Hell's Belles by CJ Walley - Action, Adventure - When they stumble upon a small town terrorized by a drug lord, an unruly all female army crew feel it’s their duty to rescue an innocent young girl from his grasp. 91 pages - pdf, format 8)

I don't want to start off as wholly negative but it was a bit of a struggle getting through the first ten pages. While I do see a lot of problem areas, I'm confident that as a writer you are more than capable of addressing these issues as you continue to work on this script. With that in mind here are my first thoughts on your first ten pages:

"Some bad shit just went down" : Instead of just declaring that "bad shit went down", describe to the reader what that looks like. Is there smoke, flaming rubble, walls scarred by bullet marks, etc. Visually describe the scene and allow your reader to draw that conclusion. On the bottom of page three you make a similar descriptive mistake: "and plotting bad guy shit". I'm not sure if that's supposed to come off as meta but it can read almost as if you don't have a clear specific idea of what's going on or that your not interested enough to describe it to someone (in this case it is preceded by specific descriptions, keep those and lose the "and plotting other bad guy shit").

Additionally in your first scene, when the corporal calls in for "air cover", there's nothing in the scene which explains why he feels panicked. Is he and his squad under fire, are some wounded, is his vehicle disabled, etc.

The dialogue in the scene was a bit confusing and vague. "Insurgents locked in tight within urban outposts". What are "urban outposts" (if it's a specific military term I have never heard it)? I also feel that there is no clear spatial sense, the squad is on an empty highway (and they "peer into the desert"?), where are they in relation to the insurgents?

Page two appears to have a typo, "the squad gorp up".

The helicopter flying into the warehouse didn't work for me, but that's just personal preference (I get your trying to give the audience something they haven't really seen before) the real issue is that the writing seems a bit disjointed and difficult to follow. Some things were confusing because you used the terms tail rotor and tail wheel interchangeably (I would stick with tail rotor), but I feel like the bigger issue has to do with the overall clarity of how you describe the action sequences.
In terms of the  dialogue it can feel a bit clunky and forced. There are times when the characters lines almost seem like monologues crammed into conversations ( for example page 13 seems to have this problem), play around with deleting every line that doesn't specifically move the plot forward or explain what's going on (such as lines used to add emphasis), just take a massive axe to it, save it as a draft and see how it reads and then go through it again selectively adding back the dialogue cut. This will give you a chance to take a step back and consciously think about what each line of dialogue adds or doesn't add and a clear idea of why your characters are saying what they're saying.


Anyways keep at it and I hope this helps- Nick

Quoted from CJ Walley Not looking for notes, thanks.

Hey ya CJ. Just a thought. It might be a nice courtesy to the readers on this site to indicate your desires when you first post your script.  You can do that pretty easily by adding a comment (i.e., I am not interested in reviews). That way folks like Nick here won't waste their time by typing up their feedback. Just a thought.