Hallowed Be Thy Name by Thomas Kenneth Williams - Sci Fi, Fantasy - Heaven and Hell at war when Son of Satan replaces Christ on the Cross, Modern day American adventure with biblical locations… 105 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi all. Please feel free to do an honest rating. Or comment on what you think needs a change and or edit. I understand the scripts concept and YES it is very controversial. However it is not a slur on any Religious sect what so ever. It is purely a fantasy story meant for entertainment purposes only. Would love to read you're views and advise on how to better my script.

Thanks in Advance to any who have the time to even flick through a 107 page script.

Understand, constructive criticism is acceptable, if it helps me to further edit said script, I implore honest and reliable opinions..

Ken!

Hi Ken,

Welcome to the boards!

I'm sure some folks here will give this a look and some feedback but I also want to encourage you to do the same for other readers here.

This site works on the idea that a writer who puts in reads and reviews of others works deserves the same.

It's a give and take site in other words.

So, if you see something that look interesting, crack it open and offer some thoughts.

By doing that, you're showing that you as interested in offering advice as you are getting it.

It also helps you as a writer to read others works as well. It gives you perspective of how other writers are doing what they do.

Take care, and best of luck.

Shawn.....><

Hi,

Is Ken the author of this script? Credit is to Thomas.

Ok,

I'm not sure this should be included as SCI-FI.

The writing style is good, polished. I'm not sure if spending so much time with the flashback is a good idea. You need to get the ball rolling faster, IMO.

20 pages in and I can't see anyone I want to focus on as far as an interesting character. God and the devil don't count.

I think this suffers from over-written a bit. Again, the writing is solid. And again, by 20 pages in I don't see an objective. I know set up is important, but...

I'll pass at this point.

GL with the scirpt.

Tony

Judging from the poor grammar in your post, I was expecting a badly written script, but, after reading a few pages, that isn't the case at all. You write well. It doesn't sound like my kind of story though, so I'll not read any further.

Welcome to the site.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Judging from the poor grammar in your post, I was expecting a badly written script, but, after reading a few pages, that isn't the case at all. You write well. It doesn't sound like my kind of story though, so I'll not read any further. Welcome to the site.

Yes, typing on a phone is very much different from typing on a laptop..

Thomas Kenneth Williams.

Quoted from TonyDionisio Hi, Is Ken the author of this script? Credit is to Thomas. Ok, I'm not sure this should be included as SCI-FI. The writing style is good, polished. I'm not sure if spending so much time with the flashback is a good idea. You need to get the ball rolling faster, IMO. 20 pages in and I can't see anyone I want to focus on as far as an interesting character. God and the devil don't count. I think this suffers from over-written a bit. Again, the writing is solid. And again, by 20 pages in I don't see an objective. I know set up is important, but... I'll pass at this point. GL with the scirpt. Tony

Hi, my name is Thomas Kenneth.  I get called Ken by all..  :)

Script has been revised. Please take a second look.  Thanks all.

Ken,

Flipping through your revision I'm still seeing a lot of unnecessary action blocks that slow down the read considerably. Stuff like clothing, etc. Unless a specific set of garb has something important in relation to moving the story forward,  I would remove it.

You are coming in at 111pgs. Opinions vary on the subject but I believe every story can be told within 90-98.

Tony

Thanks Tony.    However I was instructed by the proofreader to use descriptions such as clothing, surroundings ETC.. Is this un-necessary?

Ken.

I take the position that unless it has an integral reason in moving the story forward, it is unnecessary. Movies have a wardrobe dept that has way more experience than the writers do. Leave it up to them. Good characters are remembered for what they say anf do, not necessarily what they wear unless its unusual.

Gl

Tony

Hi Tony.  After a "Black List"  Evaluation, I am now revising and will take you're comments into consideration..  Thank you sir. Much obliged.

TKW..

Hi, Ken.  I must say this is an interesting story you've created here.  Stories like this where religion is turned upside down on its head has always interested me, The Last Temptation of Christ being a prime example.

The chemistry between Dievil and Jezebel was entertaining.  My only problem was that I didn't have anyone to cheer for in the first half of the script.

I like your writing style, but as TonyDionisio pointed out, the descriptive writing could be condensed.  This would easily bring your page count down to a reasonable number.  Coincidentally, I suffer from a similar problem with my descriptive writing and I am trying to improve. :)

Again, it's an interesting story.  Just tighten up the descriptive writing and introduce and identify the protagonist earlier in the story.

I would also consider revising the logline.


http://www.raindance.org/10-tips-for-writing-loglines/


Tony

Quoted from KevinS Hi, Ken.  I must say this is an interesting story you've created here.  Stories like this where religion is turned upside down on its head has always interested me, The Last Temptation of Christ being a prime example. The chemistry between Dievil and Jezebel was entertaining.  My only problem was that I didn't have anyone to cheer for in the first half of the script. I like your writing style, but as TonyDionisio pointed out, the descriptive writing could be condensed.  This would easily bring your page count down to a reasonable number.  Coincidentally, I suffer from a similar problem with my descriptive writing and I am trying to improve. :) Hi, Kevin.              Script should be ready for a third up-load shortly. Glad you like controversial subjects. Cheers Kev Thomas Kenneth Williams.  (Ken) Again, it's an interesting story.  Just tighten up the descriptive writing and introduce and identify the protagonist earlier in the story.

Quoted from TonyDionisio I would also consider revising the logline. http://www.raindance.org/10-tips-for-writing-loglines/ Tony

Hi Tony.

           Black List suggested " Two thousand years after GOD replaced DIEVIL for JESUS to be crucified, DIEVIL sets out with a morally questionable goal of ending religion in the present day with the help of a mortal"  I suppose I will run with that!  Cheers Tony.

Quoted from TonyDionisio I would also consider revising the logline. http://www.raindance.org/10-tips-for-writing-loglines/ Tony

Hi Tony.

           Black List suggested " Two thousand years after GOD replaced DIEVIL for JESUS to be crucified, DIEVIL sets out with a morally questionable goal of ending religion in the present day with the help of a mortal"  I suppose I will run with that!  Cheers Tony.

I must admit to not  reading the whole story, but if the "mortal"  is the protagonist,  then the log should focus more in this area.

Hi Tony.

            I will have a revised version ready for up-load soon.  The Protagonist is Dievil not Jezebel.  

            Thank you for the feed-back.


Ken.

Hi, new revision posted. Here is the Black List Evaluation.
Era:
Biblical Times / Present Day
Locations:
American Small Town / Biblical Locations
Budgets:
Blockbuster
Genre:
Action & Adventure, Action Thriller, Dark Comedy, Dramatic Comedy, Drama, Faith-Based Drama, Sci-Fi Horror, Supernatural Thriller, Psychological Thriller, Sci-Fi Thriller, Sci-Fi & Fantasy
Logline:
Two thousand years after GOD replaced DIEVIL for JESUS to be crucified, DIEVIL sets out with a morally questionable goal of ending religion in the present day with the help of a mortal.
Strengths:
Devil's voice is fantastic and definitely stands out as the biggest strength of the script. His moral qualms and ways that he deals with things are always action packed and psychologically interesting and thought provoking. His character is vivid in physicality and personality. We really see his growth and character development change over the course of the script, but it all comes to fruition when he's confronting Satan in the third act. We see what he thinks he deserves and there are some very sympathetic moments to his character in this conversation. In addition, the way the plot climaxes here really helps to tie up a lot of loose ends in the script's plot. The comedy is written well into the plot and the dialogue. Dievil of course is one of the funniest characters overall, but his interactions bring a lot of humor out of dark scenarios throughout as well. There's a lot of solid comedic relief for how ambitious this plot's settings are. The conversations between God, Jesus, Dievil, and Satan always stand out as the most parody like comedy, but they're subtle and still show that the writer has done a ton of research on the bible and the interworking to be able to play with the stories and add new, original content to the story (mainly with the addition and tale of how Dievil came to be). It's a fun, yet dark comedy!
Weaknesses:
This is a really cool concept, but right now it's dragging a little bit too long in the first act. When we flashback in the set up to two thousand years before there is too much time spent in the past. This becomes repetitive and hard to follow. When we make it back to the present day we really get a sense of Devil's goals, but it takes until the second act to get there. Try to sharpen up the entire set up so it moves quicker and we get more out of the character of Devil and how his goals might work when we make it back to the present day. Likewise, Eli needs a stronger voice. We get hints in the set up, but he really remains fairly flat throughout the script although a heavy character. Give him some more personality qualities that the audience can latch onto. Jezebel could use some more development to not feel too on the nose. Try to give her a less cliche role so that we can really see a better connection with Dievil's character and the conflict within their personalities. Jezebel's demise is gruesome, but there's not a lot of foreshadowing for what will become of her character throughout. She kind of just seems to exist to fulfil the plot's goals, but needs stronger, and more personalized goals of her own to let the audience see her as a living, breathing character that is interesting in her own right.
Prospects:
This is a very original and exciting premise that is sure to get attention from industry readers based off of the log line alone. It plays with the biblical tales and does so in an original and comedic manner to add suspense and a new take on the characters within the infamous world. The use of having the majority of the story take place in the present day is fantastic and a great way to tell the story. Dievil would be a big role for a big actor should this thing make it into development, but it will take a lot of strengthening of the supporting cast around him to really come through in order for the script to reach its full potential. Along with some long winded action, there are times when the dialogue is too expositional and the script just needs to sharpen all of this up and add subtext to the conversations while broadening the motives and voices of the main characters (like Eli) and supporting characters around Dievil.

Hi Ken,

Here are my notes:

I enjoyed this and whipped through it pretty quickly, which is always a good sign.

My main issue with it was that as soon as I started to get behind a character, the story spotlight left them and went on to someone else and I felt left without an emotional anchor point again. I think at least three of the characters have interesting quirks, flaws and qualities that could bear the weight of the ‘protagonist’ mantle.

At first I thought that the main guy must be Eli because he’s the apparent source for good, but he then becomes so passive and almost disappears from the story once Dievil and Jezebel have attained the Arc.

Then Jezebel takes centre stage around the mid-point. I thought her backstory flashbacks could have come earlier because she clearly has many issues that the audience would enjoy watching her work through. In general I’m not a fan of flashbacks because they can sometimes be used in a lazy way and you can often reveal enough about the character through well-designed actions, but they worked ok here. The fact that we only learn about them on pg 73 is a waste, I think.

As a woman reading, I felt a slight twinge of discomfort on pg 91: "Am I not good enough? Am I not pretty enough?... Tell me I am beautiful" Wilson: "You are ugly, Jezebel. You are ugly inside and out!" Is this film about a woman psychologically coming apart under the pressure of having to conform to standards of beauty and being pushed around by men? With a bit more development, it could be, I suppose.

Then Dievil steals the show at the end and I think this marks him as the character who most warrants being central throughout. We glimpse sparks of interesting character flaws and quirks which you could really develop and weave throughout the whole story, for example, his Daddy issues and his irrepressible glimmer of goodness (like on pg 87 when he sees Tom in the window and redirects the demon attack). If he is our central character (perhaps antihero is appropriate) I think the story would be improved by not letting Eli and Jezebel steal so much of the limelight or by exploring facets of their character that throw Dievil into relief.

For me, it felt very jarring to return to the Maggie/Louise/Tom/Wilson storyline at pg 57 having been away from that storyline for so long. And I found myself not caring about that storyline very much any more. I thought Wilson was important because he had the power to prevent the anti-religion bill from passing into law, but now the stakes have been raised to a different order of magnitude now everyone else's attention has turned to the Arc. Early on the stakes felt quite ‘grounded’, talking about a bill i.e. social change through conventional, legislative channels and then suddenly it’s a drama playing out on a metaphysical level. It just felt to me that when attaining the power of God is on the line, laws and people who prevent bills from becoming laws suddenly don’t seem that important. For me, at that point, Wilson and his family didn’t have much skin in the game.

I asked myself how important Wilson’s family are to the plot. Sure they make us like Wilson in the opening pages, because who doesn’t like a family man. And Tom functions as a device to show us Dievil’s spark of humanity and compassion but there are other devices you could employ to do that. It could still be a child that is able to unlock Dievil’s good-side but I’m not convinced that child needs to be part of a family that gets wheeled out in every high-stakes scene.

From reading the longline I was hoping for a clever, thoughtful, playful, unexpected take on the Biblical tales. In some ways I think the work delivered on its promise. But in another I feel like at the most pivotal moments, again and again, characters dealt in the currency of violence or a physical solution of some sort and it was more ‘Sorcerer’s Apprentice’ than I was expecting where at a crucial moment the character turns into a dragon, or a beast, or wields a magical sword. This might be easier to avoid once there are more psychological foibles in evidence that can be exploited. I was thinking of Devil’s Advocate as I was reading this because I watched it recently. The overarching moral message of that film can be summarised in the aphorism “Pride comes before a fall”. Milton (Satan) exploits Kevin's hubris to bend him to his will. It meant that the antagonist didn't need to a wield sword to make the hero do things. It’s relatable and interesting and means that not every confrontation has to always take the smashy, smashy approach.

This may just be me, but I found the final pages a little preachy, (pg 100, 102-103). If I were tackling this sensitive subject matter, I would want to get my point across through what happens at the end but allow just enough latitude for the audience to take away their own conclusions as well.

I hope this is helpful. I really did enjoy the read and I think it shows a lot of promise. Despite what others have said about your description, in general I found it skipped along, and the dialogue did too. Good luck with any future re-writes.