Better Call Saul" Spec Script - S02, E01 - "Amigo" by Erika Whitmore - Series, Drama - In the exciting Season Two opener of "Better Call Saul" we find our hero, SAUL GOODMAN pushed to the limit when he is kidnapped and forced to face the people, places and sins he thought he had left far behind him in Albuquerque. 35 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Erika,

This was an interesting take on the Breaking Bad universe. However, the episode commits some cardinal sins in the TV spec arena, so hopefully I can help out here. My thoughts:

When it comes to specs, the rule is to never use flashbacks that utilize prior episodes. Also, don't write any plots that have a significant impact on the characters or mythology of the series. This spec should be between 45-50 pages in length. Formulas for episode structure should be mirrored, that's why I suspect Better Call Saul won't be a popular choice for spec writers out there -- it's a difficult structure to write inside tight parameters.

You wrote Saul well, his dialogue was believable and spot on. That said, it went on way too long in some places and threw off the pace. I understand Saul has spurts where he rambles, but sometimes it doesn't move the story forward. In the opening sequence, I think you nailed Saul's mannerisms toward the girl. Good job with that.

The plot has a bunch of repetition, playing out in present day with a gun in Saul's face or a flashback directly from a BB episode. This isn't Better Call Saul structure. I'm not sure why Chuck would come to Saul after the events of BB. Without context, it's more believable that he would be permanently out of his life.

Sentence structure was solid, but the overwriting slowed down the read. You overuse and have too much action in parentheticals. Also, you have many lines in narrative that explain what's going on rather than show it - like the door explanation from being locked from the outside.

Canon stuff:

-- Saul lives in Omaha present day

-- Jessie would have never met with Saul over a phone call, making the twist predictable. I realize you meant to do that, but BB always manipulates a character into a situation. There's nothing made easy for BB characters

-- Maybe it was all the flashbacks, but the timeline during BB season 3 is incorrect

-- Was there a second shot fired at Gale's, or is that your addition?

-- It's out of character for Saul to directly hire a hitman

-- I don't think Saul had a side door in his office

-- Anything's possible, but I don't see Ted on the same road to recovery as someone like Hank. I admit my eyes lit up when I saw his name on the page though.

Hope this helps. It's creative for sure and as a fan of Breaking Bad I enjoyed reading it, yet overall it's just another take on a story that didn't need the emphasis.

Johnny

Erika,

Unusually I thought I'd read the previous comments before I wrote my own, as their was only one and, for a change, I could be arsed. Must be a blue moon.

Johnny makes some good points. Particularly the point about the parentheticals. I'm not saying you shouldn't do them. But they should be done about as often as I put my hand in my pocket in the pub, which is very rarely. I usually try to drink other people's drinks. This works okay for about twenty minutes or so. Thankfully there are an awful lot of pubs around.

You should also keep them to one or two words. The parentheticals I mean. I've moved on from minesweeping in the pub. Most of them could easily be omitted. Like my payment system for the pub.

The vast majority of the stuff you have in parentheticals that you do need should be in action lines. The way you have it at present makes it a lot harder to read than it should be.

I loved Better Call Saul. It wasn't quite as good as Breaking Bad. But that's a bit like saying Goodfellas ain't as good as The Godfather.

From reading your script I can tell you also love Saul. You've got a good handle on him, and captured his character and dialogue well. That isn't easy, so congratulations on that.

I think the main problem is you've set your script after Breaking Bad. It's true BCS did show Saul after Breaking Bad. They started the series with two brief scenes from then. But then they went back. And they stayed there, for the vast majority of time, if memory serves. BCS is a prequel to BB. I think you'd have had a lot more success if you too had kept it before BB. What you've written here is a BB follow up starring Saul. You may have been better off calling it something else.

I also think you're a bit short on page count. I think each episode was about forty minutes or so. Hang on, I'm going to check as I could be deluding myself. That's happened before.

I'm back. I was nearly right. It's like that time I thought Leonard Cohen was dead. He isn't, he just seems it. Hmm, it's not really like that time at all, is it? No. Anyway, each episode is between 42 to 49 minutes. So you probably aim for around 45, at least 42. Pages I mean. I would try and crack a joke here, but I couldn't think of any good ones. So I won't. A bit dissapointing. Like Leonard's Cohen's last album.

Another technical thing before I move onto story. I'm not sure if it's deliberate or not, or if it's just me, but some of your text seems somewhat bunched up. By that I mean it looks too close together, to my eye at least.

You should be careful with lines like 'SAUL has a feeling of vague familiarity, but he cannot place it.'

This is more telling than showing. If you added that 'the look crosses his face', or words to that effect, you'd get away with it. Like I did with that full pint down the Dog and Duck for a good while before that big skinhead copped on to my antics. Christ he could run fast for a big 'un.

You don't need to write the script for the adverts Saul has on the TV in Act One. Just write that they are on in the action line, and leave it at that. If there's something relevant or important to the story in them then fine, write it in, otherwise don't. If you really have to include them put them in an addendum at the end of script, with a brief note saying they are there.

I mention this as it takes up most of the first page of your first act. This isn't a good start.

You've a lot of lot of good lines in here. But I seem to recall did talk quite a bit. However, I don't think he talked quite as much as he does in your script.

One of my favourite lines in Better Call Saul was in the alley when they were doing the Rolex routine. Saul explains his name to the mark: It's all good, man.

You need lines of that calibre, or somewhere close to it. I'd have trouble writing them too. But you gotta have a good go.

Some of your lines are very good though. But I do think you need to a little trimming. That way the good stuff would sound even better.

You've a few other things that could be improved, if you're around then post here and I'll continue. If you're not, then you won't. And we'll both move on with our lives. I'm going the zoo soon. No doubt most of the animals will be asleep, and all the insects and lizards will be hiding.

So, I'm going to pay the price of a good night out to watch some leaves and snoring beasts. Oh hang on, a good night out costs me very little. Apart from a few smacks in the mouth.

R