Operation: Katie Kelley by Kyle Hasegawa (GreenGecko) - Short, Comedy - Determined Boy wants to send a cute girl a note in class, but the goblin teacher thwarts his moves.  - pdf, format 8)

I don't get the story at all :(

I do get the story, it's just very long-winded and has a high production value considering the small pay off. Every child actor you pay for, you must also pay the parents for coming. So a full class of kids is going to be expensive, not to mention controlling them all.

I like the idea though. It's cute. It just needs more. I think a lot of young boys would relate to this and I get that after all the worrying, the kid didn't really have anything to worry about.

The premise has legs, the execution is letting this down at the moment.

This is odd, but I like it.

The goblin teacher, the elaborate methods this boy goes through to get the girls attention, the awkward moments with the dad. All nicely handled.

The "How are you gonna learn goblin" bit at the end was pretty funny.

So yeah, a nice, cute and amusing tale.

Good luck with it,

Glenn.

Kyle,

Comments often seem childish.  Have fun.

A long-winded effort to do something exceedingly easy.  Who sends a written note in the day of the cell phone?  Now, if you had started there and moved lower and lower until Marcus is forced to use paper and pen, well, that might be funny.  The Goblin is too far out for me.  An ordinary teacher would be just as good, perhaps better.  And Dad doesn't do much for me.  What does he add?  I agree that the payoff seems hardly worth the ride.  In any case, the idea might work if you have Marcus be more inventive, more outrageous.  And you have to explain why Marcus can't pass a note after class or on the bus or in the cafeteria.  He has a number of opportunities, right?  

Best
Richard

Yeah agreed, you could cut Dad, it's only a filler scene anyway. I thought that too at the time but forgot about it in the review.

Quoted from TonyDionisio I don't get the story at all :(

Fair enough. I'm getting a lot of mixed results

It seems some people think the zany moments are great, and others feel it's too random. It's hard to find that sweet spot. I toned down the joke about a full grown man not knowing how to cook rice because some people thought it was just too many conceits.

Thanks for pointing out that the Dad scenes are lacking, Dustin/Richard. I like to know what's working and not. I personally like them, and I think I just need to make them more thematically relevant.

It seems I'm dealing with two ideas: Failure to reach someone through indirect methods (father/son, boy/girl) and the convenience of technology. Maybe I'll add a joke about rice cookers to tie it in. Or maybe the payoff isn't worth extending the short with those scenes? I'll play with it.

Thanks for the help fellas (you too Glenn!)

Hey man, you can't please everybody. Trying to will only end up alienating everyone instead.

I agree with Dustin.  For your work, you are the expert.  Always.  the rest of us offer what we think is helpful, but this is yours.  

As far as the dad scenes are concerned, I can't put a finger on why they don't work.  Perhaps because Dad seems imbecilic.  Why would a boy take advice from someone who can't cook rice?  Now, if Dad were a goblin...the reason why he and mom divorced...you might get some mileage out of the scenes.  Or, if Katey were a goblin?  You have Romeo and Juliet vibes if that's the case, and there's no reason why she can't be a fetching goblin.

I offer these ideas because they might explain the need to send a paper note.  Goblin fingers don't fit on cell phones?  And the kid is taking this course so he can write a note to her?  I don't know.  Just throwing out ideas.  

Best
Richard

For me the Dad scene doesn't work because it looks like you added it as filler between the two classroom scenes.

You don't need filler. You could just as easily cut from one day to the next... and it might actually be better of you do spread it over a few days.

For all it's worth, I thought it was very clever.  I liked the Dad part of the dialogue with the mother.  It seemed very realistic, as well as a pleasant deviation.  I felt that you captured the feel of the relationship between a caring, loving mother and a 12 year old son very well in the realm of the family dynamic.  That dynamic made for a good ingredient supporting the juicy contrast between old school and high tech communication.

Nicely done.

Jim Waterous
Winnipeg, MB Canada

Sorry for the mini-review, but this script was so weird, it was funny.

Thanks dudes. The father is now the mother. I figured it needed more females.

Hey Kyle,

Should that be ‘A determined boy’ in your logline or is is just Determined Boy? I know that seems picky but the logline is the first thing any potential producer will read and if it looks like there is a mistake in the first few words, this may put them off the script.

The goblin teacher part of the logline does intrigue me, it makes me want to read further.

The opening action reads a bit like the opening to a children’s novel. That’s fine if it is a children’s novel but this is a screenplay and it is a bit prosey. It does set the scene quite nicely and gives it a child vibe so I’m personally fine with it but again this approach may put some off; different strokes for different folks as they say.

I would suggest you don’t be too specific with the positions in the classroom and in what relation they are to each other. These are kids sat at different desks, that’s all you need to say really, everyone should be able to work it out from there. Being specific with positions and actions is always best to avoid unless essential to the story.

Is the teacher an actual goblin or is this how the kids see their teacher? I presume the latter but it’s important to be clear here because if it is a Goblin this requires make-up and maybe special effects. If it is a human who the kids perceive as a Goblin this also needs taking into account as we’ll need some method of demonstrating this is all part of the kid’s imagination.  If it is just a man who has big ears and a big nose as per your description, how will the audience know his name is Goblin? See how confusing it can be?

I do find the teacher funny and the way he speaks is great. It threw me off that he admits he’s teaching them goblin at the end so then I’m thinking is he a real Goblin again? My brain hurts!

The conversations with the kid and his mom seems a bit unnatural and forced. Nothing major, just needs tweaking to flow more naturally.

Reading the other comments here I agree that the note on the desk thing seems  unnecessarily complicated. Why does it have to be in that class and in no other location? Why a note instead of a phone when we know she has his number so he must have hers? If you get a conversation in early with the mom and she suggests an old-fashioned note then maybe, but that discussion comes in after he’s already tried it so it doesn’t answer any questions.

I do like his crossbow solution, you just don’t need to explain what a  Ballista is. Either call it a Ballista or a large crossbow, not both. The crossbow bit gives it a very goofy Home Alone vibe, which is good but as nothing leading up to this isn’t as goofy it comes in a bit left field. If you have similar over the top elements throughout the story it would work better.

This is a very nice, sweet and funny children’s tale which shows a lot of potential so keep at it!

-Mark

I liked the story. It's cute.

Can't find anything wrong with the formatting of the screenplay..

"Who sends a written note in the day of the cell phone?"

Someone who does not have the  phone number of the person he wants to contact.

Thanks Mark, that's pretty sound advice. As for the goblin, the idea is like in Peanuts how the kids can't understand the teacher, but the punchline is that it's an actual goblin. I'll make it more clear that they, in fact, see a goblin.

Thanks vancety!