The Final Piece - OWC

Great idea using the jigsaw puzzles.

Felt as if Margot's early to-self-dialogue didn't need to be there (though it foreshadows her need for a challenge).

Her putting together the mystery puzzle was fun, to a point. We know where it's going (Night Gallery, for example).

Also, I guess we just have to accept that the ax man could create the mystery puzzle on the spot?

Nifty idea with the "final puzzle." Didn't quite buy that she would do such a thing, however.

Henry

I loved the reveal of the threat via the jigsaw, think this would work well on screen.

Less convinced by the ending as it seemed a little bit of a leap to me.

But a solid effort overall.

Anthony

A solid effort. Some of the description was riveting - there were other places where it lagged a bit.

A real nit -but there were a couple of places where the action had an extra word or two. e.g.,

Quoted Text

She steps back in and closes the door. Then she picks up the
box, inspects it, tears off the wrapping.

Don't need "then". Several instances of this.

Love the ending. A very nice turn of events.

Starting out, I like the title and your logline here. It fits well with the story :)

I think you could have done away with most of Margot's talking. For example, when she says "Oh well, no sense in waiting." We already KNOW by your good use of visuals(the box of puzzles) that she is really into this. Then you have Margot say what you have already established. Show. Don't tell.

You use LATER to show us time has passed, but I believe it was Phil that once told me, find a clever way to show this or it will feel like gaps as you watch this film. It's obvious she couldn't sit down and put the thing together in thirty seconds, but even if you showed her making a pot of coffee or used the clock time changing, or the daylight turning to night or anything to 'show' this instead of using LATER.

I get where you were going with the end, but I think the end needs a bit of work. The rest of the story plays out good and it is ironic and twisty that Margot is the one that kills the man in the end(LOVE this) but perhaps instead of us finding this out then stopping with the possible phone call then going back to the body parts part, you could keep us going better and the twist would be more fulfilling if we hear the bone/wood whack and then we see the guy left there to try to put back the pieces of his parts...body parts. I dunno....just thinking out loud not sure that helps.

Good story. Enjoyed this. Like Margot :)

SPOILERS

This is smoothly written; the descriptive passages relay the entire story without slowing it down. The plot turns were unexpected and very dramatic, the assembled puzzle shows a violation of Margot's world and at that moment her life goes into another fraction of a dimension where nothing makes sense except that a puzzle is created by taking something apart and Margot loves puzzles.

Filmed, this might move too quickly -- might work better as a subplot of some dialogue heavy psychological drama.

Nice double twist at the end, definitely read it somewhere, wasn't expecting that ending at all. Creepy, and doesn't need a story to work either. A solid effort. My only gripe might be that the Man just seems like a place holder, I mean we can guess where he came from but I would've liked more. Although that might have screwed the pacing up. Probably one of the few I've read that I quite liked.

Good job.

I really like the concept here. I have never heard of such a "legend", but it plays out well.

I can respect what you are doing with the reversal near the end, but at the same time, I cannot help feeling that this story is really over once she completes the puzzle and peers out of her window.

That seems enough. Solid work, though.

Quoted from bert

The story you have described is the actual Urban Legend. ;D

This is the problem with each and every story on here: They are all just extended versions of an extant story...with extraneous bits added.

Code

MARGOT Well, who could of...

I think I know who this is. The correct word is 'have', not 'of'.

OK. That was good. A definite consider, maybe even a recommend. Nice job.

My thoughts on the script - all completely subjective:

This one was good and I wouldn't be surprised if it got picked up to film a neat horror short.

I liked this! From the urban legend choice to the added twist -- that was certainly as good and maybe even better than the one in the urban legend. Scar's above observation is interesting, but isn't this putting an unique spin on the story, which the topic was? Maybe I just haven't read enough of these to get sick of the method already.

The one thing I was disappointed in was how the woman's ending dialogue was turned bad-ass. It would work better if the ending dialogue had more unique character to it and didn't feel like something out of an action movie.

The runtime looks very fast, too. Right now the script is good, but I feel it could get even better with more meat on its bones. The urban legends speak of the woman's loneliness, I'd recommend dedicating more time to that and her character along with exploring the man more, too.

Good luck with this, writer.

This piece is one of the best written ones I've come across. Very tight, very much of a twist at the end. Didn't exactly see that one coming. Liked pretty much everything about this one. Could easily see this one being filmed.

My only quibble, and it's a completely minor one, is that you say that only two pieces are left to complete the puzzle -- and it's of the bay window and the man in the window. I would probably make it a few more pieces than two. Just a thought. Seems like it would be a giveaway otherwise. When filming, I'm guessing it won't matter though, because you wouldn't focus on that aspect anyway.

Excellent work here on this one!

Gary

Love the title of this.

Nice effort. The writing is crisp and fluidly moves along. I hadn't heard of the UL so had to google for the background. Perhaps if it's presaged that the old girl is a bit 'nuttier'?

Good job and I liked it

Well, this one was apparently written by Brian Williams, so it must be true.  I knew this story sounded familiar as I went along, then I realized it was the urban legend they mentioned in Dead Poets Society.

Moves along at a good pace, and the format seemed solid, although there were a couple typos.

I think Rick raises a good point that most of the enduring urban legends don't need any additional twists or expansions because they are already complete stories with beginning, middle and twist ending.  That being said, since the whole idea of this owc was to throw a wrinkle into an urban legend, I liked seeing the maniac killer get his comeuppance, and the old lady teaches him what a psycho really looks like.  As I read that ending, for some reason that old song Bad Bad Leroy Brown popped in my head: "Leroy looked like a jigsaw puzzle with a couple of pieces gone."

Love this one.  One of my faves!

My only suggestion - throw in a few extra lines when the man wakes up in the basement.  Something like this as a bridge:

Margo: So - you like terrorizing old ladies, do you?  We're so fragile. So alone.  I guess I could call the police. But what if they let you out? Someone like me wouldn't stand a chance...  My mind's all I have left these days. So, Mr. Intruder - here's my plan...

But whether incorporated or not, this one's definitely a winner in my book.  Kudos!  :)

A great last read for me, for the OWC!

Haunting script with an eerie vibe. 5 pages flies by as she pieces together the puzzle and BOOM! For anyone who hasn't seen a horror movie before, there's your classic jump-scare.

It would translate to a nifty short, no doubt. The finale though... hm, twist on the legend, but I don't really buy it, like a few others. It's a good twist, but... oddly, I didn't exactly get the whole "67 year old is a psychopath" vibe from an old woman who likes jigsaw puzzles.

Nice entry.

Good job.

Little bit of a Misery flavour happening here with the CRACK of wood on bone. Capably written, flowed well - obviously written by a U.S. member given the spelling of Ax.

It works well when the 'lights go on' and it is Margot who is standing over him - turning the tables - and this is a pretty nifty line:

Jigsaws are just too easy for me
these days.  What I need is a
challenge.

I suppose I would have liked a bit more lead up, a bit more suspense before that grizzly denouement - some valid reason he gets his comeuppance apart from him loitering outside with an axe  ;D.

Hmm, I don't know, on screen it would just turn into a gore-fest and some people like that...

A bit more cat and mouse beforehand, that might do the trick.
Nicely done.

Excellent writing and really cool story. Not sure what else to add. It was really good. Nice job writer!!

Works for me. Added detail might be her numbering the pieces of him. And you have to ask why she went to the trouble of keepign him alive. if she's going to hack him into pieces anyway, why bother? Still, a solid work.

Best
Richard

Final piece...

This is one of those that has been affected by me reading the urban legend before so I knew most of the first half, however, you did add an extra, so we'll done for that.

I still find it hard that someone lives after the arms legs etc are cut off. In fact I can't buy that. But if you just keep to her cutting open the inards that could work.

At that length we don't go very deep into anything, but it's simple and effective.

The Final Piece

Dark story. Great opportunity to film sth. in a seemingly "easy" manageable way. Would only need some makeup/costume for the torso image, or an open end with her swinging the ax down for example...

It's a short short (which I prefer), it has character, climax, and it has twist -- solid stuff.

Yep, I really liked it and this gets a big thumbs up from me.

I was wondering where this was going to end up, as I had visions of the old lady being a victim, but I'm so glad it finished the way it did. Nice twist.

Very good indeed.

Little old lady goes bonkers!
Really well written. Tight description, minimal dialogue.
Unexpected twist that keeps with the "puzzle" theme.
Well done. :)

Loved it! :)

Not much I can say that hasn't already been said.

Definitely in my top five. Great job.

I really liked this one. Anything I could suggest is little stuff that�s not really that important. But here goes�

You could start off with her just looking at her massive puzzle collection and realizing she�s done them all, rather than have her do two puzzles. That one image really says everything.

Should you foreshadow? Idk. I�d worry that any foreshadow might give away the game, though it�d be amusing to include a shot of her deboning a chicken.

And finally I thought it would be cool at the end to have her basement contain several previous dismembered victims, all reassembled like variations of Frankenstein�s monster.

But those are just random ideas. This works pretty well as is.

Writer,

Very good entry. Concise, no wasted space. Her "gnarled hands" was a great descriptor, aside from her age it really gave me a good sense of how old she was. That's good writing, and good characterization.

The story had a nice twist, and although its a bit of a stretch to think of her wielding a baseball bat like that, no less an axe, it still works methinks.

Very good effort here, although I'm not familiar with this UL.

Steve

Very detailed, gruesome and all round excellent read.

I just recently watched the Babadook based on a children's book and this reminded of that.
It would be a great little short movie.

Well done, one of my favs for sure and I have a feeling I know who wrote this.

Last read of the bunch. I'm hoping I saved one of the best for last...let's see what we have...

Well...can't say I'm impressed out of the gate, sorry to say.  Page 1 shouldn't be numbered and using "THE" in your opening Slug is a bit odd, but then again, it gives an almost fairytale quality to "this Old House...as if it's the only one.

Opening sentence is awkwardly phrased.  Using "domicile" here won't win you any points, either.

Writing is getting better.  Nice and basic with nothing over the top to disrupt the read.

A few too many uses of "then" for my tastes, but nothing major.

I could definitely do without the aside on page 2, but at least it's not obnoxiously worded.

The end.

Short and sweet with few hiccups along the way.  Easy to read, easy to follow.  I'm not familair with this UL, so I'm hoping it actually is one.

The other writers should pay attention to this one, as it's a good example of how effective writing looks and is handled.  No wasted lines, no wasted space.  Strong visuals with few adjectives.  And even though it may appear to be quite dense, understand there's almost no dialogue, which makes everything that much harder.

This is a good one to end the OWC on.  I like leaving positive reviews, but don't get many opportunities.

Good job here.  This is 1 of 3 scripts that I gave a 4.0 or higher, out of 5.  This comes in tied for 2nd place, in my book.

This one was a strange blend of horror and comedy for me.

And both came at the end - its horrific ending came out of nowhere and for some reason it read very funny.
I loved the woman at the end but the ending doesn't work for me nonetheless as it's a strange blend.
It's also not paced very well in my opinion. It moves slowly at the end and then the woman is suddenly a monster. A funny monster though.

Written very well for a week. And for 5 weeks too - I wish I could write like that. And I could appreciate little dialog.

Anyway, very entertaining, but somehow off.

This was a good short. Loved the moment she placed all the pics together of the jigsaw, some good suspense there.
wow I did not see that ending coming at all. She's a nutter. Pretty funny.

Quoted Text

EXT. THE OLD HOUSE - NIGHT

EXT. OLD HOUSE - NIGHT is fine, no need for 'the' at all.

Quoted Text

She smiles in satisfaction, then sighs.

MARGOT
So easy. Where�s the challenge?

Kinda contradictory. She's satisfied and smiling yet bemoans the lack of challenge. Surely the lack of challenge means its an unsatisfying puzzle? Besides, the line isn't needed.

Quoted Text

Someone has slipped it through the mail slot.

Unnecessary.

Quoted Text

MARGOT
Well, who could of...

She grins a bit. The challenge of a jigsaw is irresistible
to her.

MARGOT
Oh, well. No sense in waiting.

Again, unnecessary. You've already done a good job conveying her love of puzzles.

The use of 'LATER' isn't something that particularly bothers me but I've read that its a no-no.

As she's putting together this puzzle I really feel the tension. You've done an excellent job filching pretty much all the suspense you can out of the situation!

Sadly I hate where it goes after that. I wouldn't have had the man in the trench coat be an attacker with an axe, but her Husband playing a cruel joke on her. Just my preference though.

Total 50/50 for me. Hated half, loved half. You have a knack for the suspense but overall I felt the twist/alternate take on the UL felt incredibly tacked on and so comical it undercuts the rest of the script.

Nice setup. It's hard not to feel for a lonely old lady.

I was a bit sceptical when I read -

'Margot turns around, to see the man in the trenchcoat staring back at her.'.

My initial reaction was that if you added a bit more build up, this could've been a good place to end it. I was certain it was gonna go downhill from here with a couple of pages of the man swanning around inside the house. Glad to find out I was wrong. It just kept getting better and ended at a gruesome, well thought out climax. Great work.

Entire title page is to be plain 12 point courier, title all caps only, please.
LOL! This was very nice! :)
Mercifully brief and a delight to read.
Very Bradbury-ish.
Will make a great short film for a producer, very economical in resources - aside from the pile of limbs.

Writing style:
Good.

Dialogue:
Fine. I loved the last line. Brilliant.

Character:
Didn't care for her. You need to make me.

Story:
I like how the victim became the predator. What I didn't like is that the suspenseful moments was abrupt. I didn't get to enjoy them. Also the mystery of the puzzle wasn't solved in a graceful manner. A scene she was curious why it looked like her kitchen, the next moment there is man by the window.

Overall:
I wish you had put more meat on the mystery and suspense bones. It could have turned this into a gem.

Good luck and well done.

A tight, effective piece, cool concept.

I did anticipate, as the scene was unfolding, that the jigsaw was going to be of Margot doing the puzzle with some disconcerting revelation. It just had to be really, it�s the nature of these spooky stories. Thus, any tension created, in what was a well written scene, was greatly neutered by its inherent predictability.

However, the script had a final sting in the tail that I didn�t see coming which gave it a much more satisfying impression while subverting my presumptions about what direction I thought it would go. Suitably demented and depraved too!

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