Blood Will Tell by Manolis Froudarakis (Athenian) - Short, Drama - Michael is concerned about his fiancee's health, but she's more concerned about the blood test he wants her to have. - pdf, format 8)

Manolis,

Good comments have pedigree.  Your mileage may vary

I'm a bit confused. Claire is pregnant and does' want a blood test.  She gets her sis to take the test?  Why is that a flashback?  Sis takes test which says she has HIV, and Claire is in big trouble?  

I think that's right.  And it's a nice little comeuppance for Claire. I think you can improve this by making Susanne look a bit sick, a bit unhealthy.  That explains theHIV test.   I don't think you need the flashback.

In the U.S. HIV results are generally not sent through email.  At least, I think that's true.   But that's a small detail. And you might make Claire a bit more sympathetic if she thinks of Susanne instead of herself.  She still has a problem, but it's not HIV.  

You might think about making Michael a bit stronger, a bit more black and white. If she's not perfect he doesn't want her?  It gives her a reason for subterfuge.  Since she's smart, she can always claim it's a false positive and offer to take the HIV test again because she knows she'll pass.

Otherwise, nice job.

Best
Richard

Hi there,
    I'm reading your script and wanted to say a few things:

1.  Who is George?

SPOILERS

2.  I like the fact that we won't see Claire.  That's a good section.

3.  I like the flashback to show why her sister took the test for her.  Another good section.  To Richard, I think the writer is showing us the reason why Suzanne lied and said she was Claire.  Makes sense to me.

4.  So, Claire got pregnant from her one night stand too?

5.  Here is where you go off the rails.  I will break it down.

I have years of experience working in STD and HIV clinics, so, I know this world inside and out.
There is NO way that HIV results are sent to an email.  EVER.  And there is certainly NO WAY IN THIS WORLD THAT HIV POSITIVE RESULTS ARE EVER SENT OUT via email, ever never ever.

What happens is it takes a few days first off.  The results are run and if they are negative, the results are sent back.  IF it comes back partially negative (or a false positive) or totally positive, they are run a second time to make sure the results are correct.  That takes more then a week.

Then what happens is that person is sent correspondence if they don't show up for their test results.  They also go in the system and the health department tracks all new HIV patients.  Furthermore, HIV testing must be done with positive identification, so, unless the 2 sisters look similar, that won't fly.

Now, if the person goes for an anonymous HIV test, and they do have those, a swab is taken and then sent out.  It comes back in 2 weeks.  The clerk gives you a return notice with your specific numbers that act as your claim number.  You come back in 2 weeks, submit that number, and get your results, no problem if it is negative.

Again, any other result means that the tester tries very hard to get your name, so that you can go in the system.  

Neither way ever results in them contacting you.  Ever.  Especially if it is positive.

I also don't know if that would be his reaction.  He might think he gave it to her.  And he'd have to be tested now too.

And why would she keep it a secret since that's her sister's results.  She certainly needs to be tested and all her partners need the same.

The end needs a lot of work.

Good luck
Dan

Manolis,

I read the first line of Richards comments and he said he was confused. Glad I'm not the only one here. From the way it's written I see it as...
SPOILERS
... Susanne is the one with HIV and Claire is the one who got pregnant. But from your ending its more like Claire has the disease. Or perhaps she was trying to...  I just don't know, Manolis. I read this twice and had to go back a couple time to make sure I wasn't missing anything. Perhaps you can shed a little light on what your true intentions were with this.

Anyway, it was well written and pretty tight.

Steve

Ok, so now I see that Claire was trying to cover up the fact she was pregnant. Im sorry, man. Little slow on the uptake. So, is that supposed to mean that it is Susanne who has HIV, Michael now finds out but thinks its Claire? If that's it then I get it totally.

Steve

Manolis

Good opening scene. Natural dialogue and a good set up to get us intrigued.

SUSANNE
So, what next? Are you sure about
those abortion pills?

CLAIRE
Yeah. Since I'm only four weeks.

- I understand you need to impart this information but I wonder could it be done in a less pointed and expository way. Basically, I would take out “abortion”. I think it would go without saying for these two as no one wants to hear that word anyway. Plus, we’ll be able to glean what they are talking about from Claire’s response.

"We finally see the patient: It’s Susanne, not Claire.”

- Nice twist, I figured there was a reason why you didn’t show Claire in the previous scene but thought it might be an aesthetic choice in that you just wanted close ups since we would assume it was Claire anyway.

Not sure about the ending. It’s certainly shocking and unexpected but I dunno if I can fully get behind it. First off, Michael’s reaction is particularly unsympathetic and downright brutish. Yes, you would be freaked out, scared and angry but a bit of tact would be required too since he is under the assumption that Chaire has contracted it. Think how she feels.

Also, I feel we should learn more about Susanne since you are suggesting she has contracted HIV. That’s automatically makes me wonder how and where that could’ve occurred but we learn so little about her that it just feels very random and left of field. Could there be some hint or suggestion in Suzanne’s scene which might indicate how something like this happened?

Plus, I find it hard to believe the last shot specifically of Michael storming out and Claire wanting to come clean before she collapses on the bed in tears. Yes, the whole episode is traumatic and she has yet to really come to terms with it, probably hasn’t even contacted Suzanne yet but would she let Michael walk out like that? Surely she would pull herself together and set him straight before he went out the door to the hospital. Maybe your closing shot could be Claire getting to her feet and following him out. Just a suggestion.

Or you could end with Michael opening the email and seeing the shocking results before he turns to running shower, stunned. That way, the story is revealed, all the implications are laid out and you leave it up to us to speculate how Michael will react, what Claire will say and how she will break the news to Suzanne.

Overall, I like the idea at the centre of this, just not too keen on where you took it in the last scene.

Col.

Thanks for the comments everyone and sorry for not replying sooner.

It looks like you have figured out by now what the story was about. Just for the record: Claire doesn't want her fiance to find out that she's pregnant to another man, so she persuades Susanne to take the blood test for her. What neither of the sisters know is that Susanne has HIV. So when Michael reads the results, he thinks that Claire is the one with HIV.

- Hi Richard, thanks for the read. Now that I explained the plot, I guess you understand why I used that flashback. As for Claire's reaction, I meant to imply that she's crying for Susanne too (but perhaps I should've shown it more clearly). Finally, of course Claire can (and wants) to tell Michael that she doesn't have HIV, but apparently she can't explain why Susanne took that blood test for her.

- Hi Dan, thanks for taking the time to write a detailed review. I'm thinking of turning the script into a black comedy by replacing HIV with a less serious STD - ideally, with one that could be texted to the patient. ;) Thanks for all the valuable information though.

George is supposed to be just some colleague of Claire, that Michael knows too. I didn't think it necessary to give more information. As for Michael, he is certain that he's not the one who transmitted HIV to Claire. For one thing, he was away for three months. But he might also have been faithful or at least avoided unprotected sex (Claire has mentioned he's a hypochondriac). Lastly, no, Claire isn't going to keep the disease a secret from her sister. I didn't mean to imply that.

- Hi Steve, thanks for the read and the comment. Sorry for the confusion - for some reason I tend to go for minimal dialogue when trying to write drama. ;) I'll revisit the script in a while and try to make it clearer.

- Hi Col, you seem to be the least confused of the lot, which is a relief. ;) Thanks for the review and your time.

Your suggestions make sense. Michael does come across as somewhat brutal, but I thought that Claire "deserved" his reaction. If things had worked out the way she wished, we'd have felt sorry for the guy. As for Susanne and her disease, I agree that some more information might have been helpful. I was just trying not to give away the twist at the end.
Finally, I like both alternate endings you suggest and will definitely take them into consideration during the rewrite. Excellent ideas.

Once again, thank you all for the help!

Manolis

Hi Manolis,
     There isn't a STD that will be sent over the phone.  People have to call in for those results.  They won't be emailed, or texted etc.  

If for nothing else, the reason being what if the text went to the wrong place or wrong person?  that is why doctors don't like to fax personal records to other places.  

There was a lawsuit years ago when a doctor's office sent a copy of positive HIV results to the wrong fax (the clerk was given the wrong fax number by the person) and they got sued.

I can't really think of a case where that can happen.  

I know that black comedies break a lot of rules, but, things like STD that ruin people's lives are a hard sell.  You might want to keep it as a drama.

Good luck
Dan