Man In The Mirror by Kevin Doy Burton - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A bullied mild mannered highschool kid gets a second chance by switching with himself from a parallel universe. 22 pages - pdf, format 8)

Kevin

Comments sometimes seem to come from another universe.  Read while seated.

Let's stArt with format. Screenplays are always written in present tense.  What happens on screen dampens in the now.  Write that way.

Character INTRODUCTIONS are in caps,  calling a character 'average' means almost nothing. Give us something to cling to. He wears glasses and dresses in last decade's fashions.  You get the idea.

Thurgood's mother is not described so she could be anything. Again, some description.   Names are good things to give characters.  Use them.

Your writing needs work. 'Through' is not a synonym for 'threw'.  The dialogue is insipid and ordinary and cliched. Imagine how characters really speak.  Listen to the people around you and use that. It's what you hear, not what you read.

The story has possibilities, but not as written. Thurgood 2 is too off the wall and relies too much on strength rather than intelligence and courage. He becomes as thuggish as the football players which makes him less likable. Nothing should be easy for your protagonist.  

I recommend that you read every good screenplay you can find.  They're all over the net, so find and read and absorb. Don't write another screenplay until you've read a number of them.

Best
Richard

to expand on one of Richard's notes:

When he commented on your past tense use -- an example is:

Thurgood left for school. While walking down the street he heard
a voice from behind.

VOICE
Hey kid. Wait up.

Thurgood turned around to see four guys approaching him. He
turned back around and started running towards school.


The bolded out words are past tense, it's like you are recalling the movie instead of putting us there in the present.  A present voice would say Thurgood walks down the sidewalk, headed for school.  OR Thurgood turns around...turns back around and starts running.


I've only read up to that point but I am looking for something to read while on some down time so I'll get back to reading  it soon.

***** So I made it to page 11.  I like the idea of swapping with one's other self  via the school's rest room mirror but for the most part I pretty much agree with RR's comments.  

I'd humbly suggest that you continue writing vigorously but focus on  writing in present   tense.  86 the "ed" stuff. Also practice writing more visually,  power words.  When you read other scripts, highlight the super verbs and power adjectives.   A fowl-looking bathroom.  Or the scent of the freshly cut grass on the school's football field.  Textures, a crusty-looking bathroom.  Sounds, clamoring as the players take the field. Using one of the 5 senses will help you create visual.  Practice. Practice. Practice. And keep posting for feedback.  That's all I got.