Real by David A. Fryer - Short, Dark Fantasy - Cal lies bleeding to death in a snow storm, only his guardian angel can save him, or destroy him...Can Cal tell the story to save his soul? 18 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi David,

    I'm gonna read your screenplay.  I will write down anything odd I see.  If you have a recurring issue, I will only point it out once, no need to pile on.

Good luck:

1.  Page 1, first slug, NOWHERE??  I mean, we have to be somewhere?  How is the director gonna find NOWHERE?  Even negative space is SOMEWHERE.

2.  You have a lot of camera work on page 1.  Rule to keep in mind:  Let the Actors act, Let the Directors direct, and let the Cameramen do their job.  Yours is to write the story, not tell them what to do, unless it's vital to the story.

3.  Still page 1, you say towards the bottom that he's got a good five years before age starts to show and tear on him.  Don't you mean to say wear and tear somewhere in that statement?

4.  You don't have to show both first and last names, just first, JOE is fine.

5.  Flashbacks should be used sparingly.  You've use 2 by page 2.  And I'm not sure either advanced the story.

6.  I'm up to page 8 and honestly, all the jumping isn't helping.  The flashbacks don't seem to convey anything.  I'll admit the dialog is pretty good, they talk around everything, but, the downside of that is, I have no clue what is happening.

I know from your tag line that he's a guardian angel, but, I don't know that from the script, at all, at least not by page 8.

7.  I read 16 pages and I have no idea what I just read.  Again, you have far too many questions.  Why was Cal different?  Why all the flashbacks?  Why was Joe such a dick?  What was real and what was made up?  You leave far too much open to interpretation.  I honestly have no clue what I just read.

Good luck with it.
Dan

David,

sometimes comments can seem like guardian angels.  Sometimes they're demons.  Good luck.

This is not an easy read.  Joe doesn't seem like all that good a guardian angel, and I have no idea who Lenny is.  

The flashcuts become annoying.  Piecing the story together from the flashcuts takes special attention.

And we get the idea that Cal and Joe have done this many times.  What?  Cal dies and Joe saves him?

Confusion reigns as we get several versions of his wound.  And we get to reincarnation?  Cal back into the wheel within a wheel?

Finished and not too sure about this.  It seems Cal had a life that they let him live, but they made a mistake.  Cal has to back through the womb one more time.

I like much of the writing and the dialogue, but it seems far too jarring for my taste.  

Best
Richard