Trinkets by Michael Priester - Short, Drama - Short drama, romance about a man who fell in love but wouldn't do the one thing his girlfriend asked...listen. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Michael, took a quick read, a few thoughts - just my opinion of course.

1) The script starts with a passive voice, A YOUNG MAN is walking towards a house, would be better as A YOUNG MAN walks towards a house.
2) There are some typos that detract from the read, e.g. proceeds to talk up the stairs AND and outs in the box AND He each one one by one slowly
3) Bottom of page 1 ends with 'Note' - note what?
4) It's a little unclear what's happening with the whole watching himself element.
5) Is Jessie the Girlfriend? You need to stick to one naming convention for the characters and personally I would use real names.

I got to the end and nothing really had happened and it just sort of stopped. It needs and end to give it some punch and explain why we car that they broke up.

Anthony

I read this cause your logline intrigued me, especially for what is essentially a micro short. I've not so far been able to write one so I'm always on the lookout for a goody.

Unfortunately I can't really add too much to what Anthony has said. This just left me utterly confused. What happened? What's happening with the box at the beginning? I actually want to know. Bit of clarity would be good. Perhaps this is a good idea but at the moment I can't tell. And the 'note' at the end indicates to me perhaps you posted this too soon and had more to write?

Michael,

Good comments are like charms.  Gather them in.

I echo the other posters.  This one is confusing at best.  I get that this guy has kept trinkets from his former girlfriend, and as he looks at them, he remembers somethign about them.  But there are too many guys in the room and with the girl--at least it seemed that way to me.

The idea isn't bad.  But confusion is the last thing you want to place in a reader's mind.  

Best
Richard