When Our Blood Was Young by Gerry Byron - Short, Drama - A weary artist struggles to complete his painting before sunset. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

The part where the sunlight comes through the window is absolutely incredible.

Chop off the part with the idiots at the beginning, and streamline the end would be my advice. The idiots cheapen it, and you don't need all the exposition about the past.

Cut the crap out, and you've got an absolute diamond. Well done.

Rick

Beautiful story. I could tell from the logline that I might enjoy this and the story didn't let me down. Indeed, it was even better than I thought it was going to be.

Congrats. It would make a great little film.

I'm torn with this one.  

I didn't get the beginning with Roger and Helena who seem to just turn up in Arthur's flat from where?  They don't know him so I'm baffled.  There talk of selling his abstract is then a bit weird.

However, when Abbie turns up it's a different case.  The descriptions are great and the whole outcome is lovely.  Collingwood has to be there for the story, I get that, but again I find it a bit odd he just turns up.

I agree with Rick, you could lose Roger and Helena and I think it would strengthen the impact of the story.

Overall, a good effort.  Visually it's great.

Yes, I agree that you could kill those two characters. Collingwood himself could bring up the red thing. Maybe he is averse to the painting at first precisely because of the lack of red. Then the daughter shows up, perhaps it is her beauty that holds Collingwood there longer, and then the story comes out about the previous marriage, etc, etc.

As the others have said... I'd start with Collingwood, I think it'd make for a smoother script.

Love the title, something Bradbury-esque about it, and elements of that in the script too.

The ambiguity is lovely, will leave the reader/viewer to think for themselves.

Good job.

It does also need clarifying how Collingwood came to be there. How did he know to turn up? Perhaps the landlady/lord of the building tipped him off. Anyway, I could go on all day. It's your job to tie up the loose ends however you see fit.

It's a great story though... because it's so different.

This is the third story I've read like this. First the creaking strap, then the toilet and now this. All three so different from the norm. A pleasure to read.

Hi Gerry -

You don't have an email attached to the script.  PM me - I think this one would make a very nice addition to the STS showcase!  (Which would get this script additional exposure.)  (If you're not familiar with STS, you can see the reviews on the Simplyscript's home page, or at https://simplyscriptsreviews.wordpress.com/)

Cheers,

Janet (Wonka)

Gerry,

Beautiful.

I love the title.

Great story, maybe a bit over described for some people and some of the things you say we can’t see, but I happen to not mind if it’s done selectively; I think it helps to set the scene and visualise the characters.

I couldn’t understand how strangers could just wander into this place and start hassling the guy. The first two particular were really irritating, not sure they are even needed.

After they have gone, the piece really gets going and it is an emotional ride.

Left a lump in my throat. My hat is tipped off to you sir!

-Mark

Well, that was pleasant read. Single location, few characters. Some nice themes. I didn't really see an issue with the two "idiots." Outside of the "ticking clock," they were the only ones to offer any disagreement. Good work!

BLB.

Barry

Good job with this, a clever, thematically driven story. Great visuals too.

I enjoyed the pretentious prattle of Helena and Roger at the beginning, embodying the classic hangers-on as they badger Arthur into putting commerce and appeal above artistic integrity.

It had an "8 1/2" effect where they just seemed to appear from nowhere to harry the beleaguered artist, distracting him with their noise and bullsh?t as he tries to get the all important work done.

Got some laughs out of their fawning and cluelessness too which nicely offset the elegiac tone that dominated the second half of the script.

It would easily produced as well if you have a guy who can throw a few CGI shots together.

Col.