Quoted Text The Mustang, partially fixed up with rust spots here and there, drives slow through the dark city street. |
Quoted Text INT. 1960S MUSTANG. NIGHT Wealthy neighborhood, mostly drug dealer type homes surrounded by high walls and fences. Stark contrast to the previous scene. |
Quoted from medstudent eldave1, Thanks for the read. The offer stands regarding a reciprocal read, if interested. Look forward to hearing the rest of your thoughts. I agree, though. That description would be better right off the bat. J |
Quoted Text MUNECO, 30s, dressed like an upper middle class yuppie with eyes that belie his outward appearances, sits at a back couch. The kind of guy you wouldn’t want to cross. |
Quoted Text Manny and Saul make their move. |
Quoted Text You knew about this, didn’t you?! |
Quoted Text Muneco takes the iron and without warning, whips Manny in the face, instantly splitting his forehead |
Quoted Text A silent moment, as if Edwin is waiting for an answer from the statue. CLOSE ON Jesus statue. It sits lifeless, unmoving. BACK TO SCENE |
Quoted Text A KNOCK on the door startles Edwin. Edwin goes to the door, nervously peers out the peephole. EDWIN’S POV The Elder and the Elderly Man stand just outside. |
Quoted Text Continues straight for Muneco. Muneco stands there shocked. Edwin strikes him in the head with the hammer. |
Quoted Text The Elder pulls a TASER. Tases Edwin, knocking him to the ground, unconscious. |
Quoted Text INT. LUXURY APARTMENT. SPARE ROOM The room spotless. Everything clean, including The Box. |
Quoted Text Edwin notices The Elder slide the back door down on a MOVING TRUCK. He gets in the driver’s side. Before Edwin can go after it on foot, the truck pulls away. Edwin quickly scans the street, finds his MUSTANG sitting curbside. He goes to it, gets it and starts it up. |
Quoted Text The Stranger shows off the place. Reveals to Edwin that The Organization is in the process of expanding and they want Edwin to be a part of it. STRANGER We are in the middle of an expansion, Edwin. We want you to be a part of it. |
Quoted Text A similar pitch that was given to Edwin by The Stranger years before. |
Quoted Text The pages just flew by. Clean and crisp. |
Quoted Text his eyes that belie his outward appearances. Not sure what that means |
Quoted Text I didn’t quite get what the crime was or how it works and I think it may be a real weakness in the story. |
Quoted Text In several places throughout the script you overuse exclamation points! |
Quoted Text First, we have to believe that Olivia willingly quits her job (essentially), and plops into a car with a stranger and goes to a foreign country. Not believable. |
Quoted Text From Edwin’s perspective, he never mentions that Olivia has been screwing his brother – not believable. And then there is the matter of the box that he was supposed to be watching. It is the single thing that changed his life and he leaves it at the apartment while he goes abroad. – Not believable. |
Quoted Text The Elder shows up much too soon after Muneco leaves. |
Quoted Text didn’t make sense to me that he would kill Flaco with a gun and Muneco with a hammer. |
Quoted Text these elder dudes are creatures with special powers (they carry things way beyond their weight, etc.) I can’t see them pulling a taser out. |
Quoted Text I thought the elders took the box in the previous scene. |
Quoted Text You need to find a cleverer way for Edwin to know where they are rather than the mustang chase scene. |
Quoted Text I think you over do the hammer killings, especially when it comes to Olivia. |
Quoted Text Olivia’s personality is a bit confusing and inconsistent to me. |
Quoted Text Olivia’s affair with Henry is revealed much too early in my view. |
Quoted Text the story ending as it does leaves too many WTFs |
Quoted Text Style is one thing, consistency is another. |
Quoted Text DAY/NIGHT often missing |
Quoted Text WE OPEN ON A RED SCREEN (you don't really need the 'WE' and some people dislike its use) |
Quoted Text FADE IN ON THE RED is how I'd do it and go straight to: |
Quoted Text And given you've got the fireworks 'snap' I'd have him crack the whip instead |
Quoted Text I'd be a bit more discerning about what you choose to CAP too as it's coming across a bit haphazardly. |
Quoted Text You have intro'd her as both WOMAN and OLIVIA |
Quoted Text go easy with actually calling them 'shots' |
Quoted Text The woman escapes (through?) the crowd' should also be at this stage OLIVIA escapes the crowd. |
Quoted Text I personally would avoid making character description comparisons with known celebrities/actors. |
Quoted Text Learn the difference between 'lay' and 'lie' |
Quoted Text lot of 'orphans' in your descriptive lines |
Quoted Text Cuts the headlights on at end of the road |
Quoted Text You could add a bit more accurate detail re the MRI |
Quoted Text medical power or attorney' - This would be an: ‘enduring power of attorney’ – planning ahead for future medical treatment decisions. |
Quoted Text ...with eyes that belie his outward appearances, What exactly does that mean? |
Quoted Text I usually associate pedestrians with crossing roads – this needs to be rephrased imh. They're people coming in to pray, correct? |
Quoted from medstudent I've always been under the impression that INT. scenes need no DAY/NIGHT attached. Maybe I'm wrong about this. |
Quoted from Joseph That's how it should read. He had the lights off and didn't turn them on until he was down the street. |
Quoted from Joseph I don't know if you've been to a Mexican City or another city with a heavy Catholic influence? People wander in and out of these churches without the intent on "praying". They come in, look around, admire the gold and statues, take pictures and leave. Those are the types of people I meant. |
Quoted Text we don't have any real details about Edwin and Henry's life together, of that sort. |
Quoted Text Getting the box comes on page 53 and I thought the elder telling him 'the rules' was a cool set up ... coming at almost an hour into the movie. Again, nothing wrong with slow burn or different pacing, for me, just stating out the beats. If you know that, and are good with it, that's fine. |
Quoted Text As for nit picking stuff. When the limo comes to pick up Olivia, it's the first time we meet her since she was kidnapped and held by Muneco - but there's no sign she went through an ordeal of any kind - is that an oversight or was she in on it? If she was with Henry on the scheme, then she wasn't in with Muneco right? How would she look, feel or talk in the scenes following being kidnapped with no idea if she'd live or die? |
Quoted Text A f***-up petty criminal, who knows his problems and is sympathetic, has a brain tumor. He gets into real trouble after another job-gone-wrong, but is approached by a mysterious organization who give him a mystery box. He gets all the money he needs if he looks after it, but he can't show it to anyone, this leads to the bad/intrusive people in his life coming into conflict with him. After killing some of those people, he seems to be reborn through the box, and his illness goes away ... then when he finally kills his brother and wife, both who have betrayed him previously, he is accepted into the organization and will start to help others in the same way. |
Quoted Text Belie=does not support. I wanted to give the image of a clean cut looking guy with killer's eyes. |
Quoted Text This (scam) is something that has occured in places like Mexico (which is where this is set). An owner of a house dies unexpectedely without next of kin. Someone forges ownership documents, sells the house as their own with those documents. Expensive houses and wealthy people in Mexico have live in workers (maids, etc). Henry and Edwin mistook the Gardener for that... a Gardener. In reality, he is a relative taking care of the house. |
Quoted Text So the point here is Edwin doesn't care about the Box. His only interest is getting Olivia back. That's why he leaves it. Whatever is in it, doesn't matter right now. Only later does it become his focus, his obsession. Edwin loves Olivia so much, that he doesn't confront her about it. In his mind, if he can win her back, it doesn't matter. |
Quoted Text When someone kills someone, they tend to use a similar weapon. That was my reason for sticking with the hammer. |
Quoted Text Thanks. This was very revealing. Tough seeing the flaws in the story when I've been so close to it. I plan on working on these issues stated above the next draft. I'll go through your recommendations again when I sit down to rewrite this. |