Take by Tbone Roberts - Short, Horror, Supernatural - A young man stuck in purgatory after a hit and run leaves him in a coma, walks the streets of New York City ushering souls of the recently deceased to hell, learns his next victim will be the girl he loves. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

I didn't really get this short, maybe I'm dumb in the head but lemme' lay it out for you...

We got Nick. Some bird asks him for help because her druggy boyfriend has stole her purse.

She wants to use his phone, he lets her, the phone cuts out and now she wants a lift. They veer off into some woods, stumble across a dead FEMALE BODY... which I assume is HER... but it's supposed to be some sort of premonition right?

Nick sits in a room, photo of Guy next to his bedside.

Then we go to a parking lot, Guy bursts through the door and says to Nick "I just been car-jacked, help me bro!"

Nick continues on, ignores the warnings from Guy, sees a body.. (which I assume is another premonition or foreshadowing), Nick turns into a Demon - attacks Guy.

Then he gets food at a diner from Abby, tosses it away.

Photo of Abby appears next to his bed... supposedly she's gonna die like Guy, he darts out... newscaster says Nick is the victim of a hit n' run.

I don't actually know what is going on here.

It didn't really make sense to me, or at least it doesn't make sense on the page.

I read the whole thing and I didn't get it, the logline had me like "Yeah I'll read this short, sounds like this dude is in hell"... but the logline doesn't come across in the actual script.

Hi there,
    I'm gonna read your script.  I will only list stuff once, so, if you have recurring issues like tense, I won't pile on.

good luck and here goes.

1.  Your should have a cover page with your name, contact info and copyright to protect your work.

2.  Your first sentence is all wrong.  Why split the name off, then start a new paragraph without capitalizing the first word?  And what does snaking its way through the park even mean?  and is the -- correct?  Stuff like that needs to be formatted correctly and the use of the rules of English must be nearly perfect, if not flat out perfect.

3.  Why not give people names?  Is She the same dead person we see on the ground?

4.  Now, we have GUY.  We need names.  Or at least I like them.  And what happened to the girl?

5.  Wait, WTF just happened?  Now, Nick is a demon who kills a guy?  Then he's human again?  I'm lost.

6.  What?  I have no clue what I read.

I have so many questions but, I doubt that I will ever know the answers.  I get this was supposed to be avant-garde and what not, but, WTF?

He's a demon that kills people, but, when Abby is supposed to die, he kills himself instead?  Why go in there for food, then not eat it?  

I'm gonna stop.

Good luck
Dan

I just read this one again, I'm sorry... it just doesn't make any sense to me. I actually wish the dude who posted this would show up and explain a few things.

I'm curious to know what his vision was when he wrote this, what he wanted to say.

TBone,

Never take a comment to bed.

Your log line doesn't seem to match the script.  I like the idea of this guy serving Satan by claiming the people in the photos before some angel can claim them.  But the actual execution of the story isn't that clear.  On the story side, you need to establish the relationship between Nick and Satan.  Otherwise, we just have Nick showing up at death scenes.  We need some setup for the payoffs.

Also, Dan's in love with Abby, but he can't tell her.  But what does Abby do to earn damnation?  The first girl was a druggie, OK.  the second guy was a carjack victim.  What did he do?  Without some justification for being sent to hell, it doesn't make sense.

Best
Richard

Thanks everyone for the reads and feedback!

Quoted from Tbone Thanks everyone for the reads and feedback!

Any chance you can answer a few questions? I read this script and I didn't get it, would like a few questions answered.

Sure.  

Quoted from Tbone Sure.

Can you explain the story to me then, step by step...

I understand he's in some type of purgatory but why throw the food away? Where is he? Is the woman seeing her own demise at the start?

Why did he turn into a demon and attack guy? What is the symbolism of this? The meaning? Is it a dream sequence?

He only goes to the diner to see/admire Abby -- he orders the food as a cover.  Throws it away because he's not human.

The woman in the beginning is already dead when she runs in to Nick.  Nick leads her soul back to her body for her to see before, like with Guy, taking her to hell. What Guy saw -- Nick turning into the demon -- happened to her as well but I expanded on her experience via Guy.

Nick is in a coma this entire time. His actual body is laid up in a hospital somewhere, most likely on life support -- ala newscaster's reporting. So he's not technically dead, but he's also isn't exactly alive. He's trapped in the middle.  A purgatory of sorts. When he dies -if he dies- a Taker then will come for him.  But until then, he is sentenced to walk the streets collecting souls for the Devil until he himself dies and his soul is claimed - or he wakes from the coma and goes on with his life none the wiser.

I wrote this awhile ago as an experiment while suffering from writers block on another project. Handicapped the story to only 5 pages.  No intended symbolism or meaning.    Just wanted to write something different, strange.

Did that help answer your question, or leave you even more confused :)

I'm confused because it didn't come across in the screenplay. It's alright telling me... this happened and that happened but it wasn't there for me... the story which you've just explained to me didn't come across.

The way you wrote it, I couldn't be sure that she was seeing her own body at the start... because you didn't mention her name again.

You introduce the character as "SHE, 20"... alright, I got that.

But the body they stumble upon is described as "female, 20's"... how the hell am I supposed to know... from reading the screenplay... that it's the same person?

But it didn't click when she says that's my purse?

Quoted from Tbone But it didn't click when she says that's my purse?

Her purse could've been lying next to another dead female for all I know, it's not clear.

I see what you mean. I'm not knocking you for not getting it.  Appears most didn't.  That's on me.  

Quoted from Tbone I see what you mean. I'm not knocking you for not getting it.  Appears most didn't.  That's on me.

I could imagine the demon lunging towards Guy tho, that was a plus to me.

I could imagine the CUT TO BLACK as he does it... then the transition to the diner.

I didn't mind the script but I wanted some clarity, I wanted some answers ect.

If you would've named the individual to start with.. the girl... lets say her name is PAIGE or something.

You could write something like "Paige casts her eyes on the dead body. The colour drains from her face as she realizes it's her... lifeless... dead"

If I can bang that out in a second, you can do better I'm sure... it's clear that way.

Hey Tbone - like the others - I got lost in this one. A couple of nit comments from the first couple of pages:

Quoted Text You’re a life savor.

Think it should be saver.

Quoted Text SHE Oh, my god. Ma'am, are you okay? Wait...

"Ma'am" from a 20 year old to a 20 year old didn't seem right.

Quoted Text Beside the body is a purse. It’s spilled open. Heroin paraphernalia, spilling from it.

This could be crisper - you don't need spilled twice. i.e., Heroin, paraphernalia, spill from a purse next to the body.

Good luck

Quoted from eldave1 Hey Tbone - like the others - I got lost in this one. A couple of nit comments from the first couple of pages: Think it should be saver. "Ma'am" from a 20 year old to a 20 year old didn't seem right. This could be crisper - you don't need spilled twice. i.e., Heroin, paraphernalia, spill from a purse next to the body. Good luck

Yeah, it could be crisp like...

Beside the body, a purse, filled with drug paraphernalia.

Re-done in two seconds, that's all it takes...

Somebody could revise what I wrote, into a better version but it ain't needed... as long as you get the image across... that's it.