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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  May, 2015 One Week Challenge  /  The Deuce - OWC
Posted by: Don, May 24th, 2015, 11:34am
The Deuce by ? - Short, Drama, Thriller - An elevator and two guys on their way up. What can go down? 10 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Iancou, May 24th, 2015, 4:07pm; Reply: 1
Hmm. Different. Had a Quentin Tarantino feel to it, except the characters weren't eccentric enough. Now, from a technical standpoint, well written with only minor issues in spelling. For example,...


Quoted Text
Heís forty, podgy, balding and in a dressing gown. Bruises on...


Should read 'pudgy'.

The only other issue was a hint of danger when the elevator stops at a different floor. I almost expected some killer, supernatural something or other, or an unexpected attack, but nothing. They merely went on their way. The whole sequence appeared to be unnecessary and seemed to add nothing to the story. If I missed something, anybody catch it?

Finally, the logline states two guys, but with Dom/David, that makes three.

Ian
Posted by: JSimon, May 24th, 2015, 4:09pm; Reply: 2
what I liked:

- itís generally well written except for the clarity issues that come up below. This happens in OWCs with deadlines, but it can spoil the story
- the ending is a clever idea, though itís missing something. How is beating up this guy gonna make him look like the Deuce? Maybe the Deuce should have a missing eye or something?


suggestions to improve:

- I had to read page 6 three times and almost quit the story because of it. It was very unclear to me until closer read that Joey even left the elevator. -- Joey jumps with alarm. Dom watches him head out of view-- That needs to be more clear the reader. I mean itís there, but weíre reading a lot of scripts, action for important things like a character exiting needs to be crystal
- then we have this: Fuck. ďDid you do you that?Ēright after, and I have no idea what Chrissy is talking about. Iíve reread it 3 times and I have no idea. This stuff fatal to a script. Little things like this can sink a good story because things are not clear to the reader, which makes him work waaaay too hard.

filming potential:

affordable, with much tweaking might be worth considering


investment in story and characters:

making Joe a sympathetic goon almost makes him sympathetic

Comments:

- The type who could chew a toothpick without looking stupid. I donít know what that means, but I appreciate the effort!
- Chrissy is an odd name for a guy in my neck of the forest
- Joey is very worried about the victim for a hit man. And then at the end he doesnít mind hitting an innocent man.
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, May 24th, 2015, 4:18pm; Reply: 3
Pretty good.

SPOILERS

Simple, a little obvious as an idea, but I liked it. Nice little finish. Indeed, I think that is a very sound finish.

When dealing with banter, a couple of 'guys' ion a job etc, it can be wearing etc but I think you handled this in an accomplished manner.

Ok, we could point at a few holes, but decent work.

Well done.
Posted by: DanC, May 24th, 2015, 8:17pm; Reply: 4
It was okay.  It didn't work for me.  It took to long to get to the point at the end.

6/10
Posted by: Gum, May 25th, 2015, 1:33pm; Reply: 5
Another quick read with realistic overtones. Definitely easy to shoot on a budget and fits the theme well.  This one has a ĎDown Underí flavor to it; at least, thatís where the wounded Kangaroo took me.

I watched a Sponge Bob episode (thatís right), where Squidward was smashed in the face with a door so hard, he came out looking like an Adonis, I fear Domís fate may not produce the same results; poor guy, in the wrong place at the wrong time I presume.

His (Domís) dialog also suffered a bit IMO. He just seemed to be too nonchalant in his approach, whereas most people in that situation would come off as sniveling fools and such. Other than that nitpick, this had a cool and suave atmosphere that would shine if you found the right goons for the part.
Posted by: eldave1, May 25th, 2015, 1:42pm; Reply: 6
One minor comment - I really didn't like the character name of CHRISSY - took me a few moments to realize that it was a male rather than a female.

In terms of the story itself - although I thought the ending was very clever - I thought it took way too long to get there without a lot if interesting stuff happening in between.

Posted by: AnthonyCawood, May 25th, 2015, 4:24pm; Reply: 7
Well written in the main, but there's a few odd choices for words in the dialogue that don't seem in keeping with the characters... e.g. Lordy, ravish, so base.

Dom seems a little casual with his predicament, imho there should be begging and pleading!

The mistaken identity is funny and works well, the end line is funny, if not a little un realistic as they'll get found out that he's not the Deuce... or is that me over analysing ;-)

Anthony
Posted by: stevemiles, May 25th, 2015, 4:49pm; Reply: 8
The OVER BLACK stuff seemed a bit too specific.  Iíd wonder if itís all that necessary?  


One of the more entertaining reads.  Natural feeling character interaction. A twist in the growing doubts as to Dom being the right guy. A darkly comic ending.  A lot to here to heighten the read.

You conveyed a great sense of rising tension with the elevator stopping at the deserted foyers -- only for it go nowhere!  Felt like a wasted opportunity as you really had me (and no doubt others) wanting to know where that was all leading.

Ending works at face value, but not one to dwell on.  Iíd think something, a hint as to how they plan to remedy their mistake with the boss wouldíve sealed that angle.

Entertaining premise and characters.  Had you capitalised on the tension you created this could have been a slam-dunk.
Posted by: wonkavite (Guest), May 25th, 2015, 5:27pm; Reply: 9
Rather liked this one.  A very smooth, obviously experienced writer.  (I'm guessing English, but that could be a diversion.)  Well done, fun.  Solid flowing dialogue.  It's too early in the reading process for me to tell if this is one of my favorites... but it's certainly a contender.  :)
Posted by: RichardR, May 26th, 2015, 12:36pm; Reply: 10
this one works, although I didn't see the need for running out when there's a sound.  Nothing comes of it, and I'm a stickler for making every word and action count.  Otherwise, this is very readable and works well.  I even like their improvisation.

Best
Richard
Posted by: Jeremiah Johnson, May 26th, 2015, 1:05pm; Reply: 11
Congrats on entering.

You describe JOEY as "almost always scowling".  How do we know this?  Shouldn't be in the description.  Don't like the description of DOM and then saying, "This is DOM."  Should name him, then describe him.  It will read better.  You said Chrissy was calm, then he said to the other guy "calm down", then you said he was "as calm as it gets" all in one page.  Should fix that.  Also, things like "fidgets with impatience" and the like are all throughout the script.  Just say he fidgets.  

A bit nit-picky but when you have them go out of the elevator when Dom is awake and Crissy comes back to drag Dom back in, the doors closed (on top of the fact that the doors stayed open longer than any elevator I know of) he hears noises again.  Did the doors open again?  Are they on or off the elevator at this point?  Need to clear all of that up.

In the end, I liked it.  Didn't like the dialogue at first but it picked up and each character was defined.  Kind of reminded my of Sam Jackson and Travolta characters in Pulp Fiction.  It would suck to be Dom!!  Clear up some of the above, and it's not to expensive to film.  Good luck with this one.
Posted by: LC, May 26th, 2015, 9:10pm; Reply: 12
Very cleverly crafted this one - perhaps the lack of reads is due to it being too subtle for some but I think on screen (with a couple of tweaks/additions) this'd work a treat.

SPOILERS BELOW:

Great opening - nice tension evoked and I could really picture it all playing out on screen. Here we have a couple of goons and a kidnapped man - (also beaten up), about to get on elevator to meet the boss-man and then they panic when they realize they've got the wrong guy. Priceless. :)

There's a few really nice chuckle out loud moments in this, complete with back and forth banter and insults between Joey and Chrissy.

I suspect a few of the asides people will either love or hate, but I think they're in keeping with the overall tone of the piece and they add colour imh.

Dom attempting to escape creates suspense as does the elevator opening at random times on random floors, but I think perhaps a bit more could have been done with this and you really should do it after the OWC, i.e., repost it in 'Shorts'.

JOEY
Thereís no need to be so, so base.


This is great characterization - elevates it so the goons are not one-dimensional with their dialogue. When you inject little touches like this I do think it takes the characters to another level (little elevator pun there too :)) - Even the dumbest guy will pick up some highfalutin words every now and again, even a not too bright gangster, and if this story was longer I imagine a few of those words or phrases would creep in and be part of this character's repertoire, so good job there.

The bossman - John Feltz - who we never see - that's a good touch and all part of a nicely thought out narrative.

As for the character's name - Chrissy (which Dave commented on) this is what I imagine gangsters do, as with real life - the guy's real name is probably Christopher but here it's shortened - it's about being mates and camaraderie. It might pull some up when reading but on screen I reckon it would work really well.

Loved the visual of Dom in dressing gown and one slipper - conjures up him being nabbed while probably enjoying a nice quiet night in with his wife in front of the telly.

This is obviously written by someone who knows his or her stuff. Ticks all the boxes as far as 'in and around an elevator' and is definitely low budget. I thoroughly enjoyed this.

You woulda' definitely  had a 'recommend' from me if I could vote. :)
Posted by: khamanna, May 27th, 2015, 1:25am; Reply: 13
I really liked this one.

I liked the fact that everything is explained and I don't have questions at the end.
The writing helped - I didn't have questions here, everything was easy to visualize. And thank you for not breaking the dialog with action every other line - I see that a lot lately, but not here

Funny at places - a kind of funny that only compliments this kind of script.

The only thing I didn't get - I don't know what they meant at the end, didn't get the last line. It kind of has abrupt ending for me. Still it's a very nice short, a fun read actually.
Posted by: Stumpzian, May 28th, 2015, 7:27am; Reply: 14

Well-constructed, excellent premise, perfect ending.

The interplay between Joey and Chrissy is funny, authentic.

A couple of lines seemed off ("No need to be so base" and "why've you bound me?"). However, once I read an earlier comment about the former (from  LC), I buy it.

The pace slows toward the middle with the stop, but I think it's a misdirection that makes the ending more effective.

Names are great: Dom, Chrissy.

Overall: Thumbs up.
Posted by: MarkRenshaw, May 28th, 2015, 8:34am; Reply: 15
Another good one that matches the challenge. Iím on a roll here!

I too thought Chrissy was female at first.

Great banter between the two, a little annoying at first until they get into the elevator but then I was into the flow.

Dom was funny (Iím the wrong guy, am I? lol!) I thought he was playing them, so Iím glad you didnít have him really be the Deuce as the twist as thatís obvious.

The getting out on the random floor just because of a noise just didnít work for me. Chrissy had no reason to go investigate. But I really liked the rest of it and the end was very Tarrintino, over the top but worked a treat.

Congrats, Iím starting to get a list of favorites now Ė itís going to be tough to choose.

-Mark  
Posted by: Dreamscale, May 28th, 2015, 11:10am; Reply: 16
3 more to go, so if I can stay in, I'll be detailed.

OVER BLACK needs to be left aligned.  I just don't understand how anyone could think right aligning anything to begin a read makes sense.

IMO, way to many detailed things happening OVER BLACK.  I think attempting to do this is almost always a mistake, unless it's 100% clear and there for a reason.

Wow...6 passages to intro 2 characters and an unconscious guy?  18 lines!  Many of these are extremely awkwardly written and phrased.  I don't understand the "Chrissy" character - male, nearly pretty, heavy, and the kind who can chew a toothpick and not look stupid?

Writing continues to be awkward, long winded, and dialogue is going nowhere, sorry to say.

Lots of incorrectly broken up passages - keep them to 1 thought or shot.

OK, I'm very bored and leaving right before page 4.  Nothing of any interest has happened.  Sorry.
Posted by: paydirt, May 28th, 2015, 5:08pm; Reply: 17
I thought this one was pretty good.

It's well written with only a few minor errors and a couple of orphans.  The banter between Joey and Chrissy works well. The action lines are verbose at times and it lagged a bit in the middle,  but overall a solid effort.
Posted by: Simon, May 28th, 2015, 5:27pm; Reply: 18
That animation's hilarious, lol.
Posted by: Dustin, May 30th, 2015, 2:14am; Reply: 19
Code

JOEY
Donít look at me like that. This is
important. Listen, and donít do it
again. Is he supposed to be awake
or asleep?


Don't do what again?

Code

JOEY
You sure? I thought he said
something else. I mean are you
absolutely sure? 


It can't be that difficult to remember unless this is a comedy?

Code

DOM
Whyíve you bound me? Hey, Iím
talking to you.


Who talks like that in that type of situation? They'd likely scream... even men. Dialogue is way off for me so far.

Code

His voice is hoarse, pained.


Really? He's tied up and been beaten, he wakes up in a lift with the two perps, alone... I'm not buying this at all.

I'm out at page 6. The dialogue is killing it and I don't believe the actions of the characters. Even if this guy does turn out to be the Deuce and he's tricking his way out, I'm too bored to find out. Not one for me.

3 out of 10.
Posted by: nawazm11, May 30th, 2015, 3:40am; Reply: 20
Hard to judge, there's a lot of banter, a lot talk, much which seems to be useless -- but I guess that could be argued. The crux of the story is good, but it's seriously a wonder on how you even stretched it for so long. Two guys grab the wrong guy, that's literally it from what I saw unless I missed something major. Cut it down, cut everything down actually -- either put more meat or leave it out. A decent effort nonetheless though.
Posted by: oJOHNNYoNUTSo, May 31st, 2015, 2:53pm; Reply: 21
A case of mistaken identity makes for a funny ending. It felt like a scene from a feature rather than a short, but it's got legs.

Writing was okay - a bit clunky - I'd imagine the writer knows and is itching to smooth it out. I would recommend cutting out some of the dialogue. Joey's character was annoying, I guess he's meant to be, but up against the coolness of Chrissy it wouldn't take much to get that across.

The Deuce is a fun name. Could be interesting to explore in some of the dialogue why they call him The Deuce. I also liked how you presented Dom at start, pretty quirky.

Not bad. It's been done before, but I like it.
Posted by: Grandma Bear, June 2nd, 2015, 5:08pm; Reply: 22
I don't see how Khamanna thought I wrote this! Upmarket is definitely British!  Or an Aussie thing. ;D

I liked this one. Easy piecy read. It could be trimmed just a tad as the banter started to feel that it was just filling space after awhile.

Like the sounds over black. I could picture it perfectly. Well, you know what I mean. :)

I liked how Dom only had one slipper on. Gives me a pretty clear idea he was nabbed in surprise.

Also liked the freeze frame at the end, right before they hit Dom.

Great job. Humbled that someone thought I wrote it.  Congrats on your short! Someone will probably pick this one up.  8)
Posted by: PrussianMosby, June 3rd, 2015, 9:00pm; Reply: 23
The Deuce

"...and pulls out a crumpled photo to hold it
beside Domís head..."

That doesn't work. They don't come across that stupid, having a picture and not checking it right away.

Feltz Ė I don't like that you use him as a goal but don't fulfill my interest to see him.

I don't understand the last line "Youíll be a Deuce soon."
Does it mean they took the wrong one and want to hit him that he looks like the right guy? Make it clearer then. (Tell us the picture and the guy don't match)

I can tell the characters ask each other a huuuuuge amount of questions. Check that if you want to.

You were on a great track; I was intrigued by the story. Simply the points I've mentioned above had hurt that whole journey. Especially the ending.
Posted by: rendevous, June 7th, 2015, 4:06am; Reply: 24
I see the names have been revealed. So I'll respond to each as they were posted. I'll keep going until I lose either the will to live, or interest. Whichever happens first.


Quoted from Iancou
Hmm. Different. Had a Quentin Tarantino feel to it, except the characters weren't eccentric enough.


I'd like to find a compliment in there. Sadly I can't.


Quoted from Iancou
Now, from a technical standpoint, well written with only minor issues in spelling. For example,...

Should read 'pudgy'.


No it shouldn't. Pudgy is another word with a similar meaning. I chose podgy deliberately. As it sounds better. I note you don't point out any other issues. I'd like to say there aren't any. But I know there is at least one genuine one.


Quoted from Iancou
The only other issue was a hint of danger when the elevator stops at a different floor. I almost expected some killer, supernatural something or other, or an unexpected attack, but nothing. They merely went on their way. The whole sequence appeared to be unnecessary and seemed to add nothing to the story. If I missed something, anybody catch it?


I don't know if they did catch it. If they did, let's hope they feel better soon.

I can't see the harm in a little misdirection here and there. You obviously don't feel the same. Have you never been a lift at night in a tall building and all you want to do is get to your floor? I have. I wasn't burglarising the place. I had a key and everything.

Anyways the bugger stops, the lift I mean, unexpectedly too. The doors open and there's no-one there. It's scary, or at least a little sinister. When it happens again, it's even more so. I thought it added quite a bit to the story. I'm not alone in that. So there.


Quoted from Iancou
Finally, the logline states two guys, but with Dom/David, that makes three.

Ian


Oh dear. You're getting pedantic. I'm not sure he counts. He doesn't actually say anything until late in the story. And why would I give it all away in a logline? It's an OWC, it's going to get read, or some are going to pretend to read it, then slag it off.

Thanks for the read. I would say thanks for the compliments, but I only saw a swift one. Ooh. You nearly gave me one, a compliment I mean, regarding Tarantino. But then you ruined it completely. A shame, because you were very nearly there.

And you accused me of a false spelling mistake. So no biscuits for you. Still, thanks for the read.

R
Posted by: rendevous, June 7th, 2015, 7:10am; Reply: 25
Onnwards to the man in the dark coat...


Quoted from JSimon
what I liked:

- itís generally well written except for the clarity issues that come up below. This happens in OWCs with deadlines, but it can spoil the story


Not with mine it doesn't. Well, let's hope not. I seriously doubt it. Still, early days, do please continue...


Quoted from JSimon
- the ending is a clever idea, though itís missing something. How is beating up this guy gonna make him look like the Deuce? Maybe the Deuce should have a missing eye or something?


No. If the guy already looks like The Deuce, and they beat him up some more, then of course he'll look more like the Deuce. He's hardly gonna look less like him. The way Chrissy says his final line shows he's determined.

Hang on, you're saying the Deuce should have a missing eye, so they'd have to take out Dom's eye to make him look like him. Somewhat gruesome. It wouldn't fit in with the tone too well, methinks.


Quoted from JSimon
suggestions to improve:

- I had to read page 6 three times and almost quit the story because of it.


Oh dear. Were you on a bus? Did you keep dropping it? Bad internet connection? Were the other people on the bus distracting you by answering phone calls and saying "I'm on the bus".

They usually follow up that pearl of wisdom with "What's for dinner?". How the winter nights must fly by in their house.


Quoted from JSimon
It was very unclear to me until closer read that Joey even left the elevator. -- Joey jumps with alarm. Dom watches him head out of view-- That needs to be more clear the reader.  


More clear the reader? Should be 'more clear to the reader'. Hang on, I heard something. I think it's the Pot. What's that, Pot? I think Pot is saying something about Kettle. Can't quite make it out.  

Anyways, in your 'umble. We're in a lift. We've been in a lift for quite a while. Dom watches Joey head out of view. What, you think he disappeared to some far corner of the lift? I suggest the honourable gentlemen has not been paying due care and attention.

I could make it a lot clearer. I could spell it out in bold, as I see you're rather fond of. But I think you're saying more about you than you are about my script. It is clear. As clear as day. Sparkly. You just didn't pick up on it until you had a few tries. That's alright. You'd have a fair point, if it wasn't there to find. But it is.


Quoted from JSimon
I mean itís there, but weíre reading a lot of scripts, action for important things like a character exiting needs to be crystal


It is crystal. Diamond shiny. The fact you've got a lot of scripts to read has got absolutely nothing to do with it. If you're pushed for time that's your problem. What's the rush? Did you miss the bus?

You should stop reading stuff on public transport and get your glasses checked.


Quoted from JSimon
- then we have this: Fuck. ďDid you do you that?Ēright after, and I have no idea what Chrissy is talking about. Iíve reread it 3 times and I have no idea.


Oh dear. No idea? Oh my. This is devastating. This makes Syria look like Disneyland. Disaster. Woe is me. If memory serves they've been in a lift. You may have noticed that. You might have missed it as I only mentioned them getting in once. I probably should have bolded it.

So now they've both left the lift. I repeat, they have LEFT THE LIFT. Got that? Good.

The doors have closed. The lift is gone. GONE is lift. Gone. The doors are shut. SHUT. The LIFT is GONE. He's talking about it. The lift. It has departed. Left. Lift has left. He's accusing him of sending the lift away. This is not rocket surgery or brain science. You're not paying attention properly. Read it again. You may have missed it.

I don't like writing scripts assuming the reader is a bit daft with the reading age of a child, or they've got a load of other scripts to read. I'd rather assume they are sharp, intelligent and paying close attention. You're often sharp enough.

It's all there, I spent a long time crafting it and making sure it was, hencing my sarcasm and cheek. I spent a long time doing it. What you're asking me to do is throw all that out and write it so a twelve year old can pick everything up. I ain't gonna do that.


Quoted from JSimon
This stuff fatal to a script.


No it isn't. If you were JJ Abrams I might believe you, might. But I have a feeling if he actually said he'd read it, he might actually have read it properly. It's fatal to your understanding of it because you're skimming then trying to place the blame on me. Which is a pity. I had the biscuits out near the start.


Quoted from JSimon
Little things like this can sink a good story because things are not clear to the reader, which makes him work waaaay too hard.


Work hard? How, by reading the story without watching TV at the same time? You're not alone in not liking it. Goes with the territory. But you do appear alone in the stuff you pointed out. I don't see any other comments echoing your points. So I don't believe you. I'd read it since myself and it's fine. No, wait. It's amazing.

If you were right there would be others who had the same problems.

There isn't. They've got their own problems. Which is frankly typical.


Quoted from JSimon
filming potential:

affordable, with much tweaking might be worth considering


Yes. Maybe we should get rid of the lift.


Quoted from JSimon
investment in story and characters:

making Joe a sympathetic goon almost makes him sympathetic


Wise words there. I had a chicken burger earlier. Tasted like chicken. Stay with us, more gems of genius right after the break.


Quoted from JSimon
Comments:

- The type who could chew a toothpick without looking stupid. I donít know what that means, but I appreciate the effort!


Hmm, sounds a bit cheeky. Fair enough. My turn...

I would explain, but I'm not sure you'd get it. And I've got load a scripts to read. Plus there's something good coming on the telly in a minute. After that I've a bus to catch. Must remember to bring my phone with me. So I can tell her where I am, and ask her what's for dinner.


Quoted from JSimon
- Chrissy is an odd name for a guy in my neck of the forest


I must remember to run all my character name choices by you from now on so you can decide if they are odd around your way. Never seen the Sopranos? I'm sure they showed it, even down your woods neck.


Quoted from JSimon
- Joey is very worried about the victim for a hit man. And then at the end he doesnít mind hitting an innocent man.


Nope. He's midly worried about him. He's far more worried about himself, what might occur when their journey ends and the consequences of him doing the wrong thing, from his point of view. His dialogue clearly reflects this.

Oh, I was just getting used to pasting in your quotes and I've ran out. Absolutely no biscuits for you.

I have a feeling you may have liked it more than your letting on and, like your predecessor, and many others come to that, you focused more on what you didn't like, as opposed to what you did. Fair enough. But you could have thrown me a bone now and again. From your review it comes across as you really didn't like it.

Never mind. No tea either. Instead you get an empty cup and a small empty plate. Upon which I will place no biscuits. And certainly no cake. If you behave I'll let you have a teaspoon. So you can look at yourself and think about what you've done.

R
Posted by: Dustin, June 7th, 2015, 7:29am; Reply: 26
Sorry mate, just wasn't something I could get into it. I'll read your replies to others and hopefully figure out why I'm such a dick.
Posted by: rendevous, June 7th, 2015, 7:37am; Reply: 27
Nay bother, Dustin,

Read my replies to others by all means, you may get a giggle out of it. I'm having fun doing them.

I don't think you're a dick. If you were being one whilst reading mine, then you were being far less of a dick than some.

R
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, June 7th, 2015, 10:17am; Reply: 28
well, i liked it RV  :D
Posted by: rendevous, June 7th, 2015, 10:31am; Reply: 29
You are obviously a man of fine tastes. I would buy you dinner. But I don't have any money.

R
Posted by: Scar Tissue Films, June 7th, 2015, 5:15pm; Reply: 30
Alright Renners,

The opening lines disturbed the tranquil centre of my mind. It read wrong, like you'd broken some ungodly law of writing nature. I think it's because you start with nouns, and then start sticking verbs in there. Muffled voices. A distant siren. Engine revs???  Or An Engine revving??? Instead of an engine revs?  You are going from specific noises to actions...which weirded me out.

I read it a few times, trying to bring sense to my increasingly chaotic world, but there were red faces at the windows with chattering teeth and I'd already peeled off my own fingernails, so I didn't know which way was up by the end. Maybe you were right all along.

You are a very proficient writer. Your scripts always have the "mass" of a professional. They feel solid in your hands. Glossy. Like polished teak. Images flood into one's consciousness unbidden, looking as smart and swanky as any Hollywood flick. That's got to be a good thing.

Tone is excellent. Guy Ritchie vibe.

"CHRISSY
You can ravish him for all I care."

Great line.

Characters are familiar, but they work.


Page 4, doors opening...good beat.

Initial feeling when I got to the end was one of disappointment. The build up was so expert, that I was expecting some huge pay off rather than just the comedy of them beating the guy to look like the Deuce.

Then I thought it was clever.

I don't really know and I don't want to see those red faces at the window again.

Rick
Posted by: rendevous, June 7th, 2015, 8:01pm; Reply: 31
Thank you, Rick. I'll come back to this in time. Meanwhile....


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Pretty good.


Exactly. Bit mild. But, considering the previous posts, a massive leap forward in terms that will affect us all for the better. You should pep it up a bit next time. Think big, think shiny. Think ooooh.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
SPOILERS

Simple, a little obvious as an idea, but I liked it. Nice little finish. Indeed, I think that is a very sound finish.


I thank you kind sir. It wasn't that obvious. But you're evidently hugely intelligent, and extremely well read. I would mention your looks, but I feel this is neither the time, nor the venue. Give me a call later. I'll bring the special stuff.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
When dealing with banter, a couple of 'guys' ion a job etc, it can be wearing etc but I think you handled this in an accomplished manner.


I'll bring lots of special stuff. And the slightly scary stuff. Many thanks, fella. I did work on it, and I did try it out loud. The dialogue I mean. Much to my next door neighbour's amusement.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Ok, we could point at a few holes, but decent work.

Well done.


No, we really don't have any time to point out any holes. This really isn't that type of place. Many thanks again. It is nice to be appreciated. I'm glad you enjoyed it. For a while there I thought you were softening me up only to give me a kicking. Mind you, the night is still young...
Posted by: rendevous, June 7th, 2015, 9:54pm; Reply: 32

Quoted from DanC
It was okay.  It didn't work for me.  It took to long to get to the point at the end.

6/10


Thanks for commenting, Dan. You like to keep it brief, don't you? They don't charge by the word here, you know. You're confusing it with the classifieds in those magazines.

Sadly, your comments didn't really work for me at all. They took too short a time to take seriously.

4/10
Posted by: DanC, June 8th, 2015, 12:43am; Reply: 33

Quoted from rendevous


Thanks for commenting, Dan. You like to keep it brief, don't you? They don't charge by the word here, you know. You're confusing it with the classifieds in those magazines.

Sadly, your comments didn't really work for me at all. They took too short a time to take seriously.

4/10


Hey I take offense.  THOSE magazines are way more expensive then what you make them out to be.  Wait, that wasn't what I was supposed to admit,

Man, I'm waiting for that cash from that nice prince from some country that I can't pronounce that has no money options unless i save him and his 2BIL by sending him 50.00 in the mail.  

Seriously, that's makes as much sense as the idea for Pixels, but, at least I plan to see pixels, I won't ever see my 50 again, will I????

Just once, I wish one of these princes I send cash to would live up to their promise...

Seriously, you're right Rend.  And I am sorry.  For the next challenge, I will certainly take my time with all the entries.  I thought we had like 72 hrs to read everything, not 2 weeks.  I should have given your story, and a few others the respect and longer detailed explanation it deserved.

So, I'm giving you a get out of Dan free card.  This entitles you to a message, wait, wrong website again,  gotta keep this stuff straight.  It entitles you to one free read at any time of your choice.  You ask, I read, no matter how long it is, except there is one rule, it must be a screenplay and something you wrote, I ain't reading war and freaking peace...

Deals?
Friends?
At least Deals??? :)

Dan
Posted by: rendevous, June 8th, 2015, 3:29am; Reply: 34
Dan,

You're often more obscure than me. And I can go well off on one, on occasion.

I wasn't offended by your review. I rarely am. Some fools do try to offend. They fail. I've worked on building sites. Some nitwit on a website with an axe to grind is a mere irritant compared to a drunk Scotsman with a Stihl saw who's taken exception to my own peculiar brand of cheek. It taught me to get a thicker skin. Not to mention run very fast indeed.

The vast majority, including you, don't offend. The internet is not the best place for those who do easily take offence

There's no worries. If you're determined, you can read whichever one takes your fancy. As long as you're honest, you can say whatever you like. Just bear in mind I always retain the right to reply.

If you want suggestions - try Blood Group. It's linked in my signature. If that's too long try The Sandwich, which is here.


Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Then I thought it was clever.


Just read your review again, Rick. I'm going to print it out and put it in the bathroom.

I'll respond in full soon as promised. In the mean time...


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Well written in the main,


Oh yes. A full pack of Family Choice Main Selection. However, I'm quite ready to put it all away as you may be merely getting us all ready for a full force punch right in the balls.


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
but there's a few odd choices for words in the dialogue that don't seem in keeping with the characters... e.g. Lordy, ravish, so base.


Oh, you just tickled them. I've hung about with all sorts. You'd be surprised what comes out of their mouths. I knew a mean looking guy who liked to use the word epiphany.

He obviously had no real idea what it really meant. He bandied it about instead of 'idea'.

Me - Fancy a pint?

Him - Now that's not a bad epiphany. Let's go.

I would have told him, but he often got a bit handy when he got corrected.

The other side to this is why do certain characters always have to talk in cliches or I get pulled up on it? It takes all sorts. I like my characters to be a little less predictable.


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Dom seems a little casual with his predicament, imho there should be begging and pleading!


Why? Because that's what you expect. He's concussed, unsure and he's in a confined space with hard looking lads with guns.

But he's still smart enough to know pleading and begging isn't goint to help. I think most people would save that to the very end, when there's nothing else left to try. Dom has a bit more backbone than that. Yourself and a few others seem to think he should be hysterical.


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
The mistaken identity is funny and works well, the end line is funny, if not a little un realistic as they'll get found out that he's not the Deuce... or is that me over analysing ;-)

Anthony


That is you over analysing. Many thanks. Two rich teas and a milk digestive.

R
Posted by: rendevous, June 8th, 2015, 5:44am; Reply: 35

Quoted from Gum
Another quick read with realistic overtones.


Canis, dog like? That's not an insult, just you've got me wondering with your name. Sounds like one of more rightful heirs to the Iron Throne in Game of Thrones. I would name him, but I've forgotten it so I'd have to look him up.

Oh, Stannis. Just had a flashback. Thankfully it wasn't that one about the jelly, the rope and the goat.

This is rather a good start. I'm intrigued. No biscuits yet, but I might unlock the cupboard.


Quoted from Gum
Definitely easy to shoot on a budget and fits the theme well.  This one has a ĎDown Underí flavor to it; at least, thatís where the wounded Kangaroo took me.


Thanks. I have been Down Under. But the only kangaroo I saw there was asleep in the zoo. This is frankly typical. Most of the animals were fast asleep. Or hiding. The zoo is great, if you like looking at leaves and the occasional horizontal chimp.

Still, I have seen them move on TV. Kangaroos I mean. Loads of stuff moves on TV. You might have too. And it's exactly how Dom would to attempt walk in his current predicament. Minus the tail balancing, naturally.


Quoted from Gum
I watched a Sponge Bob episode (thatís right),


I'm sure it is. Sorry to stop you there, but you're definitely on your own now, son.


Quoted from Gum
...where Squidward was smashed in the face with a door so hard, he came out looking like an Adonis, I fear Domís fate may not produce the same results; poor guy, in the wrong place at the wrong time I presume.


Whilst I can't quite empathise enough with you on this, I think I know what you mean. I'm sure you have a valid excuse. You're rather right too. I never thought my scripts would be compared to the Sponge Bob. Still, it could always be worse. You could have picked TOWIE.


Quoted from Gum
His (Domís) dialog also suffered a bit IMO.


Are you still on about SpungyBob? Oh, I see you've moved on. IMH I thought it was spot on given all, he's a bit lost and still concussed. He's not sure what's going on. And he has his own problems previous to this. I liked the idea that Chrissy and Joey might take this as bravado from him. As the Deuce may not be someone so easily intimidated.

I saw later posters also disagreed, but I try to keep it sparse with descriptions when things are moving along, so I don't slow it down. Readers put their own take on characters.

My argument is a decent actor would pull it off no problem. Lines aren't written in stone. If the guy can pull it off then great. I mean the actor acting, stop being dirty.

If they can't, because it doesn't work or they aren't the right type then you try something else. I think it would work, as I've met types like these.

I see comments that just assume one performance in their head, so they assume the writing is wrong. Sometimes they're right. But they're often wrong, as there are subtleties they miss. And I know it'll work. Oh yes.


Quoted from Gum
He just seemed to be too nonchalant in his approach, whereas most people in that situation would come off as sniveling fools and such.


I see. God forbid I try another approach. Read the above to see if you feel the same way. You probably do, but I tried.


Quoted from Gum
Other than that nitpick, this had a cool and suave atmosphere that would shine if you found the right goons for the part.


Ooh. You pulled it back at the last moment. Custard cream or pink fancy?

Well done. Many thanks.

R
Posted by: rendevous, June 8th, 2015, 6:53am; Reply: 36

Quoted from eldave1
One minor comment - I really didn't like the character name of CHRISSY - took me a few moments to realize that it was a male rather than a female.


You should get out more. I've loads of friends called Chrissy. They have penises as well. At least I think they do. I haven't checked. Have you heard of the Sopranos? You might have missed it. If so, it was rather good. And it had a character called Chrissy in it for most of its duration. Until Tony suffocated him.

Maybe I should email David Chase and inform him how wrong he was. I could also tell him he was way off with Big Pussy.

I understand that some names are androgynous, Chrissy being among them. I used to think Cameron Diaz was a Scottish bricklayer. However, I did make it pretty clear Chrissy was male from the start.


Quoted from eldave1
In terms of the story itself - although I thought the ending was very clever - I thought it took way too long to get there without a lot if interesting stuff happening in between.


Thanks. And then you take off the velvet glove to twist my testicles. Not literally of course. I'd have to pay for that type of thing. Not really up my alley. Steady.

I thought it was interesting. But then I would do. And it would film beautifully. Think about it again. Now, go and stand in the corner.

Have you changed your mind?

No? Back in the corner for you.

If you don't come back with a different attitude we'll have sit you on the naughty step. You get half a bourbon, and the mere corner of a garibaldi. I'm gonna have a full one.

R
Posted by: rendevous, June 8th, 2015, 9:51am; Reply: 37

Quoted from wonkavite
Rather liked this one.  A very smooth, obviously experienced writer.


Bloody hell. I'll be back in a minute. Just gotta nip down the shops and buy a load of cake.


Quoted from wonkavite
Well done, fun.  Solid flowing dialogue.  It's too early in the reading process for me to tell if this is one of my favorites... but it's certainly a contender.  :)


Brilliant. Full gateaux and croquembouche. With some bisuits. Other reviewers could learn a lot from reading this, or they'll never get any biscuits at all. Fine work, Wonka. I would do a Willy Wonka joke, but it'd ruin the delightful atmosphere.

R
Posted by: rendevous, June 8th, 2015, 11:12am; Reply: 38

Quoted from RichardR
this one works, although I didn't see the need for running out when there's a sound.


Oh dear. As I said earlier it's to create tension. They're a bit nervous. If you read the previous reviews, obviously you can skip over the biscuit stuff, you'll see why it was there. Then you can come back and all will be forgiven.


Quoted from RichardR
  Nothing comes of it, and I'm a stickler for making every word and action count.


Hitchcock must drive you potty. All that banter in The Avengers. What was Downey Jr. thinking? And Twin Peaks would have you banging your head against a mirror whilst saying "How's Annie. How's Annie!"

I'm off to watch some David Lynch now. I'll smirk when something weird happens, and think of you.  


Quoted from RichardR
   Otherwise, this is very readable and works well.  I even like their improvisation.

Best
Richard


You pulled it back at the end there. Half a garabaldi. And a Jammie Dodger, minus the jam of course.

R
Posted by: khamanna, June 8th, 2015, 11:55am; Reply: 39
Congrats, ren. I liked it a lot, but in the end went meaner and decided to give it a consider instead of recommend. Being too nice to people is not my thing - sorry.

But this was both funny and suspenseful. I'd put it under a comedy - it really is.
Posted by: rendevous, June 8th, 2015, 9:20pm; Reply: 40
Khamanna,

I'll discuss the huge mistake you mentioned later. This is exactly how empires fall.

Until then...


Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson
Congrats on entering.


Thanks! I've done it before, you know. Not sure congratulations are necessary.


Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson
You describe JOEY as "almost always scowling".  How do we know this?  Shouldn't be in the description.  


You know this because I just told you with the line. It's a description of his expression and how he's gonna look now and for the rest of the script. Hmmm, not in the description, then where should I put it?


Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson
Don't like the description of DOM and then saying, "This is DOM."  Should name him, then describe him.  It will read better.  


Oh no it won't. I didn't want you to know his name straight away. I want you to see what state he's in first. Then you get the name. That way you'll remember it.


Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson
You said Chrissy was calm, then he said to the other guy "calm down", then you said he was "as calm as it gets" all in one page.  Should fix that.  


Oh. I did notice. As I wrote it. I see repetition for stress isn't your thing. Oh dear. I'm obviously not going anywhere near the biscuits anytime soon. I must remain calm. Sorry, placid. Perhaps relaxed.


Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson
Also, things like "fidgets with impatience" and the like are all throughout the script.  Just say he fidgets.  


No. I can't. My conscience tells me I can't. My logic tells me I can't. I would not be able to look at myself in the mirror. Sorry about the repetition there. But it adds to the rhythm.

If it just said 'he fidgets' it could be for just the sake of it. The way I said it points out why. It adds, you see.


Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson
A bit nit-picky...


Well Jeremiah, I hate to agree with you about this but... Sorry, stopped you mid sentence...


Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson
...but when you have them go out of the elevator when Dom is awake and Crissy comes back to drag Dom back in, the doors closed (on top of the fact that the doors stayed open longer than any elevator I know of)


I'll stop you there, as you tried to slip a dig past me. Obviously you work for Otis or Shindler and have been in elevators all over the world. You'll be more than familiar with those in this building and the card system employed in the key panel. You seem to have forgotten the doors will stay open as long as the writer wishes. They'll also stay open if someone puts their foot beside them. That happened off screen between the lines, when you weren't looking.


Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson
...he hears noises again. Did the doors open again?  Are they on or off the elevator at this point?  Need to clear all of that up.


Are you sure? I know I can be stubborn, as well as cheeky and flippant, but I doubt you have a point here. It's all clear. It worked for loads of people. I reread it a while ago, too. It was brilliant.


Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson
In the end, I liked it.  Didn't like the dialogue at first but it picked up and each character was defined.  


Bloody hell. Strange turn of events. I wasn't expecting that. Mind you, you blew the chance of a bisuit about ten minutes ago. Still, well done. You had me going there for a while. Usually they start with a compliment, then give me a swift kick in the balls when I'm not expecting it.


Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson
Kind of reminded my of Sam Jackson and Travolta characters in Pulp Fiction.  It would suck to be Dom!!  Clear up some of the above, and it's not to expensive to film.  Good luck with this one.


Indeed it would suck to be Dom. Other than that, thanks very much. Half a hobnob.

R
Posted by: rendevous, June 8th, 2015, 10:44pm; Reply: 41

Quoted from LC
Very cleverly crafted this one - perhaps the lack of reads is due to it being too subtle for some but I think on screen (with a couple of tweaks/additions) this'd work a treat.


Exactly. This is what I've been trying to tell them all. If only they were all as wise. The ones who didn't like it I mean. Look at them, all stood in the corner and on the naughty step, or staring at their reflections in spoons, wondering where their biscuits are.


Quoted from LC
SPOILERS BELOW:

Great opening - nice tension evoked and I could really picture it all playing out on screen. Here we have a couple of goons and a kidnapped man - (also beaten up), about to get on elevator to meet the boss-man and then they panic when they realize they've got the wrong guy. Priceless. :)


Indeed. Do you owe me money or something? Anyways, obviously I'm breaking out the chocolate biscuits, almost went without saying. But it didn't.


Quoted from LC
There's a few really nice chuckle out loud moments in this, complete with back and forth banter and insults between Joey and Chrissy.

I suspect a few of the asides people will either love or hate, but I think they're in keeping with the overall tone of the piece and they add colour imh.


I think good asides breathe more life into a script. And mine were great, weren't they? Oh yes. Just cleaning my trumpet. As no doubt I'll be blowing it again soon.


Quoted from LC
Dom attempting to escape creates suspense as does the elevator opening at random times on random floors, but I think perhaps a bit more could have been done with this and you really should do it after the OWC, i.e., repost it in 'Shorts'.


Ooh I don't know. It was all going swimmingly up to here. I like it as it is. I do.


Quoted from LC
JOEY
Thereís no need to be so, so base.


This is great characterization - elevates it so the goons are not one-dimensional with their dialogue. When you inject little touches like this I do think it takes the characters to another level (little elevator pun there too :)) - Even the dumbest guy will pick up some highfalutin words every now and again, even a not too bright gangster, and if this story was longer I imagine a few of those words or phrases would creep in and be part of this character's repertoire, so good job there.

[quote=LC]The bossman - John Feltz - who we never see - that's a good touch and all part of a nicely thought out narrative.


You got back on track. Well done. I like it when people in stories don't do the obvious. It's too easy, and it's all been done before many times.


Quoted from LC
As for the character's name - Chrissy (which Dave commented on) this is what I imagine gangsters do, as with real life - the guy's real name is probably Christopher but here it's shortened - it's about being mates and camaraderie. It might pull some up when reading but on screen I reckon it would work really well.


Course it would. Worked with Christopher Moltisanti for years. I think some neglect to remember what they are reading is intended to be filmed.


Quoted from LC
Loved the visual of Dom in dressing gown and one slipper - conjures up him being nabbed while probably enjoying a nice quiet night in with his wife in front of the telly.

This is obviously written by someone who knows his or her stuff. Ticks all the boxes as far as 'in and around an elevator' and is definitely low budget. I thoroughly enjoyed this.

You woulda' definitely  had a 'recommend' from me if I could vote. :)


A forgivable mistake. Now you just have to have a quiet word with Khamanna and point out the huge error she made. There's another biscuit in it for you.

Wonderful stuff. I couldn't have written it better myself. Apart from that bit about the lift stopping, almost flawless.

R
Posted by: rendevous, June 8th, 2015, 11:29pm; Reply: 42

Quoted from khamanna
I really liked this one.


And who can blame you? Another woman with sense. I rarely meet two women so soon after each other who don't run away very quickly. Still, the night is young.

You obviously have excellent taste. Well done.


Quoted from khamanna
I liked the fact that everything is explained and I don't have questions at the end.


Perfect. Next thing you'll be buying me chocolates and jewelry.


Quoted from khamanna
The writing helped - I didn't have questions here, everything was easy to visualize. And thank you for not

breaking the dialog with action every other line - I see that a lot lately, but not here  


Yes. I'm bloody good, aren't I? My trumpet needs cleaning again.


Quoted from khamanna
Funny at places - a kind of funny that only compliments this kind of script.


Indeed. I had to edit out all the biscuit stuff. Didn't fit. I'm making up for it in my responses. Another fig roll?


Quoted from khamanna
The only thing I didn't get - I don't know what they meant at the end, didn't get the last line. It kind

of has abrupt ending for me. Still it's a very nice short, a fun read actually.


Eh? I thought it was self explanatory. Poor old Dom *SPOILER AHEAD* looks a lot like who they should be bringing up to Feltz. But not quite enough. So they're gonna knock him round until he does look like him, or the difference can't be spotted. SPOILER NO MORE.

Anyways, many thanks. Most appreciated.

R
Posted by: rendevous, June 9th, 2015, 12:11am; Reply: 43

Quoted from Stumpzian

Well-constructed, excellent premise, perfect ending.


Precisely. Take a seat. Never mind the biscuits, you can stay for dinner. LC and Khamanna have cleaned me out of biscuits. They were like ravenous wolves with my tins. I should have filmed it.


Quoted from Stumpzian
The interplay between Joey and Chrissy is funny, authentic.


I thank you.


Quoted from Stumpzian
A couple of lines seemed off ("No need to be so base" and "why've you bound me?"). However, once I read an earlier comment about the former (from  LC), I buy it.


Well bought. I was just on my way back to the kitchen with your dinner plate. But you can sit back down now. Had me worried there for a moment.


Quoted from Stumpzian
The pace slows toward the middle with the stop, but I think it's a misdirection that makes the ending more effective.


Spot on, son. Pass the salt. Gravy?


Quoted from Stumpzian
Names are great: Dom, Chrissy.

Overall: Thumbs up.


Brilliant. What do fancy for pudding? Then we're off to the pub to meet LC and Khamanna. They're buying.

R
Posted by: rendevous, June 9th, 2015, 3:36am; Reply: 44

Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Another good one that matches the challenge. Iím on a roll here!


Ooh. Another one for the pub...


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
I too thought Chrissy was female at first.


...but you're only having a half. I could understand this more, if he was called Janet.

Women on the brain, methinks. Now that is understandable.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Great banter between the two, a little annoying at first until they get into the elevator but then I was into the flow.


Half a shandy. A little annoying? If you apologise for that bit you'll get a bag of peanuts too.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Dom was funny (Iím the wrong guy, am I? lol!) I thought he was playing them, so Iím glad you didnít have him really be the Deuce as the twist as thatís obvious.


Indeed. I see most got a surprise in the end, which is always a plus. That line you mention is one of my own favourites too. Poor old Dom.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
The getting out on the random floor just because of a noise just didnít work for me. Chrissy had no reason to go investigate.


That's your next shandy out the window. I think Chrissy had lots of reasons to investigate. I've stated some of them in previous responses, in amongst the biscuit stuff. You'll end up in the corner looking into a spoon if you're not careful.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
But I really liked the rest of it and the end was very Tarrintino, over the top but worked a treat.

Congrats, Iím starting to get a list of favorites now Ė itís going to be tough to choose.

-Mark  


I hope you chose correctly. Have a pint on me now, lad. Many thanks.

R
Posted by: rendevous, June 9th, 2015, 4:03am; Reply: 45
Now, onto Dr. Phil.


Quoted from Dreamscale
3 more to go, so if I can stay in, I'll be detailed.


Ooh. Hang on, if you can stay in? Is there the chance of a gas leak, or maybe a fire? You should be more careful. We'll be back right after the break.

You've been reading the first page of a lot of scripts then slagging them off. Must be tiring, put your feet up.


Quoted from Dreamscale
OVER BLACK needs to be left aligned.  I just don't understand how anyone could think right aligning anything to begin a read makes sense.


Fascinating. This is wonderful. You think it's wrong. Oh my. Bridges will fall, cities will crumble. Thanks for sharing,

Phil. Tell us about your wife's make-up website. We're just gonna take a short break. Be right back.

Read Gulliver's Travels, the part about the eggs would be of particular relevance to you. You'd learn a lot. Personally I like them narrow end up. Any danger of mentioning the script's story at any point?


Quoted from Dreamscale
IMO, way to many detailed things happening OVER BLACK.  I think attempting to do this is almost always a mistake, unless it's 100% clear and there for a reason.


Oh dear. Listening to the radio must be hell for you. How do you get through an album?

So you've said the opening transition is wrong. And the opening paragraph is probably a mistake. I'm beginning to get the feeling you aren't going to say anything good any time soon. Dedums. Plus Áa change.

Ten seconds tops. Sets up atmosphere. It's good. You just don't like it. Thankfully you are not someone whose opinions I value. It is 100% clear. No one else had a problem with it. The reason it's there is because it works. It sets up intrigue.

I must say though, I'm really enjoying your review. Your views don't sound bitter or weak or anything like that. Have you thought about teaching kindergarden? You could explain to the kiddies how hopeless their drawings are.


Quoted from Dreamscale
Wow...6 passages to intro 2 characters and an unconscious guy?  18 lines!  


Oooh. Another negative comment, have you thought about social work, or counselling?

There's far more in it than that. Are you sure you read it? I know you're busy with the Syrian crisis and being on call for Accident & Emergency.    


Quoted from Dreamscale
Many of these are extremely awkwardly written and phrased.


An awkwardly written phrase in itself. You missed the subject out too, a point you're often complaining about. In amongst all the love and joy.

Care to give any examples so I can learn to master how you'd make less of a pig's ear of it? No, of course not. I suppose that would mean actually reading the script at some point and involve some careful thought. Far easier just to be overtly negative with painful stock phrases.

Have to wonder, do you get a buzz by claiming most of the other scripts are bad? I just wonder, as I note you reviewed your own and waxed lyrical about it. Rather poor form. On top of the fact it wasn't exactly much good.


Quoted from Dreamscale
I don't understand the "Chrissy" character - male, nearly pretty, heavy, and the kind who can chew a toothpick and not look stupid?


You don't understand him because he has personality and depth.


Quoted from Dreamscale
Writing continues to be awkward, long winded, and dialogue is going nowhere, sorry to say.


Nice emphasis there. Got it the first time. Now you're sounding like a weak politician. Any examples this time? Oh dear.

Sorry to say? I suspect you must be sorry a lot, as you've been doing the same old sad trick for years.  


Quoted from Dreamscale
Lots of incorrectly broken up passages - keep them to 1 thought or shot.


Nope. Wrong. Dull.

Not seen one mention of the story. You mentioned a character once, but you failed to understand him.

I know mentioning the story would involve actually reading some of it, but I do think if you're going to review it Phil, you really should read a little of it, just so you can pretend properly.


Quoted from Dreamscale
OK, I'm very bored and leaving right before page 4.  Nothing of any interest has happened.  Sorry.


Unlike your review, of course. That was thrilling. Put Kafka back in his box, I tell you. Made Chekov look like James Patterson. Cervantes it certainly wasn't.

The same dull phrases in every one of your reviews. Don't you ever get bored doling out the same tired old cliches?

Nothing of interest has happened. Oh dear Dr. Phil, aren't you supposed at least to help people by exploiting their faults by means of exposing them on television?

I don't think you even got to page four. I doubt you bothered to go halfway down the first page. You just copied and pasted the same old gumph you always dribble out. But it's not just my script you do it on.

Apart from on your own script of course.

Your tactics are weak and repetitive. Worst, they are disappointing. It's like being chased by a sheep.

Now, I believe Robyn is going to pretend to help some vunerable women in need, by flogging them some of her cosmetics.

R
Posted by: rendevous, June 9th, 2015, 7:15pm; Reply: 46

Quoted from paydirt
I thought this one was pretty good.


Back to sanity. Thanks, paydirt.


Quoted from paydirt
It's well written with only a few minor errors and a couple of orphans.  The banter between Joey and Chrissy works well.


Thanks again. Oh, what's this about errors and parentless bairns? We're back to biscuits and you're talking your way out of one.


Quoted from paydirt
The action lines are verbose at times and it lagged a bit in the middle,  but overall a solid effort.


The last bit saved it. Half a jaffa cake. I'm never sure if they're biscuits or cakes. I could discuss this further, but I won't.

R
Posted by: rendevous, June 9th, 2015, 9:09pm; Reply: 47

Quoted from Dustin
Code

JOEY
Donít look at me like that. This is
important. Listen, and donít do it
again. Is he supposed to be awake
or asleep?


Don't do what again?


Just prior to this Chrissy shrugged in response to a question. This annoyed Joey enough for him to mimic him and ask him 'What the fuck was that?'

I hoped most would remember what just happened. A quick look back and you'd have seen it.


Quoted from Dustin
Code

JOEY
You sure? I thought he said
something else. I mean are you
absolutely sure? 


It can't be that difficult to remember unless this is a comedy?


It's amusing in parts. Like my face. Never been nervous and wondered what someone in charge said to you exactly? Never had a disagreement with someone about what exactly was said?


Quoted from Dustin
Code

DOM
Whyíve you bound me? Hey, Iím
talking to you.


Who talks like that in that type of situation? They'd likely scream... even men. Dialogue is way off for me so far.


Oh dear. I've explained that a few times in previous responses. Absolutely no biscuits any time soon. And I've just invested in a full pack of Farley's Rusks.  


Quoted from Dustin
Code

His voice is hoarse, pained.


Really? He's tied up and been beaten, he wakes up in a lift with the two perps, alone... I'm not buying this at all.

I'm out at page 6. The dialogue is killing it and I don't believe the actions of the characters. Even if this guy does turn out to be the Deuce and he's tricking his way out, I'm too bored to find out. Not one for me.

3 out of 10.


Oh double dear. Somewhat of a shame. Three? That is harsh. Have you only a few points left?

I was wondering what you'd think, as I thought a guy waking up in a lift with two perps would be right up there in your book. Goes to show how wrong you can be. I mean me.

Still, at least you did actually read up until page six. You've already apologised in a previous post, so I think we can both move on. Just one of us will be biscuitless. And it won't be me.

R
Posted by: rendevous, June 9th, 2015, 11:58pm; Reply: 48

Quoted from nawazm11
Hard to judge, there's a lot of banter, a lot talk, much which seems to be useless -- but I guess that could be argued.


Indeed, it has and shall be. See the previous responses. You can ignore the biscuit stuff, but only at your own risk.

Funny how these comments ebb and flow from rather good to ooh dear me bad. Much like my hairstyle.


Quoted from nawazm11
The crux of the story is good, but it's seriously a wonder on how you even stretched it for so long. Two guys grab the wrong guy, that's literally it from what I saw unless I missed something major. Cut it down, cut everything down actually -- either put more meat or leave it out. A decent effort nonetheless though.


Another wonderer. Well wonder no longer, nawazm11.

There's a bit more to it than your take on it. You were somewhat harsh there, I'm not Adam Sandler. And that Libya thing - that's got nothing to do with me. I didn't vote for the Conservatives either, I never have. And I was nowhere near poor Charles Kennedy when he went. I liked the guy.

In my script there's power play, the problems with being a gangster, the politics. All that and more in the dialogue. But if you didn't like the dialogue then it's pretty much like giving you a Mars Bar and asking you what you thought of the caramel bit when you've already proclaimed 'I don't like chocolate.'

There's loads of meat of on it, the story I mean, not the Mars Bar. There's elephants with less meat on them. Would you like a Farley's rusk?

Well you're not having one. You get one Ritz cracker, from the bottom of the box, for the very start and very end. You lost your way in the middle there completely. Much like David Cronenburg does these days.

R
Posted by: Dustin, June 10th, 2015, 6:40am; Reply: 49
I've probably unduly scored this down because I'm a little tired of that particular story where people wake up bound and the reader is led on a journey to discover why. I'd just written one in Disassociation. I have noticed that I have a certain distaste for those type of scripts recently and this unfortunately falls into that category.

There are people that would remain calm, because that's the best thing to do. Maybe if you started using the odd wrilie to help us better understand the tone of the character's lines. Because in the instance where your character says 'Whyíve you bound me? Hey, Iím talking to you.' I'm finding it difficult to imagine this actually being said. I can imagine a 'what's going on?' even a 'what are you doing?' in a slightly panicked tone... but if you wrote (calm) this would let us know how the character is handling the situation, otherwise you allow the reader to place their own tone on the words and it may not be the tone you intended.

Obviously not something you should do all the time, just when it may not be clear from the context.

I'll give it another read with a less judgemental eye as it seems quite a few people like it, so I'm obviously missing something.
Posted by: Dustin, June 10th, 2015, 6:56am; Reply: 50
I still think you need to tighten up the initial dialogue from Dom. Other than that though it's a good story. Way better than mine and I did unduly score this. I would give it a 6.5.

Only missing a 7 because I still think Dom's initial dialogue is off-kilter. Sorry again for my earlier review, I didn't give it much of a chance after that dialogue... well, I didn't give it any chance, and that was unfair.
Posted by: Dustin, June 10th, 2015, 7:18am; Reply: 51
If you do rewrite this I have a couple of suggestions. Lose the lift. Have it happen on a stairwell because the lift is out. So they have to walk the guy up the stairs. They're not going to carry him, so he needs to be brought back to consciousness. The thugs also should intimate something about the boss, about how he's expecting them and the Deuce, and that if he isn't the Deuce, they're all fucked. So their only option is to do what they end up doing.

There's no reason at all, if you make it simple enough to film, that this one wouldn't get picked up. Good luck with it.
Posted by: rendevous, June 10th, 2015, 7:46am; Reply: 52
Dustin,

Some interesting points made. I appreciate the reread and comments. I'll come back to them once I've done with the others. Thanks for that.

R
Posted by: rendevous, June 10th, 2015, 8:07pm; Reply: 53

Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo
A case of mistaken identity makes for a funny ending. It felt like a scene from a feature rather than a short, but it's got legs.


Dancing ones. I'll take all that as a compliment. Thanks.


Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Writing was okay - a bit clunky -


Steady there. You probably meant 'classy'. Easy mistake.


Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo
I'd imagine the writer knows and is itching to smooth it out.


I wouldn't count on it.


Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo
I would recommend cutting out some of the dialogue. Joey's character was annoying, I guess he's meant to be, but up against the coolness of Chrissy it wouldn't take much to get that across.


He is meant to be annoying, at least at the start. They both change tone as the story progresses.

I'm quite fond of the dialogue. Certainly could trim some, this is nearly always the case. But I think it works as it is. Only way to know for sure is say it out loud. I did that. It went quite well, apart from inadvertently amusing a neighbour. But there's not many scripts that don't need improvement. I'm not saying this is one of them. Well, I probably am. But I was trying to be modest. I suppose I should try harder. Pretty unlikely any time soon.


Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo
The Deuce is a fun name. Could be interesting to explore in some of the dialogue why they call him The Deuce. I also liked how you presented Dom at start, pretty quirky.


Steady now again. You were just telling me to cut the dialogue. I guess you mean dump some stuff and talk about the Deuce. I did that in an earlier version. Felt a bit too telling and treading water, so to speak. Mind you, I might have been doing it wrong. That's what all my women say to me.

I think the brief mention of him as I have it creates just enough intrigue. As for knowing more about the Deuce name, it's just like having a third burger. You think you want it, in fact you're sure you do, but once you do, you're not sure you did in the first place.


Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Not bad. It's been done before, but I like it.


Not by me it hasn't.

Felt original enough to me. It also was a route no-one else went with. So I think I did alright there. I like it too, the sharper tools in the box may have already realised this.

Many thanks, Johnny. Most appreciated. Have a fondant fancy and chocolate finger. No it isn't. Dirty.

R
Posted by: rendevous, June 11th, 2015, 4:09am; Reply: 54

Quoted from Grandma Bear
I don't see how Khamanna thought I wrote this! Upmarket is definitely British!  Or an Aussie thing. ;D


Spot on call with the former. I was going to a lot more disguising my origins. But it was making it worse rather than better, so I stopped and did it properly instead.

I giggled when I heard the guesses. I was quite pleased you got picked for it, as your writing is rather good and often gets filmed. I was also thankful they didn't pick a dunce, or a dick.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
I liked this one. Easy piecy read. It could be trimmed just a tad as the banter started to feel that it was just filling space after awhile.


Your employment of the word 'tad' there saved you from having the biscuit cupboard locked for the night.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Like the sounds over black. I could picture it perfectly. Well, you know what I mean. :)


Indeed I do. Naturally I thoroughly agree. Some thought it a mistake. They were obviously having some type of emotional crisis, or perhaps suffering from a severe head cold. It did seem to give Rick some type of existential crisis. More on that later. Next I intend to bring world peace and end world hunger with a dark piece about a bloke in the bath with a duck.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
I liked how Dom only had one slipper on. Gives me a pretty clear idea he was nabbed in surprise.

Also liked the freeze frame at the end, right before they hit Dom.


You're building up to a full plate of ginger nuts. Nope, not a euphemism, they're delicious. I may even throw in a couple of penguins. For foreigners unfamiliar with these, It's a fine chocolate bicuit bar. They're not even penguin shaped. Or fishy. It's all rather bizarre when you think about it. Hmmm, Should probably move on.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Great job. Humbled that someone thought I wrote it.  Congrats on your short! Someone will probably pick this one up.  8)


Humbled? I'm honoured. I should probably wrap this soon before it gets too gushy and we decide to form a mutual appreciation society.

Your last sentence is about as good as it gets. Many thanks indeed.

R
Posted by: rendevous, June 11th, 2015, 8:01am; Reply: 55
Alas, we can no longer stay up at the lofty heights of the last review.


Quoted from PrussianMosby
The Deuce


Yes it is. Well spotted.


Quoted from PrussianMosby
"...and pulls out a crumpled photo to hold it
beside Domís head..."

That doesn't work. They don't come across that stupid, having a picture and not checking it right away.


I know! I think I must have wrote it when I was out of my head on Benylin. Or maybe Night Nurse. It was probably sucking on too many Victory Vs that pushed me over the edge. Good job they weren't Fisherman's Friends.

Other people read it. Strangely, they never noticed or mentioned it. Some of them really liked it. We'll skip over the ones who didn't, cowering over there in the corner and on the naughty step staring into spoons, whilst they contemplate their mistakes.

Hmm, probably could have skipped a bit faster there.

Suffice to say I disagree. It works in the context. And I like it.


Quoted from PrussianMosby
Feltz Ė I don't like that you use him as a goal but don't fulfill my interest to see him.


Oh dear. I'd give you a biscuit to apologize, but I'm unsure you'd like it.

The unseen monster is far scarier to me. I imagine this idea isn't one you subscribe to. I've dealt with this point in a previous review, to oJOHNNYoNUTSo, if memory serves.


Quoted from PrussianMosby
I don't understand the last line "Youíll be a Deuce soon."


Oh come on. Now you're just being silly.


Quoted from PrussianMosby
Does it mean they took the wrong one and want to hit him that he looks like the right guy? Make it clearer then. (Tell us the picture and the guy don't match)


See, you do understand. I think if I did what you request you'd probably think I made it too obvious. I prefer subtle. Their actions and dialogue demonstrate their feelings. Now tell me, did you read this while jogging?


Quoted from PrussianMosby
I can tell the characters ask each other a huuuuuge amount of questions. Check that if you want to.


Check it? Alright. Yes, they do. Well, they ask some, but it's not a huge amount. You're exaggerating, and being a bit silly again.


Quoted from PrussianMosby
You were on a great track; I was intrigued by the story. Simply the points I've mentioned above had hurt that whole journey. Especially the ending.


Hurt your journey. Most people had a great time. Here's a spoon. Take a journey to the naughty step.

The fact you said I was on a great track and intrigued caught me unawares. For that alone you get a cream cracker.

R
Posted by: realxwriter, June 11th, 2015, 8:55am; Reply: 56
Loved the dialogue and loved the characters. Well done. At some point the exchanged looks and lines started to get a bit repetitive. But I admire how you made this short, character-driven story such a success. Well done.
Posted by: rendevous, June 12th, 2015, 3:54am; Reply: 57

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Alright Renners,


Indeed I am. Good to hear from you, STF.


Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
The opening lines disturbed the tranquil centre of my mind. It read wrong, like you'd broken some ungodly law of writing nature.


That has happened before.

I'm not sure I intended to disturb the tranquil centre of your mind. It's rare I recommend transcendental meditation, but anything to help.

I'm taking all this as a compliment. Either that or you're winding me up. Regardless of whichever it is, I quite like it.


Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
I think it's because you start with nouns, and then start sticking verbs in there. Muffled voices. A distant siren. Engine revs???  Or An Engine revving??? Instead of an engine revs?  You are going from specific noises to actions...which weirded me out.


The desired effect. I'm always enormously pleased when someone puts the time in to read closely. It is flattering. Hence my flippancy with those that obviously skim, then scribble a chapter length tirade boiling with indignation.


Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
I read it a few times, trying to bring sense to my increasingly chaotic world, but there were red faces at the windows with chattering teeth and I'd already peeled off my own fingernails, so I didn't know which way was up by the end. Maybe you were right all along.


I'm still taking all this as a compliment, and quite a big one.  


Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
You are a very proficient writer. Your scripts always have the "mass" of a professional. They feel solid in your hands. Glossy. Like polished teak.


This is the type of stuff I should put in a bio, but I'd blush. Thank you though, no higher compliment have I received.


Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Images flood into one's consciousness unbidden, looking as smart and swanky as any Hollywood flick. That's got to be a good thing.


It is. It's a great thing. Very kind of you to say. Well put too, and of course completely accurate.


Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Tone is excellent. Guy Ritchie vibe.


I do hope we're talking circa Lock Stock and Snatch, rather than Rock n'Rolla.


Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
"CHRISSY
You can ravish him for all I care."

Great line.


Indeed. One of my favourites. It was more blunt in the first draft. Revising it made it more amusing, but also a little more sinister.


Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Characters are familiar, but they work.

Page 4, doors opening...good beat.


I thank you.


Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Initial feeling when I got to the end was one of disappointment. The build up was so expert, that I was expecting some huge pay off rather than just the comedy of them beating the guy to look like the Deuce.


Oh dear.


Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Then I thought it was clever.


Had me worried there. I'm glad you came back.


Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
I don't really know and I don't want to see those red faces at the window again.

Rick


I don't blame you. Of all the reactions to this script, yours is the one that will stick most in my mind. Many thanks. You do fine work.

R
Posted by: rendevous, June 12th, 2015, 8:41pm; Reply: 58

Quoted from khamanna
Congrats, ren. I liked it a lot, but in the end went meaner and decided to give it a consider instead of recommend. Being too nice to people is not my thing - sorry.

But this was both funny and suspenseful. I'd put it under a comedy - it really is.


I was going to tell you off properly, but it's probably a bit late now. I'm not sure you could be too nice to me. There's a few others who try to do the opposite.

No need to apologise, Khamanna. Your name still makes that tune appear in my head.  


Quoted from Dustin
I've probably unduly scored this down because I'm a little tired of that particular story where people wake up bound and the reader is led on a journey to discover why. I'd just written one in Disassociation. I have noticed that I have a certain distaste for those type of scripts recently and this unfortunately falls into that category.


As we can see above, you weren't alone in unduly underscoring. As for the rest, fair enough.

Some scripts ring too many bells for some readers. I wanted to keep in mainly in the lift and see how I could make these two characters work. Which I think did.


Quoted from Dustin
There are people that would remain calm, because that's the best thing to do. Maybe if you started using the odd wrilie to help us better understand the tone of the character's lines. Because in the instance where your character says 'Whyíve you bound me? Hey, Iím talking to you.' I'm finding it difficult to imagine this actually being said. I can imagine a 'what's going on?' even a 'what are you doing?' in a slightly panicked tone... but if you wrote (calm) this would let us know how the character is handling the situation, otherwise you allow the reader to place their own tone on the words and it may not be the tone you intended.

Obviously not something you should do all the time, just when it may not be clear from the context.

I'll give it another read with a less judgemental eye as it seems quite a few people like it, so I'm obviously missing something.


And you did.

The problem with wrylies, or parentheticals, is they give strict instruction. I've often peppered my scripts with them, as I've a specific tone in mind. But they don't read so well.

Too many and I find they often take the edge off a story, as you feel the writer is a bit too insecure to let the reader's hand go.  

I'd prefer to let the reader decide how a line is said. Although obviously this can backfire when they think the line doesn't work.


Quoted from Dustin
I still think you need to tighten up the initial dialogue from Dom. Other than that though it's a good story. Way better than mine and I did unduly score this. I would give it a 6.5.


Thanks. Obviously I think you're being shy with the points, but it's a vast improvement on the previous.


Quoted from Dustin
Only missing a 7 because I still think Dom's initial dialogue is off-kilter. Sorry again for my earlier review, I didn't give it much of a chance after that dialogue... well, I didn't give it any chance, and that was unfair.


It was a little. But you've more than made up for that. If only some others would have the same amount of decency and backbone.


Quoted from Dustin
If you do rewrite this I have a couple of suggestions. Lose the lift. Have it happen on a stairwell because the lift is out. So they have to walk the guy up the stairs. They're not going to carry him, so he needs to be brought back to consciousness. The thugs also should intimate something about the boss, about how he's expecting them and the Deuce, and that if he isn't the Deuce, they're all fucked. So their only option is to do what they end up doing.

There's no reason at all, if you make it simple enough to film, that this one wouldn't get picked up. Good luck with it.



It's an interesting idea. I'm thinking about it. There's a director I know who I'll run it by. No doubt he'll run a country mile, but I'll chase after him anyway.

R
Posted by: rendevous, June 14th, 2015, 12:48am; Reply: 59

Quoted from realxwriter
Loved the dialogue and loved the characters. Well done.


And well done you for having such exceptional taste.


Quoted from realxwriter
At some point the exchanged looks and lines started to get a bit repetitive.


No they didn't. You'll end up in the naughty corner staring into a spoon at this rate.


Quoted from realxwriter
But I admire how you made this short, character-driven story such a success. Well done.


Saved yourself. You can keep the spoon as you talked yourself out of a biscuit before.

Many thanks. I appreciate the read and the comments. Apart from the bit in the middle.

R
Posted by: medstudent, July 2nd, 2015, 10:48am; Reply: 60
Rendevous,
Finally got around to reading this. Sorry it took so long. I haven't read previous reviews so this may be redundant.

I understand this was written for a one week challenge. Not sure if this is the first version or subsequent drafts. Either way, overall I liked this. A contained script with limited characters can do a lot. I felt though this could be so much more in terms of suspense, etc.

Three main things I see with this...

The first is the dialogue. When writing dialogue I always consider what EACH of the characters want when they walk into a scene. While your characters have similar goals (get the guy to point A), EACH character will have his/her own internal goal. One that is not explicitly stated. It is the internal dialogue that drives how characters speak within a scene. I think I referenced Silver Linings Playbook in a previous post. Specifically, when the two main characters are in the restaurant for the first time. When they speak we understand each's internal goal that drives the dialogue. One wants to hook up with the other while the other person just wants to find a way out of there. There is rarely any "ping-pong" style dialogue.

MAN
Do you want to eat?

GIRL
Yes.

MAN
What to you want?

GIRL
Chicken.

Good dialogue rarely does this. This is what your characters do for most of this script. And unfortunately your script relies on GREAT dialogue to be successful. Most people (good film characters) say what they think will get them that thing they want. They rarely respond ping pong style (Occasionally this is done intentionally though). You should write your dialogue like you write your posts... tangential, often cryptic, strange but mostly interesting. I enjoy reading your posts for the dialogue alone.

MAN
Do you want to eat?

WOMAN
What the fuck is your problem?

MAN
What do you want to eat?

WOMAN
You think you can do whatever you want, to whomever you want?

MAN
So, you want chicken?


It would likely be way more subtle than this though you get the idea.


The other important piece in your story that could be improved are the character traits for each. I liked where you started to go initially though didn't follow through. Initially, you have Chrissy as the calm, cool one (which is a great character trait for this situation) yet "Chrissy pulls Joey close." at one point. This would not be the action of an uber calm, cool guy. I say, find each's main trait and pull it to an extreme to see where it takes you. Chrissy is so cool that he NEVER pulls his gun. He NEVER lays a hand on the guy. He doesn't have to. He clips his fingernails the whole time. He's bored with this. On the other hand, Joey is the opposite... hair trigger, paranoid, etc.

Finally, I don't really feel the tension build because I don't know what is at stake. I get that they are trying to get this guy to the top floor, but what happens if they don't? What's at stake? They've screwed up so much that if they screw this up they'll be done in? I think identifying this would allow you to build the tension and make the pay off (beating the guy to make him look like the Deuce) more significant.

With all that being said though, I really enjoy your writing style and overall enjoyed this script/story. There could be more to this little piece.

Hope this was helpful.

Best,
Joseph
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