Quoted from eldave1 This is in the wrong area (should be comedy - not drama) - I probably screwed up the submission - working on getting it fixed. |
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Quoted Text The only thing actually that does annoy me a little is the use of RESIDENTIAL HOME in the slug, it seems a little too impersonal considering how many times it is used. I also had to double take on it because I thought at first it was like a care home or something. Not oo much of an issue though. |
Quoted Text Is this lengthy explanation as to how youtube works really necessary? Most people know how the internet works these days. It's fine to have the joke where the mother doesn't know, but I think that perhaps Sarah's troubles at the moment override the need for this explanation. I think Sarah shouting something like. "Because that's how the internet works Mom!" and maybe even leaving the mother without a full explanation would be best. I do like the viral line though, but I think this should stand on its own. Then have Sarah only realise that once she says it. Just one way around it. For me the lengthy explanation doesn't work and I imagine most viewers would zone out at that point. Not that they wouldn't come back again... but, I could be wrong. It's up to you decide what happens in your world. |
Quoted Text This dialogue kinda explains about the strangers viewing the video and by this comment alone, Mom should pick up why this Youtube video is a bad thing. You could throw in an extra line from Mom here, like a shocked "Ohhhh." as it finally sinks in. Not sure if that works exactly, but you get my point. |
Quoted Text I knew this was coming so I'm not sure I like it signposted so obviously. I like the idea that I figured it (Aaron having a thing for Sarah) all out by myself without needing to be told... but then you tell me and I'm like... yeah, I already know. Personally, I'd end it there with her slamming the door on him. His face can say all of that anyway. I think you could trust the actor on this one. |
Quoted Text A lot of people may call the above a tell, but I like it. If I was a director reading that, I'd see it as a possible montage of her watching this video over and over again, getting angrier and angrier. Far simple to write what you have here than go into all the jargon necessary to show a montage. |
Quoted Text I think there's an opportunity here to ramp up the comedy a little, especially with Josh, he's the film's clown. He could attempt to throw the weed out of the window, as he does so he could still fall into the pizza but I'd rather it ended up stuck to his face, the weed could also land all over like an extra topping. So if it was the cops, he'd have been caught anyway. |
Quoted Text He's a stoner. Maybe a quick, "What video?" before he remembers and then gives away he hasn't even tried yet by his vacant look. Then he tries to log in but doesn't know the password. I think we could see that and actually make that the point of this scene along with the no phone reception thing. |
Quoted Text I'm at 48 or 49 and only now is Sarah getting around to the revenge thing, we're half way into the film. I agree that it should come in the second act but perhaps the first part of the second act would be better. I notice there are over 100 pages in this and most romcoms I've seen usually run for no longer than 90 minutes. Some can run for 85 even. I think there are areas that can be cut, that don't really serve to move the story forward that would result in this beat naturally falling sooner. Completely up to you though, we're individuals, if we all wrote the same way what a boring world it would be. |
Quoted Text Not really feeling the scene with the priest. Is it necessary? |
Quoted Text It's a good romcom, it has its own angle and aside from a little pacing issue, I feel, it's pretty much done and ready to go. I'd suggest checking out companies that make these type of films and getting it out there. I think you could up the comedy ina couple of places, but over all it does exactly what you want it to. Any suggestions would be a matter of personal taste and any director or producer involved in this will have their own input. They may feel the pacing is spot on and that less comedy is required. As a story this works. It's what I like to call a viable first draft and the success of this script does not rely on rewrites but a simple case of finding the right person to make it. |
Quoted from DustinBowcot I think I'm just averse to characters talking to themselves. I've never liked seeing it in a script and I don't think it looks right filmed. I think you already do an excellent job of showing it with subtext that to blatantly put it out there and with a character talking to himself... it ruined it for me. Just by he looking at the compass and checking out the description, his face would say it all. I dunno... can you think of an instance in a film where the character talks to themselves and it works? |
Quoted from DustinBowcot Yeah, I thought of Sexy Beast as soon as I'd written it, but again, different context. For me a character talking to themselves is usually the equivalent of characters thinking to themselves in a novel. Only in a screenplay we tend to want to vocalise those thoughts. But we must resist. We wouldn't have the character talking to themselves in a novel, there's no need as we can convey what they're thinking anyway. Unfortunately in a screenplay, all we have is subtext. To go the talking to themselves route is cheating in my opinion... unless you can make it work. But generally, I think we should avoid it. Anyway, I hope you get some more reads on this and, for anyone reading, I can recommend Dave as an excellent reviewer and story analyst, so return reads will be well worth anyone's while. |