What to Do When Vesuvius Erupts by Kyle Hasegawa (GreenGecko) - Short, Drama - A trans-girl tries to find a solution to which bathroom she should use. - pdf, format 8)

Hey there Kyle,

A tricky subject to tackle. The title suggests comedy but it says short drama, let’s see!

Your first scene heading tells us this is a Schoolyard Bathroom. Do they have bathrooms in school yards? Your action then tells us it is a middle school bathroom and describes the position of each one. I get you are making the point about the male/female toilets but you waste a lot of white space unnecessarily in doing so.

Poop boy, nice name! From what he says as well I’m guessing this is indeed a comedy.

‘We see her face’ – I should hope so, if the camera is on her and we don’t see her face I’d be freaked out!

Is the BULLY male or female? Any discernible features? How do we know it is a bully as there is no bullying?

I read the rest. After a rocky start this really picks up. I see now it’s not a comedy, it just has some comedy moments. I like this, it tackles the subject in an interesting way. I like how the parents are trying to show support but don’t quite know what to do. The transgender porta potty is a great idea and the dialogue at the end really hits the nail on the head.

Just give this a bit of a polish and I think you’re onto a winner here.

-Mark

Thanks fam. I appreciate the look. I'll work on cleaning it up.

Kyle,

To start,  I would change your slug to EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL GROUNDS -  DAY. From there you can describe the bathroom structure. Otherwise, I thought hallway and interior was the settings. Ext bathrooms can be called "bath houses" for clarity,or something along those lines.

"Today she is a girl. " What? You can't be whatever sex you want to be that day. You can describe certain clothes or certain makeup being displayed. Period.  Is this particular role female or male? I refuse to believe that a 10 year old is 100% certain of trans genderism. I don't accept it,  IMO. Anyways...

The squirrel watches him pee and he thinks the squirrel has a problem with identity? Silly.

A Porto potty is a multi-sexual personal, single user BR. Okay, so you invented a "gay Porto potty?" Was that the idea? That's funny, I guess. That would be the grand scene in your story, visually, I suppose.  

Unsure what the theme of this really is. Or why it needs to be filmed.

Gl with the script

Tony

Hi Kyle,

This is pretty good. I laughed out loud a couple of times, especially at the dinner scene with Mom constantly putting the weight of Jamie's questions on her husband.

I noticed a few small errors. Jamie is spelled wrong a few times throughout. Page 5 and 6 come to mind.

I wasn't a fan of the description "But this ain’t no normal porta-potty" on page 6. "But this isn't your average porta-potty" would suffice.

I'm inclined to think if Jamie is now presenting herself as a girl, she wouldn't use the urinal. Even if she had to use the boys restroom, I'd have to assume she would wait to use the stall. Changing this, however, would affect the scene of Poop Boy seeing Jamie's naughty bits and freaking out. But perhaps Poop Boy seeing her girly shoes and skirt from under the stall would work just as well.

Again, good job. I liked it.

Chris

If transgender and neither male nor female, why are you referring to the protag as 'she'? I think you should use genderless pronouns, like ze and hir. The protag sees themselves as neither one or the other, otherwise they'd be happy to use one toilet or the other depending on their leaning.

Well written. Poignant to the times. Different.

I kept thinking Jaime Lannister and constantly misspelled Jamie. Thanks for pointing that out, Sham. And you're right, maybe she wouldn't use a urinal. I think it's more convenient/expedient.

Dustin, I call her a she because she was born a boy and recently made the switch to a girl. Thus, she is transgender, and also a girl. I'd imagine she prefers being called a she.

Tony, the squirrel probably does take the silliness too far. I appreciate that kind of feedback. As for ten year olds, I watched a documentary, and it's definitely a thing where kids that young have already decided. It's actually really fascinating because some had decided completely, while others would switch genders depending on which parent they were with. And I think that gives it a bit of purpose to be filmed. It's topical and presents conflicts that maybe we don't normally think about.

Quoted from GreenGecko Dustin, I call her a she because she was born a boy and recently made the switch to a girl. Thus, she is transgender, and also a girl. I'd imagine she prefers being called a she.

Then why not use the ladies toilets? They go into a cubicle anyway. I don't see the issue. I'm sure the girls at the school wouldn't mind.

It needs be asexual for the logic to hold up... then even the urinal would work. For me, it all falls apart if the protag identifies with one sex or another.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Then why not use the ladies toilets? They go into a cubicle anyway. I don't see the issue. I'm sure the girls at the school wouldn't mind. It needs be asexual for the logic to hold up... then even the urinal would work. For me, it all falls apart if the protag identifies with one sex or another.

...as it so often "falls apart" when you make the jump from reality to stupidity such as changing your gender.

Quoted from GreenGecko Tony, the squirrel probably does take the silliness too far. I appreciate that kind of feedback. As for ten year olds, I watched a documentary, and it's definitely a thing where kids that young have already decided. It's actually really fascinating because some had decided completely, while others would switch genders depending on which parent they were with. And I think that gives it a bit of purpose to be filmed. It's topical and presents conflicts that maybe we don't normally think about.

Oh, well, a documentary says so. lol. Then, that's gotta be the way it is.

See, here's where you did hit something completely on the head in your story. However, I don't even think you realize what that is.

The father and mother.

Their confusion and lack of direction is what leads to this stuff. Along with other "older" people who foster this idea that man is not man and woman is not woman.

And I not talking about "correcting" behavior, I'm talking about correcting confusion.

lol what are you talkin about bro??

I can see Tony's point. I just realised these kids are only 10. For some reason I skipped over that part before and automatically made the protag older. It would be impossible to film this. You can't have kids doing a film like this.

Anyone that did film something like that would be irresponsible. At one point the protag shows another kid his dick. How would you film that responsibly?

I think you need to up the ages here. Making this about kids is a mistake, no matter what a documentary on TV says.

Okay I think I get it.

I guess that adds a whole other dimension to think about. The parents want their kid to find happiness in his or her identity, but don't know how to react because there's no "system" in place. Maybe I should play that up a bit more. Like having the father look at a picture of their child when he was a boy.

These are solid views. I want to remain neutral. I want our character to find happiness in a small victory, but maybe at the great cost of his parents' happiness and possibly the deterioration of society.

And my only fear of making them older is that's when puberty starts to hit, and then that adds big questions of whether this girl has started hormonal therapies, or puberty blockers, and it's just a whole other world that I don't want to approach.

I don't want to sound like a broken blu-ray player, but thanks Dustin and Tony. I appreciate all the feedback.

Give "poop boy" an actual name.

A timely but tough subject to tackle. Could be done as animation.

Quoted from GreenGecko Okay I think I get it. I guess that adds a whole other dimension to think about. The parents want their kid to find happiness in his or her identity, but don't know how to react because there's no "system" in place. Maybe I should play that up a bit more. Like having the father look at a picture of their child when he was a boy.

But there is a system in place,. It's called "nature." It's called "religion," if you are so believed. It' s also called "respect for your creator" no matter what motivates you to higher thinking. Your parents and loved ones.

Quoted from GreenGecko These are solid views. I want to remain neutral. I want our character to find happiness in a small victory, but maybe at the great cost of his parents' happiness and possibly the deterioration of society.

Then why even spend time writing about about it? You only serve to validate this idea in some way.

Quoted from GreenGecko And my only fear of making them older is that's when puberty starts to hit, and then that adds big questions of whether this girl has started hormonal therapies, or puberty blockers, and it's just a whole other world that I don't want to approach.

Why would anybody take chemicals to suppress who they truly are? Makes no sense to me.

Quoted from GreenGecko    I don't want to sound like a broken blu-ray player, but thanks Dustin and Tony. I appreciate all the feedback.

Don't worry. Discussion is what makes us all learn the art. And you truly never stop learning. You had a good scene when you visually revealed the shit house. That worked really well. The exercise was a success. If someone wants to shoot your story, even better.

GJ.

Typing in a more involved review on my laptop.

I don't have the difficulty with the pronoun that others seem to have. That the character thinks that "Today I am a girl." is fine. There is a misconception that scripts can only have what is seen and heard. In part, a script, especially one like this that will be an indie short, can have cues to the director and actors. I've talked to actors. They don't mind some indication on what the character is feeling when it might no be clear. One actor might portray "Wait, what?" differently than another. Just don't over do it. Telling that "Today I am a girl." is much better than a full paragraph of "show." Show can be over done. Even books on writing tent to warn against using show all the time.

It is very possible, perhaps even likely, that gender identity issues begin in childhood. Therapists have known this much longer than the general public which still resists the notion. That makes this short rather fitting for our times.

A agree that this might not be filmed as written in America. But other cultures, which are less sexually polarized could have fewer issues.

The writing does need cleaned up a bit in places.

You've missed my point on genderless pronouns, Henry.

For me the whole crux of this story rests on the fact that the protag doesn't actually associate with one sex or the other, hence wanting to be separate from both of them. If the protag identifies as a girl then surely her sole aim would be to get to use the ladies toilets.

I think there's a far larger story with the asexual angle. Also a story rarely told as people automatically assume a person wants to be one or the other, when that isn't always the case.

I just don't see the logic with the toilet working otherwise. Not sure why you went on about show and not tell after that, perhaps it was unrelated, but perhaps consider starting new paragraphs to avoid confusion.

Genderless pronouns in English tend to sound awkwark. And my comments were not an attack on anyone.

Quoted from HenryTj Genderless pronouns in English tend to sound awkwark. And my comments were not an attack on anyone.

Who said your comments were an attack on anyone? You went on about the pronouns as though I had suggested the usage of she was wrong when she was in fact a boy. I merely corrected that.

I believe the only reason genderless pronouns sound awkward in English is because they are little used. I've used them in two features that I've written so far and they don't sound awkward at all once you get used to them.

Hi Kyle,

Some funny moments in here, specially with the parents, haha. Despite some comedic touches, you tackle a serious issue and the piece has a nice message. A few comments:

Because the protagonist's interaction with the teacher in class I got the impression that her being a transexual was a pretty well-known thing in school. So later on, when Poop boy freaks out it threw me off a bit because I thought he already knew or must have known. Maybe you can make him the new guy at school?

The scene with LONER GIRL seemed like a set-up without a pay off, since she never shows up again. Was the purpose of the scene to show that peeing outside was not an option because someone may see him/her? I don't think we need that scene (unless it serves another purpose I missed). The main conflict and its resolution still works without it.

Best of luck with this.

You're totally right. The Loner Girl scene is shit. I've been constantly rewriting it. The point is Jamie is going to desperate lengths to get away from people. Loner Girl represents what will happen to her if she just runs away and hides. Jamie doesn't want that. She doesn't want to be someone who hides because it's easier. Kind of a glimpse of the "lowest point." I am thinking of removing the scene as you say, and because she appears so late, I didn't want to shoehorn Loner Girl at the end either.

And good catch with the Teacher. She calls her James, meaning it's probably still a newish thing, and Poop Boy is a year older, so maybe they never ran into each other. Maybe I'm being too defensive. I'll work it out.

Thanks a bunch.