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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  May, 2015 One Week Challenge  /  Just the Tip - OWC
Posted by: Don, May 24th, 2015, 12:27pm
Just the Tip by 0 - Short, Dark Comedy - A proud elevator operator fights to protect those in his charge -- unless that is, they opt for the stairs… 10 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Pete B. Lane, May 24th, 2015, 1:22pm; Reply: 1
This was well-written and I enjoyed the humor quite a bit. It wasn't laugh-out-loud funny, but that clearly wasn't the author's intent.

I caught on to what was happening early in the script (perhaps too early) and what was finally revealed wasn't entirely satisfying (but close). It left me wanting to know more, but in this case that's a good thing.

A solid effort. I'll give it a B+.
Posted by: Jeremiah Johnson, May 24th, 2015, 1:34pm; Reply: 2
Well written.  I liked it.  Interesting to say the least.  I liked the mix of characters.  It kept the action going.  Good job.
Posted by: JSimon, May 24th, 2015, 6:31pm; Reply: 3
what I liked:

- very well written! A breeze to read! Much appreciated!
- dialogue shows this also to be a talented writer. Nothing particularly memorable, but extremely competent.

suggestions to improve:

I am on the way out the door, so will have to come back and read this again, because I am confused. The funny thing is the other day I had the idea for a story about a creature who inhabits the elevator shaft. This was close to that. But what I don’t understand is the 13th floor stuff. If this creature rides the elevator, and it clearly was, what does the 13 th floor matter? Is it because the creature or killer lives on the 13th and hops onto the roof every time the elevator goes by? How does he get back to the 13th? I think maybe that part really doesn’t make sense, but maybe I am missing something
- “I. Do as I. Damn. Well. Please!” minor quibble: lose the periods. It slows the rhythm of the dialogue and adds nothing to justify that slowing.
potential for expansion to feature or series:
absolutely has potential for a series!

filming potential:
sure

investment in story and characters:

well, I like the bellhop. However, he is never in danger or jeopardy, so there is some investment, but limited conflict to show us his character

EDIT: thought about this a little overnight. I'm still not sure how the 13th floor thing works. Maybe I'm missing something easy. This creature seems to ride the elevator, so the danger should exist whenever one is on the elevator. But this a comedy of sorts so maybe that doesn't matter/.
Posted by: Iancou, May 24th, 2015, 6:38pm; Reply: 4
Well-written and moving... in the sense there was no lag in the action. Shadwell definitely had his hands full with both the passengers and the elevator. Not much to offer in the way of advice.
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, May 24th, 2015, 6:58pm; Reply: 5
Thought this was well written, good economy in the script and flowed well.

The elevator and the flow of characters is effective and the interplay is good, personally think it would add to the macabe if Shadwell was old not young... but that's just my opinion...

The 13th floor, well some buildings dont have them (apparently) so not all lifts have a 13th button, this does appear to... but the monsters only appear on the lift at that point, sorry don;t really understand why.

The reveal was a little too straightforward imho nut worked for what it was,

Decent job.

Anthony
Posted by: rendevous, May 25th, 2015, 2:16am; Reply: 6
It appears to be compulsory to start comments on this script with the phrase 'well written'. Far be it from me to break this tradition.

This was alright. It was rather gentle and old fashioned comedy. Much in the style of Bob Hope or the like. Up until the last few pages where it picked up a bit. Felt like it needed a bit more though.

R
Posted by: stevie, May 25th, 2015, 2:36am; Reply: 7
Just The Tip - could've been an alternate title for the Necro File one  :K) :'(

Liked this. As RV said, it had that old charm about it. And I liked how the things going on unseen stay that way so we can imagine to ourselves what sorta shit is going down (or up lol)

Posted by: DanC, May 25th, 2015, 3:05am; Reply: 8
I thought it was okay.  I found it slightly boring.  And the end didn't offer any answers.

It was a good read, the author is obviously skilled, but, too many questions, a bit boring.

7/10
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, May 25th, 2015, 3:55pm; Reply: 9
Shadwell - I used to change trains, or should I say underground to the DLR, that's  London speak - there. It's a tough place. I'll guess a Brit writer..only because of that.

Good script.

But imagine a script without a meat hook. To me it could be a better script.

Shadwell (just for your info for the spelling check for  shadwell on an iPad are serious annoying) is the best drawn character I have read on this OWC so far.

It just goes to show it doesn't need much.  No family, not past, yet I have a sense I know this guy...at that point.

Damn - is the best so far ?.. What I will say this is the best with potential.
Posted by: eldave1, May 25th, 2015, 4:26pm; Reply: 10
Throughout, you have this problem:

Quoted Text

SHADWELL
Good morning sir.


There needs to be a comma between morning and sir. True for all instances when someone is addressing a character. You have this error in almost every line of dialogue.

I didn't like this is a much as some of the others did - so maybe it's me. It seemed to drag a bit once we got the sense of what was going on.
Posted by: eldave1, May 25th, 2015, 4:28pm; Reply: 11

Quoted from rendevous
It appears to be compulsory to start comments on this script with the phrase 'well written'. Far be it from me to break this tradition.

This was alright. It was rather gentle and old fashioned comedy. Much in the style of Bob Hope or the like. Up until the last few pages where it picked up a bit. Felt like it needed a bit more though.

R


I think this comment was well written :)
Posted by: Simon, May 26th, 2015, 1:51pm; Reply: 12
I thought this was reasonably entertaining. It reminds me slightly of a Jake and Amir sketch, with the tongue and everything. It wasn't hilarious, but it's the kind of comedy you can sit down and relax to, if you know what I mean. (Apart from the tongue bit).
Posted by: RichardR, May 26th, 2015, 2:58pm; Reply: 13
I liked this one although I found the meat hook a gratuitous.  I don't think it's needed, just the splash of blood.  Enough for an elegant elevator operator.  Whatever lives in the shaft is dangerous enough for me, but I would still like a little explanation, especially since the regulars know about it and do nothing.  hmmmm.

Anyway, good job.

Best
Richard
Posted by: EWall433, May 28th, 2015, 8:51am; Reply: 14
Well, you definitely created intrigue about what was on the 13th floor. And you paid it off in bizarre fashion. It would’ve been nice to have a couple more hints about this world. A lot of people in the building seem to be well aware of this… thing. The woman going to the 13th floor had me thinking, is it just in the elevator shaft? Is that even possible, and how is it limited to the 13th floor? It would’ve been nice to know more about how this building’s occupants relate to it. Is it a secret to the outside world? Have they tried to get rid of it? Is it recent? Did Shadwell know about it when he took the job?

Filling in some of these gaps may have made me feel more connected to the world, which I think is the main thing holding me back. Otherwise, a clever entry.
Posted by: MarkRenshaw, May 28th, 2015, 9:47am; Reply: 15
I found this very amusing and confusing.

Shadwell is a great, quirky character. The premise is quite bizarre but inventive. There’s something on the 13th floor that Shadwell protects his passengers from, something he can’t protect them from if they go on the stairs. Very interesting but then we have people who seem to have survived the stairs so whatever it is can’t be lethal…or is it?

No-one reacts to the thing on the roof so maybe in this universe the 13th floor beast is well known, but then the Heavyset guy doesn’t seem to have a clue.

I take it the Ping-Pong ball is like a fish hook? Very creative. You don’t specify where the meathook comes from though so I was a little lost here. Is it from the ping pong man?

The last action line has me puzzled as well - Shadwell hooks his cap on the peg and rolls out his neck. – Is rolling out of the neck some expression I’m not aware of or does he literally roll out his neck?

This was set in an elevator, not sure about shoestring budget because of the elaborate fishing death at the end but this is crazy bonkers, creative and entertaining. I’d just suggest another pass to make a few points a bit clearer but this is…dare I say it…well written!

-Mark
Posted by: Dreamscale, May 28th, 2015, 10:16am; Reply: 16
4 more scripts to go.  If I can stay in, I'll be detailed.

Alot of direction early on, for no apparent reason.

Shadwell's intro is...odd...awkwardly phrased lines with no verbs - I don't like that at all.

The writing is not for me at all early on.

Oh boy...no named characters?  Only physical cue names?  Weak...very weak.

Is this supposed to be a comedy?  Maybe it is.  OK, just checked.  Yep...dark comedy.  Not my thang at all...not remotely funny, and overly long winded on the opening page.  I'll check out Page 2, but I'm afraid this elevator ride is going to end very soon for this kid.

In dialogue, you need to offset the subject with a comma...always!  Looks like you never do it.

OK, made it past page 2...let's keep going...

Sorry, but this is just very dull and I don't see any comedy.  I'm going to gracefully bow out now.
Posted by: nawazm11, May 29th, 2015, 10:01am; Reply: 17
A mixed bag for me, I appreciate the writing, and Shadwell's a delight to watch. Not sure about the lack of a payoff for the paranormal -- but I guess it doesn't matter. The script is simple, but in saying that, because it doesn't really push anything, it's hard for it to go wrong. A script that doesn't go wrong is always a good script. This is a nice effort, nothing too extraordinary but a good addition to the challenge.
Posted by: Stumpzian, May 29th, 2015, 2:37pm; Reply: 18


"Just the Tip" -- of the iceberg? Meaning we're getting just a suggestion of what's going on? If so, well done. I  like (some) stories that imply without specifics. Little mysteries.

Here's one. Why does Shadwell take his hat off each time the elevator doors close?

The script moves along crisply. The dialogue is natural. The tone is understated.

A minor spelling correction. The suit back-pedals (not peddles).

I like it.
Posted by: wonkavite (Guest), May 29th, 2015, 7:48pm; Reply: 19
Well, I really like the potential concept of this one.  And there are bits of this script that shine through as having a solid writer behind it. (The intro description of the bellhop, and the stylish non-name descriptions of several of the characters.)

As for the execution - it felt to me as if it could be tightened up.  And then the violent hook death at the end.  While nicely vivid, it felt gratitous.  And there's no real explanation as to the whys and hows what's going on - which left me with a feeling of confusion rather than the mystery that I think you're going for.

But worth a tweaking once this contest's over!
Posted by: Dustin, May 30th, 2015, 2:45am; Reply: 20
Things happen without explanation.

4.5 out of 10.
Posted by: Pale Yellow, June 1st, 2015, 7:31pm; Reply: 21
I like this from the start. Shadwell is a well build character.

The whole elevator roof thing and Shadwell's reaction builds mystery. Good job.

Great dialogue.

I do not know what this means:
Shadwell hooks his cap on the peg and rolls out his neck.

BUT I love this one. Great mystery. Great writing. Easy read (except the one line) and I love it. Great job.
Posted by: PrussianMosby, June 3rd, 2015, 8:55pm; Reply: 22
Just the Tip

"Coins rattle across the floor
as the Suit hastily deposits loose change into Shadwell’s hand."

The above is chronologically upside down.

"A meathook punches out through his mouth in a mashing
of blood and teeth."

So, was it coming through the hatch, same as the ping pong ball?  Is it a close-up, so that we really only see the hook smashing through him?     I guess so.
Same with the tongue. It was not on screen, and then Shadwell has it in hand.

^^I honor the risk you take. But - concerning the hook-thing, I'd take into consideration to add it as a CLOSE ON next time. The reader could raise doubts or lose trust in you b/c of the missing description about the direction the strike comes from. By the way: I completely understand why you don't want to give it away where it comes from...

Okay, I guess if you're nice toward the elevator boy, he watches out for the hatch, so the monster atop of the lift is not going to kill you. That's all I got out from it here. I like the boy, he's a bit melancholic which brings aura and ambiance to the script.

Writer: The script is far too long, too many rides with passengers, for not having another message than the conclusion I made above and a gory murder at the climax. Still, good entry, just faaaaarrrrr  tooooo   loooonnng.
Posted by: c m hall, June 4th, 2015, 2:00pm; Reply: 23
I like this very much, Shadwell is a wonderful character, his dialogue with the patrons is extremely entertaining.

The jiggle toy is terrific and the squeaks are the right mix of being annoying and terrifying.

The timing of every expected and unexpected action in the elevator seem perfect, as written, if this is filmed there has to be special care given to allowing a feeling of roominess in the elevator, I think; enough so that Shadwell's acrobatics can be fully appreciated.  It would be a shame if his heroic actions looked merely silly, in the crammed space.
Posted by: oJOHNNYoNUTSo, June 6th, 2015, 7:54pm; Reply: 24
Another script with an anthology feel to it. I enjoyed the quirkiness of Shadwell and reactions from everyone who is near him. The ending was the standout.

Meathook caught me by surprise, I wasn't expecting that. And that's not necessarily a good thing here, but I like how it was delivered. Maybe not my thing entirely, however the roof mystery kept me going. I do wanna say the dialogue, although not bad at all, felt choppy a times.
Posted by: stevemiles, June 9th, 2015, 8:35am; Reply: 25
Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and post on this.  Feedback’s always appreciated.

Just to address a few comments:

This was always meant to be more of a Twilight Zone/Tales of the Crypt, style idea -- no real logic behind it, more a bit of camp/gory fun, nothing more.  

I didn’t really go into this with the intention of having an answer to the ‘lift monster’ as such.  Space being one constraint; the other being I didn’t feel an explanation would make it any more plausible (and probably leave more questions than answers).

That said, I kind of had an idea that the ‘lift monster’ was an ex-employee, driven insane and now lurking in the lift-shaft around the 13th floor.  Again, ‘it’ could ride the elevator up and down -- the 13th floor was just the cue for its appearance.    

‘...rolls out his neck...’ -- as in loosening/limbering up; working out the kinks etc.  He’s going for another run past floor 13.  Perhaps not the line to end on.

The idea of the ‘jiggle toy’ was as a crude method of distraction -- the meathook is then dropped in behind the victim (a la Christie Cleek) and used to haul them off into the shaft.  It was meant to be sudden and come out of nowhere -- hence it wasn’t 'shown' happening.  Interesting that a number of people felt it too gratuitous -- the whole idea was written around that moment, though perhaps the tone wasn't consistent.  I’ll have to consider losing/changing it for a rewrite.      

Anthony -- I considered making Shadwell an older character as opposed to a young man.  There were a fair amount of pros/cons for each.  Something I’ll keep in mind.

Eldave1 -- good spot on the dialogue commas, missed those.

Stumpzian -- he takes his hat off so as not to lose it while he secures the hatch.  The repetition is used as a visual cue as to what’s coming.

Bill -- it never occurred to me that Shadwell was a London Station -- funny though I was riding the underground (and looking at the map) a day before writing -- I wonder?

Thanks again for the comments.  I kind of like this one, will definitely be looking at a rewrite to address some of the suggestions.

Steve.
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