G.U.I.L.T. by Zara & Xavierie - Series, Drama - Welcome to a world where fun and games are sardonic and deadly, 9413. The key to survival - Never underestimate your opponent! For what one does under pressure, is the unveiling of what one's truly like...G.U.I.L.T.  56 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi writers,

Something is very off with your formatting. The lack of 'spaces' is messing with my eyes and you have 'spaces' where they don't belong. You need to explain in your slugs if we are EXT. or INT., this is basic stuff.

Those big blocks of paragraphs to start your story are a major turnoff. I'd suggest breaking it up a bit. 56 pages is barely a feature, and kinda too long for a short.

Some of your action blocks read from the characters minds -- try changing that. Show the reactions more and the ending could work smoother.

Hello writers,

I also popped this one open.  Tony is correct on his comments, but he didn't realize this is a pilot episode for TV so the length is okay.  It's okay until you trim all the unnecessary elements, unfilmables, write only what we can see not what they feel.

Your character introductions aren't correct and are VERY specific.  I mean, you tell us some of the minor characters have "honey blonde hair" and they are "5 foot 6".  Is that necessary to the story?  I don't think so.  Tony's also correct about your spacing and basic sentence structure.  It may be because you've used either Word or some other program to format.  I suggest Trelby or Celtx which are free.

On page 11, you have a bunch of description in all caps.  It's things like that, basic editing, that needs to be done before putting your work up for review.  Make it the best you can, look at other TV pilot scripts (a bunch here on SimplyScripts including pro scripts) which should help guide you.

Keep the description / action blocks to a MAXIMUM of 4 lines.  If you can't do that, it's probably over-written.  You may have a good story here, but it was hard to get past some of these things.  Most would've stopped on page one.

Fix these things and as many others as you can then put up an updated version.  Then I'll take a look again.

Good luck.

Good job Matthew loved it.

I may try that with a few of my scripts. Fresh email, new handle, even a new IP if I feel like it, then go around commenting on how great all my scripts are.

There are so many issue on the first page I did not move forward. They included:

- typos
- spacing issue (several instances of no space between the end of one sentence and the start of another.
- Incorrect Character introductions.
- passive vs. active voice.
- Unnecessarily long and confusion action blocks.

Your first page is what keeps readers from moving forward or dumping out. In this case, it really needs a lot of clean up.

Even if intended as a pilot, 40-45 pages per hour would be the normal, This work would be 1.25 hours so chopp chopp :)

Quoted from Matthew Adiotomre That's a heavy accusation you just threw my way Dustin.  I did not write this script, but I did enjoy it. Yes there are defiantly problems with the script and formatting, but the story is actually there. I'd know because I read this and the two other installments the author wrote but deleted.  I joined this discussion forum a couple of days ago with the soul purpose of commenting and encouraging the author to continue writing for this series, because I really want to read what happens next. Nothing more. Your pretentious attitude is quite sickening.

Why are the problems with the script and formatting so defiant, do you think?

Quoted from Matthew Adiotomre I like how that's the one thing that you took from my whole comment.

Oh. I thought it might have made you a little angry.

Quoted Text Whether you agree with me or not truly is not my concern.

If you say so.

Quoted from Matthew Adiotomre I would love to know why you even felt the need to accuse me of that.

It wasn't a need.

Quoted Text You're not even man enough to acknowledge your baseless accusation.

It's not baseless.

Quoted from Matthew Adiotomre I would love to know why you even felt the need to accuse me of that.

You two need to cut it out.

Dustin finds it suspicious, Matthew, that your only post sings the praises of an odd little script that, at first glance, appear unwarranted.  But he has not read the script -- perhaps it is great -- nor does he have solid proof of his claims.

It is very true that sometimes an author posts glowing "reviews" of their own work.  But it is also true that appearances can be deceiving.  Hey, it happens.  Sometimes a script just speaks to someone, for whatever reason.

I have been made the fool more than once, Dustin, by making such accusations without solid evidence to back it up.  Just saying.  Sometimes it is clear what is going on, but sometimes not so much.

I would ask both of you to please stop cluttering this author's thread, thanks.

I am appreciative of the viewership towards this script.In regard to all the criticism, your counsel is duely noted,esteemed and humbling.thank you.