The Cop and The Rum Runners by John J. McGuire - Short, Suspence, Thriller - Grieving the loss of his father a modern day NYC Cop steps onto a Brooklyn fishing pier and becomes locked in a gun battle with prohibition day Rum Runners. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey John,

Interesting title. The logline is well written but has me a bit confused. It sounds like time travel or something is involved because you say a modern day cop has a run in with some prohibition day rum runners and yet the genre is suspense thriller. If time travel is part of this then the genre should be sci-fi/fantasy.  

The dock and the foggy conditions are nicely described, it gives the first couple of pages a nice atmosphere. The dialogue reads a little awkward and unnatural though.

Why didn't Steve shout out to his partner when he encounters the men and they abduct him? Yvonne seems conveniently forgotten.

I read through the rest of it but it's rather odd. You seem to have all the basics down correctly formatting and structure wise but it reads like a spoof even though the intent is serious. Part of this is down to the dialogue and the way the characters react (or not) to all the crazy stuff that is going on. The Irish cops seem stereotypically over the top which adds to the unintentional comedy.

A nice idea for a short tale for sure, just needs work.  If you can give a reason why all this is happening as well, apart from the tenuous link to his father which feels shoehorned in at the end; this may help also.

-Mark

John,

Bootleg comments can be just as tasty as those bottled in bond.  Take with a shot of something.

We start with standard cop stuff.  He sees something.  She says not likely, and he goes off to investigate.  Given what's going to happen, I would like to get a foreshadowing of the time warp.  A story, the tilt of the moon, his watch running backwards, something, even a different colored fog.  

Now, we make the time jump to find the corrupt cops and the booze.  The cops seem to understand each other better than I would suppose given the time difference.  But that's  me.  

The shootout doesn't do much for me.  The bad guys are typically bad.  The cop is typically stupid.  The other cops come in to save the day, although I don't see why.  They fled the scene because the gang was coming in.  One point to keep in  mind is that the protag generally has to get himself out of a mess.  Others can jump in to save his bacon.  That's the general rule.  Now, why the cop doesn't call for backup or use his radio is beyond me.  Rule 1, call for backup.  Now, his radio wont' work, but that's beside the point.  He can't know that.

And we get some chat about 'dad'.  Now, had that come at the beginning, it being the anniversary of his death say, then you have a reason for the fog.  But at the end, it's extraneous and late.  And finding out he was a harbor cop, why didn't he ask the other cops if they knew him?  Before his time?  I'm a bit lost on this point.

The smashed bottle doesn't work for me.  If it's whole, and he shows it to Yvonne, hmmm, now you have a problem.  And it if was smashed, why didn't it cut him?  Glass in his pocket?  No cuts?

And you don't need the last scene.  Just have him and her stare at the bottle or the remains.  Done, move on.

Best
Richard

Interesting idea. With some rewriting you could have something to proceed with.