The Gifted Photographer by Ian J. Courter - Short, Drama - A photographer pays a housecall to shoot a family portrait where his true talent becomes apparent. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Ian,

Not so sure what to make of this one. Well written for the most part but it left me scratching my head a bit.

Opening slug says 1900, then FALL. I believe those should get put onscreen in a TITLE or a SUPER, whichever you prefer.

I get the feeling like I've missed something with this. Was there a connection to the deli (Hauptmann) and the photographer (Houtman)? If there is a connection then I'm lost, if not it was a little confusing seeing as both could be construed to have the same pronunciation and it makes it a little confusing.

Why did you not give man and woman proper names? Both had speaking parts, although not much. I feel it would have brought me in a little closer to the characters here if given names.

SPOILERS

So, was Linda dead the whole time? Did Houtman pull a Jack Kevorkian on her? I'm not sure if the undertakers had been notified beforehand, or were they summoned after she died. Those are a few of my questions.
And Linda was talking about going to school, too. So, what gives?

You built up good suspense, as I knew "something" was going to happen and I wanted to see what it was. That kept me reading.

Steve

Hey Steve,

Thanks for the read.

I was just using what I thought was standard format for the slug to ensure the director made it a shot during the fall season. The colorful leaves on the trees in the opening would be the visual part.

As for deli name and the photographer, I need to make them different. There is no connection for this one. Only the fact she took a spill that left her paralyzed.

I wrestled with the names. I will add them in the revision.

SPOILER...

Yes, she was dead the whole time. This is a quick view of the Victorian-era fad of memorial portraiture (post-mortem photography) where a family would have a family photo with the recently deceased to remember them before they were buried. In this case, Houtman is also someone with the ability to "commune with the dead" and ease their transition (His name is for a Biblical figure). I purposely chose words, like "move on", "let her go", etc., then the final discussion with the undertaker and the apprentice. They had been summoned before the photographer since she had died that morning.

Note: I purposely chose a Dutch name (New Amsterdam) with the intimation that he was older than his thirties.

I see I have some work to do. My biggest hurdle or conundrum is how I can balance the fact she is dead with Houtman's ability to communicate with her so the audience clearly understands that at the end and slaps their forehead with the realization they "knew" it all the time, but it kind of twisted their perception of reality. I hope that makes sense.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback as that will help me in the subsequent rewrite.

Ian,

I understand now. Never knew that that was a fad... At any time. Still, I don't know enough people actually know that. I guess that's what had me confused.

Perhaps if you reveal Houtmanns gift earlier you might think about taking this story to a different place. There are certainly a lot of possibilities with this.

Steve

Ian,

I often wish I had a photographic memory.  Alas, all too limited here.  View all comments through a jaundiced lens.

I like the idea of the phtographer communicating with the dead, but it's not clear in the story.  I asumed he came for a final photo before he kills her in some fashion.  And how do people know he communicates?  Because he tells them?

Mom and Dad don't seem upset enough for me.  But those days probably called for a stiff upper lip.  They don't sound as if she's already dead.  That's me.

The last scene, the casket loading, seems like a last effort to clue in the audience as to the photographer's ability to talk to the dead.  I'm not sure it works.  

I like the idea and understand how it came about.  Good luck with it.

Best
Richard

Hey Ian

I would suggest including the year in a SUPER.

I wonder why you didn't give the father and mother names?

On to the story and it was very good, although I twigged the twist pretty early but that's simply because I recently read about the photographers who captured the dead.  Pretty morbid but as most families didn't take photographs of their children when they were alive it was at least a way to help remember them.  They do look pretty creepy though.

There were a few instances when I thought you could have trimmed it a little.  I think there was a part near the beginning were you wrote that the door was glass and then that you could see someone through the glass; the second glass could probably be cut and it would still read okay.

Overall, a pretty good little short.

Steve, Richard, and Allfy,

This was both difficult and easy for me. Difficult in the sense it is outside my comfort zone as a borderline horror script. I have always been a SciFi, drama, and comedy kind of guy. It was easy in that, like you Allfy, I had recently read about the memorial photographers from one of those clickable links on Facebook. It was literally an epiphany and took me about a combined total of three or four hours to write. I have never had such an experience and wish more instances like that would happen. Hopefully, it's not a fluke.

I have already addressed most of the points you all have made and a few others I caught during the revision. I have given the parents names and fixed the window issue. I hope to post the revision in a week or so. I am also revising Snow Job (Lorraine Sanchez) as well, so there's more on the way. Unless another epiphany smacks me in the head, I will be shifting back to revising my feature-length scripts.

Thank you all for taking time to read it over. I look forward to reading your future works as well.

This had a nice ghostly feel to it, I love the setting.
I wanted to know more about Houtman, he seems like a mysterious character, which is a good thing. I think you could have added more eeriness to how he can talk to the dead, just to give it that extra punch.
I love how its based around those victorian photographs, was definitely a strange tradition.
Very good, I enjoyed it.

Thank you, Debbie. I am mulling over several different routes I can take this one. There is a potential for creepiness in this one, but I am steering away from that. I was also trying to subtly highlight the contrast between a beautiful, sunny day and the death of a person in the "spring" of her life.

Glad you enjoyed it.

Hi Ian

Couldn't resist giving this a read, fascinating and macabre subject! All thoughts are just my opinion of course.

Overall I liked, but wonder if it some of the dialogue about moving on and such is a little too revealing initially?

Was my understanding that the photographers had sort of scaffolding type equipement to get the people into the right pose(s), wonder if that could be woven in?

Only thing that didn't work for me in this version was the ending with the undertakers, they seem to serve the purpose of explaining what's happened... I think there must be a way of 'showing' not 'teling' this element.

Good job though.

Anthony

Anthony,

Thanks for the read.

I ran into a dilemma on this one. In the initial version, I tried to be subtle at first, but ran into a situation where many readers didn't understand what this was... a story about a memorial portraiture photographer. This topic is not widely known to most people. I knew what it was in a vague way myself, but before I came across the topic by chance, I realized just how widespread it was in Victorian times.

I addressed some, maybe all of your points (and other readers) in a revision due to post here soon. I ended up keeping the undertaker, but changed the dialogue somewhat in an attempt to make it less about telling what the story was about or a wrap-up. Hope it reads better.

Ian

Hi Ian

Yep can see the issue you have, not many people will have ever heard of the process and you can't write scrpts just for wirdo's like me ;-)

I Look forward to seeing the new draft wehn it goes up.

Anthonyh

Anthony,

Just got notification it should be posted tonight. It will probably be morning for you folks on Greenwich mean time.

This was actually my first foray into this genre. Usually a SciFi, drama, and comedy type of guy.

Ian

I'll give it another whirl... see if you've added a mad interviewer or bigfoot running round in the background ;-)

Oh, there's a way to post your own updates whenever you want if you're interested?

Anthony

Yep, I am interested. I sometimes feel like I am bugging Don when he has so many other things going on.

Also, I forgot to say something about your previous post about the frames used to prop up people. My research into it showed that the prop rods and other things were used when cameras had long shutter speeds and something was needed to keep people still during the long exposure needed to get the shot. If there were no prop rods in the old ones, it was a sign that the person was already dead, so being still was not an issue. Another sign was that a family shot that had all but one member slightly blurry indicated that the still one was the deceased family member. I am attaching a URL that shows the parents slightly blurred, but the daughter is crystal clear. http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/c/cb/Victorian_era_post-mortem_family_portrait_of_parents_with_their_deceased_daughter.jpg/220px-Victorian_era_post-mortem_family_portrait_of_parents_with_their_deceased_daughter.jpg

Frankly, I will be glad when this one is done as there is a creepiness to this story, especially after doing the research to set the tone and feel.

Anyway, thanks for the read.

Awesome pic, the tone and feel I like, you've captured it well...

Re updating your own...
1) First you need a Dropbox account and it's easier if you install the desktop edition.
2) When you complete a Script, save it to the 'Public' folder.
3) When you submit it using the Submit your script form, there's an option for Script URL
4) Copy the URL for your script from dropbox Public folder be something like https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/35583122/Disruption.pdf
5) Put this in the Script URL field
6) Don't Upload a script on the second page of the webform.

Then when you make changes to your form all you have to do is re-save it to the Public Dropbox folder with exacty the same file name, in essence just over-write the original file.

Voila, when someone next clicks on the file link on SimplyScripts they'll see your new version.

I'd like to take credit for this great idea but Janet (wonkavite) passed it to me.

Anthony

That was one of the pictures that helped me get into the mental frame of mind to write the story. Studying them and info about the times really helps me understand the environment.

Thanks for the info on dropbox. Janet has helped alot of us with key issues that make our lives a little easier. At the risk of sounding cheesy, thanks, Janet.

Ian

I didn't read the earlier version (so was puzzled at first by some of the comments!)

Anyway, I liked this very much. I'm familar with this practice so knew right away what was going on. What a great premise for a script.

The parents were believable, their grief poignant. The writing hit the right tone throughout.

And having the girl talking, as if alive, accentuates the weirdness of the practice because the corpses in those photos look very much alive.


Henry

Henry,

This was a tough one on a number of different levels as you saw from the comments. One thing I am curious about that the research did not reveal was whether this was a peculiarly American phenomenon or did the British, Canadians, Aussies, etc. do this as well. The sources state this was a Victorian-era thing, which only means it was a given time period. The vast majority of the photos that I have seen also suggest it was primarily a Northeastern fad. Other regions did death photos from hung people to killed outlaws, but the practice of families having final photos taken with their recently deceased loved ones was a special case. If I were to carry this topic/character further, I would dig into it even more to really nail it.

Thanks for the read.

Ian

Here is revision #3. Thanks to all who shared their thoughts and recommendations.

Ian,

Nicely written. Dialog accents were different. Interesting about how you came across the inspiration for this. I'm sure it won't be the last one that flashes into that noggan of yours.

Gl

Tony

Hopefully not the last, Tony. Thanks for taking time to read. In case I miss your current or next, let me know so I can give it a view.

Hey Ian
    I'm gonna give this a whirl.  I see this is your third rewrite.

Oh, to comment, I used the work in progress for my short "the Mouse Whisperer" and just upload the newest one so that I don't have to bug Don every time I change a few words.  It's pretty easy.  If you want, I can send you an email on it.  I'm not tech savvy, so, if I learned then it must be pretty easy :)

Wow, that was really good.  I live in Buffalo, NY USA and I have NEVER heard of that, but, it doesn't surprise me that people would do that.  

I had no trouble following it.  I knew OH SPOILERS
I knew that Linda was dead and her mom was in tears.  I thought the conversation between them was sweet and heart-felt.  I got a great visual feel for the time period you were trying to convey.

Really, I can't say much in the negative.  I thought it was good, I thought the dialog was good, the descriptions were solid, really solid job all around.

I'm glad I took the time to read it.  You have a real talent Ian.  This is the second story of yours that I have really enjoyed.  

Oh, well researched too.  All the historical camera and how it worked seemed spot on.  So, good job on that aspect as well!

I think this should be a front page piece on STS (Janet's site) and will be doing a write up for it.

Dan

Dan,

Thanks for the praise. It was one of the ones that just came to me in a burst of inspiration. In some weird way, it just flowed. What was frustrating was how scripts I have spent time outlining and planning out have not been nearly as evocative. This one just came out pretty much as is. I have tweaked it some, but not too much. Now, if I can just recreate that same flow for my other projects.

I admit I am a professional writer in other areas. I have done academic work, which was not nearly as fulfilling or satisfying. I am currently making a living as a technical writer, so another form of writing seemed very natural to me. I guess I am fortunate in that it keeps me in the writer's mindset continually in some way.

I am probably going to do one more revision and post it, then put it on the shelf so I can refocus on my feature-length projects.

Thanks again, Dan. If you have any projects coming up and you are looking for a read, drop me a PM as there are so many submissions and I try to balance reading the seasoned writers' material and the aspiring newcomers.

Keep at it and don't get discouraged.

Ian

Steve, Richard, Alffy, Debbie, Henry, Tony, and Dan-

Here is revision #4. I would probably not have revised this one so much without your encouragement. Thank you all.

Ian

Hey! I really like this one! Def one of my fave short scripts i've read.
Loved the solemn atmosphere its got. I think there's more dialogue in this version which is good, its gives the characters more insight and makes you really feel for linda.
And still Houtman has that air of mystery around him.
Great stuff!

Hey Ian,
    I'm back for my next fix of Ian greatness.  Thank God that it doesn't cost much... :)

1.  Since this is set in the early 1900, do you think we need a super?  How will the viewer know that these people aren't just backwards or tech haters like in that bad M Night movie?

2.  Mr. Jaffe nods solemnly and leaves.  IMO, he'd have some sort of facial expression of sadness in addition, wouldn't he?

3.  Bottom of page 2 you say the Camera is set up.  Wouldn't it be better to replace the passive verb with something like the Camera stands at attention, ready to be used.  or something along those lines?

4.  Bottom of page 5 when Linda realizes she died this morning.  I think it'd be more dramatic if she asks Houtman if that means she died today since she wasn't in pain anymore.  It might be a real touching moment if he were to kneel down next to her and explain that to her and prepare her for her next life.  I think you miss out on a really nice scene that could elevate this script to greatness...

I know they have a kind of conversation about that, but, you could dive really in, help her adjust to being dead and her dreams being over.  We always see the regret of the living, how often do we see death from the viewpoint of the departed?  Or in this case, not yet departed?

And when he gently closes her eyes, imagine if he asks her if she's ready b/c that is the last step to moving on.

This version is better.  I'd still like to see a tiny bit more emotion as he prepares her for her next life.  But, it is really good, I just think it can be great.

I'd read any other rewrites again.

Dan

ps, if you aren't gonna do another rewrite, send me a pm or email or something and I will still nominate it for STS with Janet.

Thanks, Debbie. This was a tough one to write in one important way. I am a researcher by nature and training. So, I researched memorial photography. Some of the images were unpleasant, especially those of children, but they helped me to understand and better capture the feel. Glad you liked it.

Weird question but... is that you in the avatar? Off topic I know, forgive me, dude reminds me of someone.

Dan,

Thanks for the encouragement. You are really making me work at this one and Retrocausality. I am making changes to tighten photographer and will repost for one more time.

I am working on a feature-length that is set primarily in Bosnia. Without giving away too much, I am incorporating much of my personal experiences while deployed to that country, so I hope to make the realism and credibility strong.

Take care.

Good read, Ian! I looked at all those photos of the dead myself a while back when I was contemplating a horror/thriller around this subject matter. The photos of dead babies with their living families in portraits is particularly macabre.

P.S. This was the logline:
A post-mortem portrait photographer in the Victorian era discovers taking pictures of the dead is hazardous to his own health.

Quoted from Iancou Dan, Thanks for the encouragement. You are really making me work at this one and Retrocausality. I am making changes to tighten photographer and will repost for one more time. I am working on a feature-length that is set primarily in Bosnia. Without giving away too much, I am incorporating much of my personal experiences while deployed to that country, so I hope to make the realism and credibility strong. Take care.

Feel free to let me know via PM or some other way and I'd be glad to read it.  I have seen how a lot of the regulars exchange ideas and I think it's totally kick ass!

Fenigus_Max,

Yep, that's me mug. I doubt you would know me unless you were with the 1st UK Armour Division in Iraq back in '03. I was attached to British forces then. That is, if you are from the UK. For some reason I thought that was the case. If not, then maybe stateside. Just depends on where.

LC,

I can't explain what drew me to this story. It was one of those stories that just came to me and flowed. Wish it happened more often.

Quoted from LC Good read, Ian! I looked at all those photos of the dead myself a while back when I was contemplating a horror/thriller around this subject matter. The photos of dead babies with their living families in portraits is particularly macabre. P.S. This was the logline: A post-mortem portrait photographer in the Victorian era discovers taking pictures of the dead is hazardous to his own health.

Interesting concept. Have you seriously considered outlining it to get a better feel about where you would like to go with it? I can see a number of different directions. I only advise caution to not appear like "After.Life" (Liam Neeson, Christina Ricci) and "The Sixth Sense". I purposely steered clear of any close similarity to them. My caution made it more difficult to write, but I didn't want any semblance to them.

If you write it, I would like to give it a read.

Thanks for the read on 'Photographer.'

Quoted from Iancou LC, I can't explain what drew me to this story. It was one of those stories that just came to me and flowed. Wish it happened more often.

Ah, it's great when they just come from nowhere isn't it?

Quoted from Ian Interesting concept. Have you seriously considered outlining it to get a better feel about where you would like to go with it? I can see a number of different directions. I only advise caution to not appear like "After.Life" (Liam Neeson, Christina Ricci) and "The Sixth Sense". I purposely steered clear of any close similarity to them. My caution made it more difficult to write, but I didn't want any semblance to them.

Um, no. I had put this one on the back-burner for now. Perhaps you should extend your idea into a feature length? And btw, you're right on all counts.

Ian

I really enjoyed this piece. I thought the dialogue was great and the running details of scenery etc. were well done. The story and it's ending took me by surprise - quite haunting. I just didn't understand:

Linda:
Leave? I should have already left for school.

Julian

Julian,

First, thanks for the read. Once the OWC is over, I will revise 'Photographer' what I hope will be one last time.

As for your question, it was a (too) subtle allusion to her moving on from her current life (leaving). At that point, she has not realized her own death.

Hey, are you working on a short for the one week challenge? I encourage you to do it for the practice, if for no other reason. Shorts can turn into features, but even if they don't, they are good practice for scene writing and character development.

Ian

You're welcome. Thanks for the clarification about the dialogue - now it makes sense to me.

I'd like to take part in a later challenge - I am a bit snowed under for the while. But, I agree, these OWCs would be good practice.

Good luck with the OWC, too.

Julian

Just gave this a read and I'm glad I did. Nice story. You can tighten this or that, but as a story it's ready to go in my opinion.

The Victorian costumes may be fairly costly to rent, but you should perhaps have a go at filming this one yourself.

Thanks Dustin. It was one of those unexpected scripts that popped up and just sort of happened. As for filming it myself... I appreciate the vote of confidence, but getting the period feel would be daunting. The costumes would not be too difficult to obtain as we have an annual Dickens festival here. The problem would be the scenes. There are many period homes in this area, but they are on main thoroughfares and quite congested. Then again, who knows?

Good luck in the OWC as I hope you will be posting something.

Quoted from Iancou Thanks Dustin. It was one of those unexpected scripts that popped up and just sort of happened. As for filming it myself... I appreciate the vote of confidence, but getting the period feel would be daunting. The costumes would not be too difficult to obtain as we have an annual Dickens festival here. The problem would be the scenes. There are many period homes in this area, but they are on main thoroughfares and quite congested. Then again, who knows? Good luck in the OWC as I hope you will be posting something.

Much can be done with lighting and sheets. Afterwards too in the editing suite. Not that I'm an expert in that area. I have seen day turned to night quite effectively before, although we didn't manage to pull it off in our own film.

If you're any good with your hands you could possibly build a set in your own home.