Satan's Freezer by A. A. Geraghty - Short, Horror - Satan's freezer murders three women on a cold winter day. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Not too sure what to make of this one. Technically, the formatting is fine, however, the action is too long in description and the sentences can be made more concise. Dialogue can also be made more concise and it seems contrived at times. As for storyline, it does not have the punch I expected. It just seems like one of the gore-fests I saw as a teenager where violence and gore were simply gratuituous and not used to advance the story itself. Finally, the logline gives away the whole story. It was simply  an evil appliance that ate three hapless (witless) women on a wintry jaunt. Recommend 1. Streamline the action sequences to focus on the visuals and not address anything that won't be on film -- show, not tell. 2. Revise the dialogue to be more concise and natural-sounding. It isn't bad, but it is too long at times.

Well, that is my take on it. If you want some details (not that my opinion has any more weight or authority than the next guy... or gal) or explanation, let me know and I will be happy to explain my thoughts.

Best of luck.

I don't want to repeat what Iancou has already said, and I'm actually a fan of gratuitous gore pieces that I saw as a teen ... but yeah, everything in the action has to be something you can see on screen.

As for having detail in the action, I don't mind that, but that's just me. Also I'm guilty of that in my scripts, and a reviewer just posted on mine how it caused him to slow then skip pages.

So. Three women drive through the deep winter, far up north and suddenly crash their car. They are forced to make it to a nearby cabin, where hell's freezer devours them one by one. Finally, their male friends find the cabin but assume the rancid freezer is full of meat left by hunters.

The tone of this could go either way, with a minimal amount of tweaking, and some dark humour in the dialogue, it could be a funny short. To get gross-out, you'd have to show the gore at the end. As it stands, it reads as though it's being played straight ... or maybe it's just really really deadpan, and the fact that it's a freezer from hell is just funny/unsettling by itself. I feel like it could be directed that way. I would enjoy that.

If you choose to act on what Iancou wrote, then keep in mind that you revisions should also clarify the tone. Also, for the dialogue, is it possible to use the short amount of scenes you have to show differences in speech and tone between the three women? Would be pretty good if you could pull it off.