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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  Right Back
Posted by: Don, June 18th, 2015, 7:49am
Right Back by R. E. McManus - Short, Drama - Tough times for Terry. Then he meets a stranger who seems kindly. Will the tough times stop? 8 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Brody, June 18th, 2015, 1:10pm; Reply: 1

A well-written, quick & easy read.  
Posted by: rendevous, June 19th, 2015, 6:38am; Reply: 2

Quoted from Brody

A well-written, quick & easy read.  


Thanks, Brody. Obviously I have to agree thoroughly with everything you said there. Spot on. How's life these days after all that terrible shark business, chief?

I'd like to see what others thought, reads returned, naturally. PM me if you've specific scripts in mind.

I'll suspend the naughty step and spoon, for most at least.

R
Posted by: GreenGecko, June 19th, 2015, 1:20pm; Reply: 3
Good stuff. Atmospheric. Will's dialogue is maybe a little too fancy.

Will mentions that Terry will be alive ten days unless he decides to kill himself. Would that imply that Will knows that Terry is capable of some motor function for at least a couple more minutes? And yet, they just leave him alone to possibly find a way to incriminate them? I guess he wouldn't even be able to blink by the time he gets hospitalized? Totally nitpicking, but I don't know.

The rest is just my personal take on the story. I don't like the direction it took. We all can feel a con being set up by Will, and then it happens. And at that point, it becomes silly. I think the line that kills it is "A unique little poison I cooked up myself." Like why is this guy who is concocting poisons that even doctors can't find even in the same crowd as this degenerate? What situation would bring Will's wife to fuck Terry? I guess maybe I personally wanted some heartfelt talky drama, but it ended in cartoon violence and crime.

I don't mean that harshly, I did like it. :)
Posted by: TonyDionisio, June 19th, 2015, 2:45pm; Reply: 4
Rend,

Not bad once it kicked in. A little bit much on the tell in the end. More of the video or photo shots of him doing the dirty deed could have helped, but good stuff.

Enjoyed.

Tony
Posted by: Brody, June 19th, 2015, 5:58pm; Reply: 5

Quoted from rendevous


I'll suspend the naughty step and spoon, for most at least.

R


Like I give a rip.    8)
Posted by: Dustin, June 20th, 2015, 3:33am; Reply: 6
I loved the opening to this. Very interesting characters and realistic to me despite the comedic tone.

Loved this line:

Code

A fruit machine silently flashes false promises.



Really helped to suck me in to the story. I enjoyed the interaction between Terry and Will. I at first imagined that Will wasn't known to Terry, that they'd just met... so it came as a bit of a surprise when it turned out they knew each other quite well. It did spoil things for me a little, but that's probably my fault for reading into things.

I don't mind the poison, in my latest story I've used a curse, I think anything can fly in story land, quite literally if you want it to, so I'm always prepared to forgive things that may not make sense in this world. Maybe he Googled it. But you could mention something about Google being an amazing thing and only hint at the poison without being specific if you wanted to.

The end did jar with me a little but only because I so enjoyed the build up and it seemed like a sudden shift in tone that I needed to adjust to to continue my enjoyment.

As usual, I've just read this, and sometimes stories take their time to work their way in, so I'll think on this some more. See if I can think of anything constructive to say.

Nice work mate. The writing is impeccable and the characterisations spot on. I love the comedic tone that you write with. It's sometimes difficult to know when you're being serious, if indeed, you ever are.
Posted by: rendevous, June 20th, 2015, 8:49am; Reply: 7
Thanks for the reads so far. I'll respond to each in turn. As Neo once said, on top of a lift if memory serves, 'there is no spoon'.


Quoted from GreenGecko
Good stuff. Atmospheric. Will's dialogue is maybe a little too fancy.


GreenGecko with orange avatar,

Thanks. And maybe. Naturally I would have preferred that sentence a lot more if you'd omitted the words 'maybe a little too', but I take your point.


Quoted from GreenGecko
Will mentions that Terry will be alive ten days unless he decides to kill himself. Would that imply that Will knows that Terry is capable of some motor function for at least a couple more minutes?


Indeed. Spoilers ahead. But if you've read this far then chances are you've already read the script, or aren't gonna bother. You're missing out if that's so. Honest. No, really. It's great. Knocks William Goldman down there with E.L. James.

Terry can't speak, and his fingers and toes are curled up. Plus, he's having terrible trouble getting it up. Not that he is at the moment. He'll have motor function for quite a few hours at least, I'm no doctor though.


Quoted from GreenGecko
And yet, they just leave him alone to possibly find a way to incriminate them? I guess he wouldn't even be able to blink by the time he gets hospitalized? Totally nitpicking, but I don't know.


Hmm, I'd have to go along with nitpicking there. It's a story. It certainly ain't The Godfather, or Game of Thrones. But even those can be nitpicked. Watch James Caan as Sonny Corleone beat up his brother in law on the street near those bins. He fakes a punch that's at least two feet short.

Anyway, to them, Barman & Will I mean, Terry is fucked and their work is done. They fucked the fucker. And they don't hold him in the highest estimation, that much is clear. The last thing they expect is the reveal at the end. It quite surprised me, and I wrote it.


Quoted from GreenGecko
The rest is just my personal take on the story. I don't like the direction it took.


Oh dear. I see similar things in other comments. Usually at this point I'd be pointing towards the naughty corner with a spoon so you could reconsider, but I promised I wouldn't. Do carry on, as I'd genuinely like to know when it turned for you...


Quoted from GreenGecko
We all can feel a con being set up by Will, and then it happens. And at that point, it becomes silly. I think the line that kills it is "A unique little poison I cooked up myself." Like why is this guy who is concocting poisons that even doctors can't find even in the same crowd as this degenerate?


There's loads of poisons. Loads. Anything can become a poison if you take too much of it. Doctors, or rather pathologists, only look for certain things. The usual stuff. They ain't expecting the unusual or rare, why would they be? That's what I think. And I'm sticking to it.

Will's story is he's interested in stuff along those lines. His wife is shagging another man, who is also shagging his mate's wife. He's got time on his hands, things to do and the brains to do it. People have done stranger things.


Quoted from GreenGecko
What situation would bring Will's wife to fuck Terry? I guess maybe I personally wanted some heartfelt talky drama, but it ended in cartoon violence and crime.


Oh dear. I heard a sentiment from a female I know that went along the same lines. I think all sorts of people are doing all sorts of stuff behind backs. I disagree with the cartoon voilence. There wasn't any violence. You're thinking of Wile E. Coyote. Beep, beep. And who can blame you? I thought it was quite a dark tale with comic tones. The way I like them.


Quoted from GreenGecko
I don't mean that harshly, I did like it. :)


I'm glad you said that. It did sound a bit harsh. Glad you liked it though. Stuff like that means something. Thanks for the read, GG.

R
Posted by: rendevous, June 21st, 2015, 12:00am; Reply: 8

Quoted from TonyDionisio
Rend,

Not bad once it kicked in. A little bit much on the tell in the end. More of the video or photo shots of him doing the dirty deed could have helped, but good stuff.

Enjoyed.

Tony


Thanks Tony. I'm not sure I agree on some of your points, but to argue further seems churlish, as you enjoyed it. And that's the main thing.

Many thanks.

R
Posted by: rendevous, June 22nd, 2015, 12:07am; Reply: 9
Onto...


Quoted from Dustin
I loved the opening to this. Very interesting characters and realistic to me despite the comedic tone.


Despite it? I thought it was one of the highlights.


Quoted from Dustin
Loved this line:

Code

A fruit machine silently flashes false promises.



Really helped to suck me in to the story.


Thanks. I'm rather fond of that one myself. One of my better efforts. Pity there's not more like it.


Quoted from Dustin
I enjoyed the interaction between Terry and Will. I at first imagined that Will wasn't known to Terry, that they'd just met... so it came as a bit of a surprise when it turned out they knew each other quite well.  


I know I'm often an argumentative little fuck, but I don't think they know each other quite well. Terry knows Will's wife well, in the biblical sense. And Will knows what Terry's up to. But that's about it for these two.


Quoted from Dustin
It did spoil things for me a little, but that's probably my fault for reading into things.


Hopefully my previous explanation may help with this.


Quoted from Dustin
I don't mind the poison, in my latest story I've used a curse, I think anything can fly in story land, quite literally if you want it to, so I'm always prepared to forgive things that may not make sense in this world.  


Poison seemed appropriate for Will. The type of thing that type of guy would do. Hardly the most original story choice, I know. But I thought it worked. Watched a few documentaries of late about settlers in the US and Australia. The amount of poisoners was astonishing after a poison related story appeared in a national newspaper.

Erm, not sure what point I set out to make there. So I'm move on quickly, before anyone notices.


Quoted from Dustin
Maybe he Googled it. But you could mention something about Google being an amazing thing and only hint at the poison without being specific if you wanted to.


I would. But it'd hurt. I fecking hate Google. Tax dodging advertising 'don't be evil' corporate hypocrite barstards. Brilliant software though, and all the rest of it. Just like Apple. But I'd rather slam my fingers in the door with my trousers round my ankles than plug them. Ooh, time to get off my box and get with it.

I take your point. You're probably onto someting there. In an early draft there was a bit more of that, but it felt a bit too coy. Like the BBC when they're onto something.


Quoted from Dustin
The end did jar with me a little but only because I so enjoyed the build up and it seemed like a sudden shift in tone that I needed to adjust to to continue my enjoyment.


I'm kinda with you there. I think it's nearly right, the story that is, but not quite. Probably a little too talky now and again, like its author.


Quoted from Dustin
As usual, I've just read this, and sometimes stories take their time to work their way in, so I'll think on this some more. See if I can think of anything constructive to say.


Good man. I'll look forward to it. Seriously.


Quoted from Dustin
As usual, I've just read this, and sometimes stories take their Nice work mate. The writing is impeccable and the characterisations spot on. I love the comedic tone that you write with. It's sometimes difficult to know when you're being serious, if indeed, you ever are.


I am sometimes serious, though I have to admit, it ain't often.

I'm deadly serious when I'm giving about spoons and pointing people over to the naughty step so they can stare at their reflections in them and think about what they've done.

Oh dear. Didn't last long, did it?

Many thanks, some kind words there. They mean a lot. Serious.

R
Posted by: stevemiles, June 22nd, 2015, 4:09pm; Reply: 10
Ren,

‘...probably once a copper. Got that look.’   :)

‘Quiet the night’ -- slightly odd phrasing, to my ears at least.

Darkly comic bit of revenge.  Subtly handled character interactions and some well placed nuances give it a natural feel.  As to the pub, it's like you know that place well...  

Terry still trying to finish his pint despite the poison gave me a laugh -- a man with principles...  

Though him secretly recording the 'confession' felt a bit too familiar for my liking.  Not even sure how he managed it with the poison starting to take effect -- though that’s niggle territory right there...  

A hint as to how Will would have the know-how to create such a poison wouldn’t hurt -- something in his background or profession..?  

Enjoyable read nonetheless.
Posted by: rendevous, June 24th, 2015, 1:24am; Reply: 11

Quoted from stevemiles
Ren,


Steve,

Good to hear from you. When I see your name I always think of that song by The Who. No, not My Generation. Silly. I Can See For Miles. Then I think of Townshend sliding towards camera on his knees whilst windmilling on stage. Like a kid at a wedding reception.


Quoted from stevemiles
‘...probably once a copper. Got that look.’   :)

‘Quiet the night’ -- slightly odd phrasing, to my ears at least.


The latter is a phrase I've often heard in Irish pubs. And a few English ones. I just thought it'd be more interesting than the usual 'Quiet tonight.'

The former phrase sounds fine to my dainty ears. Heard it said all over the place, particularly in pubs where scallies are ever vigilant of law on their turf.


Quoted from stevemiles
Darkly comic bit of revenge.  Subtly handled character interactions and some well placed nuances give it a natural feel.  As to the pub, it's like you know that place well...  


Thank you Steve. As observant and kind as I could ever hope for.


Quoted from stevemiles
Terry still trying to finish his pint despite the poison gave me a laugh -- a man with principles...  


Indeed. You're a man after my own heart. Like me you obviously have, or have had, friends who would strip you naked and tie you to a lamp post if you dared leave a pint unfinished before you left the pub.


Quoted from stevemiles
Though him secretly recording the 'confession' felt a bit too familiar for my liking.  Not even sure how he managed it with the poison starting to take effect -- though that’s niggle territory right there...  


I know what you mean. But obviously I disagree. He managed it as he was always doing it to all sorts of people. He's that type.

I haven't thought of a better idea for the ending. And as of yet I've not had one suggested either. So I'm sticking with it for the foreseeable.


Quoted from stevemiles
A hint as to how Will would have the know-how to create such a poison wouldn’t hurt -- something in his background or profession..?  


Maybe. I'll think on that.


Quoted from stevemiles
Enjoyable read nonetheless.


And an enjoyable review on the whole. Many thanks again, Steve.

R
Posted by: LC, June 25th, 2015, 7:43am; Reply: 12
Hey Ren,

You know I can't think of a writer who uses words quite like you do. You have a very unique voice, managing to capture the language of certain classes and cultures and the atmosphere of the environment they live in perfectly.  

Like Dustin, I love this line:

A fruit machine silently flashes false promises.

Re your specific use of: 'Fag burns scar the wooden floor' - interesting choice - I might have said, don't do it but actually, using the colloquialism/slang for the word - which might normally be used by a character in dialogue works extremely well. It enhances the atmosphere and characters you're depicting.

TERRY. Thirties, tall and mono-
browed. Overweight in casual dress.

This is my only real gripe. TERRY is popular with the women, so popular he's the target for your other two characters to exact their revenge because he got lucky with both of their wives.

How did that happen exactly? He's obviously broke, not attractive at all, no charisma, no gift of the gab. You can argue that all sorts of women go for all sorts of men - attraction is not easily defined. I would however personally have him 'ugly pretty' or 'creepy pretty', if you know what I mean - I've met guys like this - pretty on the outside but as soon as they open their mouths they're a bit smarmy, something's off- kilter and disingenuous - this line sums him up perfectly

TERRY
An offer I can’t refuse, kind sir.
You’re on, my son.

He's a sycophant even with the other males - trying for charming and longing to be one of the boys, but he fails.

Perhaps you could also include a very short scene in Terry's walk-through to the bar, where he stops and whispers into a girl's ear - she titters and flicks her hair back in response - then angry boyfriend approaches and gives him a warning look. Terry scowls, once his back is turned - naturally.

Great dialogue while they're playing pool - Terry's not smart enough to even realize he's being 'played' and yet he's still obnoxious enough to utter this:

Fuckin’ fifty euro and a pint.
Feels like you stole them from me.

Will flatters Terry subtly and enough times but still Terry never cops on. Classic. Great characterization.

I think you could edit a bit of this end dialogue and tweak it with some more of your inimitable dialogue. I just feel you got a bit lazy and dare I say conservative with a few of these lines and they come off as being a bit more long-winded than I reckon they should be, from these characters.  


WILL
Oh come on, Terry. Accept it, you
did it. I can show you footage on
my phone. I’ve seen you doing it.
He’s got some too. We couldn’t
quite believe it, you see.

Something like: 'We've got the goods on you, mate'- - or: 'Barman and I took a few home movies of our own' (should you give Barman a name, perhaps?) and then he flashes his camera-phone at him, something like that, obviously better than that, but you get the drift. A little more of your customary 'slick' as you've done previously, is needed.

BARMAN
(shouting)
You gave her the clap! And me! You
little fucker.
WILL

Bit of doubling up - I'd streamline the end dialogue passages - above and below - re the filming. The 'wash in our bathrooms' is terrific, cause it's a horrible image - but I feel like he'd say something less eloquent - perhaps just, 'clean up'.

BARMAN
Still can’t. Bastard!
WILL
So we installed some cameras in our
bedrooms. Of course, you could have
taken them somewhere else, a hotel,
a car, or your own house.
a drink.
WILL
No, you had to fuck them in our
houses, then wash in our bathrooms.
Don’t you see, Terry? You were
fucking us really. So we’ve fucked
you right back.

Love the 'seal' description btw. Great visual. And it's terrific he's still going to finish that beer by hook or by crook.

Finally: perhaps a gorgeous woman could sail past at the end, see the problem Terry is having, ask if he's alright - perhaps she calls another girlfriend over so they can have a bit of a laugh at his appearance , or she could call a friend on her phone and be filming him - oh yes, the ugly side of humanity, but it might be just desserts. Otherwise it appears Terry's going to get payback and I'm not sure I want him to have the last 'garbled' word.

I'm not entirely convinced the title does the story justice btw, but...

Great, one of a kind stuff, as usual.  
You definitely deserve more reads for this.
Posted by: Simon, June 25th, 2015, 9:22am; Reply: 13
Can't we all just get along?
Posted by: IamGlenn, June 25th, 2015, 9:29am; Reply: 14
Hey Ren,

Took a read of this and loved it.

Really, really well written. The kind of stuff I can only hope to write some day. The language and the way you use words is perfect.

The story is very nice. Simple but brilliantly told. Was wondering where it was going but then the payoff at the end was very nicely done.

Not much else to say.

Good luck with this :)
Posted by: rendevous, June 26th, 2015, 6:23am; Reply: 15

Quoted from LC
Hey Ren,


Hey Elsie,


Quoted from LC
You know I can't think of a writer who uses words quite like you do.


I do hope that's a compliment.


Quoted from LC
You have a very unique voice, managing to capture the language of certain classes and cultures and the atmosphere of the environment they live in perfectly.  ,


Thanks very much. I would thoroughly agree, but modesty prevents me. That, and the fact it is hard to take myself seriously when I'm not wearing any trousers.


Quoted from LC
Like Dustin, I love this line:

A fruit machine silently flashes false promises. ,


Oh yes. Twas was a good one,


Quoted from LC
Re your specific use of: 'Fag burns scar the wooden floor' - interesting choice - I might have said, don't do it but actually, using the colloquialism/slang for the word - which might normally be used by a character in dialogue works extremely well. It enhances the atmosphere and characters you're depicting.,


Cigarette burn sounded wrong in my head. Something to do with it sounds as if it applies to people. As it's a pub 'fag' fits better. Even though the Americans will think the scars are gay.


Quoted from LC
TERRY. Thirties, tall and mono-
browed. Overweight in casual dress.

This is my only real gripe. TERRY is popular with the women, so popular he's the target for your other two characters to exact their revenge because he got lucky with both of their wives.,


I see. But I can't agree. You're implying only beautiful blokes can manage to get it on with a lady. I can vouch for the less beautiful in saying this isn't true. You can get a woman into bed with humour far faster than any other method.

We also don't know what these women look like or what their morals are. Works for me.


Quoted from LC
How did that happen exactly? He's obviously broke, not attractive at all, no charisma, no gift of the gab. You can argue that all sorts of women go for all sorts of men - attraction is not easily defined.


Indeed. I just did above.


Quoted from LC
I would however personally have him 'ugly pretty' or 'creepy pretty', if you know what I mean - I've met guys like this - pretty on the outside but as soon as they open their mouths they're a bit smarmy, something's off- kilter and disingenuous - this line sums him up perfectly,


I see what you're saying. Perhaps it would be overegging it. I like it the way it is.


Quoted from LC
TERRY
An offer I can’t refuse, kind sir.
You’re on, my son.

He's a sycophant even with the other males - trying for charming and longing to be one of the boys, but he fails.,


Indeed. He has his pub patter down pat.


Quoted from LC
Perhaps you could also include a very short scene in Terry's walk-through to the bar, where he stops and whispers into a girl's ear - she titters and flicks her hair back in response - then angry boyfriend approaches and gives him a warning look. Terry scowls, once his back is turned - naturally.,


Naturally. Not a bad idea. However, I'm sticking to my guns and my script. I'm a stubborn fella.


Quoted from LC
Great dialogue while they're playing pool - Terry's not smart enough to even realize he's being 'played' and yet he's still obnoxious enough to utter this:

Fuckin’ fifty euro and a pint.
Feels like you stole them from me.

Will flatters Terry subtly and enough times but still Terry never cops on. Classic. Great characterization.,


Thank you muchly. I like that scene too.


Quoted from LC
I think you could edit a bit of this end dialogue and tweak it with some more of your inimitable dialogue. I just feel you got a bit lazy and dare I say conservative with a few of these lines and they come off as being a bit more long-winded than I reckon they should be, from these characters.  


WILL
Oh come on, Terry. Accept it, you
did it. I can show you footage on
my phone. I’ve seen you doing it.
He’s got some too. We couldn’t
quite believe it, you see.

Something like: 'We've got the goods on you, mate'- - or: 'Barman and I took a few home movies of our own' (should you give Barman a name, perhaps?) and then he flashes his camera-phone at him, something like that, obviously better than that, but you get the drift. A little more of your customary 'slick' as you've done previously, is needed. ,


Not a bad idea there. I'll keep it in mind.


Quoted from LC
BARMAN
(shouting)
You gave her the clap! And me! You
little fucker.
WILL

Bit of doubling up - I'd streamline the end dialogue passages - above and below - re the filming. The 'wash in our bathrooms' is terrific, cause it's a horrible image - but I feel like he'd say something less eloquent - perhaps just, 'clean up'.

BARMAN
Still can’t. Bastard!
WILL
So we installed some cameras in our
bedrooms. Of course, you could have
taken them somewhere else, a hotel,
a car, or your own house.
a drink.
WILL
No, you had to fuck them in our
houses, then wash in our bathrooms.
Don’t you see, Terry? You were
fucking us really. So we’ve fucked
you right back.

Love the 'seal' description btw. Great visual. And it's terrific he's still going to finish that beer by hook or by crook. ,


I'm rather in love with the barman line about getting the clap, as it's both amusing and horrifying. So it won't be going anywhere anytime soon. Same with the bit about washing. I think it's important to his final line.

You can see the beer business happening in every pub every night. I think there must be a law or something.


Quoted from LC
Finally: perhaps a gorgeous woman could sail past at the end, see the problem Terry is having, ask if he's alright - perhaps she calls another girlfriend over so they can have a bit of a laugh at his appearance , or she could call a friend on her phone and be filming him - oh yes, the ugly side of humanity, but it might be just desserts. Otherwise it appears Terry's going to get payback and I'm not sure I want him to have the last 'garbled' word.,


You're determined to get a woman in this script, aren't you, Elsie? I was trying to keep the cast number low. Even the barman stayed mute in the early drafts. Yours is not a bad idea by any means.


Quoted from LC
I'm not entirely convinced the title does the story justice btw, but...

Great, one of a kind stuff, as usual.  
You definitely deserve more reads for this.


I'm convinced. I've not seen it before and I haven't had a better idea. What would work better? For a few days there it was called 'Fucker'. So 'Right Back' seemed like a vast improvement.

I do deserve more reads for this. And a prize and a badge. Going shopping tomorrow, so I'll sort myself out. Many thanks, Elsie. Much appreciated.

R
Posted by: eldave1, June 26th, 2015, 4:59pm; Reply: 16
Holy sheet dude, you can write. I love your style. I think you could make tax instructions jump off the page.

In terms of the story itself, I agree with Libby in terms of the conflict between Terry the great womanizer/lover versus Terry the uni-brow, broke caveman who struggles to form complete sentences.

Other than that - I'm there. Again - the style is terrific.


Posted by: Dustin, June 26th, 2015, 5:12pm; Reply: 17
Women go for looks, humour and big dicks... one or more and you should never struggle for female company.
Posted by: eldave1, June 26th, 2015, 5:20pm; Reply: 18

Quoted from rendevous

I'm convinced. I've not seen it before and I haven't had a better idea. What would work better? For a few days there it was called 'Fucker'. So 'Right Back' seemed like a vast improvement.
R


I actually like F--CKER better than Right Back.

Ale Conceived

Beware the Kindness of Strangers

Publishment

An Ale Wind Blows
Posted by: eldave1, June 26th, 2015, 5:22pm; Reply: 19

Quoted from Dustin
Women go for looks, humour and big dicks... one or more and you should never struggle for female company.


Whew - thank God I have a sense of humour
Posted by: rendevous, June 28th, 2015, 4:05am; Reply: 20
Thanks for the recent comments. I'll come back to them soon.


Quoted from Simon
Can't we all just get along?


No idea, Simon. Can't we? What are you on about? I think you should discuss things along those lines down the pub with some Greenpeace and Amnesty types. They're very nice people.


Quoted from IamGlenn
Hey Ren,

Took a read of this and loved it.


I'm extremly pleased to hear it. I always suspected you were a man of exceptional taste. As usual, I was completely spot on.


Quoted from IamGlenn
Really, really well written. The kind of stuff I can only hope to write some day. The language and the way you use words is perfect.


Many thanks. Means a lot, that.

You can write like me. You've got to keep at it for twenty years, then write one, read it, reread it, reword it a bit, forget about it for about a week.

Then reread it, reword it, reread it again, decide it's rubbish and bin it. Then think about it for about an hour while you try to move on.

You fail. You're rooting in the bin to pull it out. (Australians should note I use the word advisedly.) Despite the fag ash and baked bean stains, you decide it isn't so bad after all and do a bit more on it.

In other words, it takes work, and lots of it. I bin about half the stuff I do. I think you have to, otherwise you just do mediocre stuff. The fact I might bin it makes me think more about it.

Read a lot too. Anything. Everything. Everyone has a voice. You'll remember the more interesting ones.


Quoted from IamGlenn
The story is very nice. Simple but brilliantly told. Was wondering where it was going but then the payoff at the end was very nicely done.

Not much else to say.

Good luck with this :)


I'm extremely pleased and somewhat honoured. Most appreciated.

R
Posted by: rendevous, June 28th, 2015, 11:24am; Reply: 21

Quoted from eldave1
Holy sheet dude, you can write. I love your style. I think you could make tax instructions jump off the page.

In terms of the story itself, I agree with Libby in terms of the conflict between Terry the great womanizer/lover versus Terry the uni-brow, broke caveman who struggles to form complete sentences.

Other than that - I'm there. Again - the style is terrific.




Well, it doesn't get much better Eldave One.

Many thanks. For a second I suspected you were taking the piss, something about biscuit desire sprung to mind, but soon after I suspected not and realised you too have impeccable taste. Well done.

I enjoyed that. Other scripts are availble. But mine are better. Well, most of them. Hang on, my head tells me some other scripts are miles better.

But no, my heart yells Bollocks! Mine are amazing. My balls chime in with Yes! Fuck them! Barstards, to a man. And the women. Fuckers! Yes, fecking knob arses!

Sorry. I'll stop there. Lest I get carried away.

Many thanks. I'll have words with my balls and heart, they do like to get carried away.

R
Posted by: eldave1, June 28th, 2015, 12:09pm; Reply: 22

Quoted from rendevous


Well, it doesn't get much better Eldave One.

Many thanks. For a second I suspected you were taking the piss, something about biscuit desire sprung to mind, but soon after I suspected not and realised you too have impeccable taste. Well done.

I enjoyed that. Other scripts are availble. But mine are better. Well, most of them. Hang on, my head tells me some other scripts are miles better.

But no, my heart yells Bollocks! Mine are amazing. My balls chime in with Yes! Fuck them! Barstards, to a man. And the women. Fuckers! Yes, fecking knob arses!

Sorry. I'll stop there. Lest I get carried away.

Many thanks. I'll have words with my balls and heart, they do like to get carried away.

R


Balls and Heart - there is a screenplay with that title waiting to be written. Well, at the least a Country song.
Posted by: rendevous, June 29th, 2015, 7:06am; Reply: 23

Quoted from Dustin
Women go for looks, humour and big dicks... one or more and you should never struggle for female company.


Big dicks? I'm often a big dick, and I'm hopeless at getting women. Oh, hang on...

All my women like my money. I've got nearly twenty eight quid, so it's gonna be a good night.


Quoted from eldave1


I actually like F--CKER better than Right Back.


I'm laughing at that. I know what you mean. I kinda do too. Wasn't there a band called Bastard a while back? Makes you wanna hear them.

Sadly I couldn't go with Fucker, as it probably wouldn't help getting it made. But I was sorely tempted there for a while.


Quoted from eldave1

Ale Conceived

Beware the Kindness of Strangers

Publishment

An Ale Wind Blows


Erm, yes indeed. I see what you did there. Very good.


Quoted from eldave1
Whew - thank God I have a sense of humour


Made me laugh.

I'm with you there fella. I'm not sure if my twenty eight quid is gonna completely seal the deal.


Quoted from eldave1
Balls and Heart - there is a screenplay with that title waiting to be written. Well, at the least a Country song.


I could see Willie Nelson singing that one. Oh my balls are singing, my heart is ringing, my arse keeps dinging, every time I see you.
Posted by: Dustin, June 29th, 2015, 8:27am; Reply: 24

Quoted from rendevous


Big dicks? I'm often a big dick, and I'm hopeless at getting women. Oh, hang on...


That's hilarious.

I forgot about the money angle. Money pulls women too.



Quoted Text
Oh my balls are singing, my heart is ringing, my arse keeps dinging, every time I see you.


Perhaps the balls should be swinging.
Posted by: rendevous, June 30th, 2015, 5:13pm; Reply: 25

Quoted from Dustin


That's hilarious.

I forgot about the money angle. Money pulls women too.



I thank you. This explains why all my women seem to run away. Actually, there's no need for the word 'seem' there. They just run. Especially once they learn I've only got twelve quid left.


Quoted from Dustin
Perhaps the balls should be swinging.


Yes, there's no perhaps about it. They really should be swinging.

R
Posted by: Mr.Z, July 2nd, 2015, 11:45am; Reply: 26
Hi rendevous,

Well written, I like your style, sets the mood right away. It's a revenge story that hits all the necessary beats, so kudos on that.

The only comment I got is that it felt a bit straightforward. Will was so kind with Terry that I suspected instantly he was up to no good. I wonder if you could use some missdirection when setting up the conflict. Since Will is the one about to do something nasty, maybe you could trick us into believing that Terry is the one up to no good? So when the poisoning is revealed, it lands as a twist.

A nitpick: the murder weapon seemed a tad sophisticated for this shady bar setting. Maybe you can go with some kind simpler/better-known poison instead of something Will cooked himself to be undetectable and suit all his revenge needs? Or maybe you could setup Will as the scientist type, someone who doesn't seem to belong to this place and with the skills to cook the poison the story needs? Just spitballing.

Anyhow, good job. Again, liked your style.  8)
Posted by: Colkurtz8, July 3rd, 2015, 10:11am; Reply: 27
Ren

“A fruit machine silently flashes false promises.”

- Good prose.

“He nurses a pint of lager - now half full, but the way he’s
glaring shows he’s sure it’s half empty.”

- More good prose. Overall, a great opening scene setter. Succinct yet vivid. The perfect combo for screenwriting.

“Lights his cigarette. Spots some coins on the pool table.
Pockets them then heads out.”

- He lit it before he went outside! Tut Tut.

“Surprising pleasant.”

- Should be "ly" at the end of "surprising"

“Terry checks a chair for dampness - not impressed.”

- How does one do this? Lick a finger and point it skyward? I sure hope so ;)

“He wears a trilby and a long coat.”

- "Trilby and a long coat" you say? Also, given that Will seemingly appeared out of thin air, I really hope he's not the devil or some mysterious omnipotent stranger we see all too much of.

“He speaks with a refined accent - educated, but friendly.”

- Oh no, the classic, well spoken Prince of Darkness in dapper human form. I'm getting worried, Ren.

TERRY
An offer I can’t refuse, kind sir.
You’re on, my son.

- I get Terry isn't the type to ask questions when free beer is at stake but this improbable offer should send the most deadened of alarm bells a jinglin'.

WILL
Salubrious. Set them up and I’ll
get ‘em in.

- So is Will buying him a pint now too on top of the pool game offer? Just curious.

TERRY
Good point.

- So did Terry really have no way of making it "more interesting"? If so, why bring it up? Was it just a lame attempt to talk tough and Will called his bluff?

TERRY
How can I refuse?

He cues. Sinks his final red with style.

- Where's the obligatory post wager handshake? You're screwing with tradition now, R. I don't like it!

TERRY
Fuckin’ fifty euro and a pint.
Feels like you stole them from me.

- Well, it was more a pint/2 pints...then fifty euro ;)

“Terry appears honoured.”

- Is this the right term to use here? Would "humbled" be more appropriate?

WILL
Why? Because you fucked my wife,
and you fucked his wife. Fucker.
Probably a few others as well.
That’s why.

- Oh, so the repeated utterances of "fucker" were more literal than I anticipated.

WILL
So we installed some cameras in our
bedrooms. Of course, you could have
taken them somewhere else, a hotel,
a car, or your own house.

- Wouldn't there have been a strong possibility of Terry recognizing Will if he was in his house screwing his wife? Seems a risky approach for he and Barman to take in executing this revenge plan.

“Will nods. Terry picks up his glass. Raises it to his mouth.
But it slips from his grip before it gets there.”

- What a trooper! Or just a pisshead. Even when he's been poisoned and on death's door he still takes their word that it’s a clean drink just to get it down him.

“He opens them to reveal his phone on the chair still
recording audio. He uses a knuckle to stop it.”

- Eh? How did he have the foreknowledge to record the conversation? Why would he have been suspicious of Will? Obviously he couldn't do after the poison has taken hold so he must have done it when Will when to get the drinks. Also, the word "still" suggests this was set up or referred to earlier but I didn't see any mention of Terry's phone before now.

I really dug the first half of this. I loved how Will played Terry both on and off the pool table. That realization from the latter on page 4 that he felt as if he had given away the pint and 50 quid was amusing and understandable because of how the game went down, so close yet so far away. I liked that touch.

Given my initial suspicions that Will was some all knowing other worldly figure was reinforced by how he seemed so in control of the game and its outcome. His feathers were never ruffled even when staring defeat in the face, always calm, assured he would win.

The story shifts in the second half where we get backstory shoehorned in for motive. Unfortunately, it felt crowded and purely expository, all delivered via dialogue. Then there’s this super poison concocted made by Will himself (so this guy wasn’t the devil, just a brilliant, vindictive chemist ;)) and the whole thing turns into a rather uninspired, by-the-numbers revenge tale...in a beer garden...with homemade poison...

It’s like Patricia Highsmith by way of Shane Meadows which sounds kinda great but here within an 8 page script I just didn't buy it. It all seemed overly elaborate and implausible. Why the whole pool and bet charade? Why not just get talking to Terry, go on rounds and spike his drink then? I dunno, is it working on some allegorical level there, pool and screwing people's wives? Also, the final twist of Terry having recorded the whole thing felt bolted on to give us an “ah ha” moment which didn’t make much sense to me for the reason I mentioned in the note above.

As a big fan of pool, I would've been happy to watch the two men banter over another game. Not much of a story there I know but the script was at its best in those moments.

A mixed bag for me, a script of two halves...ok, enough of the glib platitudes.

Col.
Posted by: rendevous, July 13th, 2015, 9:01am; Reply: 28
My apologies to the most recent reviewers. I meant to respond at the time but didn't get around to it. Then I forgot. I'm hopeless. I even put my trousers on backwards yesterday. The sad thing is I didn't even notice until noon. By then I'd been down the shops and spent an hour in the bookies. I thought they were smirking at my dry wit.

I'll be on to respond in the next few days. In the meantime my thanks.

R
Posted by: rendevous, July 21st, 2015, 6:11am; Reply: 29

Quoted from Mr.Z
Hi rendevous,

Well written, I like your style, sets the mood right away. It's a revenge story that hits all the necessary beats, so kudos on that.


High praise indeed from your good self. It's like Freddie Mercury telling me I've a good voice. Thank you.


Quoted from Mr.Z
The only comment I got is that it felt a bit straightforward.


Hmm. Yeah, There's some truth in that. But it's got a few little twisty bits. I see what you're saying though.


Quoted from Mr.Z
Will was so kind with Terry that I suspected instantly he was up to no good. I wonder if you could use some missdirection when setting up the conflict. Since Will is the one about to do something nasty, maybe you could trick us into believing that Terry is the one up to no good? So when the poisoning is revealed, it lands as a twist.


Maybe. I've a job on at the mo, but I'll bear this in mind. I may indeed take your advice.


Quoted from Mr.Z
A nitpick: the murder weapon seemed a tad sophisticated for this shady bar setting. Maybe you can go with some kind simpler/better-known poison instead of something Will cooked himself to be undetectable and suit all his revenge needs? Or maybe you could setup Will as the scientist type, someone who doesn't seem to belong to this place and with the skills to cook the poison the story needs? Just spitballing.


Again, good points. It was just the idea that someone buys you a pint in a pub. I always wondered what would happen if they put something in it.


Quoted from Mr.Z
Anyhow, good job. Again, liked your style.  8)


Thanks again Mr. Z. You do fine work. Keep it up.

R
Posted by: rendevous, July 22nd, 2015, 7:46am; Reply: 30

Quoted from Colkurtz8
Ren

“A fruit machine silently flashes false promises.”

- Good prose.


Indeed. Good to hear from you, Col. Sorry for the delay. Had a lot on. I always enjoy your reviews. You're one of those who read properly and give good advice. There's not enough of that about.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“He nurses a pint of lager - now half full, but the way he’s
glaring shows he’s sure it’s half empty.”

- More good prose. Overall, a great opening scene setter. Succinct yet vivid. The perfect combo for screenwriting.


Ooh. Thanks. I too do put the effort in. It's paying off too as I'm getting interest from some producer types. Which is nice.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“Lights his cigarette. Spots some coins on the pool table.
Pockets them then heads out.”

- He lit it before he went outside! Tut Tut.


Yes, I used to be fond of doing that myself.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“Surprising pleasant.”

- Should be "ly" at the end of "surprising"


Oh dear. Good catch. I'll fix that.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“Terry checks a chair for dampness - not impressed.”

- How does one do this? Lick a finger and point it skyward? I sure hope so ;)


Oh no. I had this image of him touching the chair with his hand. This is what I meant. I see now it's a bit more vague than intended. Like my lovemaking.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“He wears a trilby and a long coat.”

- "Trilby and a long coat" you say? Also, given that Will seemingly appeared out of thin air, I really hope he's not the devil or some mysterious omnipotent stranger we see all too much of.


Eh? I wear a long coat and a trilby. And I'm fairly sure I'm not the prince of darkness. To me it just looks like a middle aged bloke who's probably into music.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“He speaks with a refined accent - educated, but friendly.”

- Oh no, the classic, well spoken Prince of Darkness in dapper human form. I'm getting worried, Ren.


He isn't the Satan, honest. Just a bloke in a pub. Don't worry. Probably too late now.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
TERRY
An offer I can’t refuse, kind sir.
You’re on, my son.



Quoted from Colkurtz8
- I get Terry isn't the type to ask questions when free beer is at stake but this improbable offer should send the most deadened of alarm bells a jinglin'.


Often used to happen to me during my drinking days. Guys on their own often wanna play pool. They often buy a pint to get you to play.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
WILL
Salubrious. Set them up and I’ll
get ‘em in.

- So is Will buying him a pint now too on top of the pool game offer? Just curious.


Yeah. This fella did that for me once. At the time I looked even more wonderful than ever, as I had very long hair. It was when he told me he wanted to massage me that I made my excuses and left.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
TERRY
Good point.

- So did Terry really have no way of making it "more interesting"? If so, why bring it up? Was it just a lame attempt to talk tough and Will called his bluff?


He intends to win. I suppose he did call his bluff.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
TERRY
How can I refuse?

He cues. Sinks his final red with style.

- Where's the obligatory post wager handshake? You're screwing with tradition now, R. I don't like it!


Terry's not the type.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
TERRY
Fuckin’ fifty euro and a pint.
Feels like you stole them from me.

- Well, it was more a pint/2 pints...then fifty euro ;)


Yes.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“Terry appears honoured.”

- Is this the right term to use here? Would "humbled" be more appropriate?


Erm, I dunno. I'll have to have a look. Hang on. I'll be Right Back.

Yeah. I quite like it as it is. But you're probably more right than I.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
WILL
Why? Because you fucked my wife,
and you fucked his wife. Fucker.
Probably a few others as well.
That’s why.

- Oh, so the repeated utterances of "fucker" were more literal than I anticipated.


Indeed. I thought you might have guessed that.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
WILL
So we installed some cameras in our
bedrooms. Of course, you could have
taken them somewhere else, a hotel,
a car, or your own house.

- Wouldn't there have been a strong possibility of Terry recognizing Will if he was in his house screwing his wife? Seems a risky approach for he and Barman to take in executing this revenge plan.


I considered that. Even if he did then Terry would assume Will didn't know, so he wouldn't have worried about it.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“Will nods. Terry picks up his glass. Raises it to his mouth.
But it slips from his grip before it gets there.”

- What a trooper! Or just a pisshead. Even when he's been poisoned and on death's door he still takes their word that it’s a clean drink just to get it down him.


Yes. I used to be a bit like that. Felt a bit ill on a night out about 8pm. Went in the loo, threw up, then came out and sank a pint.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
“He opens them to reveal his phone on the chair still
recording audio. He uses a knuckle to stop it.”

- Eh? How did he have the foreknowledge to record the conversation? Why would he have been suspicious of Will? Obviously he couldn't do after the poison has taken hold so he must have done it when Will when to get the drinks. Also, the word "still" suggests this was set up or referred to earlier but I didn't see any mention of Terry's phone before now.


I think I've mentioned this before but I've met a few types who record loads of conversations without other people knowing. Which suited me.

I wasn't of the idea that I needed to foreshadow the phone. I tried it, didn't like it so out it came,.

It also struck me as a rather filmy type thing that I'd get away with.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
I really dug the first half of this. I loved how Will played Terry both on and off the pool table. That realization from the latter on page 4 that he felt as if he had given away the pint and 50 quid was amusing and understandable because of how the game went down, so close yet so far away. I liked that touch.


Thanks. But I sense a 'but' coming..,.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Given my initial suspicions that Will was some all knowing other worldly figure was reinforced by how he seemed so in control of the game and its outcome. His feathers were never ruffled even when staring defeat in the face, always calm, assured he would win.


Okay. I thought you were just about get dissapointed. Glad you haven't yet.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
The story shifts in the second half where we get backstory shoehorned in for motive. Unfortunately, it felt crowded and purely expository, all delivered via dialogue. Then there’s this super poison concocted made by Will himself (so this guy wasn’t the devil, just a brilliant, vindictive chemist ;)) and the whole thing turns into a rather uninspired, by-the-numbers revenge tale...in a beer garden...with homemade poison...


Oh dear.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
It’s like Patricia Highsmith by way of Shane Meadows which sounds kinda great but here within an 8 page script I just didn't buy it. It all seemed overly elaborate and implausible. Why the whole pool and bet charade? Why not just get talking to Terry, go on rounds and spike his drink then? I dunno, is it working on some allegorical level there, pool and screwing people's wives? Also, the final twist of Terry having recorded the whole thing felt bolted on to give us an “ah ha” moment which didn’t make much sense to me for the reason I mentioned in the note above.


He wants to weigh up the guy who is shagging his wife. He's also waiting for his moment.

There's a bit of metaphor and allegory going on. But I doubt you'd be interested now.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
As a big fan of pool, I would've been happy to watch the two men banter over another game. Not much of a story there I know but the script was at its best in those moments.


Me too. But I suspected it might have bored the arse of the majority.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
A mixed bag for me, a script of two halves...ok, enough of the glib platitudes.

Col.


Never mind. I always enjoy your reviews. Even when you kick my arse like now. Don't worry, my sexy sweet cheeks are infinitely kickable.

I'll impress you with a script one day. Just don't hold your breath.

Many thanks.

R
Posted by: Colkurtz8, July 23rd, 2015, 5:13am; Reply: 31

Quoted from rendevous
Ooh. Thanks. I too do put the effort in. It's paying off too as I'm getting interest from some producer types. Which is nice.


Cool, good to hear. Hope something comes of that.


Quoted from rendevous
Oh no. I had this image of him touching the chair with his hand. This is what I meant. I see now it's a bit more vague than intended. Like my lovemaking.


Sorry, my bad, I thought it was "air" not "chair", hence the "skyward" comment. Ignore.


Quoted from rendevous
Eh? I wear a long coat and a trilby. And I'm fairly sure I'm not the prince of darkness. To me it just looks like a middle aged bloke who's probably into music.


Yes but you know those sartorially hip gents that so often appear (predominately from nowhere) in films; silver tongued and effortlessly cool i.e. the devil!


Quoted from rendevous
He isn't the Satan, honest. Just a bloke in a pub. Don't worry. Probably too late now.


No, its all good, I realized this as I read and made reference to it further down in my notes.


Quoted from rendevous
Yeah. This fella did that for me once. At the time I looked even more wonderful than ever, as I had very long hair. It was when he told me he wanted to massage me that I made my excuses and left.


Yup, I draw the line at massages too...now if he says he's going to include oils, perhaps a hot stone or two, then I may reconsider.


Quoted from rendevous
Indeed. I thought you might have guessed that.


Nah, we call people "fu?kers" all the time where I'm from, even virgins.


Quoted from rendevous
I considered that. Even if he did then Terry would assume Will didn't know, so he wouldn't have worried about it.


It would've made Terry extra wary of him though. They way he turns up like this in the beer garden, offering to buy him drinks and play pool. Set up/trap ahoy!


Quoted from rendevous
Yes. I used to be a bit like that. Felt a bit ill on a night out about 8pm. Went in the loo, threw up, then came out and sank a pint.


We've all done that but to go on drinking after one has been poisoned! That, to quote Bill Hicks, "Shows a dedication I cannot fu?king relate to" :)


Quoted from rendevous
I think I've mentioned this before but I've met a few types who record loads of conversations without other people knowing. Which suited me.


Really? Ah come now, Ren, that's a bit too convenient don't you think? Obviously you don't since you said it suited you so I'll leave it at that.


Quoted from rendevous
There's a bit of metaphor and allegory going on. But I doubt you'd be interested now.


Of course I am, that's why I asked. I'm always curious to understand a writer's intentions.


Quoted from rendevous
Even when you kick my arse like now.


I wasn't that harsh,was I? I thought I was fairly balanced. Some parts worked for me, others didn't, which was reflected in my notes.


Quoted from rendevous
I'll impress you with a script one day. Just don't hold your breath.


Oh you have, my pert posterior(ed) friend, I remember really liking "Green" from some time ago, the one about the art exhibition. "Sandwich" too had its moments. I'm sure there has been others that slip my mind right now.

Col.
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, July 23rd, 2015, 8:55am; Reply: 32
Hey Ren

Nice writing and good imagery especially at the beginning.

Thoughts...

# Seems to take a while for its length to get to the revenge thing

# The character as presented to us doesn't seem like a lothario - could we have an initial scene Where he tries and fails with a rough looking bird at the bar? Or is jealous of another couple  showing he doesn't give a toss about other folks relationships

# to justify the completion of his back revenge I think it would be handy to show things weren't just on their side - ie they could have confronted him but choose not, or they have a medicine for it but won't give it....

Perhaps a final scene could be him behind the bar, possibly a new name to it, where has introduced couples night. Wink wink

All the best
Posted by: rendevous, July 24th, 2015, 7:34am; Reply: 33
Col,

Some of this might look a bit weird, as I've only quoted you.


Quoted from Colkurtz8


Cool, good to hear. Hope something comes of that.


It's looking good so far.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Sorry, my bad, I thought it was "air" not "chair", hence the "skyward" comment. Ignore.


Ok so. You had me puzzling there. Nay wonder.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Yes but you know those sartorially hip gents that so often appear (predominately from nowhere) in films; silver tongued and effortlessly cool i.e. the devil!


I see what you're saying, and there's truth in that. But at the same time he didn't have horns and goats legs. Plus I could say it was a little misdirection on my part, but I'd doubt I'd get away with it.


Quoted from Colkurtz8


No, its all good, I realized this as I read and made reference to it further down in my notes.


Ok so.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Yup I draw the line at massages too...now if he says he's going to include oils, perhaps a hot stone or two, then I may reconsider.


Stop being weird.


Quoted from Colkurtz8


Nah, we call people "fu?kers" all the time where I'm from, even virgins.


Well they do in land of black and tans too. But I'm sure there are quite a few out there who do use it literally. Much like people say fuck off when they don't believe you, or think you're exaggerating.

I used to have the habit that when someone at work told me to fuck off, I used to literally do so.


Quoted from Colkurtz8

It would've made Terry extra wary of him though. They way he turns up like this in the beer garden, offering to buy him beer and play pool. Set up/trap ahoy!


Well yes, or maybe he got wise to it and wanted to see what they were gonna do. But just because someone offers to buy you a pint if you pool with them isn't always a trap.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
We've all done that but drinking on after you've been poisoned! That's, to quote Bill Hicks, "Shows a dedication I cannot fu?king relate to" :)


Quite, Bill would have been proud.


Quoted from Colkurtz8


Really? Ah come now, Ren, that's a bit too convenient don't you think? Obviously you don't since you said it suited you so I'll leave it at that.


Well, convenient is one way to look at it. But there's a few ways it can be viewed. As I said earlier, maybe he was getting wise to it and wanted to see what'd happen, hence the recording - just in case. Or, another way to look at this response is 'I'm backtracking and trying to cover my ever pert behind'.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Of course I am, that's why I asked? I'm always curious to understand a writer's intentions.


Alrighty then. I thought you'd have not been bothered as it seemed to fizzle out for you. Pool did seem to fit with the adultery business, men waving sticks around etc.

There's also the bit where Terry is checking the slots on machines for spare change, and he shouldn't be. The generousity of Will when Terry has already been helping himself. There's a few things like that.  


Quoted from Colkurtz8
I wasn't that harsh,was I? I thought I was fairly balanced. Some parts worked for me, others didn't, which was reflected in my notes.


You weren't so harsh, but you know what I'm like - anything less than glowing praise is treated like an all out attack. Ho hum.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Oh you have, my pert posterior(ed) friend, I remember really liking "Green" from some time ago, the one about the art exhibition. "Sandwich" too had its moments. I'm sure there has been other s that slip my mind right now.

Col.


Thanks, Col. I'd forgotten about Green myself. I must dig it out, freshen it up and stick it back up here.

Good on yer.

R
Posted by: rendevous, July 24th, 2015, 7:54am; Reply: 34

Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Hey Ren


Alright Reef. Every time I see your name I'm reminded of that fine band from Glastonbury. I can hear the riff to 'Naked' in my head. It's a good riff, and its title is merely coincidental, and in absolutely no way implies I want to see you naked. That would be too weird, even for me. Hmmm, I probably should have picked a different song...


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Nice writing and good imagery especially at the beginning.


Many thanks. I know you mean it was good in the middle and the end too, but pure stunning in its skill and breadth near the start.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Thoughts...

# Seems to take a while for its length to get to the revenge thingt


Er, surely you mean the deftly plotted developments of acts one and two?


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
# The character as presented to us doesn't seem like a lothario - could we have an initial scene Where he tries and fails with a rough looking bird at the bar?


No we couldn't.

He doesn't look like a lothario as I thought that might be too clichéd. He's not a looker as I thought that would be more insulting for Will and Barman. Plus, there's plenty of fellas with faces like bags of spanners who do alright.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Or is jealous of another couple  showing he doesn't give a toss about other folks relationshipst to justify the completion of his back revenge I think it would be handy to show things weren't just on their side - ie they could have confronted him but choose not, or they have a medicine for it but won't give it....t


I see what you're saying. And it's an idea. I'll think about it.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Perhaps a final scene could be him behind the bar, possibly a new name to it, where has introduced couples night. Wink wink

All the best


I do quite like your final suggestion. I'll think on that one too. I like to leave things more open to interpretation, but that one's not bad. Which is my way saying good.

May thanks, RD. Appreciated.

R
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