Strained Relations by John Clark, Jr. - Short, Drama, Horror - A long-suffering husband hopes to save his marriage while on an anniversary trip to Las Vegas, but is it too late? - pdf, format 8)

I really enjoyed this.

Very well wrote, great characters and a great take on the urban legend.

I really enjoyed the character arc on the husband, I was waiting for him to snap... :)

Well done

This felt a little too simple to me, just a straightforward revenge tale.

And the twist just didn't work as I've no idea how he got him under the bed with no one knowing, and also none of the maids who clean the room spot it either?

Wasn't sure what the relevance of the pre-nup document was either?

On the positive side there was some decent interplay between them and the relationship felt real to me.

Anthony

The beginning was a bit slow for me - but it ended with a bang. Very nice job on Joe's dialogue once his demented side is revealed. Really liked his tone.

A few nits:

Quoted Text She shares a coffee with CHRIS CORDEN, 20s, slick back hair and ripped jeans. The kinda guy that likes to tell people his name’s spelt “Kris” because he thinks it’s cool.

Don't think you need this.

Quoted Text Roxy inspects the clock on the wall, and without warning, she grabs the mug from Joe.

You had this problem in a couple of areas - you don't need the extra "she"

Good story - I think it needs to be tightened up a bit - but overall a solid effort.

You call Joe a she on the first page, which sets the tone really. Also, "The smile drops -- who’s he kidding?", I'm not much to rap on asides but that doesn't make much sense. What would slipping on a pair of glasses mean to the audience? I can't see any relation, is he trying to look smart or...

Anyway. A few typos and mistakes, some very very easy to pick up, it's almost like it wasn't read over.

Also, don't replace every comma with a double dash, it doesn't read as well as you think.

As for the story, not a fan unfortunately. You drag it on too long, and I wouldn't call the twist obvious, but I knew if it was headed in that direction, I wouldn't enjoy it. Again, mostly because I feel you can tell the same story in half the page length, without the chatter and the repetitiveness. The script needs to have a little more meat than there is now. Needs work as a revenge story.

This was well written in the main, though the villainy exposition at the end was a tad unwelcome.

Unfortunately this suffered greatly from the same trouble that has plagued this whole OWC for me:

Urban Legends became Urban Legends because the stories were interesting and were repeated over and over. So all the stories are the very definition of cliche, but they are short, focused and usually have a witty punchline.

What we're seeing in this OWC, over and over again, is a well-known story that's extended beyond all decency, and modified to fit the theme and in the process we end up with a final product that's still completely derivative but unfortunately no where near as punchy as the original story it was based on.

It was a very, very difficult challenge and each and every story I've read so far has been fundamentally sabotaged by it.

Beginning is a bit confusing. Who is “she”? “The smile drops -- who’s he kidding?” IDK, who?

Might be good to make Roxy and Chris more subtle about it. The more obvious their affair is, the more Joe looks like an idiot. I was confused with all the anniversary talk, but finally realized a POSTnuptial Agreement is what you want that paper to say if they’re already married.

I like the attempts to characterize the couple. I still think less is more, but their troubles with the room and with each other built pretty good. I like the decision to give them a moment of hope before the dark conclusion. As for the conclusion, I could tell Chris would come back into it, but I wasn’t sure how. I suspected he might have killed himself accidentally by trying to break into their hotel room, and that his appearance would reveal the affair somehow.

I was underwhelmed with what did happen. It seems too convoluted for something so simple. A man wants to kill his wife and her cheating lover. That’s simple. But killing Chris, driving to Las Vegas, sneaking his body into the hotel, spending a few more nights with his wife despite knowing exactly what he’s going to do to her, and finally killing her in such a way that it’ll be obvious that he did it… I couldn’t understand why it would go down like that.

Just spitballing, but… what if Roxy went to Vegas specifically because she knows Joe would never go with her, and her intention is to meet Chris there. He doesn’t show, but the smell does. It would give Joe a plausible shot at making it look like a murder suicide. Maybe Joe went to surprise her and found Chris. Maybe he knew all along. Maybe he lies under the bed for three days with the dead body waiting for Roxy to find them like a proper psychopath should.

Pretty good effort, but a few too many holes for me.

Not a bad little story. Nice work. Few typo's here and there, but over all a pretty decent job. I'm veering between pass and consider on this one.

Cool - I like this one!!  Well written, dark.  Of course, I saw immediately where it was going when the smell was mentioned.  But I can forgive that, because the execution was so smooth.  (Yes, there are typos.  But it's an OWC - so that's forgiveable too.)  Nice work, Anonymous writer!!!  :P

Yep, prolly the best one for me so far. Ok, it was kind of obvious how it was gonna go down at the end but still well told and well wriiten.

And um, yeah, the pre-nup ref confused me too. For a tick I thought they weren't actually married yet and were going to Begas to do the deed.  I guess we will find out in the reveal.

So, is she dead under the bed too?

Defies logic unless Joe wants to get caught, but who cares, this was very enjoyable to read.

If you want to up this to the next level however I'd develop it further and concoct something really clever so our antihero escapes unscathed, and it's all pinned on Roxy. As is, all of it points to him. Roxy's the evil unfaithful one after all and would get her just desserts.

I reckon that montage should be a Series of Shots instead, and I'd make it short n sweet.

The fact you have (CONT’D) between character dialogue makes me think you're not an SS regular, and are perhaps newish to script writing - unless you're giving us a bum-steer. ??

A few wrongens including:

shock at what’s
she seeing
what she's seeing

and: ... if had been a model

Don't know what the others are going on about with:
The smile drops -- who’s he kidding?
I got that perfectly. Least I think I did. He smiles in the mirror, then she's hounding him - who's he kidding even trying to put on a smile. Everything's not happy home-maker.

Oh, and I wasn't fond of Roxy smashing glasses and the whole trashing the room bit. Seemed like a bit of overkill imh,  ;D notwithstanding she's a spoiled little miss.

This is a great moment:
'It would explain why he hasn't texted you back'.

For entertainment value alone this was very enjoyable but I do think you could make it even more ingenious.

Very good take on spinning the original urban legend.

As soon as I saw they were headed to Las Vegas, I knew this was going to be the body under the mattress tale, so no surprises there.  Unfortunately I just couldn't get past the numerous gaps in logic in this script.  If he was going to kill Chris, why do it in Vegas and hide the body in a room that is directly tied to him?  How is it even remotely possible that, once the smell was noticed, the housekeeping staff wouldn't notice a big ol' dead body under the bed -- twice?  The writing itself was pretty good, but the complete lack of suspense and aforementioned logic issues killed the read for me.

I read the legend.
It's a nice spin on the legend and I do think you left the essence of it in here.

The scene in the house - Roxy with Chris - doesn't ring true for me. How's they are drinking coffee... and the husband sees them and he's kind of not okay with that... but says "what again are you doing here with my wife". She tells him he's her personal trainer. That's too much in my opinion. I understand that every family is different but this is very different.

Yet he has the courage to kill the guy and get the body to Vegas. I'm thinking he did all this for alibi purposes?
But killing her in Vegas as well - they'll capture him... so no alibi - he was with her and then she disappeared.

I think it would be good if not the long part in the middle. The dialog gets repetitive for me and the fact that they are looking for the smell - they are doing it for too long - that gives away the ending.

I think he could kill him and not her. And maybe you could show her gagged and tied in the closet or something, wrapped in the blanket. The maids clean up yet can't see her. And his VO telling her why he had to kill Chris but spared her (and he didn't spare her, he tied and gagged her and she's going to die eventually and the smell would get much worse) Just a thought.

The stuff in the middle stands in the way of the read. Otherwise it's a solid story.

the characters are a bit cliche.  The story follows the legend, and that's fine.  I'm guessing the maids would notice the smell.  Not quite enough twist for me.  Joe doesnt demonstrate the kind of anger needed for this.  Still, it's reasonable.  

Best
Richard

As I go...

Oh man, looks like another "witty writer" here who is giong to go all out to impress us with their witty writing and asides.  I don't know what's happened in the writing world, but this "trend" is just awful.

Why is there a period after "50"?

And right on cue, here's the double dashes...

Is Joe a he or a she?  Maybe he's a heshe?  LOL...

This first aside is just plain groan indusing.

OMG, the asides are coming fast and furious.  I'm begining to wonder if 1 writer wrote like 3 or 4 scripts here, as these cheesy asides are in multiple scripts, and they're really bringing my mood down quickly.

Dialogue is very cheesy and unrealistic, sorry to say.

Maybe I'm missing something here, but I thought they wre going to Vegas for their Anniversary, right?  What's a Prenup Agreement doing here if they're already married?

I skimmed to the end, as the actual writing was irritating me.

This is way overblown and completely unbeleivable.  The dialogue is laughable - completely unbelievable.  The stuff at the Palozzo is also redonkulous, but is so simple to research to ake it believable.

This doesn't work for me at all, sorry to say.

When the smell business came up, I knew it was going to be a body, probably Chris.  And I didn't even know the legend.

Two cleaning crews come in, but nobody can figure out the body's under the bed? Doesn't fly.

What in the world would Joe hope to accomplish with this elaborate no-win scheme? I guess it doesn't have to make sense. He's psychotic.

Nice that Joe and Roxy spent the night in bed with stinking Chris right there underneath. Some possibility there for quite a scene.

Strained relations

He/she issue in first bit.

Ok, so they have a failing marriage with a less than obvious affair going on. Actually, that came across as a tad off. Seeing the curtains flicker and not doing anything.

What was the prenuptial agreement about?

She wanst to go, and annoyed when he's late, but then happy, but then focused on facebook and clearly not him.

I don't know, I just wasnt buying some of this.

But, I feel there is something in this, with some work

OH I love this story. The writing was very easy to read.

Loved your characters and the subject matter, well most of it, is something that happens in a lot of marriages. I do not really understand why the prenuptial though. I do not think that part was really necessary. I mean it confused me and it sort of shows that his feelings for her/their relationship has changed limiting the shock of your twist at the end.

Good writing. Great little story. One of my favorites. Good job writer!

Terrific tension. Joe and Roxy character-types played well against each other.
Couldn't help wondering how Chris "Kris" got to Las Vegas or how Joe found him.
A few tweaks here and there, and this script would be easy to shoot. The dialogue would be the actors' dream.

I liked it but just couldn't stop thinking...these are the dumbest maids in the world. They couldn't track the smell to the mattress? Besides that, it was a good story.

What was up with the pre-nup agreement? I didn't understand that part.

Good writing on display here. Easy to read.

Nice work for this OWC.

STRAINED RELATIONS

I think the room maids must have found the corpse

Hmm, so Joe Lewis has a life imprisonment coming next but he feels fine.

Sorry, the whole plotting does not work for me here.

I liked the setting very much, I liked the dialogue too
but the story felt throughout illogical constructed to me.

Some typo's (calling Joe a she made me laugh) but overall very well-written. I loved the way you wrote him knowing she's cheating and not being bothered to do anything about it.

What the hell is the deal with the pre-nup? Didn't grasp that at all.

The writing being solid kept it moving at a nice enough pace but the moment the smell appears in the script then it's time to wrap up ASAP. From then on it's extremely obvious and the longer it goes on the more irritating it gets.

The problem with this is, the maids not finding the body. I mean, really... They didn't check under the bed? Not only that though, they were sent up numerous times. Something as simple as showing that the maids were lazy or that they lied to their boss and didn't in fact check would've helped immensely.

Sadly I didn't care for the ending either. Joe's little monologue after Roxy finds the body is pretty redundant.

Quoted Text JOE (CONT’D) I’ve had what some Doctors would call a psychotic break... I think. Let’s keep it simple, that would be best, don’t ya think? Joe retrieves some WIRE from his bag and rises... JOE (CONT’D) Simply... I’m pissed off! Roxy immediately glances at Chris, and more importantly, the marks around his neck. Joe approaches Roxy, still very calm with his movements. JOE (CONT’D) I’m angry with my job, appearance but most of all, I’m angry with you. I mean, if had been a model or George fucking Clooney, I could take it, I can’t compete with that... He points at the lifeless body of Chris. JOE (CONT’D) But this mother-fucking greaseball! Give me a break. I ain’t accepting that shit. Well, I did for a little while..

I think you could cut all of that to be honest.


The writing was solid for the most part. Just needs to be more refined.

Turn off your program's unnecessary “Mores and Continueds” feature.make
A good, solid submission.
A B C D etc all fell into place right on cue.
Do some homework on what makes a thriller a thriller, apply such to this, and you’ll have gold.
All the right pieces are there, it just needs a little spicing up without anything all that drastic.

Writing style:
Well done.

Quoted Text The smile drops -- who’s he kidding?

The smile drops was enough. Because who's he kidding didn't make much sense to me. Kidding about what? About being happy, lucky, handsome? I know handsome might be the obvious choice, but it still confused me and it wasn't necessary. Less is more.

Quoted Text The kinda guy that likes to tell people his name’s spelt “Kris” because he thinks it’s cool.

Some are gonna give you hell for it, but I don't mind describing character personality. I think sometimes it helps with visualizing him. But I mind it here because Chris didn't have that much screen time or importance to deserve two lines about his personality in the script.

Dialogue:
I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. Well done.

Character:
Great job you did by making me root for Joe. It was beautifully done. You also made me hate his wife. But her taking advantage of the wine in the hotel was an overkill. You want the villain to be bad, but not comically bad. There is a fine line that you don't wanna cross or it will sell you out as being desperate just to make the reader hate her at any cost. It will affect the authenticity of your characters and story.

Story:
The pace is my problem. It dragged painfully slow toward the confrontation. There was no reveals, twists, or surprises either. We knew what her relation with Chris was off the bat. We knew the husband plans the moment they caught the smell. So I was waiting for something to surprise me, but I got nothing.

You could have played the suspense card, if she tried to escape, while trying to properly apologize to him every time he caught up to her.

Either that or anything that would save the story from the mortal sin of predictability.

Overall:
You have great talent. But you opted for the easy choices in your story. Predictability is a poison with 100% death rate. No story ever survived it.

Good job and well done.

A few points of logic to clear up, but I really enjoyed this Steve. :) Would've got my vote for entertainment value alone - just make your main guy a bit more clever so he can get away with it is my advice - pin it on her would be nice. :)

Quoted from LC A few points of logic to clear up, but I really enjoyed this Steve. :) Would've got my vote for entertainment value alone - just make your main guy a bit more clever so he can get away with it is my advice - pin it on her would be nice. :)

Thanks for that, Libby. It’s rare that anybody ever likes my work so this is much appreciated. To be honest, the character wasn’t trying to get away with it at all in my mind, nor be clever. His final act was killing his wife – I guess when he left the hotel, it was time for the “Falling Down” type scenario. Although I must admit that this opens the whole issue of why he would hide them under the bed? I guess because he was crazy... or pissed. :P

I do like the idea of him being more clever though and pinning the whole murder on the wife. If I ever decided to change this story and re-write it then that probably be the angle I would choose. Thanks for your kind words and thoughts on how to improve the story.