Soccerrock by Kris Klassen - Action, Adventure - A retired pro soccer player from the United States has his career resurrected to help the British Secret Service capture an elusive terrorist cell and Kris Sanderson is also reunited with Dead Egypt, the world's most famous heavy metal band.    101 pages - pdf, format 8)

Your logline is quite a mess, there might be an interesting idea in there but chop it down so that it's digestible. What's the selling point? He's a retired soccer star? He's working with the Secret Service? Who cares about Dead Egypt? How does this link back to the terrorist cell? WHAT'S GOING ON!

I scanned through your first few pages. I will say that the "main character waking up and the audience seeing his daily routine" is a cliche that's been done a million times before, I would switch that up.

I also looked at the dialogue, and it's SUPER expository and on-the-nose. Try to be more subtle, people don't talk like this in real life.

Just my suggestions. Good luck!

kris,

Josh is right. The logline is awkward to read. Who cares about a band in the script? it's not what the story is about so drop it.

I took a look at this. The old waking up to an alarm clock montage morning routine is cliche as Josh explained. it's not terrible it's just been done a million times; try and think up something really clever. Easier said then done.

Your protagonist is quite pedestrian. Things happen to him, everyone else has an answer for him. He is getting a free pass through the script. He's just boring as he's written.

Your restaurant scene goes on for way to long. it starts on pg3 and ends on pg12. Granted, there are some flashbacks jammed in there. You can easily cut this scene to just one page by axing all the fluff.

From what I've read of your script, about 15 pages of it I can say there is too much exposition and OTN dialogue. an example from page 6 :

                                                      KRIS
                                   I’m not following you at all.I
                                          don’t get any of this.


There are times when OTN dialogue is called for but this is few and far between, avoid it all together. Be subtle. Characters can say one thing but mean another. Subtext is one of the most important things in a screenplay IMO.

I would go back and re-work it. Tighten up those scenes. This is just my honest opinion, I am just another fellow aspiring screenwriter trying to find my own way. Take it as you will.

Good luck with it.

Best,

Lono

Cool! As seen on today's scriptshadow!

I agree that logline is a jumble of ideas but I love the title! And I agree with your point about the popularity of soccer and how there hasn't really been a grown-up film about it. Shaloin Soccer is the closest I can think of.

I'll make a suggestion about the pages themselves. It does read a little dry- which is not the worst thing a script can be - but if that's the case it should at least read quick.

Like this bit,

"INT. BUS – DAY
Kris sits down on the nearly empty bus and puts his headphones on to listen to some music."

should be more like

Kris, headphones on, sits in a near-empty bus.
or
Kris sits in the near-empty bus, listening to headphones.

We don't need to see him go through the process of sitting down or putting headphones on. That's boring, so skip it. The fact that he's sitting and listening already tells us he sat down and put them on. We don't need to see it. And we already assume people wear headphones "to listen to some music" so you can cut that line altogether. I'd go through the script and see what other sentences can be shortened like that.

Quoted from gridlockd "INT. BUS – DAY Kris sits down on the nearly empty bus and puts his headphones on to listen to some music." should be more like Kris, headphones on, sits in a near-empty bus. or Kris sits in the near-empty bus, listening to headphones.

If the Slug is "BUS", why would you be repeating "bus" again in the opeing line?

I always get a laugh when peeps throw out completely incorrect advice.

Quoted from Dreamscale If the Slug is "BUS", why would you be repeating "bus" again in the opeing line? I always get a laugh when peeps throw out completely incorrect advice.

Fine. Even better. Shorter still. That's why I said "more like" instead of "exactly like."

Sentences as short as possible was my point and I don't think that's completely incorrect advice.

It's not so much about short sentences as it is saying what you need to in as few words as possible. It's like that with all writing disciplines. There's no point making a sentence shorter if it actually omits information.

I don't see anything wrong with somebody placing earphones on after they sit down, it's quite  a common thing to do. It may be quicker to show him already seated... yet one could take this moment to show us something of his character. The way people get onto a bus says a lot about them. Are they downstairs, or the braver upstairs type? If upstairs do they confidently stride to the back or do they shuffle to the front without looking to the back?