John - I enjoyed the story. A promising effort. I would have liked a little more payoff in terms of the ending (a bit rushed IMO). So she goes for beauty treatment and ends up donating organs. I like that - but would have liked it better if there was some irony there. For example, her organs go to a person who......??? (you decide - maybe to an unattractive person who knows that beauty is only skin deep. Maybe the entire beauty nap thing is a scam for harvesting organs for pretty rich people, etc).
Anyway - good story - I did note several areas where I thought you may want to make some style/format changes. They are:
Quoted Text A short, stocky and homely young woman with a lovely head of hair, CINDY Wilson, late twenties or early thirties stands in front of an unassuming office door.
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I would just go with CINDY (30) unless somehow the range from 20s to 30s is important.
Quoted Text Cindy hangs up the phone and goes through the door marked PRIVATE. |
I think you already got the door marked PRIVATE in the action line that preceded this one. I would just go with Cindy enters.
Quoted Text Mrs. Drake is an attractive woman dressed in a smart business suit. She sits behind a large desk. On the desk are two large flat screen computers, a phone, a vase with flowers and some papers. One flat screen computer faces towards her, the other faces outward, towards the single seat in front of Mrs. Drake’s desk.
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A little long on the description here. I would break it up and get rid of some unneeded words (“is, “woman”, etc.). E.g.,
Mrs. Drake, attractive, dressed in a smart business suit sits behind a large desk that contains two large flat screen computers, a phone, a vase with flowers and some papers.
One flat screen computer faces towards her, the other faces outward, towards the single seat in front of Mrs. Drake’s desk.
Quoted Text Mrs. Drake rises and greets Cindy.
MRS. DRAKE Please come in and be seated.
She motions in the direction of the chair in front of her desk. |
I think it would be more efficient to combine the two action lines into one. Like this:
Mrs. Drake rises - motions in the direction of the chair in front of her desk.
MRS. DRAKE
Please come in and be seated.
Quoted Text MRS. DRAKE (CONT’D) This is your final your preprocedural consultation |
I think you have an extra “your”
Quoted Text ... Cindy interrupts. |
You don’t need this.
Quoted Text MRS. DRAKE “Be all you can be -- only better?”
CINDY Yes, that’s it -- “Be all you can be, only better.” |
Unless they are reading something – you don’t need the quotations.
You use “(small beat)” throughout. It becomes a distraction. Avoid them if you as they are generally not needed – or at least replace them with something more interesting. For example:
Quoted Text MRS DRAKE Our Financial Department has completed an assessment on the value of this property. (small beat) Sadly, the sale of this property WILL NOT cover the total expense of your procedures and recovery. (small beat) You will need more money.
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Could be:
MRS DRAKE
Our Financial Department has completed an assessment on the value of this property.
(looking at deed)
Sadly, the sale of this property WILL NOT cover the total expense of your procedures and recovery.
(sternly)
You will need more money.
But again – I don’t think you need the beats at all.
Quoted Text Cindy is shocked.
Cindy is lost in thought.
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Not a fan of this type of description. Find a way to put those things in dialogue or action.
Anyway - nice effort here. I enjoyed it.