Lone Star Runner Hunnies by CJ Walley - Short, Crime, Thriller - Fleeing a drug deal gone wrong, four girls held up in a lonely Texas diner face the dilemma of capture vs saving a mortally wounded friend. - pdf, format 8)

Hey CJ,

A few thoughts, as always, just my opinion, and there's plenty of those around ;-)

1) Like the opening and the fact that we know something is going on but not what.
2) MAD ADDY stands doorway pissed off, - think this is missing 'in the'
3) Should the girls have ages listed, I'm getting a late teen, early twenties vibe  but might be worth an explicit mention.
4) The truckers seem a little passive, perhaps the could/should interject?
5) Does Mad Addy need the Mad bit of her name?
5) Liked the banter, flows well.
6) Like the perceptive Jake, but wouldnn;t such a Diner have a waitress as well as a cook?

Is this part of a larger piece? It sorta feels like it as we come in very late and leave early, this of course could be what you were going for ;-)

If it's a longer piece, I look foward to seeing some more. (see you over on S32!)

Anthony

Felt a bit like Thelma & Louise to me, that's a good thing btw.

The story wasn't bad at all but I felt something was missing, perhaps this would've worked better as a larger story?

I'm a big fan of BOLD SLUGS, just makes everything that much clearer for me, it's a style choice that some people frown upon.

There was lines which appeared a little bit awkward to me...

MAD ADDY stands doorway pissed off

Missing word.

Jake rushes in and reels shocked. The girls stare guilty.

You might want to consider revising this line, it reads a bit awkwardly, a comma wouldn't hurt perhaps.

Wasn't really too much to argue with, I had a minor issue with the OPENING SLUG...

EXT. DINER, TEXAS DESERT - DAY

I'd swap DINER and TEXAS DESERT around, as you normally start with the biggest location, then the location within the location.

That's a nitpick and nobody really cares about stuff like that, the slugs were clear for me.

I think you do a good job of keeping the writing simple, not much over-writing to speak of. Just quick, short, snappy little passages which get the point across.

I did scan through your feature "Interstate Juggernaut" and did see that you've got some consistency there with your writing.

All I can say is, go over your work more because there is simple errors here which detract a lot from your writing. I'm not sure if English is your first language, so don't take it as an insult.

That's all I have to say, if you want me to explain a little more about this just PM me, or reply here.

CJ,

Comments are like diner food.  Wholesome but not gourmet.

This one didn't make much sense to me.  We have three girls who charge into the diner.  Why?  What's in the diner?  They can't seem to  help the hurt girl.  It doesn't appear that they were to  meet mad addy there.  They stole a car and wanted to eat?  

Then mad addy does show up.  She walked?  Come on.  The only real drama comes when they face the need to call for EMTs which will land them in jail?  That's a dilemma, and it should be exploited to the max.  The dialogue is too on the nose.  These girls know all about each other, right?  Show that.  And the ending is ineffective because there is no real setup for it.  Think about ramping up the rivalries between them.  Give us some back story.  Are two of them lovers?  Is there a triangle to exploit?  Work that angle.

Best
Richard

CJ, what? Nothing to add? Defend your choices, say whether you agree or disagree etc. We're a friendly lot here. Well, most of us... :)

Quoted from CJ Walley Agree with all the feedback and will process it all in any further revised drafts. :)

Well, you're very amendable. Welcome to the boards from one of SSs 'gritty female leads'. ;D

I kind of wish CJ was more active as well, he has a style of writing which I like.

He keeps it simple.

Quoted from LC Well, you're very amendable. Welcome to the boards from one of SSs 'gritty female leads'. ;D

I shouldn't say anything...  I shouldn't say anything.

Libby.....is......an......Aussie

Not friendly....  

I lied.  I'm a bad person, and I've not read the story yet.  I plan to, but, I loved the Gritty female lead"  it was too funny to pass up.  

Actually, you will find a lot of people on here  fun to work with.  Libby, Pia, Janet, Max, me, Mark,

trust me when I say, if you take the time to read and critique others' scripts, you will gain so much more then you give.  I joined a few months ago, and I have honestly learned more about screenwriting, mostly what not to do, in the 3 months I've been here then the 20 years before that.

My advice CJ honestly,
Look at the reviews and look at WHY people say them.  That is why LC (Libby) wanted you to defend them.  Have an opinion.  Without knowing your script/world etc, you can't learn.  

I'm not saying you should defend something you did wrong, but, if you have a question or a rebuttal, that is how you learn.  I asked a lot of people and I'm sure some wondered if I was really stoopid or inquisitive or have diarrhea of the fingers (he never shuts up like a blathering idiot).

And know people know.

I'm ....

Dan

I'm gonna read your script.

I was told for ages, you should use actual ages, there is a big difference between 40 and 49.  So, pick an actual age...

Scotty is a woman's name??  Okay...

You didn't give ages for the 3 women, at least not yet...

I thought it was okay.  Again, lots of questions that you don't answer.  It seems like an exert from a much larger story, a full-length perhaps then a short.

You didn't describe the girls at all.  We don't know anything at all.  that's okay, but, it's also a bit annoying.

If I was you, I'd read some scripts here on this site.  It's wonderful for shorts.  There are so many good ones to pick from, including Libby's own Simpatico.  But, there are lots, including horror, suspense etc.  

You can try the sister site to this site:  http://www.simplyscripts.com

And like I said, there are lots of great shorts in every genre.

Good luck.  I hope you expand this, a lot.

Dan

In defence of CJ... well kinda... he has historically been very active over on Stage32 and is very much in the good egg camp!

Quoted from LC Well, you're very amendable.

Do you mean amenable? Amendable can work on some level which is why I'm asking. Seems like you mean amenable though.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Do you mean amenable? Amendable can work on some level which is why I'm asking. Seems like you mean amenable though.

I could claim otherwise but... No! I meant amenable. The new stupid tablet however has a mind of its own.

I emailed Ian the other day - tablet changed it to Iran.  ::)
Think I'll stick to the keyboard when typing on SS, at least, or my rep for pedantry with typos will go out the window.

Thanks, Dustin. (btw, you're just as bad as me, I notice).

Oh, and Dan, you can stop spruiking Simpatico - this week, at least - I'm a bit low on money at the moment.  ;D

No confusion my end - just a welcome.  Least you know where you can get it if you need /want it - feedback, that is.  Good luck.  :)

Quoted from LC I could claim otherwise but... No! I meant amenable. The new stupid tablet however has a mind of its own. I emailed Ian the other day - tablet changed it to Iran.  ::) Think I'll stick to the keyboard when typing on SS, at least, or my rep for pedantry with typos will go out the window. Thanks, Dustin. (btw, you're just as bad as me, I notice). Oh, and Dan, you can stop spruiking Simpatico - this week, at least - I'm a bit low on money at the moment.  ;D

So, does this mean that I won't be getting my cut this month??? :(