Tell Tale Heart by Brad Harris - Short, Horror - Quite simply, this is a "Full Metal Jacket" adaptation of the Edger Allen Poe short story.  8 pages - pdf, format 8)

I think this is a good idea. The military angle, I think it's a cool twist on the Poe classic. I think you've gone about it wrong though. Don't think you should have copied dialogue from the original story. It's a direct rip, which might turn some off. I would suggest going about this in your own way. Base it on TTH, but come up with your own dialogue and story elements.

Also a lot of passive writing. "He flung the door open". Almost as if this used to be a short story and you just quickly transferred to script form. Nothing wrong with doing that, but you need to keep the writing active.

Again, I like the idea but you should make it your own. Sure you could argue it's an homage or whatever to Poe, but directly copying some parts of his story -- I've read that story tons of times, I fucking love it. It's an original in and of itself. You need to make it yours is what I'm trying to get at. Base it on his story, but put your own twist on it. Otherwise, it's just the same story we've all read, the Full Metal Jacket twist isn't enough to make it different. It needs your voice and YOUR dialogue.

Ever seen Tell Tale with Josh Lucas? Not that it's the best movie or anything, but it was a decent twist on the classic.

Good luck with this, I look forward to seeing where you take it.

Hi Brad.

Taking on Edgar Allen Poe and Full Metal Jacket is no simply task but your logline isn’t a logline as such. Have a look here for some tips:

http://www.raindance.org/10-tips-for-writing-loglines/

You are using the wrong tense in your action e.g. had entered. This is past tense, screenplays are always written in the present.

I was lucky enough to be given a book of Edgar Allen Poe short stories for my birthday this year and this story was among them. I love 19th century literature. The language is so colourful, so atmospheric. The one element that is overused however, is the tale being told via a series of journal entries where the protagnoist writes down every thought and deed. Seriously this is like in every single story, it becomes maddeningly repetitive.

Unfortunately, as BrittanyL has already stated, this is very much a cut and paste job from the original story, just in a different setting. It doesn’t do enough to stand-up on its own merits nor is it updated sufficiently so it doesn’t work for me as it is. Telling a story about a man driven to commit murder and then driven mad by guilt is a worthy story to tell, just put your own mark on it and make the audience identify with the characters.

Best of luck.

-Mark

Ew... sorry man, but this is bad. I'm out after the first chunk of dialogue:

Quoted from Brad Harris Dear journal, I’m nervous. Have been for a while. Many people would call me mad. But the disease I have has sharpened my sense, not dulled. I can hear things in the heavens and the earth and even in hell.

Quoted from Edgar Allan Poe TRUE! --nervous --very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am; but why will you say that I am mad? The disease had sharpened my senses --not destroyed --not dulled them. Above all was the sense of hearing acute. I heard all things in the heaven and in the earth. I heard many things in hell. How, then, am I mad? Hearken! and observe how healthily --how calmly I can tell you the whole story.

You're not only ripping, you're making a sow's ear of it.


I have seen this done many, many times before. Never seen anyone do a direct rip. The maddening heart beat would be fine. Even that though could be replaced by a creative mind.

Plagiarism Dustin? I'm actually quite shocked if that's the case.

Don't think so... it's just not right. I think Poe is public domain unless it's owned by somebody somehow. Chances are it is public domain though. I just checked and didn't get a precise answer, just the standard author's age plus 70 years thing.