Unnatural Disaster - Print Topic

Hey Craig,

I had a few minutes this afternoon and wanted to crack a script open real quick on my break. Yours was the lucky one.  ;D

I’m not much of a full script reader due to the very little time I have in a day but I do want to offer a few pointers based on the first page.

I’m gonna cut a snippet from page one and go over some of what I think can add some improvement to the story.

Remember, these are only my opinions and as everyone here will tell you, isn’t worth much.  ;D

FROM TEXT--

INT. HOUSE - MORNING
A father, JACK, single, 40’s, gets his two early teen
daughters, MEGHAN and EMILY ready for school.
They all eat breakfast at a counter in the kitchen.
A picture of Jack, his wife and children on the bench.
Sympathy cards all around.

END TEXT--

After your opening scene, this is your first introduction to us of some of the primary players in the story.

First, let’s name the house. “House” is too bland. Give Jack a last name and call it that. For point’s sake, I’m naming him JACK MILLER.

INT. MILLER HOUSE – DAY

Next line—

A father, JACK, single, 40’s,

Cut “A father” and “single” They add nothing to the story here. Remember, you have to show, not tell. And instead, give him some description.

JACK, 40, slender but well built…

Also give the daughters some description as well. If they are going to be in the story, you need to give us a visual of them.

JACK, 40, slender but well built, gets his two daughters, MEGHAN, 13, chubby, but attractive and EMILY, 14, athletic with braces, ready for another day at school.

If you’re gonna introduce them at the start of a story, we should hear them as well.

Lets put it all together—

INT. MILLER HOUSE – DAY
JACK, 40, slender but well built, gets his two daughters, MEGHAN, 13, chubby, but attractive and EMILY, 14, athletic with braces, ready for another day at school.
As they eat breakfast at the kitchen counter, Jack chimes in.

                 JACK
You’re not gonna eat your eggs?

Emily rolls her eyes.
                   EMILY
Dad, if you’d listened, you’d know I don’t eat anything that has to be born.

She gets up and storms out of the room

                 EMILY (O.S.)
Mom would’ve understood.

Jack glances down on counter notices a pile of condolence cards.

He picks one up.

INSERT IMAGE: Barbara and I are so sorry for your loss.

BACK TO SCENE:

Jack sets down the card and looks over to a picture that shows the whole family on vacation on a beach.

               JACK
(to himself)
Yes she would’ve.

This introduces up to the family and to the pain they are feeling right out of the gate. It also makes us want to route for them.

I know this is a brief summery of just one scene, but if you unpack each page like this, you tend to get a flow going from page one that the reader can get hooked on early.

Hope this helps. :)

Take care,

Shawn…..><