Teeth by Bill Sarre (Reef Dreamer) (writing as: Hank Scorpio) - Short, Drama - Tormented by violent noises in his head, a wounded soldier must persuade the doctors that it's caused by his teeth, before they diagnose him as insane. - pdf, format 8)

Very nice opening.


Went on a bit too long for my liking. It's really just a "is he mad, is he not?" story and it was a bit of a grind to get there.


I was a little lost by the end.

Not the way you want to jump out of the gate, IMO.  This is dense, and very, VERY little happens on the entire first page.

The amount of ellipses and CAPPED words is grating and does not invite me to want to go much further.  The ecessive descriptions don't help and I'm out much earlier than I should be, as the writer may be good and this may be a good story, but the actual writing here is trying way too hard and it's irriating for me...so...I'm...OUT.

Sorry.

Nicely done - I think it could have been shortened a bit. Solid effort.

Just finished watching Citizenfour - great doco on Edward Snowdon so this was right up my alley re mood. And I think you did pretty well here - intelligent choice.

I can't find the exact urban legend you're referencing - there are a few out there, but I got the gist.

The opening with the static etc. could be done a little better imh but the inherent meaning and vibe comes across.

Once we get to military man and dog I'm on board, and onto the dentist's office - your guy in the chair - at this point I'm solidly engaged. While we're on that topic it would be a nice idea to put a prelap in this scene with the dentist's drill as you appear to have done on page 11 - would be a good visual/audio - (pretty much everyone hates that sound) and it could be a nifty top n tail.

Code Yellow - patient alert. I'd leave off the 'probably nothing' line - kinda defeats the drama.

Despite his dislike, Hugo ignores Jessica. I'd say 'because of that' he ignores her.

Character name: SHRINK - hmm. Kinda detracts.
I'd call him what he is DR. or give him a name 'Shrink' is a bit lazy and because it's slang for psychiatrist I don't think it belongs as a character name.

Those afflicted by such things are more fragile.

Doesn't sound very worldly or professional that dialogue for a SHRINK - at least call it something scientific - symptoms or maladies would even be a step up on 'things'.

Very nice visual with the 'bug' falling out and it being stepped on.

COMMON ERRORS
it's flag (its)
teams graves (missing apostrophe)
- kinda stuck out at me. It's common to do this if you're in a rush to meet the OWC deadline.

Does the dog react like he does because of his superior hearing? I expect so. I'm not entirely sure what information Hugo has and the main problem is I think Hugo's superiors are still in the dark about that as well. Plot wise because of that I think this misses the mark a little and your story's not entirely clear to me, but I enjoyed the surveillance aspect of the story and the military bigbrother type of eavesdropping/mental torture for the 'greater good' scenario. Poor ol' Hugo.

Overall I quite liked this.

Had to reread the first page a few times to understand, needs to be rewritten to make it clearer.

I actually remember hearing the teeth story a few years back, didn't know it was actually an urban legend. I think we see a parody of it in a Futurama episode in one of the older seasons.

Ending is a bit confusing. So it's a setup? Hard to take in really. I liked the writing and the pace, definitely one of the better entries but it just became heavier and heavier the further I continued. Nice effort, I may or may not get back to this one.

Code Behind him lies an immaculate graveyard with a field of pure white grave stones. Within the cemetery, proud flags flutter from defiant poles.

Immaculate/pure. Graveyard/cemetery. Defiant poles?

You should consider rewriting the above.

I read through it and actually quite like the idea. With some work this could make a great story about paranoia.

Nice flow through most of it. I think I may give this one a consider. It just needs some work to make it great.

It's a good idea. It's goes on far too long for my tastes.  Could probably be trimmed by 2-3 pages and that would help this a great deal.  I think some of the dialogue was pretty on the nose, particularly by the medical professionals.

Hugo seems like an interesting character,  and I liked the twists at the end. Just when you think he's in the clear...

Which leads to my final point. You allude quite a bit to a mission where several of his teammates are killed, but you don't get into the details of why the government is trying to either drive him crazy or keep him suppressed or crazy.  I think just bit more detail there would help.

Otherwise, good effort here.

Gary

Yes!! One of my top five!!  (At least, so far.)  

I'm not sure what urban legend this is based on, but it's a smooth flowing, well written story with interesting twists and characters I actually care about.  I think you *could* trim the "it's not in my head" comments from Hugo down a bit - it's slightly repetitive.  But all in all, this is wonderfully written.  One I'd be happy to read... with or without the OWC.

It started pretty strong. The mystery drew me in. I think you can condense some of these scenes or characters. Right now Hugo exposes to a few different ‘doctor’ type people and gets restrained twice within two pages.

Once it was over, I found I wanted more. I suppose we know that it isn’t just in Hugo’s head, but that’s pretty much the extent of it. Nothing much changed for Hugo. He was pretty sure he was being bugged, and he was right. Maybe develop the “I think I’m all better” beat more. Make him work for it. What was that mission? Does it haunt him? If you had him dealing with that personal issue before hitting the “all better” beat, I think the ending would’ve had more weight.

But all in all, pretty good for a week's work.

Not sure if this strictly an urban legend, but I've definitely heard of people picking up the radio on fillings... so I liked the premise for this...

The conspiracy angle works for me too, but it just felt a little long winded to ge there.

Decent effort

Serious narrative.
The description is riveting. Could picture all of it onscreen.
Lots of bad guys ganging up on poor Hugo.
Well done. :)

This is a good one. I think a lot of the dialogue could be cut down a little and also perhaps more scenes of him hearing these 'voices'
Written really well though. Enjoyed it.

The air of mystery/conspiracy coupled with dental procedure gives this an unconventional flavor. Sort of like "Greed" plus "The Manchurian Candidate."

No, all the questions aren't answered, but we get enough "static" throughout to appreciate this story.

Yes, it will benefit from a second or third draft, but isn't that the case with any script written in a week?

Henry

I did like this one but I think it needs some work, mostly with the dialog. For me, the dialog came off really forced and overly dramatic. In some places it reminded me of an over-acted daytime drama. Because of that I didn't really like any of the characters. But I think I would connect more if they sounded natural and had their own voices.

The writing itself I found to be a bit over the top in places also. Way to many ellipses. Like the dialog, the writing felt forced. But this could all be due to the one week time constraint. I feel this story needs to breathe.

Good work though. A good effort for this OWC.

Interesting spin on the teeth fillings picking up radio signals myth.  Opening page needs more clarity, as does much of the script.  Seemed to be a couple characters too many for this short.  I think only the dentist, Hugo and Shrink were necessary.  Jessica felt superfluous.  

I wanted more conflict between Hugo and the Shrink.  I never felt we got to the heart of why they implanted the device in Hugo.  What was it about him that the gov't wanted?  A lot of questions were raised, but it appears the writer ran out of time to give the answers.  

Using words like urgency, panic and violent is a good way to start any script – it can’t help but pull you in but I will admit that I didn’t follow the opening. It left me confused but that’s not hard to do. The good news is that the writing is good so I’m confident to give this story the time it probably deserves.

Nice transition into the military building, the writer knows their stuff and doesn’t let the story get bogged down.

Oh no, some little things are bothering me in the writing now, and there is the customary typo – most of the writing stuff could be preference. Why was the Dentist still in V.O when in the office?

Is the Dentist a psychiatrist as well? I don’t think it’s his place to think someone’s crazy or if he does, he has to inform the authorities of his idea after Hugo leaves – why the big rush?

metal filings? Fillings – easy fix.

“Come on, let's grab a coffee.” Doesn’t he have other patients?

Good, John the dentist is a smart person after all – now it’s time to get back to the long list of patients waiting for him.

Not a bad story but it needs work – the damn government will do anything to cover up their secrets but that’s probably part of the problem here. We only have half a story – the actual cover up, what happened to Hugo and his team seems rather important for the character to flourish. At this moment, it’s just a bleak tale of a man being locked up for some unknown reason. The conclusion is cruel but also really unsatisfying. What I'm getting at is there are lots of unanswered questions and that's kinda frustrating.

If you could have given us some conclusion with the cover up then this would have been a really good story – I think too much time is wasted on the Dentist at the beginning. Not bad for a week’s work though.

Writing style:
Very clear. Well done. A few remarks.

Quoted Text rugged ex-special forces

Wasn't visual to me. I don't know what a rugged ex-special forces looks like.

Quoted Text Jessica drops her phone on the floor -- a sign.

Don't feed the reader with a spoon. Let him eat.

Quoted Text the forlorn look of someone who's given up.

Too wordy. Keep it short and to the point always.
when you said

Quoted Text devoid of life

I thought he was dead.

Dialogue:
Nothing on the nose. I felt the distinction in each character void. All of the line were just good, which is a bad thing. I wanted some lines to be memorable, emotional, witty. I didn't get any.

Character:
I felt sorry for Hugo, but like the rest of the characters, there was no depth to him. I wish you showed us other sides of his personality. Like how sad he felt for losing his friends. If he had dreams. If he had a girl he loved. All there was to Hugo is his teeth problem, which isn't much.

Story:
The mystery and the thrill was there. But there was no stakes whatsoever. There was no imposing threat from the voices. Even keeping him locked didn't seem much of a danger to me. Stakes are always good. They give the story weight.

Hugo only reacted. He never acted, except for asking the dentist to remove his teeth. Main character passiveness sometimes work in stories, but certainly not in this one. I wished Hugo did something to uncover the mystery. I would have had him tie the dentist to chair and torture the truth out of him.

The big reveal in the end, when John was on the phone. Wasn't a big reveal to me at all. It didn't deserve to be the ending. I already knew they did it the moment John checked Hugo file. What I wanted is Hugo sensing their guilt and breaking out to find out what they really did to him and why.

Overall:
You, sir, can write. There is no denying. Your storytelling skills is promising. You had a great story going on, but the train of thrill and intrigue derailed mid way when John decided to accept his fate too early in the script.

TEETH

"STATIC screams into Hugo's head. He cries out in pain, grabs
his head and runs for the--

ENTRANCE
--and throws himself out."

A tension building moment that ends up with a very funny image.

I think the script's far too long for what it stands for now without saying that a mystery like that isn't worth the story; the location was great and all that. It's just- they talk a lot of the same stuff over and over again. Maybe there's a subplot missing where you go more into detail about the things the military people actually want to know from Hugo. It's a bit dry at the moment: I hear noises – no you're sick. I hear noises – no you're sick.


One last thing: You establish that noise-thing (bug) right from the start OVER BLACK. The way you did it, it's not understandable, I fear. For me, it was as if you're editing there and are giving us a flashback or foreshadow or sth. While I think you delivered that part "cool", it just doesn't work here imo because we cannot grab the logic and then it makes no deal. If you could do it with the opening credits running, maybe that would work much better because we don't see the "SHOT" that important.

Decent entry; lots of effort; dialogue is overwritten; some more subplot maybe; even cut a few scenes.

It had a bit of Shutter Island flair, one of my favorite movies. I liked a lot of Teeth but some things I brought to the table must change to thrill me.  

I'm not sure I understood the motivations for doing this to Hugo, probably need to give it another read. It dragged on a bit in places but overall it's a good idea that's well executed. One of my favourites so far.

Entire title page is to be plain 12 point courier, title all caps only, please.
First OWC, eh?  :)
Ah, you’ve got a dandy conspiracy story here all wrapped up in seriousness.
I can see that this was fun to create and write, even try out a few techniques.
But it’d be dreadfully boring to watch a ten/twelve minute short film about a paranoid PTSD soldier debating on whether he is or isn’t crazy.
Too much faux-drama for my tastes.

Hi Folks, thanks for the reads and feedback.

I hereby promise not to offend future readers with the rash use of unconventional Fonts and the use of unnecessary CAPS   :'( :'( :'(   How could I? I jest.

Story wise, despite being a bit of a rushed job i rather liked this one compared to other OWC entries. It felt like there was a sinister tone, a mystery to resolve, yet with a nice twist.

But it needs work to pull it off and i appreciate the feedback given.

I may make this more contained to reduce production costs, see where that goes.

Thanks Don for the challenge.

cheers all

It's definitely got potential.

I agree with those that said it would be nice to know the why...what the Government (or any other body should you change it) were up to.

I know you laughed at Prussian Moby's idea that you need a further sub-plot, but I can see where he's coming from. At the moment the story swings between two poles...he's either sick, or he's not. We don't learn much new.

Rick

Hmm, interesting story. Don't know what it's based on - would be curious to see. I can't discern an Urban Tale from this for some reason.
It reminded me of Bourne, but I have too many questions with this one.
THe good thing is - it kept me on my toes up until the middle. Then it became too cryptic and partly repetitve - that's what you have to work on in the rewrite I guess. Make it clearer and trim a bit.
I wonder if the last two scenes happened in the past. Why did doctor changed all of the sudden. What do they want from him? Why the implant? What's the plan here?
So, if you have it in your head, it's an easy rewrite I guess. I would be curious to see the rewrite as the beginnign is extremely intriguing.