Cinephiles & Caffeinated Drinks by Jonathan Sieff - Short, Comedy - A series of vignettes centered on the employees of an independent video store in Camden. 22 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Jonathan

Took a look at this, my comments are just my opinon, other opinions are available ;-)

I quite liked this, there's some decent banter and loads of film in jokes, so I'm probably already biased because of the subject matter.

But a few thoughts around elements that didn't work so well for me.
1) The shop seems to be quiet, failing almost, so how can it afford to pay for all the staff?
2) Perhaps Tony could not be staff, just someone who hangs around and 'helps'?
3) There's no confict so everything just sort of meanders along.
4) You can turn off your CONTs in whichever software you are using, most people do.
5) Some of the film references/choices from the characters seem a little too easy for a bunch of cinephiles, e.g. Plan 9 as worst film.

This reminds me of something, maybe Be Kind Rewind, it felt comfortable - that's a compliment... I just think it needs some narrative drive to propel it a little - perhaps trying to save the store from closure?

Could work as a comedic web series too.

Anthony

Jonathan,

Don't try to find comments in a film story.

I'm not a fan of self-referential stories.  In this case, it's a film about people who talk about film.  But they don't talk about all film, it's almost all about comedy and sci-fi.  OK, those are good genres, but there are a lot of other genres not mentioned, a lot of great films not in the banter.  The banter is fine but not off the wall funny.  For me, it didn't click.  Do I really care about a small group of film fans trying to win a prize for best one-liner of the day?  

Best
Richard

Hi Jonathan,
    I'm gonna read your script.  I'll make comments as I see them.  Good luck.

I don't really have much to say.  It's like an episode of Comic Book Men, which could be a problem.  DVD and movie places are all but extinct.  At least in this country.  NetFlix has taken control.

I enjoyed it, but, again, it was very much like Comic Book men.  or some other skit from SNL or other show.  I agree, I could see this as a web series.

Nothing really happened in it.  I think I'd have a recurring event for the day.  Perhaps the guy that Grumpy chased out comes back with the cops to file charges.  Something to tie the day together...

Good luck
Dan