Your logline seems to suggest a lot of drama but hardly any of what is mentioned in it actually happens in the script. There is no mention of heroin until the end, no hints towards the addiction still being present in Darrin or Maria, Both parents have no personal or legal battles over the daughter, not hint to one either, and there is no marriage counsellor or lawyer.
Quoted Text DARRIN dumps a bag of coals into a grill. He mops his brow.
From around the corner of the house comes his daughter,
OLIVIA, eager to play. DARRIN cleans his hands, and kisses
OLIVIA on the nose. She giggles. They play with a beach
ball, ending with DARRIN tickling OLIVIA into a laughing
fit. |
This is the same sort of emotionless, boring, point formed descriptions of actions you had in your other script. You need to write it so that we the reader don't lose interest.
Where did Olivia go? Did she walk off and collapse somewhere, did she collapse on the spot, or are you using the image of the ball as a hint that something is wrong?
Quoted Text DARRIN and OLIVIA disappear behind hospital double doors. |
You had a chance for a decent dramatic moment in this scene, but then you just cut it off. I wanted some sort of idea of what the hell was going on here.
Quoted Text
Sounds from the attic, and then the kitchen make MARIA cover
the receiver of the phone |
The kitchen makes her cover up her phone? I know you mean the sounds made her do that, but why not just show the guy? There is no suspense, I don't know enough about these people so I personally didn't care that she had another man in the house so there is really no reason to try and surprise the reader.
Quoted Text DARRIN waits in front of his house |
Given the scene and what happened previously, it seems like an odd thing for him to do.
Quoted Text This house, is there an attic? |
sounds like you are forcing the story here, what reason would he have to suspect anything is in the attic?
Not sure what to make of this, like your other script, this one seems to have no beginning and no end to it. There are spelling and formatting errors all over, the action as said before needs a good overhaul, the dialogue bad in places, such as Maria's wedding photos line and Dr. Morris's attic line.
Start reading some scripts on here, get a feel for how it's written and how the stories progress.
Good luck