Infin8 Return by Keelan Sumner  - Short, Thriller - Surrealist short about man and his ultimate transgression. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hello Keelan,

No need for camera shots and sound effects, this isn’t a shooting script. Your first action block has a typo and doesn’t describe what we can actually see E.G. ‘The wind is the loudest sound in a several mile radius’. To film this, the production would have to shoot for several miles and provide the audience with sound samples from each location. See what I mean?

I tried to read through the rest but couldn’t follow it. Too much prose and unfilmable things took me out of the story. Have a look at this site, it should give you some pointers.

http://www.scribophile.com/academy/common-screenplay-mistakes

-Mark

In your scene headers, you don't want to use continuous like that. I think it's only meant for when you are clearly taking action from one scene and continuing it in another. For example, when Gina takes the Man to Room 7, that's not continuous. You're cutting a moment in time to breach those scenes. Personally, I never use it and it's not that important. Some people will also say, just stick to DAY/NIGHT, and maybe Morning, Dusk, etc if you need it.

I'd recommend going up and cleaning it up a bit. You have some grammar issues, and overall the first page just feels very wordy.

Ex.

Quoted Text The room is empty and poorly decorated, dark circles formed on the ceiling. A hair brush full of hair has been left by one of the previous customers, dust has already began to settle on it.

Well is the room empty or poorly decorated? If you don't mention any people, I'd assume there is no people, but saying it's empty makes me think there's no furniture. For the brush you can say "A used and dusty hair brush lies on the desk."

Quoted Text He opens the visitors "Room 8 Erica Swanson." written in RED INK.

What do you mean by this?

On page 4 we learn that the Man has a gun. I thought Gina was just joking earlier. Maybe there should be a line indicating that she sees his gun?

Quoted Text The door SLAMS open and the room is now silent.

Little things like this. Do you mean it closes? Re-read the thing out loud.


Overall, I think it was sort of unnecessarily weird. Like, I literally shouted "Oh my god" after Erica drowns the Man and we find out that it was actually the Man who drowned Erica. To me, it was silly.

I think some of your dialogue in the beginning had some flavor to it. It made it interesting.

Is there a reason you don't give the Man a name?

Keelan

Comments can sometimes be scary.  Read in the daylight.

I started this and immediately ran into problems.  'sit's' is not 'sits'.  Every mistake you make in English throws the reader out of the story.  Small mistakes mean a lot.

'cloths' are not 'clothes'.  

not 'laying on the bed' , 'lying on the bed.'

A bit too surreal for my taste.  I take it the man is trapped in his own version of hell, repeating the same night over and over.  He can't escape what he has done to the girl.  Works for me.  With a bit better writing, this one might be just odd enough to shoot.

Best
Richard