You'll Miss Me When I'm Gone by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - A failed actor contemplates his life, what he believes and what happened. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Richard,

I read this because of the title.  I say that to every girl when we broke up, and sadly your script is more true to my life than I really want to admit!!   ;D ;D

I liked it.  Not sure if you should change the slugs to indicate that each was the same scene or not, but I got it because it was the first line in the description.  I also was a little lost at first of who the Intern was, but got it. People say you need a twist, but on this one I like it the way it is.  Like I said, too close to home so the irony in what he thought was going on and what people really thought is a good enough vehicle to me.  We may be in the minority though.

On page 4, Jennifer said "When the promotion didn't come, when the promotion didn't come, when I was feeling so bad, ..."  Is it really necessary to have her repeat all this?  I don't and think you should pare this down a bit.  Again, just me.

If you're going to film this yourself, you might not change anything.  But if you want someone else to film it, just make sure there is clarity in what's going on because at first there isn't.  Glad I kept reading.  I liked it.

Good luck with it.

Richard,

I liked the way you switched between his fantasy world and reality as it unfolded for the intern. However, I also couldn't help but feel that this was part of a longer story that was only just hinted at. The only question I have would be why the the editor would be interested in telling the story of a never-been in a city full of them. What made him stand out in particular? What was the narrative hook that would have gotten readers to read about Neil?

Otherwise, this was a well-written story with good use of description and dialogue to move the story forward.

Ian

All,

thanks for the comments.  Ian, you made a valid point about the editor.  I was trying to portray him as someone giving the intern work that would keep her out of his hair and a project that would determine how good she is.  

I think we all have a bit of imagination in us.  We believe we made a bigger impression than we did.  We want to inflate our triumphs.  The truth is a cruel master.

Best
Richard

Hi Richard,
    I read your screenplay.  It was interesting.  I enjoyed it.  I thought the dialog was funny.

A few things:
1.  I was confused at first by the fantasy vs real world aspect.  You might want to somehow differentiate between the 2 worlds.  

2.  One way you could separate the 2 worlds is to have him fantasizing in the first half, introduce the cop doing the followup and then showing the second half of the script.  He was pretty delusional all the way through, so, perhaps even taking it further would be cool.

Good luck, I'd read a rewrite of yours.
Dan

RichardR,

Saying your name out loud makes me feel like a farmer making scrumpy in Norfolk.

Anyways, I now have enough butter. But I'm still procrastinating about the washing. So I'll return your read.

Before I do I should mention that it would be a good idea for you to link to some of your scripts. The only way to read them at the mo is via recent posts. This takes a while, then you have to find them. People these days are often impatient.  You might get a few more reads that way.

Notes as I go...

When it started my heart sank a little when I assumed Neil was a journalist. I've read a few too many scripts with a journalist as protagonist of late. But it soon changed to intern. Then there's this director. Seems intriguing...

Sadly your PDF title is appearing in my browser. And it's not You'll Miss Me When I'm Gone. I think it should probably come with a spoiler alert.

On the top of page two you should have just used LATER as your header, instead of repeating your previous header.

Hmm, strange change of tone from the director. I went and reread as I thought I was missing something, or there was something wrong. Perhaps you didn't mean LATER, after all. Nevertheless, it's supposed to be clear in the header where we are and when we are, especially when it changes.

I'm smirking at  the Photographer. I'm very interested to see where you go with this.

Finished. I think I was expecting a bit more at the end. The pdf file name kinda gave it away for me. Nevertheless, it's a good little story that might work out well on film.

You're a good writer, it's not flawless, but it's a lot closer than most come.

R

Richard

The suicide theme is a familiar one that we see a lot of writers tackle and its easy to see why; its inherently dramatic with the highest possible stakes. However, because of its ubiquity we end up seeing a lot of the same ground being covered, the same scenes play out with the same sentiments before the same finale.

To your credit here though you gave this a couple of interesting tweaks which differentiated it from just another one of those. I liked the framing device of the Editor telling the Intern the reality of journalism whereby you glean the facts or newsworthy details of a story and dismiss the rest. I think that unfortunate approach to news coverage is more prevalent than ever in today's saturated market which has to compete with online outlets and social media. Incidents and quotes are intentionally misleading, sensationalized or taken out of context all the time, or more often than not, there is no context. They're just splashed across the headline as click-bait. This dehumanizing theme tied in well with the handling of Neil's suicide. How something so tragic is deemed banal by Editor and Intern because of this attitude. Its treated as nothing more than a footnote.

I also liked how you mirrored the idealized opinions of the people Neil met with what they really thought about him when Intern goes to interview them. It made it all even more sad really. Especially since even in his final moments Neil seemed to have this inflated sense of his own importance. This was a curious angle to take because usually suicidal people are the total opposite and that's a primary contributing factor in their choice. On the surface it felt like Neil is too much in denial to even contemplate such a thing but I guess that's all it is, just a veneer of confidence and self esteem which his actions clearly belie.

Good job

Col.

Richard - overall a good effort. Like the others, I was confused at first but eventually caught on.

I think you may have a typo here - there are two sentences that are repeated.

Quoted Text JENNIFER I miss him so much. He was the only man who could always make me laugh. When the promotion didn’t come, when the promotion didn’t come, when I was feeling so bad, he dressed up like a clown. He walked into my office pulling a wagon decked with balloons. He had a nose that honked and a flower that shot water. He had designed this fifteen minute routine that he delivered flawlessly. He didn’t miss a beat. He didn’t miss a beat. I was laughing so hard. When he produced champagne from the little wagon, I kissed him despite the clown makeup. My face was a mess. We were two clowns. I was never happier.

all,

Thanks for the reads and the comments.  Grist for the mill, grist for the mill.

best
Richard

Richard,

Writing wise it was a good effort, well written for the most part. The logline was confusing and the description of the Director threw me a bit. What does ‘She’s small-pocketbook chic’ mean?

As has already been mentioned, you need some way in the script of distinguishing between the fantasy flashbacks and the reality ones. I’ve seen a few scripts which do this, can't remember them off the top of my head but search around and I'm sure you'll find them.

I knew where this was heading from the start, so it didn’t work for me as maybe it could. The differences between Neil’s perception and reality was so opposite it didn’t sit true with me. If he did believe himself to be so adored, why kill himself?

It’s true we all like to think of ourselves as special, we all want to be universally liked, so our perceptions can be warped but it’s rarely so one-dimensional. It would have been nice if the differences where more subtle. Also, a nice touch would have been for the interviews to piece together some sort of story which alludes to what happened to Neil and why he  chose to go out the way he did. The story needs something more to hold it together. At the moment it’s a series of interviews where he thinks one thing but the intern discovers the complete opposite, which quickly loses its appeal.

As always this is just my opinions though, all the best with it.

-Mark  

Hi Richard,

It's been months since you wrote this, but let me add my two cents to the other recent comments.

I did like the idea, but I wonder if the interviews were the best way to execute it.  Normally, one wouldn't talk bad about a recently deceased person – let alone an acquaintance. And Neil wasn't even a bad guy, was he? So why would his ex girlfriend e.g. say all those embarrassing things about him to a journalist? She is a bitch, yeah, and had dumped him, but she has no reason to hate him. So my suggestion would be to reveal her and other people’s opinion of Neil through private conversations or flashbacks.

Also, like Mark said, it is hard to imagine why Neil would commit suicide if he was so delusional about himself. What if he just tried to console himself by “reconstructing” his memories, for instance? He could also hope that his suicide would actually make people say nice things and regret their behavior towards him.

There's definitely a potential here. Good luck with it.

Manolis