Echo Screen by Dan Tonkin - Short, Drama - An ex-convict volunteers for a new government programme for early release, and confronts his crime's guilt and horror in order to be assessed for bail. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

I like this one but the writing needs a lot of work.

There are misspelled words and grammatical errors that rip me from the story.

The dialogue needs to be trimmed down as well, which would help eliminate some of the exposition.

I'm not too sure what happens at the end, but I'd come up with some idea if I read it a few times.

There's a creepy little short here, even if it does start with some guy waking up not knowing where he his.  At least there isn't an alarm clock.

Jordan

Hey Dan,
    I'm gonna read your script.  If I spot something more then once, I will only list it once (like tense issues etc) no need to pile on.  As I spot stuff, I will list them.

Good luck

1.  You might want to be careful using the word is.  Some here don't recommend that.

2.  Instead of writing to himself, it should be Grey (V.O.) for voice over or Grey (O.S.) for off screen.

3.  By the way, I almost wish that I didn't know that tidbit about the program at the beginning.  I think it's much more dramatic for Grey to find himself on the floor with no recollection how he got there.  Especially if the Echo Screen isn't widely known to the land.  I mean, he could be there for so many reasons and I think you lose a big plot point spilling that in the beginning.  Letting us know at the end, or even have him remember flashbacks to being told that makes a lot more sense dramatically.  Just my 2 cents.

4.  Page 1, Grey looks towards the end of the empty corridor, finding an exit with bright light outside -- I think you either have to add an a for with a bright light, or with bright lights outside, I think you need something there.

5.  A loud ringing noise rings in his ears.  I'd go with a different word ringing or rings like "A deafening sounds pounds his ear drums."

6.EVE (early 20’s) is stood in front   should be EVE (early 20s) stands in front.

7.  Can Eve walk off, wouldn't it be walk away?

8.  Wait, if Eve isn't real, why does she care if he can handle it or not?  She's a program. Right?

9.  I also don't understand why the doctors are such dicks.  I get that he killed that (SPOILERS)

GIRL when he was drunk.  But, if they want the program to succeed, why push him, especially when we have been told that there have been multiple failures?  That doesn't make sense to me.

10.  I am not sure I buy this twist into having Jill become a nightmare that hunts him.  He knows it isn't real.  I don't think he'd be that fooled.  I mean, he can't touch anything, so, it isn't quasi-real.

Eh.  I didn't care for the twist.  Now, he wants to stay there, hidden from society.  I would have loved the twist if it was in fact, turning down the pill that meant you were truly ready to be released, or he would have died, or woke up in a simulation for the rest of eternity, well, till he died.

I do think you have an interesting story, but, it needs to be thought out more.  Don't give us so much at the beginning.  Let us work it out as your character does.  And let the ending either show him back in jail, dead, or truly free b/c he turned down his freedom.  Let that mean something.

Good luck
I'd read a rewrite b/c I'm curious where you might take it.

DAn

Dan

When you read comments, make prisoners of only those that help.

We start with a kind of disclaimer, and I too wonder if it's necessary.  That info can be parsed out over the film.  You do more than enough in the opening for the audience to understand that this isn't reality.

From corridor to forest and the good doctor.  Why?  Why give either the audience or Grey this info?  How can they get a true test, if he knows he's important?

Why interrupt with the lecture hall?  What does it add?  Keep the mystery going.  He's in a forest with Eve, and it's weird.

I understand that he has to face the consequences of his actions, and he doesn't want to.  But if the doc is prompting, how can it be a fair test?

And it turns into a kind of horror show until Grey begs for forgiveness.  Given his remorse, I would think he had done that countless times already, although not to Jill directly.  And even now, he must know she's dead.  This is all some kind of fake reality.  

And Grey can't take his newly won freedom.

Using alternative reality to prove criminals are ready for the real world is a good idea.  This version doesn't work for me.  The writing is spotty and the dialogue on the nose.  I would think that the alternative universe wouldn't feature a resurrected victim but a new victim and a dilemma for the convict.  After all, Grey knows Jill is dead, and he knows he volunteered for this new test.  Why would he believe in the crawling corpse?  That's me.

I think some hard thinking and a rewrite would do wonders for this one.

Best
Richard

Hi Dan,

I'm inclined to agree with the other guys that when it comes to the writing, it needs polishing. I think it's a solid idea though and with some work has real potential.

Just out of curiosity, is this a first draft?

Hope you have another crack at it.