Death Road by Escobar Gallardo - Short, Horror, Mystery - A year after Andrew and Stacey are involved in a car crash, they unknowingly meet again when Stacey hitches a ride.  - pdf, format 8)

The ending was kind of cute, but it felt a bit sloppy getting there. I guess she didn't die in the original crash, but, with this story, you're saying that she had absolutely no clue who Andrew was. Didn't see his picture on TV (for his death) or hear stories or anything like that? Even an off-handed remark like, "You look kinda familiar" from Stacey would mean a lot. I mean, she would have known what he looked like, but maybe the image fades after a year or so. Either way, there is a lot of conversation in the script that doesn't need to be. Try cutting down on it and you'll be okay.

D+.

I don't really get it.

I'm sure you know what you were trying to get across, but it's unclear and not in a good way, either.

Writing-wise, lots and lots of mistakes.  Lots of awkward lines as well.  Dialogue doesn't work as written, either.  Although just over 6 pages, it feels very padded with lots of unecessary filler.

Bottom line is that this is just rather dull and very forgettable.  No characters were even remotely well developed and because of that, it's impossible to really care about them.  So, as I started out saying, I don't really get it, but I also don't really care, sorry to say.

It's not terrible by any means, but it needs lots fo work.

I was interested by your logline. Good premise to actually meet someone that you nearly killed. I like that idea.

Starting out with Andrew's phone call, we don't learn much from this except he has a wife and wants someone to be awake. Then we get another driver with a phone call. Maybe use something like texting to change it up a bit so it doesn't feel like the scenes were just placed there to set up the wreck.

And I'm confused now because I thought Andrew just got in a wreck. One minute you say Andrew isn't moving in his car after the wreck and the next he's kissing his wife and checking on the baby. ???

Ok so Andrew was a ghost? But why then did he pick up Stacey hitchhiking? I mean it may've been better for him to try to discourage her from getting in or something as to keep from killing her and himself ...like maybe he could change the outcome of the terrible accident.

This story needs work. The dialogue could use some more work. But good job at completing an entry.

This one sort of ran off the road, so to speak. Pretty ragged in places, enough so that it was hard to focus on who was alive and who was dead.

Well, it's a decent enough script, slightly sub-par if I had to be picky. I knew somebody would do the story with the ghost passenger and change it to ghost driver instead, and I know I'm gonna see a few others with the same as well. The thing is, it's obvious straight from the get go you were going to try and sneak the 'new twist' onto the reader, which is bad -- because if I know what's happening before it happens, I'd much rather not read the script at all.

It's a hard one to judge really, since you could argue that if this wasn't an urban legend OWC, I wouldn't know what would happen, but then again, that's rare too. The script needs something more really.

Just read another script based on this Legend.

Some of the writing here was good. The part with Andrew and Stacey in the car together was very natural.

This makes an interesting attempt at changing things up and introducing a revenge element. It was hard to follow, had to go back three times to work out what was happening.

Hard to say how I feel about this one. It wasn't bad, but like so many others....it all just feels like it's been done already.

What IS it with all the UK writers in this OWC??  :P  Just kidding.  It's just that I'm noticing so many phrases and spellings with "ou" in them.  It's fun to pick out the non-Yanks...!  :)

But: onto the script itself.  An interesting twist on the 'ghost lingering on after a bad accident' concept.  But I think the twists were a bit too much.  For instance, having Andrew both in the car that picks up Stacey, and then in the car that hits her head-on.  

I'd also argue that you really need a super showing that time's gone by, after "Andrew" looks in on his infant son.  Because my initial reaction was that this happened only minutes after the crash, which threw me for a loop and just didn't make sense.  :)

The writing's a bit rough, but that's totally understandable for an OWC.  So no negative points there!  :)

Death road

longline seems fine, even if I'm wondering how, but thats what the script is for.

one problem with this challenge is that inevitably we looked up urban legends. This reminds me of the one with the hidden bend with all the crashed cars in the bottom…lets see…

well it wasn't that one, may be inspired by the idea.

i don't mind scripts with a dead person who we think is alive etc but one that was driving and goes - how does that happen

it also comes across a revenge when he's already dead`, yet he's driving the other car. yup, tad lost

but, i like the sense of two victims meeting in other circumstances. something in that

On a positive note, I very much liked the crisp and clear style is the script opened. Maybe it's just my personal preference, but I've read too many scripts where I am somewhat lost by the end of the 2nd page. Here I knew exactly who was doing what.

So, I am right there with you - the guy dies in the car accident and, as a ghost, visits his house - good till there. In went off the wheels for me a little in the closing - (what describe it for spoiler reasons).

A nit:

Quoted Text STACEY I really didn’t know he was going to be here tonight. I’m seriously having second thoughts.

Be “here” – shouldn’t it be – “be there”

Nothing like revenge by ghost.  Although I would rather he kill her in some other fashion.  Another car crash seems overkill.  Still, this one could be good if the reversals were expanded.  Who's dead, who's alive...hmmm

Best
Richard

Code ANDREW Wanna unload on a stranger?

I'm going to have to try that chat up line one day.

Code Stacey stares out her window, in her own little world.

You do a lot of this, so I'm going to point it out... watch for over usage of 'her'. Switch out for 'the' sometimes.

Not a bad story. Little bit of work and I could see this one being filmed.

A simple tale effectively told.

Just wonder if it be better with the leads switched round?

Intriguing premise and the overall story makes sense to me.

I did like how both of them met again after the original incident only for an event to unfold that this guy is driving the SAME road he was when "it" happened.  I believe I know this urban legend, saw it in Supernatural once, I think.  

Enjoyable, confusing for people who don't know the legend, I'm sure.  Nice little tale here.

Yeah a good concept not quite handled to make it shine. Writing is good, all the ingredients are there for a neat little short. Just needs a little caressing and a lotta patience. Story of my life...lol

I'm still not sure how the UL works, but I can see it has something to do with a vanishing driver or hitchhiker. The story here was a tad confusing on first read. I backtracked and can see that Andrew is the ghost and Stacey survives — but is destined to perish. What doesn't work for me so well is that in the end, Stacey acts more like a ghost than Andrew. I guess she was a wreck after getting dumped by her BF.

What if Stacey picks up Andrew? Or is that too much like the original UL??

Okay, how about she crashes into her own vehicle? That she is the "other driver." So in the end, it's a single-car accident and she's the victim?

Well, this OWC isn't all that bad. I like parts of the setup. It needs work, but there is an eeriness that kept me awake.  Smooth out the story line and consider a few different twists. Overall, nice try.

DEATH ROAD

The ending ruined a lot here for me. I thought a road of the cursed is a great subject and enjoyed it. But then I didn't understand why Stacey sees Andrews cross only. If they are dead, as you implied, both their memorials should be at the roadside; hers too; not?

That Andrew suddenly disappeared and she couldn't save herself from the passenger seat, while they are already dead anyway, that scene could have been much better; - like they are captured on the road of death crashing into each other again and again as in an infinite loop, or something like that. I don't see a reason they sit in the same car second time, and also this way both cars are Andrew's now since he picked her up...

That was a big minus. It was really good until that scene. I think you can work that out.

Not a bad effort but having Andrew pick up Stacey then jump to the car she hits was a tad weird.

I liked the ghost in the car scenario though.

This reminds me of an urban legend that goes along the lines of:
Boy drives alone on a lonely road.  He feels a hand on his shoulder so stops to check out back seat.  No one there so carries on.  He goes round the next corner and is con fronted by an accident that just happened.  If he hadn't stopped for a few moments, he would have been involved too.

This of course doesn't have a happy ending lol

Urban Legend : Vanishing Hitchhiker...?

Let me get this right. Both Stacey and Andrew die in the crash on page 2.
We then see Andrew earlier that day as he kisses his g/f goodbye and looks in on his baby (otherwise inferred as 'let's shed a tear for ol' Andrew' !) He picks up Stacey, now the hitch hiker. They talk a bit. He's a ghost, he vanishes, car crashes. She crawls to her death.

Pretty much it, right? I think I got that down. and those first two pages cause a LOT of confusion don't they? After all, Stacey is already dead.  So when she hitches a ride with Andrew, this retcons the first two pages. Andrew being a ghost, vanishes. The phantom car does not and neither does Stacey.

Oh dear heavens. What to do, what to do.
I'd consider revising the second page and have Stacey break down and then stick out her thumb. Andrew's day as a phantom can remain pretty much the same, but re arrange the scene where he looks in on Olivia and his kid without saying a word.

'Cause y'know something...?
I don't get it either.

I really tried but I don't get it. It was eerie, but in the end I just didn't understand. Sorry.

Another opening we’ve seen a million times. Let’s see where this one goes…

“She applies the last layer of lipstick” How many layers do women have?

“She reaches down to retrieve her lipstick, taking her eyes off the road.” Why, just why? She’s finished with the damn lipstick – is that important at this moment to retrieve it? Couldn’t she have just waited? Don’t get me wrong, I understand why you’ve done it, but surely it could have been the phone or something. A road accident is pending…
And there it is!

Was the time element important?

Great, very entertaining – watching two peeps sleep. What’s happening? Is Andrew still alive?

Country music being played while driving on a country road – at least they stick to the local stations.

“I’ll get you home.” How does he know she’s going home? She could be going to another party.

“Andrew drives.”  I think you can calm down on this one now. I think we’ve been literally told very time the scene is set in the car that they’re driving. I get that – concentrate on other things.

“His eyes don’t leave the road ahead of him.” A nice line, sort of goes against what she was doing in the beginning so I can appreciate this and what you’re trying to do… if that is indeed the case.

What’s up with Stacey?! The poor bloke only asked if she wanted the radio on, or if she liked a station.

“Andrew begins to tap on his steering wheel.” Here’s a tip – cut (begins to) and look out for it in any script you write. For example, here – Andrew taps the steering wheel.

Stacey’s a bitch – I would be throwing her out right now!

No buses or trains go to Greendale then? She was hitchhiking so I guess not.

Some lean writing, but amazingly, it’s also very repetitive at times. Watch out for that.

“The two cars collide, head first” You really don’t need to have head first as that’s understood from before.

Stacey survived – lucky she kept that seat belt on. Actually, sorry, she’s dying and I thought this was going to be a win for road safety.

So Andrew as a ghost. So he’s allowed to stroll around the world randomly and interact with people, killing them. Why didn’t this happen at night around the same time as the original accident? I take it this happened during the day because the last time I saw, it was 6.00 am. Everything after that was moments later etc so it was hard to know how much time passed.

Not much to say on this – found it a tedious read to be honest and didn’t really get it. Andrew’s ghost comes back and kills Stacey but there isn’t much irony to it if that makes sense – he kills her the same way he dies. Now if Andrew had dropped something while driving Stacey and taken his eyes off the road and this led to her death then that’s something I can see as this drives home the point to her.

At the same time, if Stacey is alive then wouldn’t she recognize him? She killed this poor fella but doesn’t know what he looks like – in fact, she doesn’t seem all that cut up about it – more the breaking up with the boyfriend. This has potential but needs some work to fulfill it.

Was okay. The potential is there given a rewrite or two. After the first crash Andrew gets home to see his wife and child I was so confused here. Make it clearer that he's a ghost. I actually thought this was gonna turn into a situation where his wife would wake up, and hear him talking to the child via the baby monitor, then have some kinda reveal that he died in the car accident. That would have been very creepy. Nonetheless you went the way you did, which was perfectly okay, but I think Andrew driving both cars at the end was overkill.

Okay. Could be better.

Story seemed pretty basic but was easy to follow and worked for what it was. No points for originality but that's understandable in this owc.

Meh…
A sturdy submission.
All bases covered.
I was kinda hoping to see more of the mashup between the ghost girl on the roadside with the ghost dad at home, but the weight of the story defaulted into just the ghost hitchhiker aspect.

Writing style:
Good.

Dialogue:
Good.

Character:
Not much depth to them.

Story:
I didn't understand the end. If he died, who was driving the car? If there was no car, how the second crash happened?
The story got no conflict. Just twists and reveals but no drama. I didn't care for the characters. I didn't know what they were after. So when things happened to them, it had no impact on me.

Overall:
You can tell story in an easy clear way, but you need to put all the needed elements in or most of them for the story to work, otherwise, the reader will feel detached from the events.