Emily by Lincolnia Lee - Short, Horror - A child hears screaming at her window. Is it her calling?  - pdf, format 8)

Ok, this is a staight up horror.

It starts with two boys researching the mental facility. Then you switch to Poe and her mother. You never go back to the boys. I don't think you need them there. Otherwise what's their purpose - there's no blend between them seeing what's inside and Poe's story.

You said calling Emily three times would awake her. Has it? Is that the reason she went to see Poe? I wish you made that clearer.

You could build up on "saying her name three times". Maybe Poe could say her name three times or something.

I wish there was more drama in this. I liked the scene when Poe asks if her mother is afraid of her. I also see her dad just passed away. Maybe you could establish more conflict between her mother and Poe. The mother doesn't understand Poe, doesn't believe her - something along these lines.

THe doctor acts strange - she types in her google search "Emily Thomas". Why Thomas - how does she know right away. And she does nothing about it. So that scene leads us nowhere. I wish you could squezze a bit more from the doctor.

So, the big question for me here is why Poe and her mother? Why them? Maybe there could be some tie between Emily and Poe. Maybe you could let us in a bit more - tell us more about Emily.

Having said that I still enjoyed it. The mother didn't believe her daughter when she could - that's a nice premise.

Great log line.

A couple of instances of camera direction that I would not go with - leave that to the Director.

The actions of Stick and Bruiser were a little adult for ten year olds – seem more fitted for teenagers.

Speaking of which, I don't think you need them in the story at all. They are in the opening and never heard from again (maybe if one of them was Poe's brother??)

Loved the newspaper scene where them mystical unseen force continues to peel the strips. However, Mother's action was "angry" - I think she would be more horrified than angry.

Overall, a solid effort. IMO - no need for the boys in the opening.

A little too basic for me. The two boys at the beginning disappeared and it's like it belongs with a different story. For me the story started in Mother's House.

I'd drop the camera direction, kept taking me out of this.

First sequence felt overly familiar and maybe a little stale as we have found footage of people breaking into a mental hospital and not sure how hair can be marble like?

I like the idea of Emily and the connection with Poe, but have I missed why there's a connection?

I'm not sure the intro sequence with Stick and Bruiser adds anything, think the script would work fine without it.

Decent effort if a little straightforward

Anthony

What problem is Mom fixing with the newspaper? What’s she not want Poe to look at if the name Emily is news to her?

How does Doctor know which Emily to look up? (Maybe the Mom could see the article on an old newspaper as she’s doing whatever it was she was doing)

Super creepy and atmospheric. Emily’s movements sounded very Grudge-like and that was a plus for me. The supernatural stuff was effective and (more or less) plot relevant. For me the biggest problem is the opening. It establishes the Mental Hospital, but those two kids never come into play and we never find out what happened to them. I’d be more interested in having Poe in that opening sequence. Have her playing around the hospital and give us a clue as to why she was targeted. As it stands, I couldn’t be sure she even lives in the same town as the hospital (though I kind of assumed she could see it from her window).

Other than that, solid work. It does what it’s supposed to, but there’s room for depth if you want it.

Writing is awkward, almost fragmented in a sense. Needs some work.

"INT. MOTHER’S BEDROOM

...awakens MOTHER," lol. Love it.

"Doctor
Timball is in another world now, types ‘Emily Thomas’" How did he know her last name?

Well, there's not much rhyme or reasoning to why things happen, which you usually see in horror -- but that's literally the reason why a lot of horrors are considered bad. There's not really a story here, a setting and some scares maybe, but nothing that the audience can relate to. Too thin, needs more actual meat.

As I go...

Instead of "Titles:" - use "SUPER"

"WACK!" - When you use a sound like this, it's going to be more effective when it's on its own line.

"We pull back..." - Oh boy, here we go.  No need for this at all.  Red flag is now waving at me.

"Two BOYS, about 10, walk across a leaf-covered lawn. This is STICK(for his figure) and BRUISER(leader type, troublemaker). They stop by a derelict building. It must be four stories high. Stick looks up."

We're not off to a good start here at all, I'm afraid.  Lots wrong with this passage and the fact that we're so early on in the script, the red flags are now waving madly at me.

You say the boys are "about 10" - Hmmm, who knows how old they are really?  Only you do, Mr. or Mrs. Writer.  They're your characters...you created them.  Only you know how old they are, so why don't you just tell us straight away?

The names and descriptions are corny and just not well done.

The passage is also not broken up remotely correctly.

You say "they stop by a derelict building" - Is this the mental facility?  Then, you say "it must be four stories high" - It must be or it is?  Again, why not just tell us, so we can visualize it?  OK, let's move on...

"For the next 30 seconds, we will be watching through the camera’s display screen as Stick films the break-in." - Oh man...really?  Not the way to do this at all. Very, very poor.

These kids don't sound like "about 10 year olds".

OK, I'm still in.  I really like the name Poe for a 7 year old girl.  I really dislike the name Mother for a 30 year old mom.

I'm noticing punctuation problems, poor sentence structure.

Page 4 - A time lapse?  Really?  Interesting choice, I guess, and I can see that, but I don't recommend making such directorial chioces, but based on all the directing going on early on, I shouldn't be surprised.

Page 4 - "Poe stares out of the back window, waves." - A very common mistake here.  The inclusion of "of" makes this awkward.  You see what I'm saying?

You have a tendency to exclude the subject in many of your lines, which is a huge pet peeve of mine.  Most of the time, the better option would be to simply include the line with a comma to the line it follows.

Mother says, "Poe" too many times.

Page 6 - Opening passage is full of problems and very awkwardly written.  Also, how does the Dr. know the last name of Emily?  This whole part feels very rushed and needs to be re-examined.

Page 6 - Yeah, this entire page is a mess.  Feels completely rushed and poorly written and thought out.

Page 7 - return of the "we sees".  Why would you do this?  What do you think it possibly adds?  I honestly don't understand this choice.  It's a good scene and it apears to be your finale.  Please let me in on why you would use "we see" twice in 1 passage?

Verb tense jumping all over the place.  Passive writing taking over.  Punctuation getting worse.  Incomplete sentences/thoughts.  Looks like a total rush job in full effect at this point, and it's too bad, as this is your finale and it ain't half bad.

The end.

Well, as I said, it's obvious you were out of time and rushed the last 2 pages, which really killed this.  Writing ain't good even before the rush, but it's downright bad in the last 2 pages.

I see potential here, though.  I don't know this urban legend.  I don't see what the intro with the boys has to do with the meat of the story.  I don't see what Emily has to do with Poe and her Mom.

This neesd work in all phases, but it's easily better than most.  Good job.

Emily

A good old child and see horror story. reminded me of the sixth sense a bit - kid that sees, mother that struggles etc

wasn't sold on the death of the mother, but hell its a horror script

the boys at the beginning seemed a tad function less and not part of the story, they could eb dropped.

but there was a creepy vibe to this, so well done for that

I think this one could be something special - but it's not quite there yet.

Honestly, for me, the first scene doesn't mesh well into the rest.  That's actually something that could easily be fixed, by mentioning the "missing boys" on TV, or simliar.  

Once one gets to Poe, that's where the fun starts.  I'd maybe do a glimpse of Emily eariler - something that could be interpreted more than one way.  Re: the fire starting at the window - I question why Mother doesn't believe Poe at that point.  After all, the little girl's nowhere near the pane, and Mama sees the newspaper getting peeled by itself.  I think that'd be enough for me to run screaming out of there.  Wouldn't you?

But overall, a very nice piece.  It needs a few tweaks, but could eventually come off as a solid ghostly horror...

This has effective atmospherics -- and problems that need to be straightened out. Most of these have already been mentioned. The boys at the beginning, who is Emily, what are the connections, etc.

The visit to the psychiatrist could be clearer, too -- he talked only to the mother the first day but was due to talk to Poe the next day? Yet it seemed as if he had talked to her already.

The ending section needs attention.

I never got the connection between the boys and Poe.  Seems forced.  For that matter, why is Poe chosen by Emily?  Emily was in the asylum, not the house.  Not a story I would enjoy because of the disconnects.  

Best
Richard

I never got the connection between the boys and Poe.  Seems forced.  For that matter, why is Poe chosen by Emily?  Emily was in the asylum, not the house.  Not a story I would enjoy because of the disconnects.  

Best
Richard

I don't dislike the story at all as I love this type of thing, but it just felt a little disjointed.

The beginning with the two boys breaking into the asylum seemed like a different story to the rest of it to me. So was the white haired screamer Emily? And what was her connection to Poe?

The descriptions were good enough, but the action lines seemed a little staccato for me.

Like I said, I don't dislike it, but it needs a bit of going through and making clearer.

Ok, I'm going to say it, too.  I didn't get the connection between the boys and Poe.
Maybe you could have the boys mention her name, cross back and forth between them and Poe???
I also didn't understand how such a young girl knew of Emily and also how she knew that it was Emily at the window.
Hey, don't get me wrong, I did enjoy the read. I thought it was pretty good for a OWC. I just think that it needs some tweaking.
Cindy

SPOILERS

The boys tell us the legend and the Doctor's google search gives us more of the background story.  The adults' inability to help Poe is believable and increases the tension -- the mother's papering over of the windows is beautifully fragile and futile.  It all creates a scary story with a sad, scary ending, within the confines of the OWC.  Very good effort as is but I hope the writer considers expanding this story to include an obstinate, reluctantly courageous hero.

Needs a good rewrote but has good potential. I was really getting into this though the appearance of Emily and her fire made it more harsh. I think the intro and the rabbit carcass(Bunny Man!!) hints at some wild orphan or ghostly figure living in the old building?

Anyway, add a few more pages and set it up and it's a nice little tale

After reading this, I think you wasted a few pages with that opening scene. Did you really need it? Honestly, I don't think you did. As for the rest, it was competently written (although I didn't really like the style of prose, but that's me), but the story was otherwise unremarkable.

C+.

Emily

Sorry to say this left me cold. Anyways I'm not into this whole supernatural – "kids see ghosts" – genre, not easy to win me over there.

While you mention it's based on a story at a mental facility, it was more about the mother daughter plot, and the connections didn't work as they should imo. It felt much too slow, with a huge amount of dialogue; more of a literature piece than a film to me.

Not my genre, good luck with it.

"Based on true events" is always an attention-getter.
A simple, old-fashioned ghost story. Apparently Emily got Stick and Bruiser, and now she's hanging around outside Poe's window.
Good job making it creepy.

I didn't pick up on the connection between the opening scene and the rest of the story.  I guess Emily was a patient at the facility?  But what does that have to do with Poe and her mother?  I think it would have worked better if Emily somehow had a connection to the house or the girl.  And why the fire?  Was Emily a little pyro when she was alive?  That's another layer that could add dimension to the story.  Give us some background on Emily.  

It all plays out kind of flat and basic right now, but a few more revisions could polish this one into a spine tingler.

There was a definite creepy vibe here but unfortunately I just didn't understand the story. I didn't see how the boys in the beginning tied in with Poe. I guess it was her hair they found, but I don't know what that meant.

There was something interesting about it, the story just needs clarification.

Agree with the others that the initial scenes with the two boys at the mental institution add nothing to the rest of the story, other than to show the possible "Emily, Emily, Emily" connection.  I think you're going to keep this, you need to re-write it to somehow connect that story with the second part, otherwise it's meaningless.

The rest of the script is fine. Decent build-up to the final scenes of the burning down of the house.  A few typos about but nothing that bothered me severely.  I guess my only question is why Emily has to kill the mom -- what did she do to incur Emily's wrath?

This would be fairly easy to film, except for the fire part. Pretty good effort here.

Gary

WACK! Whack?

“about 10” So they’re 9? Writing’s a little awkward to start off with.

“It must be four stories high.” Must be or is? I’m sorry but I think the writing is going to annoy me – time to concentrate on story.

“the baseball bat.” What baseball bat? Where did that come from?

“For the next 30 seconds” I don’t know?

How would taking the mattress off the bed help Poe?

Mother isn’t very considerate to her 7 year old. The fact that she doesn’t let Poe sleep with her feels wrong, but maybe this has been happening for a long time so the Mother believes that by denying Poe this, it will help her situation. The problem is that we can’t possibly know this so it seems off to the reader.

“The door flings open. The screaming suddenly stops.” Good copy and paste job here.

“Poe who appears asleep.” Appears?

Has time just lapsed? How long did Mother stand there?

Why would newspaper solve the problem? I feel like I’ve missed parts of this story. Also, couldn’t you just buy blinds or curtains – guess newspaper is the cheap way but it’s gonna be a bitch when they want to take it off.

“Mother appears confused.” You have a nasty habit of doing this – how about Mother’s confused. Appears just doesn’t work for me but maybe this is a preference thing.

You need to be clearer at the Doctor’s for me. I think Poe exits with the good Doctor and scurries over to the toy corner but that’s not very clear. At first I was wondering why the Mother went in but Poe never did.

The good Doctor is impressive – he knew straight away that it was Emily Thomas unless he guessed the surname randomly and got lucky.

Yeah, I don’t know about the Mother being angry – I think she should be more concerned but like I say – it’s impossible to know how long this has been happening… maybe she’s reached that point where concern has turned into anger.

“Turns away from Poe and closes her eyes.” See, it’s things like this that have ruined the story for me. The Mother is coming off a bit bitchy in this situation. They should be closer in this position, the death of a love one bringing them together, or at least make Mother (give her name, IMO) want to fight harder to help her daughter. She seems so dismissive at times. Maybe that’s just me.

You can cut “THAT NIGHT” Later would have sufficed.

Curtains and blinds… but no newspaper?

I’m not one that minds the odd “we see” but I do think it’s been unnecessary at times – you do it twice near the end in one paragraph and it doesn’t read well.

Well, that was anticlimactic – the Mother dies without much of a whimper. She’s definitely no Ellen Ripley. And I take it Poe died as well.

Yeah, this had some moments that if filmed right, could be very spooky like the newspaper peeling behind the Mother but overall to me – this one fell flat. The opening is a waste, I think the two boys released Emily somehow but we spend too much time on that scene so you think it will hold more relevance later which is doesn’t.

Then there is the connection between Emily and Poe – normally, and I do understand this is a short, but normally there is some link or reason for the ghost to be going after the kid. We get no reason here at all, it feels like Emily randomly picked this one out of a hat. Maybe she did?

What’s the biggest problem here is the human element – the mother/daughter relationship. That’s the backbone and the supernatural event should evolve around this but it’s not given any room to develop IMO. The ending falls a little flat with me because we get no real answers or conclusion for the characters and that’s a shame. There is definitely potential here, the fire ghost terrifying this single mother and child could make for a fine story. The premise is here but the execution is lacking.

Entire title page is to be plain 12 point courier, title all caps only, please.
Ditch the non-title blabbing on the title page.
Replace “Titles” with “SUPER”, for superimpose.
“We” don’t belong in a spec screenplay.
Enough with the format nitpicking, there’s a lively imagination at work.
Though the story unfolds a bit “predictably random” all the right elements are here to fabricate a decent story with a little nip & tuck.
Good work.

Writing style:
A little clunky at times, but it did the job.

Dialogue:
It was good enough for me.

Character:
I didn't care for them. I didn't know them enough to do.

Story:
I liked the build up. But the start confused me. I was thinking we're going back to Bruiser and Stick at some point. I didn't know it was an X-file like opening scene. Just to introduce the villain.

I didn't like the ending. The mother didn't put up much of a fight. I don't mind the villain winning but they have to earn it.

Overall:
Not caring for them, and the fact that they went down easily killed the script for me, although I liked the way you built tension.