The Honey Trap by Anthony Hudson (allfy) - Short - It's make or break in a couples relationship.  Will it survive the ultimate test? 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Alffy,

This was short and sweet. Wasn't sure where you were going there for a while. I'll say no more about the plot in order not to spoil it for others.

Writing's pretty good. I think it needed a little more in the way of story. I've no idea what, it just seemed a bit short for me.

Nevertheless, rather good and enjoyable.

R

Heya Alffy,

A little predictable perhaps and I kinda feel like I've seen it before, but it's short and effective and would probably be a beginner filmmaker's dream. Some may encourage a twist with the twist - but you'd only want to do that if you can think of something really special, otherwise I'd leave well enough alone.

Good luck with it!

Short, sweet and simple. It does the job and that's what makes a story work. Could do with an edit though.

Good luck.

Anthony,

this is not a test of how to read comments.

Nice, short little tale.  Don't know why he needs to be tested in the first place.  might make more sense if she had reason to verify his faithfulness.  And the ending was expected.  works in the main though.

Best
Richard

Cheers guys.

This is the first thing I've posted in years and it's something I wrote in an hour.  I'm pretty happy you all enjoyed it for what it was; a fun little piece.

Time to post a few more I think.

Thanks again.

Anthony

KELLY
I don’t take sugar. I’m sweet enough
already.

- While she does seem sexy and provocative on the basis to her description and body language she really needs to work on her flirtatious banter. That's an old chestnut, love, long overused ;)

KELLY
Come one, we’re sisters. She tells me everything.

- Yeah, Bradley should know that sisters will talk. Nothing too surprising there.

This was amusing but unfortunately the initial twist of Beth actually being there and it all being a test of Bradley’s faithfulness was very obvious from the outset. So much so that I’m presuming you are well aware of this. Still, it doesn’t do much for the surprise element of the script.

Secondly, although I first thought Bradley was actually fleeing the scene thus passing the test, when I saw him at the glove compartment of his car I knew what he was searching for right away before you revealed in the last line.

In fairness, I don’t know how you can really avoid this forecasting given the nature of the set up but I do believe most readers will be one step ahead of the narrative throughout the 4 pages. Perhaps this won’t be the case on screen though. When we’re reading we obviously have more time to speculate and anticipate where the story is going.

Col.

Alffy,

This was a very smooth read with a cute pay-off.
However, I think you could up the ante using some -- dramatic irony.

For instance, have a prologue with the two sisters hatching the scheme.
Letting the reader in on the secret that allows us to have the same fun as the sisters.

Readers hate being isolated by an unclear storyline. It makes us feel dumb.
But if you let us in on the secret, we feel like part of your world. :-)

Now we can enjoy watching the guy squirm, because we're invested.
Good luck with this project. I can see someone filming this!

Regards,
EDreamer

Col, thanks for the read and your comments.  You picked up on some good points, as always, and I'm not sure how to rectify them lol.

Brett, cheers for the return read.  Nice idea with the prologue, I might just put that in :)

I didn't expect twist in the end but soon as I read it I felt like I've read/heard/seen this before.

Thanks for the read and glad you didn't see the twist coming.