The Cartoon by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - In a lonely parking garage, a political cartoonist meets a fan. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Richard, I've just finished reading your script.

I'm not too sure what to make of it as it seems to lack a real story. It's a topical and interesting subject but this just appears to be a scene with two random characters and I'm left not really caring about what happens.

The Thin Man says Claire Dims a lot. I think that would be annoying and sound a little strange IMO. Maybe something like 'I'm a great admirer of hers' would be a preferred replacement? Unless there is a specific reason for the repetition?

Overall, your writings good but this doesn't really strike me as a story.

Ste

Hi Richard,
     I'm gonna read your story.  I will only comment on stuff like tense once, but, if I catch words spelled wrong, will let you know.  

Good luck.  I will write stuff down as I see them.

Okay, I didn't notice much wrong on the first read.

I thought it was pretty good.  A bit typical.  We've seen cartoonists get killed for just that reason.  I thought it would have been awesome if he wasn't

SPOILERS
IF HE wasn't gonna kill her at the end.  When he pulled out that pic, I thought she'd live to regret shooting him.  

I don't know, I thought this was a complete thought.  She made a cartoon either in the paper or online, some religious nut sees it, gets upset, confronts her.  Then gets to attack her.  

If anything, it was too typical, except for the tiny twist of the picture.  I wish it could be a bit more original or something, but, that's not the scope of the story.

Good job.
Dan

Richard,

No doubt there’s basis for a story what with all the latest goings on -- but the execution here didn’t quite click for me.  As it stands this seems to lack any real sense of pay-off.  There’s a brief moment of deception with the Thin Man’s cartoon but things fall flat from there.

Would seeing the Thin Man’s drawing give you another angle to work with?  I got the impression it was a picture of him killing her -- or possibly of them both dead/dying.  Does not seeing it detract from the idea or is it simply irrelevant?  

Dialogue was effective -- particularly at the outset with the Thin Man’s questioning.  I think you captured a certain desperation in his character.

Not quite there yet for me though not an idea to give up on.  Good luck.

Steve

Hi Richard,

I liked it, you build the suspense very well, kept me on my toes.
It needs some kind of a twist though I think, missing the aga moment at the end in my opinion.

All,

thanks much for the comments.  I agree with you.  The ending should have a bigger reveal.  I wrote this with several constraints--two characters, parking garage, something that would run 3-4 mins.  Without constraints, I'll see where it goes.

Best
Richard

I thought this was written well, quick snappy action lines...

High heels click as someone approaches

I could imagine this straight away, the writing was simple and succinct. Didn't see much breaking of the rules so to speak.

Didn't really have much to say about the story, thought there was a twist coming but it just turned into a bloodbath at the end.

The imagery was certainly there though, had no difficulties whatsoever.

Well done I'd say, maybe flesh out the story a bit more and build a bit more tension?

It's a solid piece of screenplay writing I would say, nothing too fluffy... on point.

Nice. Has the makings of a good scene, IMO. There’s atmosphere in the garage setting, and something unsettling about a male admirer/stalker or otherwise waiting for a woman in a parking garage. You have conflict between the two religions v. freedom of speech, escalation. Uh, I can’t help, but wonder two things why did she let her guard down, maybe more of a reason for her to do that.

BLB

Very visual - nice job on that. My mind's eye could see it clearly.

A couple of spots where I thought the dialogue could be different.

Quoted Text THIN MAN I must explain why I admire the cartoonist, Claire Dims. She does fantastic work. (pulls a sheet of paper from his pocket) Like this.

A little to on the nose for me - like you had to get it in here to explain the story. I think it would better if it was right up front in your first line.

THIN MAN
Excuse me. You’re Claire Dims - the cartoonist?

and the dialogue in question could then just simply be - this is fantastic work don't you think?

or something like that.

This bit:

Quoted Text CLAIRE Tolerance is the watchword of true faith. If faith is so fragile it cannot withstand a cartoon, how great can it be?

Was poetic for sure - but seemed out of place for me. Would a frightened woman really be that eloquent at the point?

Quoted Text He pulls out a sheet of paper with a cartoon on it and thrusts it at her.

I think it would be helpful for the story if this cartoon had some meaning here (it is also in the last shot of the script). A "cartoon" is too broad. It should be something meaningful (e.g., Christ, a Martyr, Claire - anything/something that furthers the story.

Not sure about the ending. Well written but it left me flat.  Got be something here. (Maybe she wasn't really Claire and the real Claire comes up to see the body just before the THIN MAN expires? -  just something).

You really are a vivid writer so turning the pages was easy here.

Richard,

The theme of the story drew me in, and I like the simple setting. But I felt that you relied on dialogues a bit too much to tell this story. Plus, the back and forth of their dialogues is too neat, revealing not much of the characters but acting more like a vehicle to deliver the message. The ending is almost predictable.

I thought this story has a lot potential, and it could be more interesting if you would reverse the roles--let the Thin Man be the cartoonist and the young blonde be the stalker--and come up with a surprising ending.

David

Hey Richard

I'm guessing you wrote this after the Charlie Hebdo incident?

Writing to constraints can be tricky; two characters, one location, but the story didn't have the impact for me.  The Thin Man comes off dodgy from the start and so his attack isn't a shock, even after the false call on the paper draw.  I'm not saying I didn't like this but I feel it could have been better.

Richard

CLAIRE
Tolerance is the watchword of true
faith. If faith is so fragile it
cannot withstand a cartoon, how
great can it be?

- This started off quite humorous, somewhat disconcerting but amusing too, and I was digging it. Now it’s become rather preachy. An odd mix of tone that I'm not sure works right now.

Shocking turn of events here...and it worked well for me. I was glad you backed away from wrestling with the faith vs. free speech argument (an important and topical one for sure, I just question whether a 4 page screenplay is a place to be tackling it) ad instead created a punchy 4 page dramatic script.

Like Claire I was sucked in by the Thin Man's tactic when he offered the drawing (I wondered what that was too but it’s never shown and that's ok by me) so was equally shocked when he produced the knife.

Why was Claire so rude and antagonist with Thin Man from the start though? Yes, he did scare her by hiding behind the car but her immediate belligerence and wariness had me suspecting her of something. I nearly believed her for a moment that she actually was wasn't Claire but that's how you introduced her so I know you wouldn't unfairly mislead us like that.

It seems like there is a back-story here that informs this encounter. Not only in motivating Thin Man to take such action but also Claire’s knee jerk mistrust and edginess around him. Similar to the Charlie Hebdo magazine, I was led to think that this wasn't the first time Claire had come into contact with a religious extremist none too pleased about what her magazine was satirizing.

I did like this overall, for a 4 pager it goes through a range of emotions; surprise, anger, confrontation, fear, suspicions, relief before the final one-two jabs of violence.

To reiterate, I would probably excise some of the opining about the nature of free speech vs faith stuff, it comes off as didactic and finger wagging. I have my opinions on it as I'm sure everybody else does and I don't think we need to be schooled here. It’s not like you are telling us anything new or controversial, just articulating the basic perspectives of both sides.

I would focus purely on the dramatic tension of such a meeting like this, blasphemous cartoonist/fundamentalist and showing how that would could go down. All the baggage that goes with it is already in our consciousness from the news so it can be left unsaid...while still adding weight to the scene. Also, on a purely realism level I don't think they would get into a debate here, it would be a far more tense exchange given the circumstances.

That aside there is not a whole lot more to say, it’s a solid scene, very contemporary but where to go from here? Plus, is there much you want the reader to take away from it? Is there much going on beyond the visceral impact of what transpires? Is there somewhere you could take or did you just want to write a standalone scene with no real beginning or end, just pure drama inherent to such an encounter? Which is I guess is ok too it just seems somewhat pointless.

Col.

First page was pretty good. I'm intrigued. By the second page though I was thinking "Why is she still talking to him? She'd just get in the car and drive off." I think you need to give her something to do before she can drive off, like load shopping or files or something along those lines into the back seat.

Obviously a controversial subject. I'm not too fond of stories that end like this. Still, kept me guessing. A couple of lines didn't ring true, but most of the dialogue was good. Feels a bit short.

I'd say you could change the end, or add to it. Have these two characters meet again sometime.

R