Happy Anniversary by Dr. Oliver Thredson - Short, Horror - {no logline} - pdf, format 8)

A take on the urban legend about a couple who is killed by someone they randomly met in a parking lot.  The story is adequately constructed. It's also predictable since the legend is so well known.

A few items to consider:  

The passage about the kid at camp doesn't have any payback. Now, if he came back from camp, that would be up there with "drying off" the dog.

The phone scene was a tradtional way of exposition but try to do something more interesting.

I haven't stabbed anyone but I don't think blood flows slowly from a head wound. Nor is the knife easy to pull out of the skull.

The ending could have been drawn out a bit more so we have time to accept the death scene. Some catchphrase from the story might help,

Oh yeah, loglines do help.

Gary

Oh man...I wish I could be more positive here. I really, really do.  But I can't.

The writing on display here is very, very poor.  Incredibly awkward.  Mistakes everywhere.  Dialogue so wooden and phony, it actually comes across as a spoof, parady, or...pisser.  The asides do nothing but add to the irritation.  And, once again, we have CONTINUED on the top and bottom of every page.  Really?

The story and plot is just so heavily padded with stuff that goes nowhere, means nothing, and again, is just so completely unbelievable.

Nothing of any importance happens until the bottom of Page 4, and again, it's all written so poorly, it comes off almost comedic.  Then we get to the "party", which lasts an incredible 1/2 page.  The killer then shows up, violently kills both our Protags, and finally he puts the cute family dog in the microwave oven.  The end.

There's no tension here.  No horror, accept for the killings themselves, but again, the way they're written, all potential power is completely lost.

What's with the "Daddy cool" line?  No clue whatsoever, and it's used twice.

The POV's are completely unnecessary and incorrectly used and written.

Sorry for being harsh, but this did not work in any way, shape, or form for me

Lots of stuff going on here but it's not written that well as Jeff pointed out. Maybe the author was strapped for time?

It has its moments of horror especially the end. It just needs more work to get us there.

I really liked the ending - the wet pup put into the microwave for getting dried - that was the highlight of your story in my opinion. Because it's really funny, and because it's something we see in the set up.
Daddy forgot the pup outside and the pup got wet.

There are a lot of other things used in the set up. Like the kid in the camp. And the whole anniversary thing. These had to be played out at the end. Otherwise you have just a slasher here.
And it's easy to right a slasher - you describe some random person, his life, his wants, his plans. Then bam - he gets killed.

It's hard to make a horror script something more than that but some manage.

I think the kid in the camp should pay off somehow. And the "happy anniversary" theme as well. I like the song from Boniem - I love that song. Now it's in my head for the day))

I could write the same review for 99% of these OWC scripts.

They are basically the same old story, extended to an enormous length. You have whole story lines here that are used solely for the purpose of extending the length of the script...few of them pay off in any way, either in terms of story structure or in terms of theme.

Sorry to be so negative. It was a brutally difficult challenge, and it's done for all the scripts I have read.

This is obviously a writer that knows what they are doing... however:

Code DOTTY VANCE (51) - Her curly black hair so bouncy it makes her face look thinner, when really it�s not.

Asides are fine when done well... they definitely don't come under 'done well' when they simply reiterate information that precedes them. Makes her face look thinner, already says that it really isn't that thin. The aside is unnecessary here.

Code DOTTY Be out in a minute. DOTTY (whispering into phone) Gotta go. Bye.

There's a line of action missing. Or perhaps another character's dialogue?

OK... a straightforward slasher. Not too bad. But not good enough either.

The lack of a logline will bite you, but it's a nice lesson for future scripts and OWCs.

So uh, he kills them because they smudged his car? Damn, man, really hope I never meet any of these psychos. There's a lot of setup but not much payoff, the Man really just ruins all flow in the script, too basic, too simple, needs more logic and needs more reasoning. Not for me unfortunately.

Huh.  This one didn't do it for me, I'm afraid.  No logline, for starters.  Then, the story seems to be all over the map. A husband who seemingly forgets his anniversary. And a murderous revenge story due to a parking lot scrape?  It just didn't make any sense to me.  There are several typos (primarily of the its vs. it's kind), but that's an easy fix.  The bigger issue for me was the story.  Stick to one urban legend, and that would be one way to tighten it up...!  :))

There's obviously a decent UK writer behind here somewhere (lines like the description of Dotty's face hint at that.)  But the story itself?  For me, it really doesn't work.  :(

I don't know...I found this one to be very dull, with lots of filler.  I mean, our opening scene spends half a page talking about sending some kid to camp, and it ends up having nothing to do with anything.

The may-or-may-not-be-scratched car provides only the thinnest of motivations, and the final two lines fail to justify all that went before in search of an urban legend.

There are a few nice passages here and there, but it is decent writing in search of a story.  Swing and a miss for me.

Too much fluff in this one.  Setups need payoffs, and payoffs need setups.  That this is an anniversary doesn't make any difference.  Could be just a quiet night at home.  Unless the killer is one of the guests, brought along by someone else.  Putting the dog in the  microwave is simply cruel.  Why kill the dog?  In any case, this would be much scarier if the parking lot man had terrorized them before killign them.  

Best
Richard

I like the Anniversary element of the story but there didn;t seem to be enough setup or foreshadowing of the ending.

Writing perfectly good, but didn't do it for me.

Sorry

There's some interesting stuff here, but some things don't quite work.

The title page is bold. There are a few typos, missing words, on-the-nose/unnatural dialogue, ...

and the proper way to write a phone scene would be:

Quoted Text John (into phone) Hey, Paul! 'Sup, man? PAUL (V.O.) Are you alone? I've got bad news...

Not the best dialogue above, lol, but just to show you how to write phone conversations.

I saw several orphans in action lines. Try to keep it on one line or add one more word to the empty line.

The POV stuff is unnecessary, and usually a no-no in specs.

I found quite a few missing commas that read awkwardly.

The anniversary party is too short and the killer is too random. He just seems to appear out of nowhere/thin air. That said, the ending was a highlight in this otherwise muddy script.

Grading method:
Remember Me For Centuries = A+, A, A-
An elephant never forgets = B+, B, B-
Don't You Forget About Me = C+, C, C-
I Forgot to Remember to Forget = D+, D, D-
I forgot = F

I'm gonna have to go with the Breakfast Club theme, Don't you... forget about me. A solid C+

Pg. 3 “KNOCK KOCK!” Immature typo :)

The comments knocked me for more of a loop than the script did. My take is that there isn’t supposed to be a story here. I took this to be like Fruitvale Station. A simple recounting of this couple’s last day alive told in as unadorned way as possible. It’s meant to feel naturalistic. Common narrative tropes would be disruptive. Life doesn’t have set-ups and payoffs and the appearance of them would detract from the purpose. It’s a character piece, except even making this couple too interesting would defeat the point, because normal people aren’t interesting. Their days are mundane, purposeless and when death comes it’s just as devoid of meaning. Here's a puppy...








That the Man has the most pointless of motivations is the essence of this UL and can only be conveyed in a broader story by emphasizing the narrative-less nature of life.

Other things that surprised me? The writing was easy for me to get through. It’s not perfect. A number of punctuation issues, but I stumbled on far less than most I’ve read. The only flub that actually made me pause was that there was no proper intro for MAN. Maybe there’s a point about keeping him vague, but you need to set him in the scene properly. I thought the couple was likable, which was all they needed to be. The dialogue was good, but “movie” good. It’s not quite as naturalistic as you’d want it to be for what I’m assuming this is.

My only major gripe is the killing, which isn’t as brutal or real as you’d want it. Stabbing someone in the head with a knife is not easy (looking at you Walking Dead) and it cheapened what you had. I’d even consider switching to a blunt instrument like a tire iron and just have the Man beat them to death. Finally, the microwaved dog might be over the top. Cruelness for the sake of cruelness. I think it would be just as oddly disturbing to see the Man throw the dog some scraps from the table before leaving.

So writer, if all this sounds like what you were going for, at least one person got it. Though to be honest, even when you nail this kind of thing, most people still don’t care for it.

There seems to be a fair few dogs turning up in these OWC's. Some of them coming off second best it seems as well.

Story wise, it didn't hold much for me unfortunately. I wasn't expecting the ending, but that's because I was expecting something to happen with the relationship between Dotty and Larry, rather than the nutcase from the car park.

I'm also not too sure what the significance of the times on the watches were. Was that something specific about the urban legend?

Writing wise, it wasn't too bad, but there were typo's and the occasional odd sentence which I had to go over again.

Just wondering: Was Dotty using the toilet while talking to Rita? She claws at toilet paper and "prods" her eyes. Am unfamiliar with prodding one's eye.

This pointless question aside, I don't have any big problems here. Small problems have been mentioned. It's a cut-and-dried telling, Point A to Point B.  I like Eric's take on it (above).

I agree about cutting out the microwave. Again, I like Eric's idea. Have the killer throw the dog some table scraps.

Happy Anniversary

I'm happy to disagree with some others here and say to you I enjoyed it.

I like pace changing flicks and never thought this character study script turns into a slasher. I was sure about the man coming back later but he was quite consequent(positive/interesting change of tone) in his actions ;-) I liked all of the main characters.

There's only one problem for me here; the title. Perhaps your target audience would turn off because they don't see and feel the genre. What I mean: They watch 5 minutes till you eventually enter into your genre completely (psychological mystery/slasher), which is a great twist itself. But then you have to foreshadow what you're treating by the title imo. Since most people don't look into genre descriptions you need the title to make them understand what they are looking, at least, if the tone is drastically changing as here. If you call it Happy Bloody Anniversary (for example) you communicate what I'm "really" looking in the end.

Otherwise. Well done. Cheers to this. Cool shit for me.


@(if you aim for festivals or such screenings this whole title-advice hasn't any worth of course because they won't be able to skip ;-) I most time relate to internet publishing where quick decisions are taken by the viewers)

Happy anniversary

No Logline - I should try that with the quality of mine !

There a lot going on in this one. It dragged at first but soon kept my attention. The anniversary element almost seemed a distraction. The main element was a minor incident in a car park escalates to a fatal killing after a party, a reversal of a sad day to a happy moment.

The kid at camp ? Didn't play a part in the story, really.

I would focus more on the core theme. Perhaps try and thread a theme of randomness

A fairly decent effort IMO. It was a little problematic since most of the ending was fairly predictable from the meeting in the parking lot forward other than the nuking of the dog - which I thought was a nice twist.  

Not sure how the random villain in the parking lot figured out where they lived. Needed some connection of plot points here (e.g., did he follow them home?)

I didn't get the "Daddy Cool" thing - perhaps not common to an American?

Why did you need the kid? – the only reference to him was early and nothing with him later on?

SPOILERS

I found the Anniversary Couple to be unlikeable which made the senselessness of their violent deaths seem all the more repulsive, as if I had failed to protect them, somehow -- made me feel more involved in the story.  I think an audience might react in a similar way and this could be an effectively memorable, disturbing film.  

I think the bit about microwaving the dog (perhaps that's the UL) is misplaced, the owners are already dead and whoever finds their bodies will already be horrified -- the murderer is, essentially, putting the injured puppy out of its misery.  That can't have been his intention, since his knife is still at the ready.  If it's the "bang" inside the microwave that is intended to remind us of the sound of the car door hitting the murderer's car then more emphasis needs to be made, perhaps have the murderer say "bang" in a soft, flat voice, after both instances.

Good job with this.

Unfortunately there are many problems here. The formatting has many issues, the writing is okay but needs work and the story...well...it's just sorta all over the place.

I think it's that you planted some things in your story and they never paid off. And/or they didn't move your story forward. It's like we watched 7 pages of a couple bickering about a forgotten anniversary and the result...on page 8 the husband is killed, the wife is killed and the dog nuked by a whack job they had a brief altercation with in a parking lot. It's not a complete story even. More like what Larry and Dotty did on the day they got killed.

I hate to be so negative. Just keep writing.

No logline – that’s never a good start.

“The curtains are drawn to a close.” This reads like the curtains are actually been closed now but I don’t think that’s the case. Isn’t it amazing how many stories start with sunlight shining through curtains, blinds or boarded up windows.
I think I start half my scripts this way as well – I’m going to try to stop doing this I think. It’s never a great way to start a script.

I think you could cut “sitting up” which adds a pesky orphan but it’s no biggie – just stood out to me.

Oh, Larry forgot their anniversary – this whole set-up with the breakfast reminds me of something – if he buys her a home alarm system then I’ve seen this before.

“KNOCK KOCK!” That’s a hell of a typo.

The deserted car park suddenly has a car – how long did Larry and Dotty stay for? That was one long meal, or maybe they stayed for a few more drinks than expected.

“The other man approaches.” How many men are there? A few niggles in the writing creeping in, but overall it’s lean and easy to follow.

“He gets in his car SLAMMING the door shut.” He’s incensed, yet he’s probably causing more damage to the car by his reaction.

“There’s an overwhelming sereneness radiating off their house. It’s unsettling and silent.” Yeah, okay… I’ll take your word for it.

“fumbles a bit but gets in eventually.” The first hurdle for our characters to overcome – it was a bit of a letdown – Dotty won the day a little easily for my tastes.

“Dotty feels around for a light switch.” How long have they lived there?

“SURPRISE!” Is this for us, or Dotty? Did anybody say this?

What a lovely story – it leaves me with a happy feeling that the old romantic can still pull off a trick or two. Too bad that this story has also been very boring and lacking in anything remotely interesting – this is obviously a personal thing so don’t take it to heart – this just isn’t my thing but maybe the ending can save the day.

Yeah, I know where this is heading…

Brutal ending for the pup for sure. Conflict is so important to stories and that’s what lacks here for me. It’s a sad end, but because we don’t really know the man, it falls flat for me.

Don’t despair though because others are going to like this – you created two likeable characters that meet a brutal death so it works in a way. Even the man’s motivations don’t need to be clear because there’s a message here that any little thing, or person that we counter can be this psycho waiting in the wings to stab us to death – that’s real life I guess.

Unfortunately, this isn’t for me due to lack of conflict – I kinda slept while reading through waiting for something to happen and then they suddenly got murdered and it ended. I just didn’t care by the time it happened, and that’s another thing that maybe went against it as well.

It wasn’t surprising in the least as you know there has to be a twist and it can only be one thing. Again, it’s hard to blame you on such a thing because the challenge perimeters didn’t help you just like it didn’t my own which I think lacks in the surprise department as well. Such a challenge where the stories are well known just makes it that little bit harder – it can be done of course but it’s tough when you only have a week to come up the concept and get it on the page. That’s the beauty of the OWC’s I guess.

Not for me this one, but I think it could do well as I believe others will take to this.

Entire title page is to be plain 12 point courier, title all caps only, please.
FADE IN: is justified/flush left.
Turn off your program's unnecessary “Mores and Continueds” feature.
First OWC, eh?  :)
Ah, you’ve got a fine dramatic story here all wrapped up in seriousness.
Story drags on a bit setting up the key pieces which all come together for the concluding scene. Learning how to jump right in there from the get go and taking the audience for a quality ride is a great skill to acquire. But honestly, there is a good audience for these slow burn stories as well.
Different strokes for different folks.

Writing style:
No red flags. It was a smooth read.

Dialogue:
Sounded like how real people talk. It was ok.

Character:
They felt a bit flat. They acted and reacted as predicted. There was nothing unique or interesting about them.

Story:
The twist didn't have much of an impact on me. I knew he will be back for them. But that scene didn't add any real value to the story. It was there for shock effect that's all. I hate that kinda scenes. And to know that it was the only interesting part in the whole story beside the party surprise, it killed the story for me.

There was no drama,  nor suspense. The interesting part happen so suddenly. The characters had no chance to react. It would have been more interesting if you spend most of the pages with them struggling to survive instead of spending it on the anniversary plot.

Overall:
You can write with a clear voice and with confidence. The story just didn't do it for me.