Pushed by Allen McQuerin III - Short, Drama - Jealous over a new girl's popularity, a group of students harass her unaware of the repercussions over the prank that spirals out of control. - pdf, format 8)

The story was well written, but it dragged for me in the middle, quite severely.

The weaving in of the chain letter was very awkward.


There's some potential here, particularly the character of Daniel, but nothing here really felt new, or powerful enough to really make the grade.

I like the title and logline here.

I guess you have to have a lot of characters with this piece but it's hard remembering them all for me and by page 3  you have intro'd at least 4 or 5 already.

Page 3  Cameron’s glasses ...think supposed to be Carmon's

I am not sure if Montage Intercut is the right way to handle those conversations. Were you trying to save space? I think having the girls confronted would have been better...more tension. And this part goes on way too long for me. It pulls me out of the read TBH.

I dig the bully thing, but for me it seems unreal it would play out like this.

OK I love the thought of a chain letter causing death. I think that would have been the concept to focus on here instead of the bullying. That is just my opinion.

I think this one needs work but it's definitely worth it! Good job completing an OWC.

As I go...

Interesting...or maybe strange, how many scripts have the writer's name on the title page.  I'm not familiar with any of these peeps, so maybe they're fake names?  But why so many doing this?  Weird...

So, we start off with a SUPER telling us it's 15 years ago.  I did a quick search and see no other SUPERs, so this SUPER makes no sense if the entire story plays out 15 years ago.  Does that make sense?  If you don't have any exact dates/years, and you don't alter the time period, it's meaningless.

Opening Slug doesn't have a time element.  We're not off to a good start here at all.  So far, everything is incorrect.

How would anyone know that the damage to the drain grate is from a school prank?

"tip over the jar" - "tip the jar over" - as written, this is a perfect example of awkward phrasing.

"pulls out a few pins out of the grasshopper" - again, a perfect example of poor, awkward writing.  If you want to be taken seriously, these kinds of errors are unacceptable.  I'm about to bail, but I'm trying my best to stay with this.

Page 2 - "Rushes back. Puts the jar up. Closes the cabinet." - Who does these things?  Why is there no subject?  This passage stands alone, and you have 3 undistinguishable characters.  You have to write clearly and visually, or your readers will be clueless...or just lose interest, like I am.

And here's where and why I'm out...

"CARMEN, a petite 17 year old girl with wire frame glasses, spins her locker combination. In spite of her height and bookworm look, she could beat half of the other girls in any cheer leading tryout."

What's so wrong with this intro, you ask?  Well, let's see.

You intro'd 3 other characters earlier - 2 of which you said were "teen girls", while you didn't even bother with an age of any kind for the 3rd.  Now, we meet Carmen, and you tell us she's 17, and then for some completely unknown reason, you add a redonkulous unfilmable aside at the end, while not realizing "cheerleading" is a single word.

Unacceptable and I can't go any further. Sorry to be harsh.

Not entirely sure what to say here, a little simple for my tastes, but it's exactly what you'd expect I suppose. The thing is, we've seen the 'girl gets bullied, dies, then the bullies get what's coming to them' countless number of times. It's too much of a simple concept and you didn't really try anything new, that's pretty much the problem here, that it's lacking anything to push it to the next level.

You should mention if the first scene is DAY or NIGHT.

Is it important that we know it's from a past school prank? If so, then exactly what kind of damage is there to the drain?

Page 2.   Your description of Carmen. Skip the part where you write that she could beat the other girls at a cheer leading tryout. We can't see that here. If that's important, then let Carmen show us that.

Yuck! This is why I hate Orange Is The New Black.

Page 3.    Ditto the description for the principal.

Overall, I liked this one. Well written and easy to read. A bit predictable. I would trim the descriptions of Carmen and the principal since neither the cheer leading stuff nor the baton part ever played any part of the script. You could also make Carmen's accident a little more clear. I wasn't entirely sure what happened to her. The ending needs a little work IMHO. Why was David punished? Didn't seem to me he did anything bad. I wanted the "mean" girls to get more of a punishment than they got.

Good work!  :)

I totally loved the setup for this.  But the death and follow-through.... didn't work for me.

Granted, the bully theme isn't new, but it was working very, very well.  I liked Carmen, the other girls worked well as bad guys...

Then, when Carmen fell (or was pushed?), it all fell apart for me, so to speak.  Most of me was expecting it to be revealed as a trick by Carmen to get them back.  But that didn't materialize.  Instead, the story just sort of petered out.  Really, I like alot of the foundation here... but I'd love to see the last third reworked.  Something cheekier, nastier.  Something that really brings it around full circle. Which is just a matter of doing a rewrite.

PS: I agree with Pia. Why the heck was David punished?  He was consistently nice to her....

Liked the title and the log line. The story dragged a bit for me and I thought that there were several places where it could have been shortened. Now some nits:

Quoted Text Orange cones and caution tape surround a gutter drain, the grate damaged from some past school prank.

Not sure how a grate damaged from a high school prank looks any different than a damaged grate.

Quoted Text Two teen girls, RHONDA and ALISON, scuffle in

I think the age needs to be more specific – 13 is a long way away from 18.

Quoted Text And stuffs them in the Ziploc.

Typo – should be stuff.

Quoted Text CARMEN, a petite 17 year old girl with wire frame glasses, spins her locker combination. In spite of her height and bookworm look, she could beat half of the other girls in any cheer leading tryout.

I never know what to do with character descriptions like this. What does she could beat the girls in a high school cheer leading try out actually mean in terms of character description?

Quoted Text Carmen, teary eyed and pale, looks into the eyes of the PRINCIPAL (mid 40s) a heavy set man who doesn’t carry a big bat for enforcement, but it wouldn’t be a shocker if he had one somewhere close by.

Same issue for me. Doesn’t have a bat – but not a shocker if he has one close by – meaning?

Montage/Intercut – not sure that is the correct format for that.  I did get a bit lost in it.

Pg. 1 -  "the grate damaged from some past school prank." -- weird description. How are we supposed to know that it was damaged in a school prank just by looking at it?

As I read, you take a few more liberties like the one above, especially in character description. That's the one place it's okay, but the way you do it, like telling us Carmen could beat the other girls at a Cheerleading tryout...that crosses the line into something we wouldn't imagine by looking at her.

I think there's a decent story in here but IMO it's very overwritten in parts and really dragged for like 5 to 7 pages which really slowed it down. Your story ends up buried.

Also, that intercut in the principal's office isn't formatted correctly. It should be a montage or just separate scenes. Intercut is for like a phone call that is all happening at the exact same time but different locations. If he's speaking to each girl individually, those are all different times.

A decent effort for this OWC. Just work on leaning it out.

I really liked the premise here and I see a lot of potential in this. It was an interesting story and it kept me up.

I think you have extra scenes and lines of dialog you could get rid of. Like the girls already have her cornered at the beginning. Yet they again talk about her and discuss what to write on her cheerleading form. That didn't go anywhere by the way - I don't even know if they wrote it - I'd suggest you get rid of that part.

I think you could just have two bullies in this, you have four - no need for all of them. Have three and one should be the leader perhaps.

Carmen  - I don't see much of her in this. So it makes me wonder if it's her story at all. On one hand it looks like she revenged them somehow, on the other you left it open. Leaving it open is good, but may be you could make us think it's all part of Carmen's plan - the chain letter and all. I mean I did think that, but not sure others did. I think it would read better if you did.

I liked Rhonda at the end. You have a lot of Jessica thoughout. Maybe it should be Jessica then at the end - just to stick to the ones we see most.

This seemed pretty good for awhile, but --

The logline says Carmen is popular. Plus, she's a cheerleader. Where are all her friends? Does no one have her back while this stuff is going on?

You had my attention with the interrogation by the principal (though when I read BACK TO SCENE I had  to go back to see whether I was in a flashback or something). Questions, denials. All rang true.

During the fire drill, nobody saw what happened? Seems unlikely.

Things got very muddled toward the end.

First thing I'm noticing from page 1 is that it is overwritten. Which is probably why I also feel there is a lack of flow.

Code Orange cones and caution tape surround a gutter drain, the grate damaged from some past school prank.

The second part of the sentence is a tell that cannot be filmed. A rewrite like this will help speed up the read:

Code Orange cones and caution tape surround a damaged drain.

I know other people are fine with it... but overly written scripts bug the hell out of me because I find myself editing as I read.

This is the hardest thing about screenplay writing. We, as writers, try to strip out all of the fluff and in doing so go through a stage like this, a hybrid, something in between.

The lack of ages is annoying. At one point, due to their actions hiding in the classroom, I had them down as pretty young. Now, with the sexual part added, I've gone right to the other end of the scale.

Pages 4-5, this is really dragging. I'm not feeling the dialogue. Undoubtedly this is because it's going on too long.

I'm out at page 8. I'll try and come back to it, but it's taking so long to read through. More brevity and getting time to edit this story will help a lot. There's a lot that can be cut.

There's a few typo's and errors in this that should be tidied up, e.g. pg 9 Principal says 'you four' but there's only three girls he's speaking to.

Asides can be funny and add colour to a script if used sparingly and if they make sense in context of the preceeding action...
a heavy set man who doesn’t carry a big bat for enforcement, but it wouldn’t be a shocker if he had one somewhere close by.
sorry that doesn;t cut it.

In terms of the story, there's a decent build up, to the point when Carmen foes into the drain... I think it lost momentum from her, though I did like the chain letter element.

Nice effort

Well, I thought this was pretty good for a OWC but I think for your rewrite you should concentrate on trimming whatever doesn't move the story forward.
I also got a little confused by the end. I thought the girl had just hid herself behind other students.
It's always fun to write though, and maybe getting comments will help with the rewrite.
Cindy

Pushed

Quite like the title and LOGLINE, although could be cheesy. Let's see...

First page - three characters, different actions, motivations - you have to be clear. I feel this could be better. Overlapping different character and there actions in single paragraphs doesn't help . Mind you it's an OWC

Like the locker scene

Mayo. Tuna. Grasshoppers. - like ...errr.. Not to eat

Wow, this got weaved and convoluted. Actually liked that, but I wasn't sure what happened at the end, but then isn't that the view, the confusion, the unknown,the what could be. Legands and the truth don't always mix.

I would agree that the David part lost me.

Focus on the girls etc

Has potential

Damn it! I wrote an entire review and then the page crashed so I lost it all.  SO--- here's my shorthand review. Needs tightening, a bit too long, the email thing was a bit confusing.

An issue for me is the cones and tape around the drain didn't prevent her from jumping in the hole?  And who commits suicide that way?  Doesn't seem like a certainty it would do the trick.  Most drainage pipes only drop 5-6 feet below street level.

The MONTAGE INTERCUT and BACK TO SCENE don't work here because you don't identify the different scenes of the montage. Intercuts are really more for things like telephone conversations.

Started slowly for me, picked up steam at the end, but still could use with some trimming. Overall, a pretty decent effort.

Gary

Writing style:
It was good in most parts. I got few remarks:

You didn't mention the age. It was a bit confusing not to know.

Quoted Text "she could beat half of the other girls in any cheer leading tryout."

Didn't help me visualize Carmen

Quoted Text "doesn’t carry a big bat for enforcement, but it wouldn’t be a shocker if he had one somewhere close by."

Too wordy . Could have been expressed in fewer words.

Dialogue:
There was some exposition, like:

Quoted Text She thinks just because she’s new and Daddy has a good job, she thinks she’s better than the rest of us.

The characters weren't given their distinct voice. They all sounded the same to me.

Character:
The three bullies felt like three copies of the same character. Carmen was too passive I barely felt her presence in the scenes.

Story:
It was good. It had the needed atmosphere. I didn't understand the point of "15 years ago." I would complain about not taking the hammer of abuse hard enough in the toilet scene. The build up to that scene sort of fizzled when you ended it with Jessica not so-threatening line.

You didn't show the real toll of abuse on Carmen. I felt sorry for her, but not enough to care. You haven't also showed her good side, another reason why I didn't care. Carmen could be an unlikable girl herself for all I know. For the abuse of a character to attract maximum sympathy from the reader, you have to show that she deserves good things to happen to her. So when she gets abused, we root for her.

The ending gave me the "WHAT? You kidding me?" reaction. I never thought you would end such an interesting story on such low note. It didn't do the story its justice.

Overall:
You writing skills are admirable. Go easy with prolonged descriptions. Give more depth to your character and make them distinct from each other. Make the ending live up to the setup.

Is it day or night in the opening?

Oh, it’s day – strange not to have this in the exterior scene.

I think you could split your action up more – there is a lot happening which makes the read a little jarring. Yeah, the opening is a little awkward – it could be clearer as I’ve had to re-read sections.

I can tell that the writing is going to annoy me – I’m sorry but it’s hard to get through.

Wow, these girls are really spiteful – the good news is that it’s been mostly dialogue which taken away some of the concerns in the writing and made for a quick read. Is it being overblown with the girls, and how far they’re taking it?

Hard to keep track of characters here, and by the end I was a little disappointed. The mystery actually stays unsolved as well. I’m guessing she was pushed as that’s the last line and title, but she could have just been clumsy. It feels like the back end of this where the characters struggle with the guilt should have been the focus of the story but unfortunately it’s rammed into a couple of pages and the story as a whole struggles.

I have to ask why the opening slug states that it’s 15 years ago – this makes the reader think we’ll come back to present – well I did. Couldn’t you’ve of just said the year. I’m guessing there is a reason behind this decision, possibly when the urban legend started? It should also focus on particular character as at the moment, it’s all over the place and nobody stands out.

I do like the fact this was a quick read, but that was because it was mostly dialogue – I think you struggled with the action in this, possibly finishing close to deadline which gave you no room to go over it.  It was awkward and confusing at times which lead me to re-read a lot of lines. Needs some work in the writing and story for me.

This one finished in a very open-ended fashion. Not really against that, I kind of like it actually, but I’m not sure it’s earned. Some threads seem hinted at, but I can’t figure out what the hint is. Was it suggested that Carmen may have been poisoned with formaldehyde? Then a message says “HER FACE RIPPED OFF”. Huh? Was it?

In order for this to work we need to feel the weight of the unanswered questions. What does it mean for those left behind? How does it go on to affect them? We get that the most in David, but he was barely a character during the setup. Story-wise this needs to be fleshed out. Spend more time developing the characters who aren’t Carmen and paying off their roles in whatever happened. To that effect you could also spend less time on Carmen. Her character and situation come through so easily that if the end of the film revolves around her tormentors, we don’t need to spend nearly as much time with her.

Not there yet, but it's something to work with.

PUSHED

I wasn't sure about the ending and got confused by all the dialogue, especially with regards to the amount of characters.

My interpretation is that because of the chain letter some students were incited to push her. But then, on the other side, there's David who says Carmen falls herself.

I didn't understand why David joins your story as late anyway, and also I didn't truly understand his position.

I really want to know, since I liked several other aspects here like social conflicts and "inside school psychology" and stuff. I guess I leave it to the writer to clear something up later or maybe reading the others' comments makes me understand.

If it was a suicide originally, that would be crazy... She orchestrates the fire alarm and throws herself in there only to make all the bullies go insane and having Troubles with police and school in the end -- That's what I'd call making a sacrifice ;-)

Entire title page is to be plain 12 point courier, title all caps only, please.
A glib, mirthless “That just happened” kinduva story.
Eleven and a half pages of teen girl drama. Goodness.
Truth is the story, while lacking humor, gore, or excitement, is nonetheless still well written.
You nailed the culture. IMHO you just need to introduce some excitement, at a minimum. Asking people to fabricate humor is absurd, but surely you can fabricate something that gets adrenaline going.

DJ:   :)

Urban Legend: Carmen Winstead

Quoted Text ... to recreate an urban legend in any way you see fit. This could be any urban legend in the world, no matter how ridiculous or impossible. Please note that you are not creating a new urban legend, rather you're putting your own unique spin on an existing one.

What I considered: Albino sewer alligator, swimming cramps after eating and the one I was tempted to write about the urban legend regarding the teen pregnant with a baby octopus story. Hey---some lass giving birth to ol' Cthulhu? Priceless!

But I ran into Carmen Winstead.

It goes a little something like this

Quoted Text About 6 years ago in Indiana, Carmen Winstead was pushed down a sewer opening by 5 girls in her school, trying to embarrass her in front of her school during a fire drill. When she didn't submerge the police were called. They went down and brought up 17 year old Carmen Winstead's body, the neck broke hitting the ladder, then side concrete at the bottom. The girls told everyone she fell... They believed them. FACT: 2 months ago, 16 year old David Gregory read this post and didn't repost it. When he went to take a shower he heard laughter from his shower, he started freaking out and ran to his computer to repost it, He said goodnight to his mom and went to sleep, 5 hours later his mom woke up in the middle of the night cause of a loud noise, David was gone, that morning a few hours later the police found him in the sewer, his neck broke and his face skin peeled off. If you don't repost this saying "She was pushed" or "They Pushed her down a sewer" Then Carmen will get you, either from a sewer, the toilet, the shower, or when you go to sleep you'll wake up in the sewer, in the dark, then Carmen will come and kill you.

There are some variations, such as "Jessica Smith" instead of Carmen Winstead.
Also, some small details are added to the legend, such as Carmen reporting or about to "snitch" on her bullies shortly before the drill. Her punishment for snitching, it seems, was on her way down, her face hit the ladder and her face was torn off, she broke her neck and she "was covered in (the) poop"

I thought about ghost Carmen dragging one of her victims to meet some doom in the sewers, with an albino alligator---

Maybe i should have stuck with Octopi birthing...

I didn't want to retread the same water I did in other things I had, such as Mallory's Friend but then a thought came. What if I deconstructed the legend itself, made some interpretation of it?

What appealed to me was that the legend had a story arc to go with it.
What led up to the death of Carmen.
The event of her grisly (and dehumanizing) death.
Vengeance from the grave!

But again, I want to try different things. So I downplayed the supernatural/ghost revenge theme. Doing this actually helped the story- as a teen (or some teens) actually witnessing the death a classmate, liked or not- would be traumatizing in and of itself. Additional guilt of not seeing warning signs, taking things lightly or simply being mean to that person before they have the accident or suicide also comes into play.

The pranks mentioned in some variations) in the UL dealt with sticking dog shit in Carmen's coat pocket. Another suggested used toilet paper hanging in her locker. There was a big emphasis on Carmen always being around feces. Her face gets ripped up/torn off. It never said what job her father took. One thing it was always said is that she was 'the new girl' and didn't fit in. It was never hinted what made her a social outcast. Her new 'friends' - the five girls - turned on her.

After brainstorming, I was halfway into writing the script and I said to myself maybe I should have stuck with Baby Cthulhu or Albino Alligator. But as I read the tale of Winstead once more, I kept getting back to the dehumanization of this character in the UL. Then it was staring at me in the face. Carmen Winst (D)EAD.
If I were to re-imagine and deconstruct this, then "Carmen" would still be new in school, but her "new" friends would be jealous of her do to her sudden rise in popularity. She doesn't fit in with "their" click. And she has eyes for one of the cutest, if not the, most popular guy in the school. And he has some attention to her because she's not bad on the eyes herself.

The times may change but the song remains the same.
No kid likes getting called out to the Principal's office, jam their day up.
Nobody likes ratting out on friends.
Pranks are disgusting and mean spirited.
Adults don't always buy the BS, but some kids think they do.

That said, I chose to stay away from the feces, I thought it was too over the top and over the top is what I was trying to avoid, even though some kid bullying/revenge pranks are sometimes Over The Top to the point where it is too easy to see that it is just that.

I wanted to find a balance.
So I invented plausible, over the top and over the edge bully pranks, disgusting and demoralizing that pushed the possible boundary.


more later

but i would like to thank folks for the great feedback, pro and con.
and Ray--now you know why I liked your feedback the most, as it was intent to stay away from the horror aspects of the story and focus more on "grounding" the tale.

Nah, yeah. You did good.
You absolutely nailed the teen drama schtick.

SCORE!  :D