Brock McLean vs The Fairfax Bunny by Anna Del Amico - Short, Action, Comedy - A confident swindler attempts to track down the “bunny man” that has been terrorizing a small town.  - pdf, format 8)

The writing was clean but I felt the story was just a little long in the tooth. It took 9 pages before we actually met the bunny in question.

Overall your characters were well written and it flowed pretty easy, not a whole lot of comedy if that's what you were going for.

Good job

Ok I LOVE the title and I LOVE the logline here. Now let's see if the story can deliver.

Great visuals and descriptions for your characters. And their actions seem to fit their names. Good character work here although I didn't get the first exchange between Brock and Lucas.

The Andy and Barney gestures was kind of cute but this thing doesn't feel like action or comedy to be honest. But I did laugh at this line of dialogue
BROCK (CONT’D)
Listen here, chief. Your days of
terrorizing people are over, you
feel me.

Hmmm not sure what to say. I'm left not sure I got it. Maybe I'll read this again. Decent story although a bit confusing. Strange. But I like strange. :)

Good job.

This read a little like Curse of the Were Rabbit, not necessarily a bad thing but I also thiught there were elements of the this where it could be edited down to a tighter and shorter script.

Was a reasonable read but for me the humour just didn't come across strongly enough.

Decent attempt.

Anthony

A terrified REDHEAD, face scratched, rushes out from the overpass as –

Was the REDHEAD a man, child, girl, boy????

A crowd of concerned CITIZENS barrage SHERIFF WEST, 50s, tired and ready for early retirement, with questions.

What does ready for early retirement look like?
Loved the title and the log line.

The script got long winded for me at times. I think there is room to cut.

Some lines were pretty funny. I particularly like this:

Quoted Text Brock ponders before brushing a hand through his thick, well trimmed hair. BROCK Premature hair loss... poor bastard.

Some excellent descriptions. e.g,

Quoted Text It’s white fur stained with crimson, sharp nails that might as well be talons and large pointy teeth.

A couple of hiccups in the action for me were these two:

Quoted Text The Bunny obviously doesn’t respond -- a talking bunny, now that would be stupid. Yeah, like the Bunny gives a fuck. It menacingly hops towards Lucas whose confidence falters and he cowers.

Not sure that would really be in a script.

Overall, decent effort.

Where does he being a swindler come into the story? Fairly well told... it just does nothing for me.

Urban Legend : Bunnyman

Why IS CCR's Bad Moon Rising' playing on the radio? It's 1966. Oops.  (the song was released in April 1969) And that's one reason why scribes should not mention specific songs in scripts.

Some grammar/spelling errors here and there. Keep an eye out for them (too=to; see's =sees and so on) I'll also include a pet peeve of mine - misspelled words for the expense of comic relief. ('Holy reads Holly.)

He picks up a hair and studies it. Was this a writer playing cute? (hare) because they would bag it and examine it elsewhere. It's just one hair, what's to study?

It takes a few seconds for each to process what they saw Why write all that? If at all?

a talking bunny, now that would be stupid.
Yeah, like the Bunny gives a fuck

Yes, it is stupid.
No, i don't care either.
Pisser in the wind.
.

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley Urban Legend : Bunnyman Why IS CCR's Bad Moon Rising' playing on the radio? It's 1966. Oops.  (the song was released in April 1969) And that's one reason why scribes should not mention specific songs in scripts.

The script starts in October 1970.  Oops.

So, this story is a fairly well told smirk-a-thon.  The "out there" tone is sustained throughout.  Problem was, there was simply too much build-up to what turned out to be a straightforward monster tale.  No real explanation given for how this mutated hare came into being.  Somehow, I think it would have worked better if it turned out to be a deranged man in a bunny suit, as per the original legend.

This could easily be trimmed by three or four pages.  The jokes started getting stale by the end.  Was hoping for a crazy twist, but it never came.  Certainly not a bad effort for a week's notice, but had the potential to be a lot more.  

Odd one this. Not that comedy in it and a bit of action. If you made the bunny antics more slapstick I think it would better. It isn't really funny enough to play straight if you get me.

The name Brock McLean is funny too. Here in Oz, he's an Aussie rules player for Carlton lol

Another Bunny Man script, also a comedy!

Not entirely sure why the two fellows are trying to kill the bunny, and I have to be honest, I don't even know who they are. Maybe I missed something in the read but it might need to be clearer. Their relationship could also be established better.

The comedy fell short quite a few times as well, I'm gonna chalk a lot of that to the page length but without really knowing the protags, it was hard to get behind the story. Unless of course, they somehow are already established in the myth itself?

The writing was fine, not a lot to smite you on. I might even have a clue who wrote this.

Most (all?) comedies are pretty stale.

Doesn't do much new with the legend, the jokes largely fell flat and it was too drawn out.


I haven't given a single positive review this whole OWC, so don't feel too bad!!!!!

Another Bunnyman script with a character named Lucas.

A general rule: Don't write comedy unless you know how. That applies here.

The script constantly reaches for laughs but misses throughout. ("Premature hair loss, poor bastard" is the exception.) Stock characters, Andy-Barney references, Bugs Bunny reference, character named Easter, "I know karate," carrots, and on and on. It makes me tired.

bunny man etc

sorry i didn't know the other character -

it came across as a mix between wallace and gromit and the curse of the weir rabbit and anchorman - you don't get to say that very often :-)

a few lines worked, but it dragged a bit and got a little goofy for me

all the best

I really like this one.  Goofy and fun.  That makes TWO Bunny Man scripts in this OWC.  And I didn't even know about this legend before....

Yes, there are typos.  Easily fixed.
Two tweaks that I think will make this script even better:

1) Cut a bit of the banter back and forth with the two con men.  It's great stuff.  But it could be truncated.

2) What I was expecting was Brock to pull a Con, where he tells Lucas to dress up as the Bunny Man and Brock "scares him off" - and collects a ransom from the townsfolk... only to find out that the Giant Bunny really exists, and must be killed...  Frankly, I think that'd add a great extra level to this script.  A slippery con, then the inevitable twist!

Kinda reminded me of Supernatural in a way, two folks hunting a monster and all.

The Bunny Man is an unfamiliar tale to me, but this was something straight out the mind of a writer who blatantly enjoys nutty horror comedies, and might be a fan of Supernatural as made clear by my "this reminded me of Supernatural" intro.  

As far as Urban Legends go, a gigantic psychopathic Bugs Bunny might just be at the top of my "fear" list beside "clowns".  They're cute and cuddly, but this one would rather slash your face off and eat your guts than sit there all day doing nothing.

Kinda makes me wonder though... and this isn't your problem... how did the bunny get so big?  Is it like Godzilla or something?  Another question for another day, I suppose.

Fun entry, enjoyable to the end.  Hippity Hop, the Bunny drops.

As I go...

"REDHEAD" - ?  WTF?  Human?  Man/woman/child?  That's a very poor start.

"he’s enjoyed the 60s, and is set for the 70s." - Oh no...here we go again.  I honestly don't understand writer's fascination with cheesy, dumbass asides.

"A crowd of concerned CITIZENS barrage SHERIFF WEST, 50s, tired and ready for early retirement, with questions." - Oh fuck...really?  Does this read incredibly awkward to you?  Do you find it funny?  Correct answers are "yes" and "no".

OK, enough.  I can't put myself through another script like this, which is 3 in a row written in a style that is so irritating.  Bigger problem is this ain't funny, nor is it fun.  I'm not sure if it's supposed to be a pisser or just a poor attempt at comedy.

I'm out.

Funny stuff. The whole mental picture of a "monster bunny" is a kick.
Some colorful description. The dialogue is rather like a Jason Segel/James Franco movie. And those make a lot of money!

Didn’t read the logline so I had no idea who Brock and Lucas were. They just sort come out of nowhere to solve crimes, like the Hardy Boys. It could use more detail there.

Unfortunately the jokes never really connected for me and they seemed to push the story out. Seems like it was trying to find the story in the humor rather than the humor in the story. Not much I can think to add. It’s simply a miss for me.

Well,this was definitely goofy. Cartoony characters. I like the 70's vibe. It was entertaining. Not hysterical but amusing. I thought it went on a little long though. The writing was good, only a few awkward phrases. Seems like you had fun with it. :)

Writing style:
The whole thing was a smooth sail except for the likes of these two instances:

Quoted Text -- a talking bunny, now that would be stupid

Quoted Text Yeah, like the Bunny gives a fuck.

There is no point to those sentences. Unfilmables can be used only when there is a valid point for it.

Dialogue:
Well written but some lines sounded odd considering the period of time the story took place in, like:
"Holly shit!..."

Characters:
I liked them. But you didn't made an effort what their personality is really like. I mean most of their reactions were average. It didn't have a unique fingerprint to it.

I thought Brock was the only one that had an intriguing personality, but only when he faced the bunny, which was too late. We need to know your character earlier in the script.
Lucas could have had more depth. The rest for me was nothing than stick figures.

Story:
The idea is interesting. It hooked me when I knew Brock was planning some kind of scam. I was disappointed, cheated even, to know that he never had or at least we will never know. You used "What's the score?" just to lure us into turning pages, no more. It was a bad decision. Never put a setup without a pay-off. You will piss the reader/audience.
After they encountered the bunny, it was cliches fest.

Overall:
The story had some great potentials. It deserves a rewrite, and I can tell from the script I just read that you had potentials yourself as a writer.

It might just be a taste thing but I didn't get this. It felt like it was trying really hard to be funny but none of the jokes were connecting. I got bored pretty quickly but kept reading to see if some sort of twist or payoff could redeem it, but it didn't. And the whole thing felt way too long.

BROCK MCLEAN VS THE FAIRFAX BUNNY

Why is the opening shot 1970?

So, you'll need a CGI Bunny here. Don't know if this is possible but I liked all those visuals and fight scenes.

(@ I had a thought now how to solve this problem: While I think you tried to make this detective journey quite esthetically from the visual aspect, maybe there's the chance to one time go crazy and just give a trash film look to the bunny, for example just a costume, it's a big man in a suit-- then Brock still fights it as if it was a giant rabbit for real, as if it's still the big world-class final enemy. I think it could work, it even fits to your ironic characters. You know what I mean?)

I liked the script a lot. It's a comedic homage to the genre including the over the top clichéd characterizations of the hard guy and his helpless sidekick, the girl deputy for the romance and the stubborn Sheriff who tries hard to mark his terrority toward the new cops in town.

I definitely go with it.

Things always go shorter though. Great stuff - Nothing more to say here.

Turn off your program's unnecessary “Mores and Continueds” feature.make
Well… this was a fine display of some very competent writing.
All the required marks and high points are there in this story.
It’s just, for me, lacking that “magic sauce”, nothing I can really point a finger at and say “There! Fix that and all will be well.” Juno?
It’s good. It’s a good story.

LMAO! Some of you writers must not have a sense of humor.

Anna Del Amico, this was hilarious from FADE IN to FADE OUT. The soundtrack (although you normally don't write the music into the script unless it's necessary, a la American Graffiti or a musician biopic) was awesome and set the mood, even if it was anachronistic. (Then again, The Wonder Years episode, "The Accident," anachronistically uses Bob Seger's "We Got Tonight." But that was before the Internet.)

The bold slugs make me cringe.

The Andy Taylor, Barney Fife, and Bugs Bunny references were hilarious.

Code A talking bunny? Now that would be fucking stupid.

This made me laugh out loud, but it's an unfilmable aside. Try to keep them to a minimum or just leave them out, preferably the latter.

I loved the description of the bunny.

RE: the redhead, I just assumed it was a woman. But you should have made it a little more clear: Species, gender, age? Pretty? Ugly? Fat? Bald? Glasses? Mustache? Beard?

Overall, I liked it. Ending with Spencer Davis (though, again, see above about writing in music, plus I don't know the song.) reminded me of Dazed & Confused closing with "Slow Ride."

Overall, I loved your screenplay. A solid A.