Interstate Juggernaut

Sup CJ.

Thought I'd give you a 10 page feedback.  I'm not sure if you hang around the boards or not, but it would be nice if you became more active here.

"Interstate Juggernaut" is a cool ass title, sounds about right for an action movie.

Okay, lets begin...

1. BOLD SLUGS - I love them, absolutely love them.  I think they help make things clear on the page.

2. The organization of your SLUG lines is perhaps something to consider.  For example:

EXT. IMPERIAL VALLEY, CALIFORNIA - DAY

I would consider swapping CALIFORNIA and IMPERIAL VALLEY around.  You normally start with the biggest location first, which I assume is California.  I mentioned this on your short as well, it's a really minor thing but hey, it's worth looking at from another perspective if you can.

3. SLUGS/ TIME ELEMENT - This needs to be included in your slugs!

EXT. LOS ANGELES
EXT. LOS ANGELES CITY STREET
EXT. MILITARY CHECKPOINT

That's just a few examples of SLUGS with no TIME ELEMENT, no DAY /NIGHT included in the SLUG.

4.
EXT. LOS ANGELES CITY STREET
An armored personal carrier creeps by, SOLDIERS scanning.

Should be "personnel carrier".  I'm not going to rag on you too much for that because typos can always slip through the cracks.

5. When Burt rushes into the FARM CABIN to help Jess, Will says...

WILL
Look, last time I saw your
daughter, she killed two cops
okay? Then knocked me out cold.

How does Will know that Jess is Burt's daughter? He doesn't, I'd perhaps hint that Burt is the father of Jess before he delivers that line.  Alternatively, you could change that.

6. I think you've formatted this FLASHBACK incorrectly.  Also, there's a SLUG there which has no TIME ELEMENT, which is something I picked up on earlier.

INT. JESS'S PICKUP TRUCK
They slam the doors shut. She starts the engine.

JESS
Have you ever saved a life? Did
you feel you had a choice?
Will reflects as he stares at the truck keys swinging.

EXT. INTERSTATE
A bright sunny day. Traffic flows toward central L.A.

INT./EXT. WILL'S CAR - PAST
A set of car keys swing. Will nods to music. Honking. He
checks his mirror to find someone tailgating.

The correct formatting would be something along the lines of...

BEGIN FLASHBACK:

INT. SCENE #1 - DAY

CJ parks his car.

INT. SCENE #2 - DAY

CJ punches somebody in the face.

END FLASHBACK

Or, instead of using PAST you could use [FLASHBACK] in the SLUG...

INT. SCENE #3 - DAY [FLASHBACK]

This is useful if you're only using one scene for your flashback, but remember... include DAY/NIGHT with that as well.

7. You have some great imagery in some of the opening scenes.

"The Hollywood sign burns, the letters collapsing to form
what reads like HELL."

I'm sure I've seen this somewhere before but it works well with what you're going for.

8. FINAL THOUGHTS!

I like the introduction, it brings us into this dystopian world nicely.  I know many people would frown upon the use of a V.O but I wouldn't give them any notice, sometimes it is needed and in this case I think it works.

The first 10 pages are packed with action, although I do think perhaps some of the action lines could be separated out a little more.  I think the action is VISUAL, I could imagine the fight between Jess and Will and I thought that was great.

Your writing is very streamlined and it moves quickly down the page.  There doesn't appear to be too much overwriting which is a good thing, it makes for a fast skim read.

That's all I have to say for now, I might come back and check out the next 10 pages just to offer some more of my thoughts.

I liked it so far, a bit more polish and this could be something great.

Hope you get back to me on this CJ, come around the boards more often.

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