have missed out on a few opportunities to make this even funnier. Like, perhaps making Slender Man even taller where he's banging his head on the cabin... repeatedly! But I think your visuals were good for the most part.

The problem I have with this is that it feels like you didn't put more effort into this than you felt you had to. For a comedy it could be better written. It feels like you just wrote this in one sitting and said, Okay! Done! Any writer's work deserves more than that.

As far as this being a pisser? Well, it's got all the elements of one, that's for sure. But the one thing it doesn't have, which leads me to believe it's a serious entry (in a sense), is that Zinger moment at the end where the reader goes, Oh fuck! Yep, it's a pisser.

Other than that, not bad and I thought it was funny for what it is. However, it misses the mark on the challenge parameters in a big way.

Steve

Arthur the Legend

Is this Courier font? The caps? Concerning font your script shouldn't stand out.

"SHOPPERS of all shapes and sizes move around in their everyday
spandex leotards, Batman pajama bottoms and studded leather
mini skirts with a purposeful grace. "

good decription

"Her cart filled to the brim with... blah "

Not necessary to know imo

Lol better make clear we only see Gere's gray back of the head or you'd need to actually have him in ;-)

"he...sits on the dead kid in the driver seat"

Is this possible with regards to the way you described tottery Arthur?

Okay, it completely drifts apart. Don't know if I should even give you notes. In such a bizarre stuff it's less ... valuable to point on beats and single parts??

Reads as if you wanted to handle the story of a man who shot somebody because of bad guessing they steal his car at first, and when you got stuck you made it a satire like Scary movie something...

Pretty crazy. Such thing is more interesting than some of the completely safe scripts but in the end the cynical satire is hard to handle and has to be damn good imo or it's not taken serious and perhaps or probably it wasn't your goal.

Some parts were funny. In the end it doesn't work beyond this challenge, on its own, which is a big decider in my eyes.

OMG I needed a laugh! I was laughing by the middle of page 1 at the sight of the mullet woman in yoga pants. :)

Great writing on display here. Wordsmith. If this is a pisser, it's nice to see someone throw witty voice all over the page so kudos from me.

Ok tides are turning for me ie The Richard Gere gerbil thing was too much for me *gag*

Oh gawd...then it gets worse with Big Foot and his penis. I can't take it...bailing...shame to waste such talent man. Good writing...story not for me.

Ah, face it... writing a script from scratch in a week is tough work. This is a start, but with some polishing it could be good. Many of the criticisms are personal tastes, so take them with a grain of salt... my own included. Besides, aren't we all coming together in this forum to share our work and to improve how we practice the craft? ALL of us have written some duds (not saying this is one)... we learn from them. Write on!

Congratulations on a great description for Junior, as it actually made me laugh out loud. "As ugly as a hat full of busted assholes" is definitely coming to the pub with me next week. :D

There were a few other moments in this that made me chuckle too. Oddly enough, I found one of the other OWC scripts that involved Bigfoot funny too. Perhaps I just have a penchant for Bigfoot based humour.

Overall, there were a few lines that were a little wordy, but I liked it.

read a little ways. I felt the initial set up in store was for comedy, being sort of off beat and all. The writing confused me some, not always clear what I was looking at. Then the Richard Gere thing...I know the reference, not contemporary and would show age, and I didn't laugh at it. Then outside the store in the parking lot, shooting the two kids, that was a tone changer. So I didn't know what I was in for.

So we get home and the clown statue is shot...hmmm.

Then the ape and hairy what ever with his dick in his hand.

A dream? I didn't want to hang around to find out.

I should add that my image of an 82 year old does not fit the writing and with everything else going on, being so violent; only added to the weirdness. The action attributed to this 82 year old feel too yound and agile, didn't fit. I kept thinking an 82 year old is doing this? Shock value?

Quoted Text On the produce aisle stands ARTHUR CLARK, 82, at the helm of an empty cart. His face haggard and drawn, his movement or lack thereof, does not belie his age.[/quote] Several instances of almost perfect description going a bit too far. This sentence is far too complicated.  Just say something like ....his slow movement.... [quote]Arthur draws a handgun, points it at the kids. ARTHUR I have a gun, and I know how to use it! The kids now have mortal fear in their eyes. KID ONE It's – BANG BANG Arthur lets out two shots, striking both kids in the forehead, blood spewed everywhere…..

The Arthur “I have a gun and know how to use it line is misplaced. Why would he give them a warning if he was going to shoot them anyway? IMO, works much better if he just shoots them without saying anything the minute they mouth off.

Some of the action blocks are a bit long and they could be broken up.

Quite a few punctuation errors.

In terms of the story - there were moments that I laughed. For me, there were also too many moments when I cringed. Maybe it's just my taste.

I liked your description of Tarmart and it's customers. It reminds me of the few times I went into my local Walmart.

Curious to see just how many UL's you had in here. I admire the effort of trying to fit so many in, but that also ruined any chances of this being a coherent story.

I agree that Richard Gere wins. :)  

Straight off the bat, I might as well take off my serious hat…

“everyday spandex leotards, Batman pajama bottoms” Slapstick comedy is in the air.

Is anybody in this store below 40?

Richard Gere! Should you have introduced him from the get-go?

“I was in there so long it turned to night.” This is not a good line, even in a pisser; this wouldn’t be considered a good line.

“TWO KIDS, 18, sit in the front seat.” Are they on top of one another or is there two seats?

Arthur had a handgun!? He’s only at the local shops, right? Must be a dodgy neighbourhood.

Arthur’s a real Dirty Harry and an actuate shot as well.

“sits on the dead kid in the driver seat.” Really!? This made me chuckle. Probably been easier to throw the body out of the car or maybe Arthur is after another type of thrill.

Try not to repeat your slugs in the opening line.

Winding road, old dirt road and uneven road. That’s a lot of roads. You could have started this whole scene with him driving towards the cabin.

“It comes to a stop.” What did? The car or the chimney?

For an obvious comedy, there isn’t many laughs to be had – the story feels like it’s getting bogged down by unnecessary details like the description of the roads and cabin. Even the shopping mart at the beginning felt overplayed.

Add the mini slug “living room” into your main slug, IMO.

It tells me the place is a mess but it sounds like only the dining table and the chairs are effected – maybe it’s always a mess.

The clown statue bleeds? Does Arthur have a fear of clowns? Just wanted why he shot that poor, defenceless clown.

“molasses in winter.” Yep, you lost me and I can’t be bothered to Google it.

“hallway.

HALLWAY”

You could take “hallway” from the action and cut straight to the mini-slug. It would cut that pesky orphan.

“appears to be mid twenties, nearly seven foot tall” Or- “mid twenties and seven foot tall”

“A porn mag lies on the floor, pages ripped out.” That’s just a waste.

Do we need a new slug for the bathroom?

“huge hairy penis in the other.” Would have been funnier if it was small… You could somehow tie in that saying “you know what they say about guys with big feet” a myth in itself.

“we got bigger issues to deal with, I have two dead bodies in my car” Arthur has turned into the Godfather.

Junior took that news about the two dead kids really well – guess that stays in tone with the rest of the story.

“this ain't your car.” This gave me a chuckle. But I think gets ruined by Junior’s dialogue afterwards where he’s explaining the difference in both cars.

“devours them on the spot.” He devours three kids at once? I don’t know… there was some believability to this story before this but now I’m not sure.

“let's” Should be lets – spotted this a couple of times.

“I thrive on humans, tearing their flesh, eating their bones... are you human?” Not much of conversationalist is he?

That pesky Richard Gere – he is the worse I guess.

It kept in tone throughout which was wacky comedy – the idea of bringing all the urban legends together is ambitious and probably could only work if the story isn’t taking itself very seriously. This was the case here – some of the jokes were good (the wrong car) but most unfortunately didn’t work for me but comedy is subjective and this just isn’t to my tastes.

I think it’s the actual plot rather than the jokes that makes the story struggle. It’s unfocused at the moment – Arthur goes to shop, comes home, they hide some bodies before he has a birthday party. None of the events seem to connect to make a satisfying story. You can have all the best jokes in the world but at the end of the day, this is a story (beginning, middle, end) and this one felt like a overlong skit without focus. Give Arthur a goal at the beginning and let jokes flow from that predicament – if he’s having a party then use that at the start – maybe he can try and persuade the shoppers to come. This means we see a man desperate and makes the ending with the freaks a little more satisfying. He’s found friends with the freaks – on the same note, I’m turning this idea into a Disney movie, so maybe Slender man should kill everyone in the rewrite!

I get the feeling you tried to cram as many urban legends into this script as possible in a comedic way. Apart from Bigfoot and Bloody Mary, I'm not familiar with any of them. Probably why this didn't work for me.

Entire title page is to be plain 12 point courier, title all caps only, please.
Turn off your program's unnecessary “Mores and Continueds” feature.
Story’s a poor mish-mash by page four, bordering on pisser.
Sorry. This just isn’t anywhere near as entertaining as I’m sure it would be at two in the morning.

I found some of this funny; Richard Gere and Bigfeet, but some parts less so.  

The wrong car mistake I saw coming but I didn't mind but by killing the kids it went from wacky to dark comedy and I don't think it mixed well.

For what it is, a piss take, it was pretty good though.

Quoted from Alffy For what it is, a p*ss take, it was pretty good though.

Anthony, you're officially unfriended on facebook ;D;D;D

http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/tv/family-feud-answer-leaves-host-speechless/story-e6frfmyi-1227216783492

Yo Marky, this chick ( who isn't too shabby either; sister is hot too...but I digress) musta read your script and was inspired by the comedy!

;D;D

That's freaking funny bro