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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  Out Of Character
Posted by: Don, April 16th, 2015, 6:32pm
Out Of Character by R. E. McManus - Short - Jack longs to write something different... Something more...  9 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: DanC, April 17th, 2015, 12:33am; Reply: 1
Well, that was cute.  I just finished it.

I think it was inventive to a point, but, I think you need to carry it further.  The story was pretty easy to follow, tho I think there might be a mistake or 2 later in the script, like when he's in the bathroom.

I hope you rewrite it and have some fun taking this even further.

Good luck
Dan
Posted by: RichardR, April 17th, 2015, 1:04pm; Reply: 2
R

Thank god comments don't come back to life.  Read with a friend.

This works on many levels.  Having a character come to life is nothing new, but you handled it well.  Ken doesn't like what he is, so he forces a better character.  I like how it goes back and forth, and if you can invent a few more reversals, you'll have a nice work.  

Best
richard
Posted by: rendevous, April 18th, 2015, 6:50am; Reply: 3

Quoted from DanC
Well, that was cute.  I just finished it.


Well thank you, DanC. Hang on, cute? I'd have preferred 'astonishing' or 'stunning', or maybe 'inspiring'. How about 'breathtaking'. Oh yes, I like that one.

Oh well, I'll take 'cute'. It's better than what they called me down the pub last night. I know for a fact I was born in wedlock. And I've never done that to a goat.


Quoted from DanC
I think it was inventive to a point,


To a point? Surely you mean a plank. Hmm, that sounded much better in my head.


Quoted from DanC
... but, I think you need to carry it further.


Maybe. I tried a few different things before this version. With the story, I mean. I don't take drugs. I never knew that bag was in my car, officer. This isn't even my car. Oh dear.


Quoted from DanC
  The story was pretty easy to follow,


That's a blessing. Some think I often go off on tangents. Like that time I was on holiday with the ice creams and that small man with the limp. He assured me that wasn't a euphemism. I have my suspicions.


Quoted from DanC
... tho I think there might be a mistake or 2 later in the script, like when he's in the bathroom.


Really? Hang on, I'll go and have a look...

Er no. I can't see any. This might be like the time I lost my trousers in Hull. They were right there in the policeman's hand just across the street.  


Quoted from DanC
I hope you rewrite it and have some fun taking this even further.


I might. It would depend on how things go in court.


Quoted from DanC
Good luck
Dan


Many thanks, Dan. I'll probably need good luck. My lawyer is hopeless. He keeps going on about his tortoise and Carrie Fisher. I can't yet make the connection. Mind you, the night is still young.

R
Posted by: alffy, April 18th, 2015, 2:45pm; Reply: 4
Hey rendevous,

Think you may have a typo on page 5 as it reads kinda odd. 'so why've I got a got a mouthful of broken gravestones'?

SPOILERS!!!!

I got to say I really enjoyed this.  It flowed really well and pretty funny too.  I wasn't sure how you were going to end it but the doorbell left it open to interpretation...is Jack asleep or has someone else turned up?  Well that's how I saw it anyway.

Overall, a great little piece of work.  Well done, bud.
Posted by: DS, April 18th, 2015, 4:47pm; Reply: 5
Ah, I've missed reading your posts, ren.

I very much enjoyed the script, too. Fun light read. The characters were great, particularly Ken, and the exchanges entertaining.

But I do think the script lost some spice as Jack went to the toilet. The dialogue doesn't feel as witty from there onward and the toilet plot point feels like an easy way out; you could find something more creative and effective for the showdown to fit the witty-ness of the rest of the script. I'd recommend adding a few more pages for that part of the script.

Also: The logline doesn't really fit the story, does it?

Ken mentions that Jack has went to the toilet multiple times. Wouldn't he have been planning and know where the eye pencil is by now then instead of frantically searching through the cabinets, if so?

I'd try and contain their game of wits to the screen. There wasn't much reason for the pages to be printed out other than advancing the plot imo and the words magically moving from paper to screen directly was a little too out there for me.

Great ending, anyway. Thanks for the fun read, good luck with this.
Posted by: rendevous, April 19th, 2015, 3:34am; Reply: 6

Quoted from RichardR
R

Thank god comments don't come back to life.  Read with a friend.


Eh? Oh. For a moment there I thought you were issuing a threat. I see now you weren't. Sometimes I'm easily confused. At least that's what I tell people when they ask me to leave the premises.


Quoted from RichardR
This works on many levels.  


I wrote it in the attic.


Quoted from RichardR
Having a character come to life is nothing new, but you handled it well.  


Indeed, thank you. I like Ken and Jack. I wouldn't be inviting them round for tea and biscuits, but I do like watching them, so to speak.


Quoted from RichardR
Ken doesn't like what he is, so he forces a better character.  I like how it goes back and forth, and if you can invent a few more reversals, you'll have a nice work.  

Best
richard


Many thanks, Richard. Glad you enjoyed it. If you or anyone else who read wants a specific return read then PM me with details. I'll try to be slightly more serious than usual when reviewing.

R
Posted by: rendevous, April 20th, 2015, 8:18am; Reply: 7

Quoted from alffy
Hey rendevous,

Think you may have a typo on page 5 as it reads kinda odd. 'so why've I got a got a mouthful of broken gravestones'?


Well spotted that man. I fixed that.

It's just like my hair. I spend ages looking at it and fixing it and playing with it. My hair that is. On my head, by the way. Anyways, I spend ages fiddling with it, my hair again...

Oh, where was I? I think I was trying to compare proofreading and fixing my hair. It wasn't the best idea in the first place. Maybe it's like bricklaying. You spend ages building a wall, then realise you haven't left space for a window... No, that doesn't work either. How about dentistry. You spend ages brushing... Ooh no.

Hmm, back to my hair. It's as lovely as my cheeks. I would qualify that, but it'd take all the fun away.  

Anyways, I fixed it. The typo. Moving on...


Quoted from alffy
SPOILERS!!!!


Spoilers? Steady there...


Quoted from alffy
I got to say I really enjoyed this.  It flowed really well and pretty funny too.  I wasn't sure how you were going to end it...


I've censored you there. For those desperate to know what happens I strongly recommend you read the script. It's great! Someone has to plug this stuff.

I suppose I really should comment on your comments. I know this seems a radical idea for me. But I'll try anything once. Except for homesexuality and morris dancing. Not that there's anything wrong with those. For each their own. On second thoughts... that morris dancing is disgusting.

I wasn't sure how I was going to end it either. My script I mean. I wasn't talking about anything else this time. I quite like the end. Ooh, I see I stopped you mid thought.


Quoted from alffy
... left it open to interpretation...is Jack asleep or has someone else turned up?  Well that's how I saw it anyway.


You can read it like that. That was one of the ideas for it. There's a couple of ways you can see it. Yours is one of the better ones.


Quoted from alffy
Overall, a great little piece of work.  Well done, bud.


Thanks very much, Alffy. Glad you liked it.

Not sure you needed the 'little' in there. Try 'electric', or 'hugely important' , or even ' knocks William Goldman into a cocked hat.'

With scripts like this I'm trying to write things that would be relatively cheap and easy to film. You'd just need decent actors and someone who can point a camera in the right direction.

Obviously there's a bit more to it than that. I suppose really there's a truckload more to it than that. I'm just trying to stay away from the big budget and cast of thousands type stuff. Unless I come up with something worth a big budget.

R
Posted by: khamanna, April 20th, 2015, 12:25pm; Reply: 8
Hey Rendevous,

This one resembles Stranger Than Fiction but you surely know that.

The ending - what happened? Ken killed Jack? I didn't get the ending.

The rest of it I really liked. Ken is a funny character and the twists in it are very good.
Posted by: TonyDionisio, April 20th, 2015, 1:08pm; Reply: 9
I want to know who was at the door and what happened, plz.
Posted by: alffy, April 20th, 2015, 2:33pm; Reply: 10
Overall, a hugely gigantic and colossal piece of work...in just 9 pages.

Is that better, R? ;) lol
Posted by: rendevous, April 20th, 2015, 8:07pm; Reply: 11

Quoted from alffy
Overall, a hugely gigantic and colossal piece of work...in just 9 pages.

Is that better, R? ;) lol


Not bad. You failed to mention the dynamics of its social importance. And the fact it makes Orwell's 1984 look like Beatrix fecking Potter.

If only.

However I do admire adjectives like 'gigantic' and 'colossal'. I suppose there should be a knob gag here, or something about my trousers being missing. But to do so would be tactless. Probably.

R
Posted by: TonyDionisio, April 20th, 2015, 8:38pm; Reply: 12
or, we can lite the town on fire and blow the smoke up your butt :P
Posted by: Dustin, April 21st, 2015, 3:35am; Reply: 13
Interesting story and concept. I liked it. Like Dan though I think it could do with more... but then, perhaps, an ordinary viewer may not understand all of the jokes, so you're probably very close to perfect with this.

Reminds me a little of a comedy version of The Dark Half by Stephen King. Perhaps reading that, or maybe even watching the film may give you some pointers on where else to take this -- if anywhere at all.

Nice job.
Posted by: rendevous, April 22nd, 2015, 7:27am; Reply: 14

Quoted from DS
Ah, I've missed reading your posts, ren.


Ooh, you're encouraging. I'll get the biscuits out. Now, if only you were a lady, we could flirt online and get watched by pervy spies. Isn't the modern world wonderful? Damn you Snowdon, before you we only suspected it.


Quoted from DS
I very much enjoyed the script, too. Fun light read. The characters were great, particularly Ken, and the exchanges entertaining.


Many thanks, glad you liked it. Something tells me you're buttering me up though. Not literally, obviously. That type of thing costs cold hard cash. I heard the place down the road got closed after that raid last week. Not that I'd know anything about that type of thing.


Quoted from DS
But I do think the script lost some spice as Jack went to the toilet.


Hmm, not sure about the use of 'spice' and 'toilet' in such close proximity. Might give me ideas.

Well, at that point things had to change and I wanted to up the ante.

I take your point though. But I think it would depend on how the actors played it. For instance, when they fight it's intended to be more like humourous, more like kids fighting than grown men going at it. I probably could have phrased that last bit better. Still, I'll have the gays on my side. They can give me some fashion tips. My intention was for more of a dark comedy.


Quoted from DS
The dialogue doesn't feel as witty from there onward and the toilet plot point feels like an easy way out; you could find something more creative and effective for the showdown to fit the witty-ness of the rest of the script. I'd recommend adding a few more pages for that part of the script.


Ooh I don't know. I'll have a look at it with this in mind.


Quoted from DS
Also: The logline doesn't really fit the story, does it?


Hmm, no it doesn't. I'm not a fan of loglines. I'd rather listen to a Nigel Farage speech than write a logline. And I can't Farage. I just tried to write a logline that might make people read. A few did, so it didn't go so bad.


Quoted from DS
Ken mentions that Jack has went to the toilet multiple times. Wouldn't he have been planning and know where the eye pencil is by now then instead of frantically searching through the cabinets, if so?


Like his pencil, Jack isn't the sharpest. If memory serves, Ken said "Again? You're like an old lady." This could mean he went only once and Ken's whining, whilst humming Hound Dog. Badly.


Quoted from DS
I'd try and contain their game of wits to the screen. There wasn't much reason for the pages to be printed out other than advancing the plot imo and the words magically moving from paper to screen directly was a little too out there for me.


A tad harsh. Plus it's a fantasy. Ken's rewriting his character. These pages being pumped out, if you pardon the phrasing, would me a lot to Ken. They're the new him.


Quoted from DS
Great ending, anyway. Thanks for the fun read, good luck with this.


I thank you. Some good points, and I always enjoy your posts. Let's form a mutual appreciation society. There's just one rule: trousers on, no matter what.

R
Posted by: MarkRenshaw, April 22nd, 2015, 10:23am; Reply: 15
Hey Rend. For some reason typing 'Hey Rend' made me think of Stimpy saying 'Hey Ren' so I'm already off to a good start.

Typing as I read and breathing as I type - I always forget to do one of those.

The logline doesn't seem like a logline to me but my perk is interested.

The first slugline is a bit confusing. Is it a house, is it an office? Maybe they should fight it out? I take it you mean a Study? That's what we call it round my neck of the woods anyway.

I'm guessing early on that what Jack is typing is coming true. This doesn't spoil things for me, I'm just having a guess.

Hahah! Ken sticking the gun up Jack's nostril made me lol. As did Jack looking at his balls.

Yes I was right about Jack creating Ken via the power of his PC! *Pumps Fist In Air*  I want a prize!

I like how Ken is complaining about how Jack has characterised him and Jack is trying to defend his decisions.

So I get to the end and I'm kinda enjoying what I'm reading and wanting more which is good but not feeling totally satisfied which isn't as good as kinda enjoying.

An authors words coming to life isn't exactly new but that isn't a problem. What itches me here we don't have any explanation for this miracle and Jack seems to accept it quite quickly.

There's good humour involved and loads of potential for fun but it's like you've popped the genie back in the bottle after the first wish. I guessed that Jack would write his way out of the situation and it seemed too convenient that Ken would also work this out and counter-write a solution.

I'm not sure what happened at the end, was that another character turning up?

Overall, very enjoyable. I just think there's more fun to be had and more scenarios you could slip in there all authors would identify with.

-Mark
Posted by: eldave1, April 22nd, 2015, 11:28am; Reply: 16
First - I quite liked this. Crisply written plus interesting story line. A couple of minor suggestions.

Twice in the first page you reference something that can be seen on the computer screen. Specifically:


Quoted Text
He stares at the screen, at the last words he’s written, as
the cursor blinks back at him.


and


Quoted Text
His hand bumps the mouse. The computer screen wakes up to
reveal the last words he typed.


The last words are never actually seen anywhere in the script so I could not figure out why is was important for us to know that Jack saw them. i.e., if the last words were - the doorbell rings.... or maybe the title of his/yours screenplay (Out of Character) than I get it. Anyway - I kept wanting to see what the last words he typed were and never did - would have liked to.  

What you have is just fine - but a suggestion on the bathrrom scene.  It was kind of a hiccup for me that Jack would take script pages into the head and that  Ken would allow it. Here is an alternate thought.

Jack goes into the head with nothing. He uses soap and water to write on the mirror. Comes out - Ken's on the floor. As he stares at Ken - the writing on the mirror starts to fade - Ken comes back to life.

Just a thought

I did enjoy this very much. You have great style.

Posted by: rendevous, April 23rd, 2015, 6:42am; Reply: 17

Quoted from khamanna
Hey Rendevous,


Hey Khamanna. Every time I see your name I hear the Mahna Mahna song from The Muppets. Boop boo de de doo. Is it just me? Oh. You'll all be at it now.


Quoted from khamanna
This one resembles Stranger Than Fiction but you surely know that.


Erm no. Don't know that one. So I looked it up. Ah, it stars Will Ferrell. I have been told about it though.

Back then I used to avoid Will Ferrell films almost as much as Adam Sandler's efforts. Now I don't think he's so bad. Ferrell, not Sandler. Let's not get silly. So I might watch it.


Quoted from khamanna
The ending - what happened? Ken killed Jack? I didn't get the ending.


Oh dear. As the two are still talking at the end it seems highly unlikely Jack is dead.

Not sure why don't understand what happened. I thought it's pretty clear. They're fighting then the door bell rings. Beyond that is up to the reader.


Quoted from khamanna
The rest of it I really liked. Ken is a funny character and the twists in it are very good.


Indeed they are. Glad you enjoyed it. The twists make Fight Club look like Coronation Street.

Now I'm off to watch the Muppets. I mean the actual muppets. I'm not going to a football match or anything. Insert the team of your choice in the previous sentence.

R
Posted by: khamanna, April 23rd, 2015, 10:05am; Reply: 18
Hey Ren, you avoid Will Ferell? So you neveer watched Old School? Never?
Get on it - you're missing out. Ask anyone else if you do not trust me.

And give me a link to that song.
Posted by: rendevous, April 23rd, 2015, 6:59pm; Reply: 19
We'll discuss Ferrell later.

In the meantime....

Posted by: khamanna, April 24th, 2015, 3:38am; Reply: 20
Ok, thanks, I got it - there's a Russian version of the song, I knew it since I was very young. And it's quite famous - thought it was that one when read about it here.

But I really like this version:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOk-a23I4OE
Posted by: RichardR, April 24th, 2015, 5:07pm; Reply: 21
This one reminds me of an old twilight episode where an author created characters who came to life.  It's not entirely like yours, but it did make for a good little tale.

You might consider ramping up this one by adding more characters.  They  would become like a bunch of actors on a set...
'my wardrobe is all wrong
'I can't say these lines
'I want to do the action scene
'If she gets naked, so do I

You can have them squabble like hens until the author does what.....

best
Richar
Posted by: rendevous, April 25th, 2015, 8:23am; Reply: 22

Quoted from TonyDionisio
I want to know who was at the door and what happened, plz.


Oh dear, Tony. Really? I think that would be like explaining 2001: A Space Odyssey. Obviously not quite as grand, and there'd be a lot less mentions of obelisks and the like. Plus I've no monkeys to worry about. Not as far as I know.

But the principle's the same. You're supposed to get your own idea of who is at the door from what you got from the story. Or not, as the case maybe.

If I did say who was at the door I doubt it would help. Or make you think more of the story. Or me.

Then where would we be? A hole with no doors, or ladder. Or chips or snacks. Or tea. There's definitely no biscuits either. It would be like fish without chips. Salt without vinegar. Laurel without Hardy. Ant with no Dec. Skip that last one, I was getting carried away there.  


Quoted from Dustin
Interesting story and concept. I liked it.


This is more like it. Please keep going...


Quoted from Dustin
Like Dan though I think it could do with more... but then, perhaps, an ordinary viewer may not understand all of the jokes, so you're probably very close to perfect with this.


Ooh. Bloody hell. I was expecting a take down after the introductory compliment. Caught me unawares there. High praise indeed. Thanks.


Quoted from Dustin
Reminds me a little of a comedy version of The Dark Half by Stephen King. Perhaps reading that, or maybe even watching the film may give you some pointers on where else to take this -- if anywhere at all.


I don't know that one. I've read a lot of King. Looking at his bibiog... bilbiag... bibilloar.. erm, the amount of stuff he's done, I've probably only read half of it.


Quoted from Dustin
Nice job.


That's very kind indeed. After I'd written this I rented some DVDs of films with characters coming to life. None of them managed to make the story worthwhile, so I'm in two minds about extending this. We'll see.

R
Posted by: TonyDionisio, April 25th, 2015, 10:48am; Reply: 23
Mmm, still got nothing. Who was at the door and what happened when anyone else read it?
Posted by: Iancou, April 25th, 2015, 3:11pm; Reply: 24
Rendevous,

Enjoyed the story. There are a few moments that defied belief... from my perspective. Some were mentioned by other reviewers, but one I noticed might be a regional/cultural nuance. When Ken shoots Jack, nobody called the police? Now, I am one of those Yanks that lives in a gun state with alot of former and current military folks in the neighborhood. Someone fires off a shot and people will check on their neighbors to see if they're alright... and they will be armed. In larger cities here, there are stories of people minding their own business to the point of not calling for the police when someone is being murdered, but that is not the norm. I just found it odd that a shot received no attention whatsoever.

Overall, it was well written and the characters were believable. Although the dialogue seemed slightly stilted toward the end, I enjoyed the story. However, I felt that the story was not over with the ringing of the doorbell. What other character came to life? Was a neighbor checking on him afterall? Is this a small portion of a feature-length script?

I am interested in seeing where you take this.

Ian
Posted by: rendevous, April 27th, 2015, 8:39am; Reply: 25

Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Hey Rend. For some reason typing 'Hey Rend' made me think of Stimpy saying 'Hey Ren' so I'm already off to a good start.


Sadly it doesn't work with for me with 'Hey Mark'. I think I might have uttered such when I looked at myself in the mirror after someone punched me.

Neighbours can be tetchy, can't they? Yes. No, not the ones on the telly.  They're rubbish. Home And Away seems like The Godfather compared. Hmm, thinking about it, that's a bit of a stretch. Maybe Godfather 3.

I never watched them. Ren and Stimpy I mean. Not the frisky newlywed neighbours over the road. They keep shutting the curtains. Which is probably just as well for everyone.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Typing as I read and breathing as I type - I always forget to do one of those.


Yes. My scripts can have that effect on people. You should also have spare trousers. Just in case. And some tissues. No, not for that.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
The logline doesn't seem like a logline to me but my perk is interested.


Raising your perk was always an ambition. I mean that in a general sense, we won't be holding hands. Well, buy some flowers and chocolates and you never know your luck.

Anyways, regarding the logline, my work is done. Plus it saves me spoiling my plotting. And going to the trouble of writing of a proper one.

Writing them always feels like filling in a form for some organisation who cares not one jot if I live or die.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
The first slugline is a bit confusing. Is it a house, is it an office?


Oh stop it Mark. It's not the fifties when everybody was in black and white and wore slippers and nobody swore. People often have offices in their houses these days. It's not like he's oiling up his jetpack, now is it?


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Maybe they should fight it out? I take it you mean a Study? That's what we call it round my neck of the woods anyway.


Eh? You're jumping up and down like my libido. Maybe they should fight it out? Patience, grasshopper.

There we're back on the office. You can call it a study, if this suits you better. You can call it Jeremy if your locale dictates so.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
I'm guessing early on that what Jack is typing is coming true. This doesn't spoil things for me, I'm just having a guess.


A very good one. I see you're keeping up. Like my libido, just about.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Hahah! Ken sticking the gun up Jack's nostril made me lol. As did Jack looking at his balls.


Glad to hear it. Doing so makes it all worthwhile. I'm particularly proud of the the latter.  


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Yes I was right about Jack creating Ken via the power of his PC! *Pumps Fist In Air*  I want a prize!


It is a PC. He hates Apple as he knows iTunes is shite. I would mention child slaves digging out rare metals for them, but Jack said now is not the time or place. And let's face it, Windows ain't exactly flawless. I've got underpants that are far more reliable.

As for a prize I would send you a mug. But seeing as you've just read my script and picked up some cues I'll have to make it a couple of dog biscuits.

They're in the post. You may not think this much. My dog Elvis would beg to differ. He won't even look at me at the moment. Soon I'm fully expecting him to do that dog thing where he sits down, then drags himself forward with his front legs. I note to do this he always picks the light coloured carpet. At least it used to be.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
I like how Ken is complaining about how Jack has characterised him and Jack is trying to defend his decisions.


So do I. This is great, do keep going. Elvis will be even more upset about losing more of his biscuits at this rate. Obviously not the dead singer, I'm talking about the real thing, who is currently licking at something I wish I could. I should point out I mean mine, not his. He'll let me do that no problem, as long as I give him a biscuit.

Let's just make this perfectly clear we don't lick each other. Well, sometimes he licks my face, whether I like it or not. There, I'm glad I've cleared that up.

Oh. Um, should probably be moving on...


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
So I get to the end and I'm kinda enjoying what I'm reading and wanting more which is good but not feeling totally satisfied which isn't as good as kinda enjoying.


That's exactly what all my women say to me.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
An authors words coming to life isn't exactly new but that isn't a problem. What itches me here we don't have any explanation for this miracle and Jack seems to accept it quite quickly.


As I explain to all my women, an explanation wouldn't really help. I suspect if you got one you'd be disappointed. Much like all my women. I know this because I read their social media accounts. And the solicitors letters they keep sending.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
There's good humour involved and loads of potential for fun but it's like you've popped the genie back in the bottle after the first wish. I guessed that Jack would write his way out of the situation and it seemed too convenient that Ken would also work this out and counter-write a solution.


Ooh I don't know. I think it works as it is. I've played about with it and lengthened it, my script I mean, I wasn't talking about anything else there. Anyways, it's present form is what I think is the best. So I've stopped taking the pills. I don't they work anyway.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
I'm not sure what happened at the end, was that another character turning up?


Oh not you as well. I'd make a joke about all my women here, but I think I've flogged that one too much already.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Overall, very enjoyable. I just think there's more fun to be had and more scenarios you could slip in there all authors would identify with.

-Mark


Perhaps. Many thanks, Mark. Enjoy the biscuits. Now I have to walk Elvis, before he decides to 'ruffle' my carpet. Reminds me, I must buy some cleaning products.

R
Posted by: rendevous, April 29th, 2015, 8:34am; Reply: 26

Quoted from eldave1
First - I quite liked this. Crisply written plus interesting story line.
  

Many thanks, Eldave1. You're off to a grand start there. I do hope you keep it up. I often have trouble doing that. No. Dirty, I didn't mean that. I meant when I'm writing comments on scripts. Nothing else, ever. Not even when I'm drunk.


Quoted from eldave1
A couple of minor suggestions.
  

Ooh, alright then. Do be gentle with me. I'm just a mere slip of a thing...


Quoted from eldave1
Twice in the first page you reference something that can be seen on the computer screen. Specifically:

"He stares at the screen, at the last words he’s written, as
the cursor blinks back at him."

and

"His hand bumps the mouse. The computer screen wakes up to
reveal the last words he typed."

The last words are never actually seen anywhere in the script so I could not figure out why is was important for us to know that Jack saw them. i.e., if the last words were - the doorbell rings.... or maybe the title of his/yours screenplay (Out of Character) than I get it. Anyway - I kept wanting to see what the last words he typed were and never did - would have liked to.


Well, that's not too harsh. I'll still be able to walk fine in the morning.

Not sure why you think you didn't see the last words he typed. I'd thought I'd made it clear enough. Hang on, I'm gonna read the start of the script as it's been a while. Back soon...

Yeah. I can't see how you missed that. I might have been being a bit too subtle. But it wasn't that subtle. Not considering half the weird nonsense I usually type.

I'm wary about over directing a script. The fact is writers do this anyway in actions lines. Whatever you decide to put in the action lines is what we'll see on screen.

Regarding your example, 'The doorbell rings.' This phrase is obviously important to the script. Jack types it early on the first page. Your first quote comes immediately after this, thus enforcing the line.

The second quote is another reminder of the first. I thought showing 'The doorbell rings ' again on screen would have been overegging it.

As I say to all my women ' You can't please everybody all the time.' Recently, one of them replied 'Perhaps, but you could try and please me once before you run away quickly with your trousers in your hand.'


Quoted from eldave1
What you have is just fine - but a suggestion on the bathrrom scene.  It was kind of a hiccup for me that Jack would take script pages into the head and that  Ken would allow it. Here is an alternate thought.

Jack goes into the head with nothing. He uses soap and water to write on the mirror. Comes out - Ken's on the floor. As he stares at Ken - the writing on the mirror starts to fade - Ken comes back to life.


Hmm, I dunno about that. It's not as if Ken is as sharp as my fashion style. Or haircut. I take the point, but I think if two actors playing Ken and Jack were any good, they could easily make the scene work well. The other thing this is a comedy, so it is supposed to be a little silly.

My other thoughts on it is there's something magic about the actual words on paper. This being the case he should probably print out the pages before Ken arrives.

Hmm, I may have just talked myself into a corner there. Wouldn't be the first time. I did it last week after the pub. It's amazing how difficult corners can be to get out of when you've had a few. I was there for hours.


Quoted from eldave1
Just a thought

I did enjoy this very much. You have great style.



Nothing wrong with thoughts. I thank you for sharing and reading and commenting.

R
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, April 29th, 2015, 9:34am; Reply: 27
I liked this, easy to visualise, great tone and pace to it...

I have no issues with the ambiguous ending, but I'm English, I think we cope with such things better ;-)

Potentials twist idea, take it ot leave it dead at the side of the road as you see fit... maybe he could come out of the bathroom to find his antagonist writing the author out of the story... and they then wrestle over the keyboard...

Anyways... good luck with it.

Anthony
Posted by: Colkurtz8, May 4th, 2015, 8:58am; Reply: 28
Ren

Good to see something new from you.

“Jack lies asleep at his desk beside a lamp.”

- A nitpicky thing but was this lamp meant to be in the previous scene? I only ask because it wasn't stated before now so I got the impression that it had just appeared. Especially since you refer to it as “a” not “the”. It just feels odd that you would only mention it now, like it carries some significance...and I promise that’s it for talk about the lamp, moving on.

“Just before he turns it on the doorbell rings again.

He turns with puzzlement to the front door.”

- Did he not hear it the first time? Isn't that what woke him up?

“He sticks the barrel right up one of Jack’s nostrils”

- Ha, nice move.

“Jack backs into the room still with his hands in the air
and Ken’s gun up his nose.”

- Again, cool and amusing visual here with gun in nostril.

KEN
You put your house in the script,
had me, the bad guy, your
antagonist, turn up. So, here I
am. To antagonise.

- I'm a sucker for meta fiction and films about film making but they are very common. We've seen this conceit done many times before so I'm hoping you bring something fresh to it...reading on...

“Ken reaches into his pocket, pulls out a handkerchief.”

- Nice. Only a film character would carry a handkerchief ;)

KEN
And I ain’t too happy with the
way I look, Jackie boy. Look at
me... the hair, the waistline.
These horrible shoes. And what is
it with that tin-can of a car

- A small thing but Ken has just listed the things he is ok with concerning his character so shouldn't this line start with "I" not "and"? I’m assuming the different spellings of "Jacky/Jackie" is intentional, that would just be you being you, right ;)

KEN
Could’ve been worse. Could have
been Top Gun. So why’ve I got a
got a mouthful of broken
gravestones?

- I wonder could you reference a less obvious film than Top Gun at which to poke fun? It’s too easy. Tony Scott has made a few other candidates ripe for such cheap shots.

“I wonder you reference a less obvious film than Top Gun to poke fun at? Tony Scott made many candidates ripe for cheap shots.”

- This is cool direction to take it. You could have some funny visual touches here with Ken changing before our eyes as Jack types. I get why you kept it off screen too though.

Unfortunately, Jack's script is going to get seriously bogged down in character description by the sounds of it. It would get torn apart on the boards here ;)

“as he whispers in Jack’s ear”

- Just curious but why is Ken whispering?

JACK
Hmm, I’m not sure it’d fit.

- An unexpected and welcome moment of bravado from Jack who’s been dominated by Ken this far.

“Ken puts his hand out to stop him. Gestures to the pages
with the gun.”

JACK
It might take a little time.

LIVING ROOM

"Ken hurries across the room. He opens the bathroom door."

KEN
What are you doing with those?

JACK
I’m just gonna go through them as
I... you know. Helps me go.

- I'm confused about the above part. Jack grabs the pages on his way to the bathroom and Ken calls him on it to which Jack says it’s (the sh?t) going to take some time. I assumed he means he’ll have something to read when on the bog, don’t we all...and it seemed as if Ken took is word on that too.

However, in the next scene  you have Ken hurrying across the living room towards the bathroom, opening the door without a knock and essentially asking Jack the same question (though verbally this time, not with the gun) as to what he is doing with the pages to which Jack goes on to explain again. Why? Wasn't this established in the office as Jack was leaving when he grabbed the pages?

It doesn't make sense.

Also, why didn’t Jack lock the door given what he was up to?

Unfortunately my trouble with that moment effected my enjoyment of the last page a little bit. When Jack started to change the script with the eyebrow pencil I feared it was going to end with Ken being foiled in the most obvious of ways. Especially since Ken had been suspicious of Jack’s motives for bringing the pages into the bathroom in the first place, it would just seem a bit lame for him to be undone by such a predictable plan.

However, to your credit you flipped things nicely with the twist of having Ken doing some writing of his own which set up that classic presumed-dead-antagonist-reaching-for-the-gun-behind-the-unbeknownst-protagonist’s-back. Playing with that cliché was purely intentional I presume and it worked well.

I did wonder though as to when Ken could’ve made this change to the script. Was it while he was in the throes of his heart attack? I mean, how else would’ve known how Jack was going to kill him off? Yes, he was clearly suspicious of him bringing the pages into the bathroom and acted on it but Jack could’ve killed him off in any number of ways which could’ve negated his rewrite.

You have two versions of the script in that last scene; Jack’s version where Ken dies of a heart attack and Ken’s version where he is ok one minute after being “improved” in every way then suddenly he’s “on the floor, apparently dead” before his “hand reaches for the gun”. In other words, there are some serious continuity issues with Ken’s version. Obviously, he’s not a writer ;)

Also, who could that be knocking on the door? It’s not said that it was written into the script as it was at the beginning. Granted a lot of writing as been done by Jack with Ken peering over his shoulder but we are not told anything specific about it. On that note, I wanted to know more about the actual script Jack was writing even if it was just the broad strokes, as if he’s writing an outline or something.

I mean, the ringing doorbell makes for a neat bookend with both Jack and Ken locked in a fight but it doesn’t make much logical sense as far as I can tell, even within the skewed world of the script.

Anyway, inconsistencies aside (although I know I’m being too fussy and literal about them) this had some clever moments.  

Col.
Posted by: rendevous, May 8th, 2015, 8:29am; Reply: 29

Quoted from TonyDionisio
Mmm, still got nothing. Who was at the door and what happened when anyone else read it?


I often say 'I still got nothing'. But it's usually in the pub when I fail to retort in time to a witticism aimed at my character. The speedy barstards.

When I read it Dr Phil came on the television. I mean his programme did. He didn't get overexcited or anything. At least I hope not. It was a head and shoulders shot. The camera, I mean. Better leave that there.


Quoted from Iancou
Rendevous,

Enjoyed the story. There are a few moments that defied belief... from my perspective.


Alright Ian,

Okay. Are you sure it was mere moments? Regarding realism the whole thing is quite a stretch to be honest.


Quoted from Iancou
Some were mentioned by other reviewers, but one I noticed might be a regional/cultural nuance. When Ken shoots Jack, nobody called the police?


That's right, Ian. Nobody called the police. I'll go into why later as I sense you've got more to say about this. I say 'sense', like I'm some great mind reader, when all I did was read on a bit further then back up. Sometimes I can't look at myself in the mirror. But I soon get over it.

On this point I have to say to the people of the UK: you have our sincere commiserations. For the next five years at least. You are all in our thougths at this darkest of times. Still, at least Nigel Farage didn't get in. And Clegg's gone. Not so bad, eh? Well, obviously you'll be living in hell for another five years. Sorry about that. It wasn't my fault.



Quoted from Iancou
Now, I am one of those Yanks that lives in a gun state with alot of former and current military folks in the neighborhood.


The winter nights must fly by.


Quoted from Iancou
Someone fires off a shot and people will check on their neighbors to see if they're alright... and they will be armed.


I'm glad I don't live down your way. I've had nosey neighbours too. I used to leave banana skins around outside.


Quoted from Iancou
In larger cities here, there are stories of people minding their own business to the point of not calling for the police when someone is being murdered, but that is not the norm. I just found it odd that a shot received no attention whatsoever.


It is a film, Ian. Not a documentary. It wouldn't have suited the story.

I can see what you're saying about your own experiences. Sounds a bit like an old cowboy film. Without the horses. And with better roads, and plumbing. And without the hats. The women would dress a bit different too. Not to mention the men. Hang on, it's not really like an old cowboy film at all. I see now I didn't think through too well. Actually, I didn't think it though at all. Hmmm. Moving on...

But this is set in England. Alright, it's not PG Wodehouse's England, but it isn't round your way either. Most people in the area wouldn't even realise it was a gunshot. Most people would be getting on with their lives rather than standing by the phone with the cops on speed dial in case of a lone shot ringing out.

I doubt most people in England would know what a real gunshot sounds like. So they wouldn't recognise it even if they heard it.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Like a fat man's shirt on a hot day.


Quoted from Iancou
Overall, it was well written and the characters were believable.


Now this is more like it. I'll get the biscuits out. Do keep going...


Quoted from Iancou
Although the dialogue seemed slightly stilted toward the end,


Oh dear. And you were doing so well. I'm putting the biscuits away now. Shame, I was looking forward to another couple of custard creams. Oh well, to make up for it I'll read some praise I got earlier whilst having some cake. There's absolutely no one who can stop me.


Quoted from Iancou
I enjoyed the story. However, I felt that the story was not over with the ringing of the doorbell. What other character came to life? Was a neighbor checking on him afterall? Is this a small portion of a feature-length script?


I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's the way it is as I wanted to keep it to just two characters. I was also going to film it for a festival. But that didn't work out. I revamped it somewhat and here it is. I kinda like it as it is now.


Quoted from Iancou
I am interested in seeing where you take this.

Ian


We shall see. Many thanks for the read.

R
Posted by: stebrown, May 9th, 2015, 7:14am; Reply: 30
I enjoyed your script. It was well written, could easily picture everything that was going on and the dialogue was pretty good too.

Although the idea of a fictional character becoming real isn't too original (stranger than fiction is the first one that comes to mind) I like your take on it. I think you could take it further as I'm intrigued by who, or what, is next through the door. I think there is room for some more visual comedy with the rewriting of the Ken character, maybe Jack puts something in that Ken doesn't know about, like a huge fat arse or something? haha

Anyway, enjoyed the script and think it would work as is but there's definitely scope for more on the idea.

Cheers

Ste  
Posted by: rendevous, May 11th, 2015, 9:07am; Reply: 31

Quoted from AnthonyCawood
I liked this, easy to visualise, great tone and pace to it...


Yes. It's nearly as good a proper eclair with a decent cup of tea in front of the fire on winter's night while an old labrador lies at your feet. Christ, I'm turning into an old man. I meant obviously it's as good as a night on the tiles while being chased by stacks of women. Because they fancy me like crazy, not because I stole their handbags. And coats.


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
I have no issues with the ambiguous ending, but I'm English, I think we cope with such things better ;-)


Indeed. Glad to hear that. I'd go on about the recent election, but I'm sure you're bloody sick of it by now. It was like the end of Lost. Queue joke about the future of the UK and the skies darkening as the four horsemen grow nearer. I must remember to edit this bit later.

Interesting idea that Englishness makes you better able to deal with ambiguous endings. You may very well be right. I'll have to think about that.


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Potentials twist idea, take it ot leave it dead at the side of the road as you see fit... maybe he could come out of the bathroom to find his antagonist writing the author out of the story... and they then wrestle over the keyboard...


They kinda do that already. I guess you mean make it more up front. I'll have another look at it. There does seem to be a consensus to add to the end. I'm not quite convinced this would add, rather than detract.


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Anyways... good luck with it.

Anthony


Many thanks for the read and the comments, Anthony. Much appreciated.

R
Posted by: rendevous, May 16th, 2015, 5:20am; Reply: 32

Quoted from Colkurtz8
Ren

Good to see something new from you.


Yes. Makes a change, doesn't it? Usually it's the same old sheet, or word to that effect.

I was doing an Adele for a while there. But I found my fanbase wasn't quite as upset by my absence. So I thought I'd write another one, just to spite them.

Good to hear from you too. I see you've done a proper Sight & Sound style dissection thing here. Admirable, and appreciated. You certainly have an eye, or even two.

I'm not sure how my little mutterings will stand up under such scrutiny. I feel like I'm about to be inspected by a doctor. I do hope I don't go all floppy. Please ensure you warm your hands.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“Jack lies asleep at his desk beside a lamp.”

- A nitpicky thing but was this lamp meant to be in the previous scene? I only ask because it wasn't stated before now so I got the impression that it had just appeared. Especially since you refer to it as “a” not “the”. It just feels odd that you would only mention it now, like it carries some significance...and I promise that’s it for talk about the lamp, moving on.


You're leaving S&S in the dust there. I mention the lamp as he's gonna bang his head on it soon after. Felt a bit wrong just to say he bangs his head on it before I drew attention to it.  It may stick out out a bit in the script, but you'd see it before he clunks his head.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“Just before he turns it on the doorbell rings again.

He turns with puzzlement to the front door.”

- Did he not hear it the first time? Isn't that what woke him up?


You must be one of those people who jumps up wide awake as soon as the alarm goes off. Jack on the other hand is of not much use to anyone until he's had a cup of tea and watched the telly for at least half an hour.

He's no idea what woke him up. He would have trouble discerning his elbow from his arse until you give him a while.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“He sticks the barrel right up one of Jack’s nostrils”

- Ha, nice move.

“Jack backs into the room still with his hands in the air
and Ken’s gun up his nose.”

- Again, cool and amusing visual here with gun in nostril.


Yes. I quite fond of that myself. That'll wake him up.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
KEN
You put your house in the script,
had me, the bad guy, your
antagonist, turn up. So, here I
am. To antagonise.

- I'm a sucker for meta fiction and films about film making but they are very common. We've seen this conceit done many times before so I'm hoping you bring something fresh to it...reading on...


I too enjoy a good suck on meta fiction. Hmm, I could have phrased that better.

You want fresh? Personally I'm hoping for amusing and competent. Still, you never know.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“Ken reaches into his pocket, pulls out a handkerchief.”

- Nice. Only a film character would carry a handkerchief ;)


We obviously move in very different circles.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
KEN
And I ain’t too happy with the
way I look, Jackie boy. Look at
me... the hair, the waistline.
These horrible shoes. And what is
it with that tin-can of a car.

- A small thing but Ken has just listed the things he is ok with concerning his character so shouldn't this line start with "I" not "and"? I’m assuming the different spellings of "Jacky/Jackie" is intentional, that would just be you being you, right ;)


The 'and' business will become clearer later.

The various spellings is me just being me. I don't know if you've noticed yet, but I can be a bit of an arse. Possibly located in the lower left cheek.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
KEN
Could’ve been worse. Could have
been Top Gun. So why’ve I got a
got a mouthful of broken
gravestones?

- I wonder could you reference a less obvious film than Top Gun at which to poke fun? It’s too easy. Tony Scott has made a few other candidates ripe for such cheap shots.


They're not as well known though. I did try a few others, but it was the only film I came up with that fitted. Plus it also starred Val Kilmer, the aforementioned Elvis in Scott's True Romance. Methinks it was too good a fit to change.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“I wonder you reference a less obvious film than Top Gun to poke fun at? Tony Scott made many candidates ripe for cheap shots.”

- This is cool direction to take it. You could have some funny visual touches here with Ken changing before our eyes as Jack types. I get why you kept it off screen too though.


As you say, it'd be hard to get to work on the page. You get the idea though. An imaginative director could make it work easily enough though.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Unfortunately, Jack's script is going to get seriously bogged down in character description by the sounds of it. It would get torn apart on the boards here ;)

“as he whispers in Jack’s ear”

- Just curious but why is Ken whispering?


I think Jack could handle it. He seems to holding up reasonably well considering he's had a gun up his nose.

He was whispering to intimidate. It worked too. It also saved me having to write down all his directions to Jack.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
JACK
Hmm, I’m not sure it’d fit.

- An unexpected and welcome moment of bravado from Jack who’s been dominated by Ken this far.


The worm turns. I'm not sure Jack intended it to be quite as amusing as it turned out.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“Ken puts his hand out to stop him. Gestures to the pages
with the gun.”

JACK
It might take a little time.

LIVING ROOM

"Ken hurries across the room. He opens the bathroom door."

KEN
What are you doing with those?

JACK
I’m just gonna go through them as
I... you know. Helps me go.

- I'm confused about the above part. Jack grabs the pages on his way to the bathroom and Ken calls him on it to which Jack says it’s (the sh?t) going to take some time. I assumed he means he’ll have something to read when on the bog, don’t we all...and it seemed as if Ken took is word on that too.


Personally I don't read whilst on the throne. But I've heard many do. Seemed like a fitting excuse too. Not sure why you're confused. You seem to grasp it.

Ken's not the sharpest tool in the box. He just presumes the writer is going to review his work while he um, you know, answers nature's call. He can't see a problem with it. But we can. Or some of us can.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
However, in the next scene  you have Ken hurrying across the living room towards the bathroom, opening the door without a knock and essentially asking Jack the same question (though verbally this time, not with the gun) as to what he is doing with the pages to which Jack goes on to explain again. Why? Wasn't this established in the office as Jack was leaving when he grabbed the pages?

It doesn't make sense.


Oh yes it does. It doesn't only if you're assuming nothing has changed. But something has changed in Ken, or else he wouldn't be worried enough to knock on the door.

It wasn't established in the office, as it would have give it all away. And then where would be?


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Also, why didn’t Jack lock the door given what he was up to?


He was in a hurry. May seem a bit lame, but I've been in houses where there is no lock on the toilet.

This may lead you to question the morals of the people who invite me in. Hmm, understandable.

Anyways, it suited my purposes. Let's put it this way - if they had a lock on the toilet you'd have had at least half a page of a piddly poor sub Shining routine, which wouldn't have been much fun for anyone .


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Unfortunately my trouble with that moment effected my enjoyment of the last page a little bit. When Jack started to change the script with the eyebrow pencil I feared it was going to end with Ken being foiled in the most obvious of ways. Especially since Ken had been suspicious of Jack’s motives for bringing the pages into the bathroom in the first place, it would just seem a bit lame for him to be undone by such a predictable plan.


No it didn't. It affected it. Sorry about that, my inner pedant got the better of me.

I don't think you picked up on some of the stuff I was implying. May not have been quite clear enough. I know you read it thoroughly.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
However, to your credit you flipped things nicely with the twist of having Ken doing some writing of his own which set up that classic presumed-dead-antagonist-reaching-for-the-gun-behind-the-unbeknownst-protagonist’s-back. Playing with that cliché was purely intentional I presume and it worked well.


Ah. I see you got there. Thanks very much.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
I did wonder though as to when Ken could’ve made this change to the script. Was it while he was in the throes of his heart attack? I mean, how else would’ve known how Jack was going to kill him off? Yes, he was clearly suspicious of him bringing the pages into the bathroom and acted on it but Jack could’ve killed him off in any number of ways which could’ve negated his rewrite.


I know it's a bit late now, but I wouldn't look too closely into it. It's not The Fourth Protocol. The guy is a character from from a story, it's amazing what they can get up to when you're not watching them.

In my defence - he didn't have to type a lot and he could have done it as soon as he got an idea Jack was up to no good, from his point of view.

Jack could only negate his rewrite if he knew he what he was up to. He'd also have to know what the rewrite said, so he could do his own one-upmanship.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
You have two versions of the script in that last scene; Jack’s version where Ken dies of a heart attack and Ken’s version where he is ok one minute after being “improved” in every way then suddenly he’s “on the floor, apparently dead” before his “hand reaches for the gun”. In other words, there are some serious continuity issues with Ken’s version. Obviously, he’s not a writer ;)


Steady there, Pauline Kael. In your 'umble. Besides, that type of stuff seems to be going down very well for The Affair.

As I said to an earlier poster, the whole thing is a bit of a stretch, to be honest.

I think it works. At the moment you're coming over as someone who would sit there sneering at Back To The Future and shouting 'But it's bloody impossible! every five minutes or so. 'Eighty eight miles an hour, my arse.'


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Also, who could that be knocking on the door? It’s not said that it was written into the script as it was at the beginning. Granted a lot of writing as been done by Jack with Ken peering over his shoulder but we are not told anything specific about it. On that note, I wanted to know more about the actual script Jack was writing even if it was just the broad strokes, as if he’s writing an outline or something.


Indeed, who could it be? I thought it was just a good ending. You'd see more if it was filmed, as they'd have to show you something. It didn't suit to state straight out exactly who it could be.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
I mean, the ringing doorbell makes for a neat bookend with both Jack and Ken locked in a fight but it doesn’t make much logical sense as far as I can tell, even within the skewed world of the script.


Have you seen The Shining and Back To The Future? Neither made a lick of sense. They did work though.

I think it does make sense, even in the skewed world of the script. It's a doorbell ringing, not the appearance of a portal to another world or a huge arse appearing in the ceiling.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Anyway, inconsistencies aside (although I know I’m being too fussy and literal about them) this had some clever moments.  

Col.


That's alright, Col. Many thanks for the read. I quite enjoyed that. Hope you did too.

R
Posted by: rendevous, May 17th, 2015, 8:07am; Reply: 33

Quoted from stebrown
I enjoyed your script. It was well written, could easily picture everything that was going on and the dialogue was pretty good too.


Ste,

Many thanks. There's little else you could say that would please me better. Apart from maybe how flawless my skin is. It covers the whole of my body, you know.

Or maybe the pertness of my cheeks. No, not those ones.


Quoted from stebrown
Although the idea of a fictional character becoming real isn't too original (stranger than fiction is the first one that comes to mind) I like your take on it.


I heard about that one. I've still yet to see it, some Ferrellitis / US comedy phobia I have.

Glad you like my take on it.


Quoted from stebrown
I think you could take it further as I'm intrigued by who, or what, is next through the door. I think there is room for some more visual comedy with the rewriting of the Ken character, maybe Jack puts something in that Ken doesn't know about, like a huge fat arse or something? haha


There's an idea. I think the possibilites are endless. Probably why quite a few liked it so much.

I was gonna work on adding or changing some of this script but then this producer guy got in touch.

So, I'm pleased to announce this script got optioned the other day. So hopefully sometime soon I'll be able to post a link to the filmed version. Should be good.


Quoted from stebrown
Anyway, enjoyed the script and think it would work as is but there's definitely scope for more on the idea.

Cheers

Ste  


Many thanks, Ste. I'll get round to returning the read soon.

If I owe anyone else a read and they have anything specific in mind then do please PM me.

Thanks to all who read and commented. It is much appreciated. The producer hasn't asked me to take this thread down as of yet. So I'll leave it up here for now.

R
Posted by: DanC, May 17th, 2015, 10:32am; Reply: 34
Hey,
    Congrats on this being made.  I know I enjoyed it when I read it.  I read above about the producer not asking you to take it down yet, so, yeah, congrats.

I was gonna nominate it for STS, but, this is better.

You deserve the attention this gets.  

In other news, if you wanted to read mine, I have 2 shorts up in the "my work in progress" section.  If you're busy, I understand.

Let me know if you need anything else read.  Always happy to lend a happy hand.

Dan

Ps, my helping hand is going NOWHERE close to any cheeks!  Got it!
Posted by: Colkurtz8, May 20th, 2015, 2:09pm; Reply: 35
Ren


Quoted from rendevous
You must be one of those people who jumps up wide awake as soon as the alarm goes off. Jack on the other hand is of not much use to anyone until he's had a cup of tea and watched the telly for at least half an hour.

He's no idea what woke him up. He would have trouble discerning his elbow from his arse until you give him a while.


- Fair enough, I hate mornings. Coffee and cereal gets me going.


Quoted from rendevous
We obviously move in very different circles.


- Ha, yeah, it’s a generational thing but even my dad has stopped carrying one.


Quoted from rendevous
Not sure why you're confused. You seem to grasp it.


- No sorry, still confused here.


Quoted from rendevous
Ken's not the sharpest tool in the box. He just presumes the writer is going to review his work while he um, you know, answers nature's call. He can't see a problem with it. But we can. Or some of us can.


- Ok, I can get past the fact that Ken doesn’t suspect Jack’s plan by bringing the pages into the bog with him but my confusion is more to do with the way the scene plays out. My understanding is that Jack takes the pages and gets up to go to the bathroom. Ken gestures to them with the gun as if to say “What are you doing?” to which Jack replies, “It might take a little time.” Fine, I’m on board so far. Then in the next scene you have “Jack hurries across the room. He opens the bathroom door.” With Ken asking the same question again, except verbally this time: “What are you doing with those?” I don’t know if you have made alterations to this part since I read it but it looks as if Ken is asking this question from the office. He hasn’t moved, right? In that case Ken never enters the bathroom, he just appears to ask the same question twice, once with a gesture of the gun and another in dialogue. This jarred for me.


Quoted from rendevous
Oh yes it does. It doesn't only if you're assuming nothing has changed. But something has changed in Ken, or else he wouldn't be worried enough to knock on the door.


- Yet here you acknowledge that he does enter the bathroom without knocking so now I’m even more befuddled. Also, what has changed in Ken between now and the office? Jack hasn’t located the eyebrow pen yet so no rewriting has been done.


Quoted from rendevous
No it didn't. It affected it. Sorry about that, my inner pedant got the better of me.


- Thanks for picking up on that, I can never discern when to use one or the other and just always go with the “e” variant. Plus, your pedantry towards grammatical accuracy will hopefully help you understand my pedantry towards story.


Quoted from rendevous
I know it's a bit late now, but I wouldn't look too closely into it. It's not The Fourth Protocol. The guy is a character from from a story, it's amazing what they can get up to when you're not watching them.

In my defence - he didn't have to type a lot and he could have done it as soon as he got an idea Jack was up to no good, from his point of view.

Jack could only negate his rewrite if he knew he what he was up to. He'd also have to know what the rewrite said, so he could do his own one-upmanship.


- Ya, I can concede that my comments were over analyzing it thus I tempered them with an admission of this. Still, I believe it’s no harm to draw the writer’s attention to it as it may get them thinking of ways to tighten up or rethink certain choices. Tis better than some cu?t banging on about format, right ;)


Quoted from rendezvous
I think it works. At the moment you're coming over as someone who would sit there sneering at Back To The Future and shouting 'But it's bloody impossible! every five minutes or so. 'Eighty eight miles an hour, my arse.


- Ha, nah my main issue was how Marty could blaze straight into Johnny B Goode with only a 3 chord warm up. My implausibility meter went off the chart! Ridiculous!

Col.
Posted by: rendevous, May 22nd, 2015, 7:05am; Reply: 36
Col,

I see you've responded to my responses. Analysis of analysis. I feel like one of us should be lying down on a long couch in a darkened room with many cushions whilst a man with a slight Austrian accent probes us. With words I mean. Let's not lower the tone. Not just yet, anyway.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
No sorry, still confused here.


Oh dear. I know the feeling. Have you seen the TV remote lately? I mean recently, I don't call the TV remote 'Lately'. One time I left it in the fridge. Sorry, I meant to text that bit.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
- Ok, I can get past the fact that Ken doesn’t suspect Jack’s plan by bringing the pages into the bog with him but my confusion is more to do with the way the scene plays out. My understanding is that Jack takes the pages and gets up to go to the bathroom. Ken gestures to them with the gun as if to say “What are you doing?” to which Jack replies, “It might take a little time.” Fine, I’m on board so far. Then in the next scene you have “Jack hurries across the room. He opens the bathroom door.” With Ken asking the same question again, except verbally this time: “What are you doing with those?” I don’t know if you have made alterations to this part since I read it but it looks as if Ken is asking this question from the office. He hasn’t moved, right? In that case Ken never enters the bathroom, he just appears to ask the same question twice, once with a gesture of the gun and another in dialogue. This jarred for me.


You seem allergic to paragraph breaks. Have you been reading Jonathan Swift again? We've talked about this.

I took the liberty of bolding the key line, for those who skim. Lazy barstards. It's all right, they'll skim over this bit.

Hmm, okay. I'm gonna have a look at the script.

Back now. Apart from a typo I haven't made any alterations, so we're talking about the same thing. Regular readers will know that is probably more rare than it should be.

You recall near enough. You've never realised something a few moments later than you should have done? I do it all the time, like when I should have stopped the car instead of ploughing through that red light.

Once the police started chasing me I said to myself 'Hmm, I probably should have stopped back there.' The policemen agreed with me, once they'd broken all my windows and pinned me on the ground. The judge did too.

I think I said in an earlier post to your good self that Ken isn't the sharpest tool in the box. So to summarise, he just realises a bit later than he should have done. He did so we could have a story. If he didn't Jack would still be sat there playing with Ken's part (no, dirty) and character. I doubt you'd like that any better.

I mean if Liam had realised he should have taken better of his daughter and wife, as should Jack Bauer, then they would have saved us the trouble of avoiding all those Taken films and the pants 24 turned into.

Sorry it jarred for you. But I have the words 'mountain', 'mole' and 'bananas' coming to mind. I'm not sure why. I just had a tangerine.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
  Yet here you acknowledge that he does enter the bathroom without knocking so now I’m even more befuddled. Also, what has changed in Ken between now and the office? Jack hasn’t located the eyebrow pen yet so no rewriting has been done.


Hmm. Elvis, my dog, not the dead King, is having a great time with a bone here. He won't let go of it, even for a biscuit. Would you like a biscuit, Col?

I refer the honourable bone , sorry, I mean man, to the answer I gave earlier. Moving Swiftly Jonathan on...


Quoted from Colkurtz8
- Thanks for picking up on that, I can never discern when to use one or the other and just always go with the “e” variant. Plus, your pedantry towards grammatical accuracy will hopefully help you understand my pedantry towards story.  


Not really. I was right.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
- Ya, I can concede that my comments were over analyzing it thus I tempered them with an admission of this. Still, I believe it’s no harm to draw the writer’s attention to it as it may get them thinking of ways to tighten up or rethink certain choices. Tis better than some cu?t banging on about format, right  


I've done my own analysis and there's no 'z' in analyse, or analyzing. Especially not for an Irish lad.

I just read that back and realised what a tosser I come across as sometimes. Hmm, you can alter that final qualifier as you wish. Apologies.

Anyways, you're right about some vaginal slang banging on about format. Sometimes you have to help someone who doesn't know. But it should be about the story. Otherwise it's like inspecting the paint on a car with no fecking engine in it.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
- Ha, nah my main issue was how Marty could blaze straight into Johnny B Goode with only a 3 chord warm up. My implausibility meter went off the chart! Ridiculous!


Good point. The band picked it up the beat a bit too damn quick. Most bands would still be trying to get right the next day. Good man, many thanks. See you on the other side, of the OWC I mean. We're not dying. At least I hope not.

R
Posted by: Colkurtz8, June 13th, 2015, 7:27am; Reply: 37
Ren

I’d somehow missed this. Lucky you, eh? Until now...


Quoted from rendevous
I see you've responded to my responses. Analysis of analysis. I feel like one of us should be lying down on a long couch in a darkened room with many cushions


- Fu?k it, lie back, shut your eyes, go to your happy place. You may feel something cold and metallic...


Quoted from rendevous
You seem allergic to paragraph breaks. Have you been reading Jonathan Swift again? We've talked about this.


- Stream of consciousness, brah. I’m channeling Joyce here! ;)


Quoted from rendevous
You recall near enough. You've never realised something a few moments later than you should have done? I do it all the time, like when I should have stopped the car instead of ploughing through that red light.

I think I said in an earlier post to your good self that Ken isn't the sharpest tool in the box. So to summarise, he just realises a bit later than he should have done. He did so we could have a story. If he didn't Jack would still be sat there playing with Ken's part (no, dirty) and character. I doubt you'd like that any better.

Sorry it jarred for you. But I have the words 'mountain', 'mole' and 'bananas' coming to mind. I'm not sure why. I just had a tangerine.


- Ok, I get it, just felt odd when reading it. I had Ken pegged as an idiot but it’s pushed too far here to the point of incredulousness in my opinion. The flow of that scene just doesn’t feel right to me. And hey, molehills may someday become mountains, just like rescuing all those pennies buried in the couch may someday become something beautiful, like a pint or a sandwich.


Quoted from rendevous
Hmm. Elvis, my dog, not the dead King, is having a great time with a bone here. He won't let go of it, even for a biscuit. Would you like a biscuit, Col?


- We spoke about this. You know what I like with my tea. Dunkability factor is paramount!


Quoted from rendevous
Not really. I was right.


- Hmm, I’d counter that with an equally pithy “Not really”. In regards the bathroom knocking confusion: Know thy script.


Quoted from rendevous
I've done my own analysis and there's no 'z' in analyse, or analyzing. Especially not for an Irish lad.


- That’s the glories of spell check for ya, you crusty, imperial prick. Bloody empire thinking right there.  Old Britannia casts a short shadow now, son! Labor, honor, color, neighbour, “aloominum” and “leesure”. So there!  :P

...but you’re my crusty (but benign) imperial prick so I love you all the more, sweet pea.

Now you will feel the cold, metallic sensation recede...

See, not too painful and relatively unintrusive. You can pull up your (small and long) pants now.

Col.
Posted by: LC, June 13th, 2015, 7:57am; Reply: 38
Very enjoyable banter, you two! You're both good craic when you get in the swing. ;D

P.S. I loved this script btw. Congrats too, I see it got optioned!
Posted by: rendevous, June 13th, 2015, 8:10am; Reply: 39
Imperial? Whaddya think I am, a mint?

When I was young, last year or so. Maybe a bit further back. Okay, a lot further back. Anyways I happened to frequent building sites. Cos I worked there. The Irish lads there called me plastic paddy.

And when I go to Ireland they call me a tan bastard. In Australia they just called me a pommie knobhead.

I do wonder what they would call me in the America. But I won't go, as they'd probably shoot me.

R
Posted by: rendevous, April 8th, 2016, 7:27am; Reply: 40
Now. From then I got some advice about this script from a erm, friend, shall we say. Yes we will.

Anyway, long story short this is no longer optioned. At the mo. I mean now. Sadly the second time it has been optioned and a film didn't result. Ah well, so it sometimes goes. At least it comes back.

So, any budding Lynches or Scorceses or Nolans who are looking to option this should contact me before someone else does and I let it out for another three month option. I also take cash, bad cheques, diamonds and of course, my favourite... gold bullion. Actually the only thing I have trouble taking is advice. Bit of a knobhead, you see. Sometimes, well...

Actually, you can option it for a few pints down the local, if you ask me nicely. Which is also how you get to Oldham. Please do think about that last one. Personally, I like to say it out loud in the presence, but not earshot of a nice lady. Or not.

Ahem. Where was I, oh yes. I was down the shops, and I have put up a slightly new version of the script. Minor changes as suggested by my earlier said friend.

Hope you like it. Oh yes. Don't get too excited, oh no. There's only the odd extra word and the odd missing one. Oh go on then. Dance. I will if you do.

R
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