Angels by Squeedie Armadillo - Short, Drama - A life changing experience leaves a City worker questioning whether Miracles exist, and whether they are a good thing, or not. - pdf, format 8)

Hi Squeedie - where do folk get their names?

Logline - quite liked that. Let's see

First paragraph could be tighter.

I thought her question to joe was a little strange, I think we could have done with knowing he was the owner.

I made a few notes then lost them so sorry not much more detail to add. I rememeber there was a time lapse that should be clearer - moon to sun

This was quite a reflective piece finished with more of a conclusion than a twist.

At time it seemed a little meandering - she entered, went up the lift, had a bath, feel asleep got up etc but then it trotted along after the accident.

She saw the angel the day before the accident, and at the accident, but no time after.i wonder why she saw him before?

I think the topic of what are the implication of an accident, how do we feel, how we react, is a solid area to explore . I think I would have liked a little more contrast or conflict with the character - grace -  who was a tad bland.

But overall, not a bad entry for a weeks work and one that could be given more focus and bite with a little more time.

All the best

I think you kind of lost me after the elevator fell. Not as in I didn't understand it, but that I lost interest. I think the stuff with Father James was fine, but I think the final scene with Joe should be gone. Also, I was hoping for a more dreary ending, but I guess these all can't be depressing as hell. Solid effort which went on too long.

B-.

As I go...

Hmmm, another one with a wierd name on the actual title page.  Could this be the same writer submitting numerous scripts under numeruos pseudonyms?  Very strange...

Writing's a little overdone, but nothing too glaring.  Seems to be a "good writer", but everything is overwritten.

"round" - interesting, as I've seen this incorrectly used in several scripts - should be "around". Maybe there are multiple entries by this writer?  Hmmm...

Page 2 - "She pushes the door to behind her" - Huh?

General Note - I entioned overwriting and it's continuing.  You're also not breaking up your passages correctly, which makes this seem even heavier than it probably is.

Page 3 and I'm out.  I'm sorry, as there's nothing terribly wrong with your writing or even storytelling, but it's so slow, so dull, and nothing has happened of any remote interest other than the angel appearing.  Too densely written for so little happening.

I didn't see the need for Grace to actually witness the angel the day before the accident.  You only get one chance for the big reveal in a tale like this.  IMO, the reveal of the angel would been more shocking if he was one of the people who walked into the elevator, then turned around and shook his head at Grace.  She steps back in terror, then snap, bang, down goes the vator.

After the accident, things get very slow and ponderous.  Just a lot of talking with priests and psychiatrists with no real answers given.  I think one of the reasons that these urban legends hold a fascination for us is the creepy and/or ironic endings that they have.  The fateful twist here was the angel in the elevator.  After that, the character of Grace alone just didn't have enough substance to carry seven more pages of story.

Huh.  I think this has the potential to be a really nice piece, but it's not there yet.  We've clearly got a writer with talent here: some very nice lines like "balconies surrendered to rust".  And I like that the urban legend was basically just used as a jumping off point for a deeper theme.  Interesting choice.  It's overwritten as is, but that's very easily remedied.

More important, I felt there wasn't quite enough focus in the second half.  Parts of it rambled too loosely (like the conversation with Joe about the elevator malfunctioning: that could be tightened up considerably.)  I could pick on other things - like the Father's false dichotomy assertion that there are only two ways to look at the world.  But that's the character's point of view, and really beside the point.  

What matters is that you tightened and polish this one up - making it more focused into a piece of reality/vs/insanity and choosing to deal (spiritually or not) with life's uncertainties.  Then you could really have a gem on your hands.

Ends up being a bit of a philosophical/existential meditation on the meaning of life - survivor guilt, consequences of actions, or inaction/negligence in the case of the apartment manager.

It all went into a bit too much ruminating and repetition - her face in the mirrors is a great image and I liked the way you wrote it the first time but it loses its potency with the restating. The dialogue with the psychiatrist and the priest was also laid on too thick. A lot of this can be fixed with more time but overall I just felt your set up was good but the denouement was a let down.

The source material is what you had to work with but it's a little light on I suppose. Did you make the most of it by putting your own spin on it? I think you could have done more.

I did like the beginning - it was intriguing and there was some suspense happening but I wanted more of that and a bang ending - perhaps something shocking or even ironic.

Hard to take this one in, not a fan, I think her situation needs to be emphasized a little better and it needs to be a defining moment. Right now, it's just talk and talk and you guessed it, more talk. There's no resolve, and I hate to say it, but it tries to be deep when there just isn't enough drama.

Stories like these, where a character is dealing with an inner trauma, need to be dealt visually. There needs to be a mutual understanding between the character and the audience. If all she does is tell other people about her situation, it just passes right by us. Needs some work unfortunately.

Some good points have already been made, so I'll focus on something that struck me.

The notion that the man in white was an angel does not come from Grace. It comes from the psychiatrist, who then disabuses her of the idea. (He also seems awfully sure of himself and pretty quick with his diagnosis.)

Anyway, why an angel (aside from the Urban Legend)? Why not Lucifer? Or the Elevator Demon?

Might be an angle to consider if you decide to rewrite.

One other thing:

I've noticed a tendency among some commenters to get impatient if "nothing's happening." In my view, everything doesn't have to be instant action. A script isn't a video game. There should be room for subtlety, rumination, development.

Written well, but I was bored half way through.

Quoted from Stumpzian I've noticed a tendency among some commenters to get impatient if "nothing's happening." In my view, everything doesn't have to be instant action. A script isn't a video game. There should be room for subtlety, rumination, development.

I actually enjoy a slow burn...probably more than most, but that doesn't mean literally nothing can happen for pages and I'll be engaged.  Also, alot of this has to do with the writing - good writing, I'll stay on the ride.  Poor, and/or dense dull writing - stop the ride...I want off.

The writing in and of itself here is actually quite good. Almost too good.  The action lines read like a novel with a lot of flowery description, which is fine to a point. Don't want to take it too far, and you were playing right along that line for the most part.

I agree with someone who said  not to have the last part with Joe in there. If he's being sued, he's not going to talk with anyone about what happened because it can be used against him in a trial.  And with him deliberately avoiding certain building materials/repairs to the elevator, he could be criminally liable as well. So I'd take it out.

Not sure the discussion between the Priest and Grace (interesting name choice there) is working for me. The Priest seems almost disinterested in trying to defend the faith. I think that may be my biggest issue here is that the stakes aren't big enough -- there needs to be a little harder edge to it.  Take a side and play it hard instead of playing it down the middle. The middle is safe.  One side or the other is more difficult to pull off, but ultimately more rewarding.

Still, excellent writing style on display here.

Gary

On the negative side - many parts were over written - I felt as if I was reading a novel in several parts of the script - a good novel - but still a novel.

I for one absolutely loved the philosophical elements of this script and would give it a thumbs up on that alone.

Sorry, didn't work for me.  I see her problem with the angel, but the story didn't move along to a reasonable conclusion.  

Best
richard

For me there was a lot of prose type action, could be stripped down further and shave a couple of pages off.

The was one of te few OWCs to swerve comedy and have some depth, so admirable from that respect.

Ultimately for me this was a little too slow, but I think with some editing and polishing it could work,

Good effort

Anthony

SPOILERS

Instead of repeatedly showing us the infinite Graces reflected in the elevator, some character, either the doctor or the priest, has got to say  "thousands of Graces stretching out as far as the eye can see in every direction" -- because it's a beautiful phrase and because it's essential to the story.  

The accident scene is concise and effective, the audience will likely question the reality of what happened just as Grace does.  

Following the accident, the heavy reliance on dialogue, especially Grace's formal sounding sentences work well to convey the panic that Grace feels; the bottom has fallen out of her sense of reality, she's trying to reconnect to the outside world with big blocks of spoken words, if a visual were provided we'd see the text of what she says appear in diagram form.

I like the development of all the characters, especially, of course, Grace.   This could be a wonderful film.  It's a delightful script.

I'm not entirely sure about this one.

Personally, if I looked out of my front door and there was a bloke walking down the corridor giving of some sort of glow, I don't think I'd be quite as calm as she was. It would seriously unnerve me. Also, I think you mean "gawps" as opposed to "gapes" at him (unless it's an Americanism?)

The writing was very good, if just a little too novel like.

So, if she doesn't get in, she believes that an angel has saved her life? I hope I've got that right. But what about the others in the lift? It was her decision not get in, he didn't prevent her. Maybe I'm losing a bit here.

After the lift fall, it did seem to meander off, but not a bad job.

Hated the opening paragraph I’m afraid to say – not a good start IMO.

Is this overwritten or is preference on my side? I’m finding that a lot of the writing could be tightened at the moment. It seems like we’re following every little detail. It took 3 lines for her to push a button.

“He turns away and continues into the elevator.” But he didn’t push the button. How come it was open for him?

The changing of scenes is completely unnecessary for me at the moment. Did we really need to see her nightly routine?

“wearing the same suit as yesterday.” Literally?! Or does she have the same costume for every day?

“presses the button.” See! She had to push the button again. She needs to learn some tricks off the black eyed dude.

“Grace is inside the elevator again.” Is this a flashback? I just can’t imagine Grace going inside that elevator again!
I’m getting confused now. This needs some clarity.

I’m starting to browse over this now, the dialogue is becoming tiresome for me – it feels long-winded with Caldwell.

“Strangely isolated against the stark backdrop of humanity amongst which she finds herself.” You’re starting to lose me, but don’t fear – I’m a stupid reader. This might just be going straight over my head.

She went to a psychiatrist and a priest – she knows that their opinions might differ on the subject of angels, right? I think this gonna make her even more confused, or she pays all that money on a psychiatrist just to ignore his help.
What happened to Joe?

“I’ve had months” No wonder he looks different – it’s been a while since we last saw him.

“I was broke.” Yeah, this won’t be a good defence – he better get prepared better.

I really don’t think we need Joe’s sob story but maybe it plays a part in the story.

“lift” You changed it to lift – this caught me off guard, you’ve called elevator throughout but changed suddenly. Best to be consistent.

“Grace is still next to Father James.” Another flashback?

A different take on the challenge for sure but overall, I found this one a little slow. It could be the writing and dialogue which I found overlong and tiresome or the fact that after the elevator dropped, nothing really happened. It seems that Grace was questioning whether there was an angel and the meaning behind it all but that answer was never actually revealed as far as I can tell.

I guess we were fundamentally delving into the character’s state of mind – guilt and trauma of the event but I don’t think it’s accomplished and gets swamped with drawn out dialogue with the Priest, Caldwell and Joe. Needs some work IMO.

Pg. 1 - "an infinity of Graces".  Wow. I love this. What a great visual you set up in just this little elevator scene. How Grace stares uncomfortably at herself, surrounded by mirrors, no way to not look at herself. Nice writing.

Pg. 3 - "The moon, framed by the window, glides gently across the sky and is replaced by the brilliant sunshine.: -- nice transition.

Well, I really liked  Grace. You did such a great job bringing her to life and making her a sympathetic character. The story itself was good but I felt it went on a bit too long and some parts, like the scenes with Caldwell, dragged a bit.

I like your writing. There's a lot of dimension to it. Like the elevator scene I mentioned. You described the surroundings but also we got a better idea of what Grace looked like and how she felt about what she looked like, and the atmosphere was uncomfortable. -- But that being said, I feel like us watching Grace move through every step of her routine, slowed things down a little.

Really good effort here. Nice work for one week.

I like how you captured Grace and revealed her throughout, searching, showing her asking questions most of us ask. Not sure the rooftop sun soaking closes things for this story, but as far as closing her conversation with the priest, I'm good.

I think most underestimate the power of 12 pages and what can be done with them if you consider what you write and how you write. Not that you had more in your head to write about this but if you did...

Some techy issues made the reading stilted at first, had to reread. People just don't appear, in general, unless they are like the white skinned/black eyed dude.

I had a thought about the rooftop thing; with the pervasive theme in these OWCs I expected her to throw herself off the building. Thanks for not doing that. I choose to believe her rooftop experience is a mirror of her conversation with the priest and that is exaclty what she was doing there.

Angels

Very well written, sometimes a little over written

Lift or an Elevator, I know technically they're the same thing,  but in the grand old USA I know a lot of people who are unaware of what a lift is and try calling it an elevator in the UK :D

This reads awkward :
FATHER JAMES, a noble looking Priest in his fifties with a
beard, notices her and makes his way towards her and sits
next to her.

Maybe:
FATHER JAMES, a noble Priest, mid fifties, glances at Glance, takes a seat beside her.

Also:
Grace is still next to Father James... She is still there a few days later :D needs a comma

Overall the story was a little slow for me, it read very well but the use of Joe was kinda pointless. Also I'm too sure the Priest or psychiatrist actually helped Grace in any way.

Angels

"She looks round the elevator, at the endless succession of images of herself reflected between the mirrors.

An Infinity of Graces." <- you repeat what you exactly have shown in the sentence before.

First she closes the door, looks into the mirror, and then she immediately opens the door again because of the light. Reads uneven. Sure, her stay in the apartment can be short-time before she opens the door again but it has to be interesting at least.

"Grace sweeps her hair back, luxuriates in the caress of the water."    Very good; I think that's one of the ways how to write such a famous image best.

You went a lot with building mood like: light from the TV, moon light, those crossfades. – somehow I go with it. Despite of the fact that there's not much happening for a long time, the extraterrestrial guy was interesting, so I give her some sleep.

So, there's action.

Between p4 and 5 you need a (MORE) and CALDWELL(CONTINUED)or (CONT'D) to clear up who's speaking when I turn the page – it's very important IMO.

"We have
barely gotten off this planet, let
alone outside the Universe." Just cut that. Her point's already clear.

I think you should rewrite both of the dialogue scenes, PSYCHIATRIST’S office and church. Make it shorter and deliver the context just a bit different, and not so... repetitive, and especially not so superficial and forced, as it feels to me, a bit.

The dialogue at Joe's office is not good; the last blocks are even very off imo; it's long, cheesy, her characterization goes wrong there too (she lays the blame on herself so much? Like WHAT? ;-) )  Complete rewrite of that scene needed imo. And again shorter, shorter, shorter.

This kind of ending is amusing to me. It's just different. I like it. It had style.

The dialogue wasn't my thing as you might have recognized.

Your visuals are strong; your story craft, for example, with ending the script the way you did, with leaving some things open,  is brave and strong. My advice would be to trust in that. This script makes me realize again how strong visuals can be in opposite to dialogue. It could be 7p imo.

Quite strong entry of you. Dialogue needs cutting, cutting, cutting. The ending was the big deal here, the rest was solid. I like most that you're experimenting with a couple of stuff.

I found myself getting bored pretty quick on this one. I liked the idea of having the different points of view between mental trauma and religion. But I was waiting for a satisfying conclusion and it didn't seem to come to one.

Interesting examination into someone stuck between the twin horrors of Existentialism and Deism. Either there's no God and no Objective Morality, therefore any supposed "meaning" derived from life is Subjective...and ultimately pointless....or there is a God and every single thought and action becomes a moral test....and everyone is pretty much condemned. It's a Binary choice and neither seems pleasant.


The Psychiatrist represents the idea that life is a Random event, that there is no deeper meaning to what Grace experienced, or indeed to life. The Priest the opposite...the idea that each and every thought matters.

Grace, lonely, isolated, clearly in need of finding a deeper meaning in life, and now suffering from Survivor Guilt from an event she suspects she could have prevented, goes on a quest to investigate to discover the truth about the event she experienced and what it means to her.

The scene with Joe is the real world Crucible in which the two opposing ideologies are tested. Grace sees how the accident wasn't random...but was directly caused by numerous real world choices made by different parties, and was something that could have been prevented....including by herself.

We are left at the end with the Grand Irony that Grace has discovered meaning in her life, and from a certain perspective even found the Face of God...but is left being partly responsible for the deaths of seven people...and her whole life is about to change.

Suggestions:

1. The Psychiatrist needs to be more representative of the idea that what she experienced was meaningless.
2. Make Grace more resistant to the arguments of both the Psychiatrist and the Priest...this will increase conflict.
3. Have the Priest make clearer the moral consequences of individual action to more effectively foreshadow the scene with Joe.
4. Have Grace actually enter the elevator before getting out...this will introduce a further element to the story...the idea that Grace is actually dead and she is going through a literal, as well as a metaphorical Purgatory.

This started well.

I got a little bored after the accident and nothing much seemed to happen. Just some long pieces of dialogue.

The ending, for me, was poor. No pay off really.

Good luck.

To add to the idea that the man in white was an Angel or a figment of her imagination, it’d be good to clarify that the man’s body was never actually found afterward.

“I saw that man, I am sure of it, and only seven bodes were found, not eight.” Okay, you get to it. But by the time it’s mentioned it is a throwaway line. We will have already guessed that this is the case by the end of the conversation. Either move it to the top or cut it all together.

“everything is a miracle” Try shouting that down the empty shaft.

Joe’s a little too eager to admit his culpability in seven people’s deaths. Maybe add something between these two that makes it clear there’s an expectation of confidence between them. Right now he’s just the friendly ole doorman. Imply a deeper history.

I’m not sure what was intended with the conversation with Joe. It felt like maybe it was supposed to be about how things just happen and you can’t control them, but that would work better if the elevator had been perfectly fine. Recently serviced even. As is, it’s most definitely Joe’s fault. He knew it was a problem, did nothing and is now trying blame everyone but himself. “Maybe. In a different world.” Yeah. A world where Joe’s not an ass.  

I did like this. It’s different than the other entries. Writing nitpicks aside, I thought the build up was done well and the accident could be downright horrifying. But I don’t think the set-up properly serves the discussions that come after. Grace ends up feeling responsible, but she didn’t do anything. And what really underlines this is that Joe’s completely responsible. It’s hard to hit the “everything has a purpose” angle when you can just point to Joe and say, “Nope. It’s cause he’s cheap.”

Also the last line’s a little too sermonizing. It’s one of those things people say, but it doesn’t help because it’s so general and generic. I’d personally go with something along the lines of, “One moment at a time.” as that addresses the real issue of not being paralyzed by worry.

Overall this is pretty good with potential to be more. It may be trying to be about too much right now. If you could focus it in, than fit the story choices to support it, I think you’d have a much stronger piece.

Very Kubrickian.
Only if the cinematography can be nailed will a select audience find this dry story be redeeming.
But it could be done.

Writing style:
Good enough.

Dialogue:
It was good overall. I enjoyed the philosophical aspect of some lines. I wished there was more distinction between the characters voices. They sounded a bit the same to me.

Character:
You didn't make me care for Grace. I was emotionally detached from the events.

Story:
I loved the build up, but the payoff left me unsatisfied. There was also no conflicts, no stakes. You could argue the argument with the doctor was the conflict and knowing what she saw was real or not was the stakes. But it wasn't enough. The story had no drama.

I really liked this - would definitely make one of my recommends.
The atmosphere the visuals, her questioning ways. The only thing - I think it needs something more to give support to your last lone. How do you live like this? I pray. --i think you need to build to it better. At any rate I loved this, smthing completely different.

Thanks for the read, Kham. I was surprised to see this back on the portal.

I didn't expect too many to "get" this one, especially in the OWC, but I'm extremely proud of it and I'm glad a couple of people liked it.

Rick.